enitrebil (enitrebil) wrote in _here2help,

I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams

A long time ago I was seeng a guy, lets call him D. We were
together about 3 months and he lived in Manchester. I broke up with him cuz I fancied some idiot at school (why was I so stupid, I loved D and he loved me), who I went out with for about a week then I met another guy, N. D and I decided to stay friends... N didn't like me having friends so put a stop to that. He wrote an email from me to D saying I wanted him out of my life for good and never wanted to talk to him again. A few months later he told me to email D and ask him to take all pictures of me off his website.

That was all in 2002. In Feb 2003 (just before N and I moved in together) I decided to text D in secret and he replied so we ended up talking on MSN for a while. I can't remember much of what was said but it was so nice to talk to him again and I apologised n' stuff. He made me this picture with some Pixies lyrics (Girlie so groovy) and we had a good chat. He sent me a Valentine's card too. A few days after that he died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage. When a friend rang me to let me know, N was with me and started laughing. I never let myself grieve as I was scared of N.

That was 6 years ago... I have thought about him over the years but never allowed myself to get upset about it. Just over a week ago I was trying to find some photos and came across this diary he had online (I've seen it before, a few years ago) well he wrote some stuff about me around the time of the emails which wasn't very nice :\ ever since then it's all come flooding back and feels like he's only just died. I've been feeling sad/angry at myself/shocked and crying loads. I know I had set things straight before he died (how weird that I decided to contact him just a few days before) but I just wish so much that I could talk to him again. I miss him.

I only have one photo of us and we weren't actually together at that point. I lost all the photos I had when moving house years ago. I have so many memories of our time together and wish I had the photos to go with them. It's doing my head in trying to remember everything and remember him more clearly. I feel so, so sad.

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