Thu, Feb. 28th, 2008, 09:03 pm
gloomyguy: Hey there! You people are the first to see my inner thoughts and feelings. Poor you.
Hey there. Let me introduce myself - I'm a rather sarcastic, slightly random, generally cheerful (For the most part.) kind of person, and I just turned fifteen years old. I'm female body wise, but my brain doesn't quite match.
I was a pretty normal kid. Never thought anything was wrong - I wore pink, played with barbies, was the girliest girly girl you could ever encounter. In fact, though I've thought about this subject many times, I've tried to ignore it. Not exactly hiding my true identity or being in denial, more like trying to cause less drama for everyone involved in my life (Things are stressful enough as it is for my family at the moment.)
The first time I realized I wasn't your average person properly (instead of pushing it to the back of my mind and trying not to analyze it) was a few months ago, though I've been 'different' ever since I hit the teenage years. To put it simply, I can think like both a man and woman. I view it as a skill rather than a difficulty, always have, always will. However, something has began to trouble me.
Just lately, I've been wondering what it would be like to be male. I've actually gotten jealous of men, though I'm rarely ever jealous of anything or anyone. Sometimes, the way women think and can be so nasty and manipulative just plain make me sigh in annoyance, and I despise being female.
Sometimes I look in the mirror, wonder what I would look like as a boy, wish that I was one. I wouldn't undergo gender changing surgery. I've thought about it a lot, but I'm familiar with my body now, and I do like my long hair and enjoy dressing up and such occasionaly. And, to put it bluntly, I wouldn't want to complicate things for my future. I'm attracted to men, and changing from a heterosexual woman to a homosexual man would be to much of a shock for me. Not to mention that I don't want to bring this to the attention of my parents - they have no idea how I'm feeling. I don't feel like I could discuss this with any of my friends or family, which is why finding this community was such a relief to me. Also, I'm afraid that this is just a teenage phase, and that I would change my mind after having the surgery. However, I don't know if it is... none of my friends seem to be feeling this way. I also wouldn't consider plastic surgery, but my face is obviously female and would look strange with a male body.
I've always preferred feminine men to the masculine, manly men my friends like. My friends and family tease me about it constantly. I'm beginning to wonder if it's a reflection of my rather confused brain. I also tend to refer to myself as a guy, a dude, rather than a girl or a dudette. (Like my username on here.) This confuses my friends, and I've had several people mistaking me for male over the internet - even with an obviously female name.
Anyway, sorry to trouble you all with my little teenage thoughts.
Thu, Feb. 28th, 2008 11:02 pm (UTC)
You're young, so you have plenty of time to figure yourself out. :) Don't feel the need to rush... it's a process.
Fri, Feb. 29th, 2008 01:35 pm (UTC)
You sound very similar to the way I felt Way Back In The Day.
Just reverse all gender references and this was my puzzle as a youth. My recollections of wanting to be a girl pre-date kindergarten. Not solid concrete memories but flashes of emotional feeling. My first actual memory of feeling that I was in the Wrong Body WAS in kindergarten. I delayed and repressed and now it's 50 plus years later and I'm regretting NOT finding a way to BE, at least in some way, shape or form what I have always felt I was on the inside.
Think it out. Reassignment is a BIG deal. Do what you can to blend the two sides of yourself into a workable functioning person. Celebrate your dual nature. Never mind what your friends may think or say. I haven't seen ANY of the friends that I was worried about in over 40 years. In the long run, they don't matter. You're the one who will be looking back out of the mirror at this person every day. Enjoy the reflection.
Sun, Mar. 2nd, 2008 09:36 pm (UTC)
Hi Gloomyguy. Don't sweat it. I was a girly-girl who played with dolls but envied gorgeous men to the point of wanting to be one. Still do. Thirty-odd years later, that hasn't changed, but it has more to do with fascination than identity crisis. It's good that you can make those calm, intelligent observations about yourself and not feel tempted to do anything rash, or label yourself in a hurry. You're still growing and learning about yourself. Chances are, what you feel is directly related to creative fulfillment in the future. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts,
Thu, Oct. 2nd, 2008 03:09 am (UTC)
I occasionally become annoyed with being female (not due to sexism), yet nor would I ever consider plastic surgery. I just felt seeing as you bothered to post I might as well bother to respond.
Do not worry about "the way women think" there are a fair few women that do actually think that way. I have found a group of them. I was puzzled after spending some time with a group of females that I rarely spend time with. A friend of mine latter told me that I was confused because they are "girls." So there are "females" (as in those who follow the general thought process) and females (as in people who just happen to be female).
I have also have always been attracted to feminine men over masculine men (though I do like women as well so it is a little bit different. . .) and I do have a couple of friends that are somewhat into more feminine men. I also occasionally refer to myself as a guy and other people occasionally do as well, general consensus seems to be that I think like a man.
It was interesting to read your self reflections.
Mon, Sep. 28th, 2009 12:20 pm (UTC)
Hi. I, like you, like a little woman in my man. Feminine guys are awesome. I have figured this to be because I have a strong masculine side and a feminine guy would sort of balance me out. Possibly also for denying my own feminine side. I do like the confidence it shows when a man is feminine. That takes a lot of guts in this society and it shows they don't care what people think. That's so cool!
I've always been kinda in the middle genderwise. I played with barbies and watched Gem and the Hollagrams on tv, but I also played with cars and army men and would stand on the coffee table with a stick down the back of my shirt pretending to be He-man. My bigwheel was an army green motorcycle. In some ways I think and act like a girl, in others more like a guy. Women can be..............interesting. No wonder men are so confused, I don't even understand them. When I take those gender tests on the internet, I almost always score Androgyny.
Personally, I want to stay a girl. I like playing in the middle and being able to go between genders on whim or by just being who I am. But this is one of those "you" things. Just be yourself, whatever that is. And like that previous person said," It's good that you can make those calm, intelligent observations about yourself and not feel tempted to do anything rash, or label yourself in a hurry. You're still growing and learning about yourself." Heck, I'm still figuring myself out and I just turned 30.