watchmo (watchmo) wrote in _here2help,

Hi to everyone=)
I just added this community because I feel that I have nobody to talk to. I feel like I'm an  inconvenience when I talk to people about what I feel. I guess you can say that I don't trust many people. I have close friends but I feel that we don't connect on the same level. I actually feel that way about everybody, even my boyfriend. I get the feeling sometimes I'm "out there" and people don't really understand my train of thought.  What is really bothering me is myself as a person. I have obsessive thoughts that follow me everywhere. I think my confidence is lower than it should be and now it's really starting to effect me in social situations. At first, when this first started happening I thought it was a normal phase that everyone went through. But now I seem to care and notice more about me and my situation. I guess you can say I feel really lonely, even if I do have close friends. I feel that I bend over backwards for them, but when it comes to me they just feel it's okay to take advantage of me just because I'm use to it and can handle it. Or because I'm "stupid".  I really feel that is the one of the worst words you can associate with someone else. 
I feel socially awkward and what worries me. I never use to be like this. I never use to care about what people thought of me as much as i do now and it's causing problems in my head. I feel depressed I guess you can say. I hate using that word  because I don't feel worthy using it. I feel that i have an awesome life, I am surrounded by people that love me, I have caring parents and friends. None of that seems of value when I look at myself and feel uncomfortable with the person I am. I feel that I've become boring. It's because I feel that it's harder to talk freely to people.  Now I feel every thought out of my head isn't worthy to hear because it's a stupid thought, or I can't explain myself well enough for the other person to "get it".  I notice more and more I yell at myself in my head saying things like "why did you just say that are you stupid?" I do say things without thinking. 

I  feel like the world is complete shit. Everyone knows all the shit that goes down, anyone who reads the news.  History teaches it.  T.V teaches it.  I can't help but notice all the bad news, and not take in the good news. I feel like I have such a negative view on most people and most of the world. I don't want to. I feel that I think about it a lot to the point of driving me crazy. I guess lately I just hate my life in general. You have to grow up fast these days, get a job, make money, maybe go to college then your stuck with a job that you kind of like, but aren't too passionate about.  It's hard to find passion anymore when I'm surrounded by people. I'm afraid school wise, the major I have isn't the one I want. Big deal, everyone goes through that.  The only problem is, I don't feel worthy of completing any major.  I'm going to sink soon because more and more I stop giving a shit about myself and what I do. I can never make decisions without someone else's input. As i'm reading over all of this I think, wow my problems do not seem as bad as it sounds. I can't explain to you the way I think and the way I feel.  These examples I'm giving you don't even come close. I think about death a lot. Not killing myself, but death itself. I really don't want to kill myself, believe me. Sometimes I think that it would be awesome just to leave this world. I feel very stuck in my head and all I want to do is let go like I use to and not let stupid small problems with people and myself bother me.  It makes it feel weak. The more it hurts me the more I try too hard and I feel like I can't be normal. I can't ever sit still. If i'm one place I want to be in another place. I'm never happy in the moment where I am, never. I'm always in thought, in my own world. I never know what to do with myself because if i sit alone all these thoughts flee in my head. I want to feel smart and important. I don't want to be the joke of my friends. I used to like the fact that I was a little different from people (everyone is). But now I just want to fit in.  I don't want to be hated and judged.  No wonder so many has so much anxiety in this generation.  It expects a lot from you.  It's because being succuessful has an image.  An image that isn't real. Everybody always wants something. All I want is to calm down. What do I do if i'm not okay with myself. How can I be okay with myself and go back  to living my life. I have so many goals. I feel like i'm never going to reach them if I don't have confidence. I feel like I'm just being set up for many disappointments.

I want to be not so focused on myself, but focused on others. I can't do that unless I feel okay with myself.


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