jarethrake (jarethrake) wrote in _here2help,

This time twenty-four hours ago I was sitting in a police station, waiting for my grandmother to show up so that I could give a statement.  Last night, I was assaulted by a girl, and I should have seen it coming.

I'm female too.  I met the bitch a year and a half ago, at my friend Emma's engagement party.  As we both got drunker, she started touching me more and more, and telling me how gorgeous I was, and that she wasn't gay, but she was really attracted to me.  Every time we were alone together, she kissed me, or tried to touch me.  I wasn't quite enjoying it, but - it sounds stupid, but I didn't want to be impolite or make too big a deal.  I tried to move away, and use body language to let her know that I wasn't enjoying it.  I did kiss her back a little, then, but I ended up staying in another room that night.  The full story's on my personal LJ, here.  That's dated wrong, because I resposted it from bad_sex when I came more to terms with what had happened.

The other night was almost the first time I'd seen her again.  We'd met on another night out, a few weeks before, but I hadn't realised it was her until I saw the photos the next day, and the names they were labelled with.

So, yesterday, I thought things could be okay.  As far as I was concerned, it was all a big drunken mistake, and we would be able to be 'friends' if we all just kind of ignored it, and it never happened again.  She mentioned it a couple of times over the night, but she was kind of saying that there were no hard feelings.  She did chide me for not leaving a note, or letting her know that I'd gone.  She didn't seem to realise she was part of the problem.

For various (stupid) reasons, I agreed to stay at hers again.  She'd just gotten engaged, she hadn't been trying to touch me, and I thought it would be okay, I thought she'd respect that I didn't want to do anything.  If she'd been male, I wouldn't have let mself get in that position, but I guess I just don't think of females as threatening.  Didn't.

I was meant to be staying on the sofa, but once we got there, there was no mention of that.  She leant me pyjamas to change into, and when I came out of the bathroom, I went to find her.  She was in her bedroom,and she told me to get into the bed.  It was a double, and I thought we could get through the night without touching.  I was sobering up by this point, and I didn't want to antagonise her.

She started trying to kiss me again.  I told her to stop.  She left her arm laying over me, and kept asking for explanations.  She claimed she'd been in love with me for four years, that we'd known each other that long.  We hadn't, we'd known each other since June of last year.  She had this whole logical explanation worked out about how it must have been that long ago, because of various events in her life.  She kept saying that friends of ours had told her that I liked her, that I'd been giving her signals all night.  I thought I'd been giving them to the barman, tbh.  She told me that the barman had said he never wanted to see me again.  She said she didn't care if I was thinking about him, that it would just be a bit of fun.  She said her fiance knew that she was a lesbian, and that he wouldn't mind, but she couldn't let her family know because they'd go insane.  She went on about how hard her life was, which, firstly, wasn't as bad as mine, quite frankly, and secondly, seemed to contradict her story about her family going insane.  It didn't sound like they'd notice, much less care.  I think she was saying anything that would convince me to sleep with her.  I kept telling her I didn't want to do anything, and I wasn't interested.  She said that she didn't want to make me do anything I didn't want to, but then tried to convince me that I did want to.  She wanted to know why I was calling our friends liars, or if it was that she was too fat, or too ugly.  I ignored that,and kept repeating that I didn't want to.

She asked if I wanted to just sleep, and I agreed.  She left me alone for a minute, but I could hear her breathing.  It sounded angry, or aroused, or sobbing, one of them, maybe all of them.  Then she started again.  She just wanted an explanation of why I'd been giving her mixed signals, when she knew I was bi, she knew that I'd been with other girls (I haven't) and all our friends said I liked her.  I got up and said I'd better go and sleep on the sofa.  She physically grabbed me by the shoulders and told me not to be stupid.  She agreed to leave me alone again, but she'd grabbed me again less than a second later.  I tried to get up again, but this time she pinned me down.  I was trying to kind of make a circle with my arms, so she could touch me as little as possible.  She kept saying that she knew I'd like her, and it would just be a night of drunken fun.  I started scratching at her and pulling her hair.  It was still kind of a 'polite' struggle then, like neither of us wanted to acknowledge that we were actually fighting.  Then she started talking about how she knew I was enjoying it, that I wanted to be forced, so I bit her, as hard as I could.  She put her hand over my mouth, and that reminded me that I had one, so when she moved her hand, I screamed as loudly as I could.  She immediately got up and ran out of the room, presumably to see if her mother had woken up, telling me to get out.  I got up and grabbed my clothes.  I couldn't see a lightswitch, so I asked her to please turn it on so I could grab my bag and my shoes.  I asked her if I could get changed before leaving.  She refused both, but turned the light on after a minute when she realised it would make more sense.  I grabbed my things and walked down the stairs towards the front door.  She followed me, still physically pulling at my hair and pushing me.

When I got outside, I walked to the right until I saw a street sign.  I called the local police, but they didn't pick up, so I called 999.  Apparently, this was at 2:30am.  They sent a police car, but it took a few minutes to arrive, and while I was talking to the lady, the bitch showed up again, talking on her phone.  I insisted on staying on the line to the emergency services; I didn't know what she'd do if there weren't any witnesses.  I overheard bits of her conversation; she was calling me names, and telling someone that I'd attacked her.  She tried to tell me to come back with her, so she could have her pyjamas back, but I refused.  The policecar pulled up, and I jumped in the back immediately, to be protected.  I asked them to drive a little way down the road so she couldn't see me.  I was in tears the entire time.

I started telling the officer what had happened.  Then the sergeant, who'd been speaking to the bitch, came back.  She said that the bitch claimed I'd attacked her and that "neither of your stories ring true".  I told her that I have aspergers, so my reactions aren't always what one would expect.  Although the police were kind, looking back, it seems that they didn't believe me.  Maybe it's because we're both female, and I'm a foot taller than she is.

I told them I wanted to file a report, even though they explained that, if I did, she'd file a counter-claim against me for attacking her.  I said I didn't care.  I had to file that claim, or else I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye any more.  Last time, I thought if I could ignore it, it would go away.  This time, maybe she'd get the hint.

I filed the report, after waiting in an interview room for about an hour and a half.  I asked to wait in there, for privacy, rather than in the waiting room where they'd left me.

After the report, they let me go home with my grandmother, whom I live with.  I got on msn, and voice called someone, so I wouldn't have to be alone.  I slept all day with the headset on, so there'd be someone there all the time.

The police called in the afternoon.  The only witness was the bitch's sister, who'd only heard her shouting at me.  They were dropping the case for insufficient evidence.

An hour ago, I cut my cheek open with a razor.  I want to leave a scar.


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