gloomyguy (gloomyguy) wrote in _hmm,

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Hey there! You people are the first to see my inner thoughts and feelings. Poor you.

Hey there. Let me introduce myself - I'm a rather sarcastic, slightly random, generally cheerful (For the most part.) kind of person, and I just turned fifteen years old. I'm female body wise, but my brain doesn't quite match.

I was a pretty normal kid. Never thought anything was wrong - I wore pink, played with barbies, was the girliest girly girl you could ever encounter. In fact, though I've thought about this subject many times, I've tried to ignore it. Not exactly hiding my true identity or being in denial, more like trying to cause less drama for everyone involved in my life (Things are stressful enough as it is for my family at the moment.)

The first time I realized I wasn't your average person properly (instead of pushing it to the back of my mind and trying not to analyze it) was a few months ago, though I've been 'different' ever since I hit the teenage years. To put it simply, I can think like both a man and woman. I view it as a skill rather than a difficulty, always have, always will. However, something has began to trouble me.

Just lately, I've been wondering what it would be like to be male. I've actually gotten jealous of men, though I'm rarely ever jealous of anything or anyone. Sometimes, the way women think and can be so nasty and manipulative just plain make me sigh in annoyance, and I despise being female.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, wonder what I would look like as a boy, wish that I was one. I wouldn't undergo gender changing surgery. I've thought about it a lot, but I'm familiar with my body now, and I do like my long hair and enjoy dressing up and such occasionaly. And, to put it bluntly, I wouldn't want to complicate things for my future. I'm attracted to men, and changing from a heterosexual woman to a homosexual man would be to much of a shock for me. Not to mention that I don't want to bring this to the attention of my parents - they have no idea how I'm feeling. I don't feel like I could discuss this with any of my friends or family, which is why finding this community was such a relief to me. Also, I'm afraid that this is just a teenage phase, and that I would change my mind after having the surgery. However, I don't know if it is... none of my friends seem to be feeling this way. I also wouldn't consider plastic surgery, but my face is obviously female and would look strange with a male body.

I've always preferred feminine men to the masculine, manly men my friends like. My friends and family tease me about it constantly. I'm beginning to wonder if it's a reflection of my rather confused brain. I also tend to refer to myself as a guy, a dude, rather than a girl or a dudette. (Like my username on here.) This confuses my friends, and I've had several people mistaking me for male over the internet - even with an obviously female name.

Anyway, sorry to trouble you all with my little teenage thoughts.

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