bound2worry (bound2worry) wrote in _here2help,

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hello all

 hi.  check the profile if u want my personal description.  the important thing is that i joined LJ again, after a long sabbatical from the thing, for support.  i figure if i share my thoughts, worries, etc, with others, i might be able to live a healthy life without as much trouble as i have had in the past, and am having now.

i profiled support communities, and joined yours, mainly because i HOPE that people will actually respond to my post, at the very least acknowledging them, hopefully offering support in them, preferably offering advice in them - even flaming, i can handle.  i realize i'm posting to a community, and that everyone's opinions are going to be different, and some might come from people with beliefs that i myself do not believe in.  

i'm getting ready to go to school for animation.  my walk cycles aren't even worth looking at, but i can draw, so that's something.  that cycle took 12 hours to create, and the fact that it is scrap material has left me crestfallen.  

i spent 1.5yrs getting off drugs; i got arrested for marijuana, had to go clean, then started doing whippits . . . finally broke that habit.  only now i'm abusing my prescription meds; not much, only a little, but still.  i seem to have self destructive patterns, a need for it, that i *must* follow.  there's always something that's not quite acceptable in my life.  drugs, alcohol, cheating, sneaking money from the parents, self mutilation. . . i've been through it all.

but i've worked through all that, and i'm engaged, and she stuck by me through getting clean and everything.  i'm scared that school won't work out.  that i won't get in.  that we won't be able to pay for it.  that i won't do well.  that i'll get kicked out.  that i won't be able to find a job after & won't be able to pay for the loans i know i'll have to take out to pay for the education.  

that's why i compulsively animate now, draw, animate, all the time.  i've lost interest in everything else, even in WoW, which i was hooked on for years.  the only other things that i can focus on are my family and my fiancee.  i just want to do well again, to show that i can be good again, to succeed again.

but this little habit, sneaking a pill in here & there when i shouldn't.  no one could see it.  i don't know why i do it.  but i do.  

and i smoke, but that's a whole different story.  

anyway, any helpful words about how to stop the pills, or compulsive destructive behavior in general, would be welcome.  i hope to hear from someone, if any of you have the time.

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