July 13th, 2009

  • raeef


I feel trapped all the time. It's like nobody is willing to stop and look and notice I'm struggling.  I feel trapped, like nothing is ever changing, nothing is ever getting better. I can't do anything. I want to escape my life, go far away.

I feel like I have this responsibility, to be the strong one, to be the one that everyone can go to to have a laugh with and make themselves feel better.  But then I have no one that I can turn to when I feel troubled.

I used to have a low self esteem and be extremely self conscious, a person people could step all over and be certain that they'd never protest, until I got sick of myself. Now I've become this shell, like I've buried myself deep down somewhere protected from the bad things. In result I have trouble expressing myself and trusting others and have picked up bad habits in order to deal. I shut those closest to me out as a safety precaution so I don't get hurt, which just makes me madder and lonelier. I have trouble with my anger and rage. I have trouble with being sad. My mother plays a major role in the way I am. She's always at me all the time, making me feel like a bad person. I just have to sit there and take it, because if I was to say anything then I wouldn't be allowed out of the house for a month, I have no control. People think they know what it's like. 'Yeah' they say. 'Your mum's a bitch.' But they don't understand, they're not there when she makes you feel powerless, makes you want to scream and cry or just run away. So that's why there's a wall always up. People can't see behind the wall, some don't even realize it's there. They just believe that you're this strong, emotionless statue that they can lean on, weigh down on.

So I do things like cutting, smoking, drinking, any drugs if I can get my hands on them in order to deal. Because when you're powerless everything just bottles up and you can feel all these emotions rising but you can't do anything with them. Because you refuse to cry because that you think makes you look weak, makes you the pathetic excuse for a human being that you once were. And you're the one people need to be strong, so you can't tell, can't show any form of vulnerability. And so you're left with anger. There's nothing like feeling so angry that you almost can't stand your own face and then slicing up your thigh just to feel something different.

But then you have to deal with their faces if they ever catch a glimpse at what you've done. The way they all of sudden look at you different. It's not a sympathetic look, more a look that says 'Oh I see what you are now' like the cuts define me. I don't deny I get a rush and a sense of satisfaction after I'm finished, I wouldn't keep doing it if I didn't. But it's not like I think what I'm doing is good, I know it's wrong. But there are a lot of things wrong that people aren't seeing. 

I don't know what to do anymore, writing used to help, but that's all it ended up being, my written thoughts that nobody else saw except me. And looking at them just made me feel empty, because I still have the same thoughts. I don't know what my point of writing this was, I think I really just needed someone, anyone to finally hear it all, know it all. And that's it.