torn in two

I have convinced myself to stay with my boyfriend and now the one i wanted just told me that he liked me.okay, here's the situation L and i have been off and on since we were 16 that's almost 8 years ago. I feel that  we should get married which is why we're so off and on. the last time we broke up i went out with N. N was everything i wanted in a man but he's 14 years older than i so i kept my distance. L wanted to work things out but i know in heart that he'll never give me what i want in the end.

should i just keep trying with L or should i leave him for N?
  • Current Mood
    confused confused

I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams

A long time ago I was seeng a guy, lets call him D. We were
together about 3 months and he lived in Manchester. I broke up with him cuz I fancied some idiot at school (why was I so stupid, I loved D and he loved me), who I went out with for about a week then I met another guy, N. D and I decided to stay friends... N didn't like me having friends so put a stop to that. He wrote an email from me to D saying I wanted him out of my life for good and never wanted to talk to him again. A few months later he told me to email D and ask him to take all pictures of me off his website.

That was all in 2002. In Feb 2003 (just before N and I moved in together) I decided to text D in secret and he replied so we ended up talking on MSN for a while. I can't remember much of what was said but it was so nice to talk to him again and I apologised n' stuff. He made me this picture with some Pixies lyrics (Girlie so groovy) and we had a good chat. He sent me a Valentine's card too. A few days after that he died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage. When a friend rang me to let me know, N was with me and started laughing. I never let myself grieve as I was scared of N.

That was 6 years ago... I have thought about him over the years but never allowed myself to get upset about it. Just over a week ago I was trying to find some photos and came across this diary he had online (I've seen it before, a few years ago) well he wrote some stuff about me around the time of the emails which wasn't very nice :\ ever since then it's all come flooding back and feels like he's only just died. I've been feeling sad/angry at myself/shocked and crying loads. I know I had set things straight before he died (how weird that I decided to contact him just a few days before) but I just wish so much that I could talk to him again. I miss him.

I only have one photo of us and we weren't actually together at that point. I lost all the photos I had when moving house years ago. I have so many memories of our time together and wish I had the photos to go with them. It's doing my head in trying to remember everything and remember him more clearly. I feel so, so sad.

(no subject)

Hi to everyone=)
I just added this community because I feel that I have nobody to talk to. I feel like I'm an  inconvenience when I talk to people about what I feel. I guess you can say that I don't trust many people. I have close friends but I feel that we don't connect on the same level. I actually feel that way about everybody, even my boyfriend. I get the feeling sometimes I'm "out there" and people don't really understand my train of thought.  What is really bothering me is myself as a person. I have obsessive thoughts that follow me everywhere. I think my confidence is lower than it should be and now it's really starting to effect me in social situations. At first, when this first started happening I thought it was a normal phase that everyone went through. But now I seem to care and notice more about me and my situation. I guess you can say I feel really lonely, even if I do have close friends. I feel that I bend over backwards for them, but when it comes to me they just feel it's okay to take advantage of me just because I'm use to it and can handle it. Or because I'm "stupid".  I really feel that is the one of the worst words you can associate with someone else. 
I feel socially awkward and what worries me. I never use to be like this. I never use to care about what people thought of me as much as i do now and it's causing problems in my head. I feel depressed I guess you can say. I hate using that word  because I don't feel worthy using it. I feel that i have an awesome life, I am surrounded by people that love me, I have caring parents and friends. None of that seems of value when I look at myself and feel uncomfortable with the person I am. I feel that I've become boring. It's because I feel that it's harder to talk freely to people.  Now I feel every thought out of my head isn't worthy to hear because it's a stupid thought, or I can't explain myself well enough for the other person to "get it".  I notice more and more I yell at myself in my head saying things like "why did you just say that are you stupid?" I do say things without thinking. 

I  feel like the world is complete shit. Everyone knows all the shit that goes down, anyone who reads the news.  History teaches it.  T.V teaches it.  I can't help but notice all the bad news, and not take in the good news. I feel like I have such a negative view on most people and most of the world. I don't want to. I feel that I think about it a lot to the point of driving me crazy. I guess lately I just hate my life in general. You have to grow up fast these days, get a job, make money, maybe go to college then your stuck with a job that you kind of like, but aren't too passionate about.  It's hard to find passion anymore when I'm surrounded by people. I'm afraid school wise, the major I have isn't the one I want. Big deal, everyone goes through that.  The only problem is, I don't feel worthy of completing any major.  I'm going to sink soon because more and more I stop giving a shit about myself and what I do. I can never make decisions without someone else's input. As i'm reading over all of this I think, wow my problems do not seem as bad as it sounds. I can't explain to you the way I think and the way I feel.  These examples I'm giving you don't even come close. I think about death a lot. Not killing myself, but death itself. I really don't want to kill myself, believe me. Sometimes I think that it would be awesome just to leave this world. I feel very stuck in my head and all I want to do is let go like I use to and not let stupid small problems with people and myself bother me.  It makes it feel weak. The more it hurts me the more I try too hard and I feel like I can't be normal. I can't ever sit still. If i'm one place I want to be in another place. I'm never happy in the moment where I am, never. I'm always in thought, in my own world. I never know what to do with myself because if i sit alone all these thoughts flee in my head. I want to feel smart and important. I don't want to be the joke of my friends. I used to like the fact that I was a little different from people (everyone is). But now I just want to fit in.  I don't want to be hated and judged.  No wonder so many has so much anxiety in this generation.  It expects a lot from you.  It's because being succuessful has an image.  An image that isn't real. Everybody always wants something. All I want is to calm down. What do I do if i'm not okay with myself. How can I be okay with myself and go back  to living my life. I have so many goals. I feel like i'm never going to reach them if I don't have confidence. I feel like I'm just being set up for many disappointments.

I want to be not so focused on myself, but focused on others. I can't do that unless I feel okay with myself.

  • raeef


I feel trapped all the time. It's like nobody is willing to stop and look and notice I'm struggling.  I feel trapped, like nothing is ever changing, nothing is ever getting better. I can't do anything. I want to escape my life, go far away.

I feel like I have this responsibility, to be the strong one, to be the one that everyone can go to to have a laugh with and make themselves feel better.  But then I have no one that I can turn to when I feel troubled.

I used to have a low self esteem and be extremely self conscious, a person people could step all over and be certain that they'd never protest, until I got sick of myself. Now I've become this shell, like I've buried myself deep down somewhere protected from the bad things. In result I have trouble expressing myself and trusting others and have picked up bad habits in order to deal. I shut those closest to me out as a safety precaution so I don't get hurt, which just makes me madder and lonelier. I have trouble with my anger and rage. I have trouble with being sad. My mother plays a major role in the way I am. She's always at me all the time, making me feel like a bad person. I just have to sit there and take it, because if I was to say anything then I wouldn't be allowed out of the house for a month, I have no control. People think they know what it's like. 'Yeah' they say. 'Your mum's a bitch.' But they don't understand, they're not there when she makes you feel powerless, makes you want to scream and cry or just run away. So that's why there's a wall always up. People can't see behind the wall, some don't even realize it's there. They just believe that you're this strong, emotionless statue that they can lean on, weigh down on.

So I do things like cutting, smoking, drinking, any drugs if I can get my hands on them in order to deal. Because when you're powerless everything just bottles up and you can feel all these emotions rising but you can't do anything with them. Because you refuse to cry because that you think makes you look weak, makes you the pathetic excuse for a human being that you once were. And you're the one people need to be strong, so you can't tell, can't show any form of vulnerability. And so you're left with anger. There's nothing like feeling so angry that you almost can't stand your own face and then slicing up your thigh just to feel something different.

But then you have to deal with their faces if they ever catch a glimpse at what you've done. The way they all of sudden look at you different. It's not a sympathetic look, more a look that says 'Oh I see what you are now' like the cuts define me. I don't deny I get a rush and a sense of satisfaction after I'm finished, I wouldn't keep doing it if I didn't. But it's not like I think what I'm doing is good, I know it's wrong. But there are a lot of things wrong that people aren't seeing. 

I don't know what to do anymore, writing used to help, but that's all it ended up being, my written thoughts that nobody else saw except me. And looking at them just made me feel empty, because I still have the same thoughts. I don't know what my point of writing this was, I think I really just needed someone, anyone to finally hear it all, know it all. And that's it.


hello all

 hi.  check the profile if u want my personal description.  the important thing is that i joined LJ again, after a long sabbatical from the thing, for support.  i figure if i share my thoughts, worries, etc, with others, i might be able to live a healthy life without as much trouble as i have had in the past, and am having now.

i profiled support communities, and joined yours, mainly because i HOPE that people will actually respond to my post, at the very least acknowledging them, hopefully offering support in them, preferably offering advice in them - even flaming, i can handle.  i realize i'm posting to a community, and that everyone's opinions are going to be different, and some might come from people with beliefs that i myself do not believe in.  

i'm getting ready to go to school for animation.  my walk cycles aren't even worth looking at, but i can draw, so that's something.  that cycle took 12 hours to create, and the fact that it is scrap material has left me crestfallen.  

i spent 1.5yrs getting off drugs; i got arrested for marijuana, had to go clean, then started doing whippits . . . finally broke that habit.  only now i'm abusing my prescription meds; not much, only a little, but still.  i seem to have self destructive patterns, a need for it, that i *must* follow.  there's always something that's not quite acceptable in my life.  drugs, alcohol, cheating, sneaking money from the parents, self mutilation. . . i've been through it all.

but i've worked through all that, and i'm engaged, and she stuck by me through getting clean and everything.  i'm scared that school won't work out.  that i won't get in.  that we won't be able to pay for it.  that i won't do well.  that i'll get kicked out.  that i won't be able to find a job after & won't be able to pay for the loans i know i'll have to take out to pay for the education.  

that's why i compulsively animate now, draw, animate, all the time.  i've lost interest in everything else, even in WoW, which i was hooked on for years.  the only other things that i can focus on are my family and my fiancee.  i just want to do well again, to show that i can be good again, to succeed again.

but this little habit, sneaking a pill in here & there when i shouldn't.  no one could see it.  i don't know why i do it.  but i do.  

and i smoke, but that's a whole different story.  

anyway, any helpful words about how to stop the pills, or compulsive destructive behavior in general, would be welcome.  i hope to hear from someone, if any of you have the time.
  • Current Mood
    worried worried

hi i'm new here

I seem to be lacking someone to actually listen to me, well besides my sister in law, and it helps when we talk on the phone, but, anyways,

I feel like I'm trapped. I'm a 19 y old Army wife, I love my husband very much, more than my own life, and I am very thankful to have him and everything we have, how ever, I don't have a driver's license, no job, and I don't have a drivers license. And unfortunately we live a good distance away from any place that I could work at. I have no problem in walking to work, I did that before, but then  my husband says there's too many weirdos on the street. And I want to go to work on post and go to school at the post college, but he says " oh some sidewalks you're not allowed to walk on".

And my driver's license. I can  drive automatic, my husband has a stick shift. He's promised me  that he would help me practice driving stick shift and help me get my license. But recently, my mom in law said when we go visit them in the summer, if my husband didn't take me, she would get my license. And when I told my husband that it seems like now he's waiting for that. And this weekend, he's got a 3 day weekend and he promised this time he would help me practice, because I pestered him about it. I can't help it. I need to learn and I need a job.

But I know he wont get around to it. And I feel so trapped , I don't like to bring my feelings up to him, because , right now he's home for lunch break, and I kind of told him how I felt and he said he didn't like to see me sad because it makes him feel sad and somewhat angry. And I always feel guilty making him feel bad, because he pays for everything, and he works, in the Army and probably has to deal with all sorts of shit everyday. So I try to hide my feelings and keep them bottled up inside. I  sometimes talk to some of my friends and they help make me feel better temporarily, but the feeling usually comes back.

I feel so helpless and trapped, to the point of , like, I will walk to the town here, to work at the strip club. I 'm tired of being moneyless and stuff, and I think I have to depend on myself because obviously I know my husband won't take me looking for jobs or even take my driving practice. I also feel that in a way, he wants me to be soley dependant on him so he can always feel like he's got the control over every situation. But I think its just him being lazy.

And he just left to go back to work, I feel like sometimes I'm just a waste of breath and I'm always stressing him out.So I always just keep my feelings to myself, I probably will until I just feel like ending it all. It hurts so much because I really do love him.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed


I self-injured for the first time today, right now. I was in the bathroom, about to take my shower. I took one of my Dads razors out of the cabinet, and cut my arm. 3 across, 1 down, through them. I screwed up so bad. Its all I do recently. Screw up. 
I liked it though. I liked seeing the blood flow out. I want more. I hate this. I never thought I would be able to do something like this. I dont even feel depressed most of the time. I mean yes, I do have my moments, but i usually manage to reason with myself, make myself look on the positive side and get over it. I didnt feel depressed before i did it. Im just such a freaking idiot screw up
Shit shit shit shit shit. This sucks. I hate my life write now. I hate myself right now. Im fucking terrified. I dont want to be like this. I just know Ill do it again.
I didnt feel anything when i did it. I wasnt even thinking.
Help. I need help. Please. I dont know what to do.
The bleeding stopped. It wasnt deep cuts, or big cuts. Buts its all red now. I did it at the top of my forearm, the thickest bit of my arm. 
Help. Im scared.


Hopefully SOMEONE can help me, because I am going absolutely mad.

My name's Heather and I'm 20 years young. I live with my boyfriend, Corey, of 3 years. We moved in together on February 15, 2008. A couple of months after moving in together, I noticed he wanted to spend MORE time with his friends than he normally had. I was okay with that until some problems started occurring. He went out with his buddies and I had the car that night because I went out with a friend as well. He said his friend Brandon would drop him off around 11pm. 11pm rolls around and he is not home. At first I thought he was running late but once 12am rolled around, I started to panic... wondering if he was okay. I kept calling and texting and around 3 am, called my Mother because I couldn't sleep. 5:30am rolls around and he texts me. He doesn't apologize for what he did. He just texts me asking "what's up?" I call him, found out where he is, and go to pick him up. He tells me his excuse was that Brandon said he wouldn't give him a ride home because he was tired... and he also said they fell asleep.

A couple months after, he decides to go back out with Brandon and some friends skateboarding. Says he'll be home at 12am. 12am rolls around and what do you know? He's not home. I call him and text him with no answer. 4:30am rolls around and he calls me and acts non-chalant AGAIN. He tells me he went to see his brother's band play and that he forgot his phone in the car. Then he proceeds to tell me his phone died.

Another couple of months after, he decides again to go back out with Brandon and some friends skateboarding. He realistically says he'll be home at 2am. Guess what? 2am rolls around and he's not home. I call and text him AGAIN with no answer AGAIN. At one point I call and it starts to go straight to voicemail. He finally calls around 3:30am to tell me his phone died and he's on his way home.

Just last Friday he goes out again with the same friends. At 10:30pm, we talk for a bit and I can tell he's a little drunk. I tell him he should sober up a bit before coming home for 2am. It's getting close to 2am so I call just to check that he's left with no answer. I text him with no answer. I happened to have a friend over and decide we are going to drive to where he is to pick him and my car up. We get there and he's lying in the bathroom, drunk and HIGH after he and I had a long talk about drugs and promised each other... no drugs what-so-ever. We had that talk at the beginning of our relationship.

What do I do? Am I overreacting? Should I end this relationship? Could he be cheating? Could he really just be forgetful?

Please help me.

Questions for those who know Adult Business via I-Net

I have a few questions for more established Webmasters, Cam Girls and even you consumers of porn out there in the bunch, but honestly if you feel you have anything to offer on the following questions, please feel free to contribute!

1. I have noticed although my daily/weekly signups are getting quite a bit better, It seems as if I get just as many cancellations. Now I think I offer quite a bit of not only content for the consumers buck, but also a HUGE way to see inside of my life and interact with me. Honestly they get some type of update daily.

Members have no only access to photo and video updates weekly but also 12-13 24/7 spy cams and also a daily hour long nudy chat with me. Not to mention they get access to all of my screen names on my various messengers and %50 off of all privates and customs they may be interested in getting from me.

What is it that I am doing wrong here? Is this normal for people to join up at the recurring rate and then cancel within a month or two? I have a small group of fan/followers that always stick around but the majority seems to be curious passers by.

2. I am developing my new affiliate program now that I have branched out on my own and away from my former dead beat webmaster and I am having it designed now by Anna from
(BTW she is a dream and is great to work with. I highly recommend her!)
The url for the basic join up right now is located here:
(If you were signed up before your code/links are no longer valid so please sign up again.)
This is the first real affiliate program I will have since I started off with my site several years ago and if you are wanting to join up now just email me for the content you need to promote me with until I can get it up.
I think this will help a lot with new joins but what do you think? Do you think this is a huge help for you and your sites that you run?

3. Also for the new affiliate program I need to think of a name and url to buy to have it at. I may expand my services this year to having a few other types of sites so having Jess in the url/title may or may not be the best Idea. What are your thoughts? Title suggestions?

4. Most of you webmaster folks out there run a plethora of girls sites and do your marketing for them through your built up affiliate programs, forums and other projects. My question is how do you advise your models to do their own marketing? Do you have them get profiles on various social networking sites or post in forums? If so which sites/forums? And please if you have any other advice that you usually give to models feel free to share!

5. What are some of the top webmaster forums that you participate on? I would like to gain as much knowledge as I can this year in running my own business and any links, suggestions or advice you can offer would be hella great, Like enough to celebrate.

6. What are your opinions on top lists? Waste of time or not?

7. What are your opinions on webcam image portals?

9. A lot of former affiliates of mine that I had before the billing account switch expressed a desire for a leak free tour. Well I am setting that up now but I have noticed some sites don’t seem to be worried about this at all. What circumstances is it considered alright to have other links to other sites (paid like another site I model on or non-paid sites like a myspace profile)?

10. I have seen that some sites choose to invest in other feeds for their members. What are the pros and cons of this in your opinion?

11. What do you think of copyrighting a name and or becoming incorporated in your business? How would I go about that? How worth it is this venture?

12. Is there a book or website that you could point me to, to learn SEO myself?

13. Lastly what do you think of a model that models for various sites either solo or multi girl, but the sites cater to different porn genres?

Thanks for your help and if there isn’t something I mentioned but you feel needs to be addressed, please do so!

Help get pole dancing into the 2012 Olympics!!

Why should you sign this petition? Pole dancing is totally worthy to be placed as an Olympic sport. Pole dancing in its true form is not slutty, in fact its very athletic, incorporating gymnastics, tremendous amounts of strength, flexibility and agility. Both men and women can do it.

After a great deal of feed back from the Pole Dance community many of us have decided that its about time pole fitness is recognised as a competitive sport and what better way for recognition, then to be part of the 2012 Olympics held in London!

Like the horizontal bar, the vertical bar should have a place in international competitive sport. We believe that like Rhythmic Gymnastic, the Horizontal Bar and Figure Skating, Pole Dance/Vertical Dance is acrobatic, gymnastic, technical and takes a great deal of physical skill and strength to master, earning it a place in the greatest sporting event in the world. Over 50 countries world wide take part in lessons, workshops, conventions, expose, competitions and teacher training. This is an international sport that both men, women and those that are on a low income can take part in, unlike sports such as horse riding, sailing and snow based sports.

This is by no means a fad or a trend, Pole is here to stay.

Please come together to sign our petition to lobby the International Olympic committee to having pole dance as test sport for the 2012 Olympics in London. They have just introduced BMX biking as an official sport so why not Vertical Dance???????