• qingri

He's stopped talking to me?

It feel really weird that this is what i'm worrying about now! But i suppose i should have expected it; I started anti-depessants a while back and i feel like i'm slowly moving into a more 'average' fram of mind for my age. (eg, i never more make up, but im typing this wearing nail varnish and eyeliner; i'm watching and reading more news and satire, whereas before i barely knew what happened around me.)

He's stopped talking to me, but only when he has a girlfriend?Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated
  • hofit

The Dream.

My Dream is to change the world for the better. I currently think that our society is very selfish, materialistic and disconnected. This world is lacking so much love, unity, art, creation and faith. I feel as though people have forgotten the meaning of unconditional love, true happiness, true beauty, nature & so much more. Im here to remind the world. All it takes is one. This year, Im dedicating an entire year to the world. Im dedicating 365 of my life with acts of goodness for humanity. Everyday I will blog about my expierence of that day in the hopes of inspiring the world to do better & be on the pursuit of changing peoples lives!I know all it takes is passion, drive, a warm heart, one HUGE Dream, & I will never STOP!
In life's name...

my mum's in pain

My mum's been in pain pretty much constantly for the past two weeks now. She's screaming right now, well, whimper/screaming, and I'm scared. I think it's back spasms... she's been taking a lot of painkillers, and muscle relaxants, but they don't seem to help much.

She had a nervous breakdown like ten-twenty minutes ago, and dad suggested she go to the hospital but they didn't. So now I'm coming to you, people of LJ, to see if you can help.

I'm worried, and scared, and crying right now...
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed
fma: omg magnet


Hi all,

I received an e-mail yesterday from my uncle that read:


I need your help. I am trying to gather love letters for a woman named Michelle. I think she needs them desperately.

Yesterday, at San Diego Hospice, I met Michelle. She is 57 and dying of metastasized cervical cancer which causes her a great deal of pain. Michelle’s face is a little distorted, not ugly but not quite normal, and she is extraordinarily self conscious about it. When I came into her room, she covered her face with her hands, or a magazine, and put on oversized sunglasses. Michelle is a black Baptist. She likes scripture and she likes to pray – actually, she likes other people to pray for her because she is not sure she is worthy to pray for herself.

The whole conversation with her was about love. She started with “how do I learn to love everybody?” She explained that people who love everybody “will be rewarded.” Before long, that moved closer to what I think is the real issue when I asked her “do you feel loved?” She responded by asking what she called The Million Dollar Question: “How do you love yourself?”

She seems to be someone who not only does not know love, but does not believe she is “lovable.” She is overwhelmed by her imperfections, in her appearance and her life, and is not at all sure that she is lovable enough to be with God.

This morning I woke up thinking palanca. This woman needs a big basket of love. I collected about 20 love letters from the St Monica’s Prayer Group this morning and would like more from you. Please prayer for Michelle and please write her a note that I will deliver with many dozens more. You can e-mail it to me or give it to me tomorrow at grouping. Feel free to ask others to write to her also. The more the better.

De Colores,


I thought it would be really nice to try and collect as many letters for this woman as I could, so I'd like to enlist your help. I've received several letters from people on livejournal so far, most of which are about a paragraph in length and share words of encouragement and God's love. I think this is a wonderful cause, especially given the spirit of the Christmas season. If you're interested in writing a letter for Michelle then you can e-mail it to me (kerlanger@gmail.com) and I'll make sure it gets to the right place.

And of course, any prayers you can offer for her would be lovely.

Thank you so much. :)

(Also, if you know anyone else who you think might be interested in writing a letter, please don't hesitate to share this with them.)
Girl Interrupted

(no subject)


Angela Hartlin's memoir, FOREVER MARKED: A Dermatillomania Diary has finally been released! Please join her Facebook Fan page to spread word about this skin picking disorder along with her experiences with it.

People with this disorder have traits of Body Dysmorphic Disorder and usually suffer from depression. It is an Impulse Control Disorder that is fueled by high levels of anxiety. The first few pages can be previewed at the Lulu.com site, which includes a better definition of Dermatillomania.

Even if you do not have Facebook, the prices are listed there for Canadian, American, and International buyers. If you do, please spread the word of the fan page to everyone on your friend's list, even if you have to tell them that you're spreading the word for a friend! We need to raise awareness about this silent disorder and help break the stigma on mental health in general. You never know who is suffering in isolation from having this condition.

Please e-mail forever.markedATyahoo.ca if you want to purchase from Angela directly; she offers a lower shipping price than Lulu.com does. Include the country that you live in and she can send you a quote. Thank you.

Muppets, Stupid

(no subject)

This time twenty-four hours ago I was sitting in a police station, waiting for my grandmother to show up so that I could give a statement.  Last night, I was assaulted by a girl, and I should have seen it coming.

I'm female too.  I met the bitch a year and a half ago, at my friend Emma's engagement party.  As we both got drunker, she started touching me more and more, and telling me how gorgeous I was, and that she wasn't gay, but she was really attracted to me.  Every time we were alone together, she kissed me, or tried to touch me.  I wasn't quite enjoying it, but - it sounds stupid, but I didn't want to be impolite or make too big a deal.  I tried to move away, and use body language to let her know that I wasn't enjoying it.  I did kiss her back a little, then, but I ended up staying in another room that night.  The full story's on my personal LJ, here.  That's dated wrong, because I resposted it from bad_sex when I came more to terms with what had happened.

The other night was almost the first time I'd seen her again.  We'd met on another night out, a few weeks before, but I hadn't realised it was her until I saw the photos the next day, and the names they were labelled with.

So, yesterday, I thought things could be okay.  As far as I was concerned, it was all a big drunken mistake, and we would be able to be 'friends' if we all just kind of ignored it, and it never happened again.  She mentioned it a couple of times over the night, but she was kind of saying that there were no hard feelings.  She did chide me for not leaving a note, or letting her know that I'd gone.  She didn't seem to realise she was part of the problem.

For various (stupid) reasons, I agreed to stay at hers again.  She'd just gotten engaged, she hadn't been trying to touch me, and I thought it would be okay, I thought she'd respect that I didn't want to do anything.  If she'd been male, I wouldn't have let mself get in that position, but I guess I just don't think of females as threatening.  Didn't.

I was meant to be staying on the sofa, but once we got there, there was no mention of that.  She leant me pyjamas to change into, and when I came out of the bathroom, I went to find her.  She was in her bedroom,and she told me to get into the bed.  It was a double, and I thought we could get through the night without touching.  I was sobering up by this point, and I didn't want to antagonise her.

She started trying to kiss me again.  I told her to stop.  She left her arm laying over me, and kept asking for explanations.  She claimed she'd been in love with me for four years, that we'd known each other that long.  We hadn't, we'd known each other since June of last year.  She had this whole logical explanation worked out about how it must have been that long ago, because of various events in her life.  She kept saying that friends of ours had told her that I liked her, that I'd been giving her signals all night.  I thought I'd been giving them to the barman, tbh.  She told me that the barman had said he never wanted to see me again.  She said she didn't care if I was thinking about him, that it would just be a bit of fun.  She said her fiance knew that she was a lesbian, and that he wouldn't mind, but she couldn't let her family know because they'd go insane.  She went on about how hard her life was, which, firstly, wasn't as bad as mine, quite frankly, and secondly, seemed to contradict her story about her family going insane.  It didn't sound like they'd notice, much less care.  I think she was saying anything that would convince me to sleep with her.  I kept telling her I didn't want to do anything, and I wasn't interested.  She said that she didn't want to make me do anything I didn't want to, but then tried to convince me that I did want to.  She wanted to know why I was calling our friends liars, or if it was that she was too fat, or too ugly.  I ignored that,and kept repeating that I didn't want to.

She asked if I wanted to just sleep, and I agreed.  She left me alone for a minute, but I could hear her breathing.  It sounded angry, or aroused, or sobbing, one of them, maybe all of them.  Then she started again.  She just wanted an explanation of why I'd been giving her mixed signals, when she knew I was bi, she knew that I'd been with other girls (I haven't) and all our friends said I liked her.  I got up and said I'd better go and sleep on the sofa.  She physically grabbed me by the shoulders and told me not to be stupid.  She agreed to leave me alone again, but she'd grabbed me again less than a second later.  I tried to get up again, but this time she pinned me down.  I was trying to kind of make a circle with my arms, so she could touch me as little as possible.  She kept saying that she knew I'd like her, and it would just be a night of drunken fun.  I started scratching at her and pulling her hair.  It was still kind of a 'polite' struggle then, like neither of us wanted to acknowledge that we were actually fighting.  Then she started talking about how she knew I was enjoying it, that I wanted to be forced, so I bit her, as hard as I could.  She put her hand over my mouth, and that reminded me that I had one, so when she moved her hand, I screamed as loudly as I could.  She immediately got up and ran out of the room, presumably to see if her mother had woken up, telling me to get out.  I got up and grabbed my clothes.  I couldn't see a lightswitch, so I asked her to please turn it on so I could grab my bag and my shoes.  I asked her if I could get changed before leaving.  She refused both, but turned the light on after a minute when she realised it would make more sense.  I grabbed my things and walked down the stairs towards the front door.  She followed me, still physically pulling at my hair and pushing me.

When I got outside, I walked to the right until I saw a street sign.  I called the local police, but they didn't pick up, so I called 999.  Apparently, this was at 2:30am.  They sent a police car, but it took a few minutes to arrive, and while I was talking to the lady, the bitch showed up again, talking on her phone.  I insisted on staying on the line to the emergency services; I didn't know what she'd do if there weren't any witnesses.  I overheard bits of her conversation; she was calling me names, and telling someone that I'd attacked her.  She tried to tell me to come back with her, so she could have her pyjamas back, but I refused.  The policecar pulled up, and I jumped in the back immediately, to be protected.  I asked them to drive a little way down the road so she couldn't see me.  I was in tears the entire time.

I started telling the officer what had happened.  Then the sergeant, who'd been speaking to the bitch, came back.  She said that the bitch claimed I'd attacked her and that "neither of your stories ring true".  I told her that I have aspergers, so my reactions aren't always what one would expect.  Although the police were kind, looking back, it seems that they didn't believe me.  Maybe it's because we're both female, and I'm a foot taller than she is.

I told them I wanted to file a report, even though they explained that, if I did, she'd file a counter-claim against me for attacking her.  I said I didn't care.  I had to file that claim, or else I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye any more.  Last time, I thought if I could ignore it, it would go away.  This time, maybe she'd get the hint.

I filed the report, after waiting in an interview room for about an hour and a half.  I asked to wait in there, for privacy, rather than in the waiting room where they'd left me.

After the report, they let me go home with my grandmother, whom I live with.  I got on msn, and voice called someone, so I wouldn't have to be alone.  I slept all day with the headset on, so there'd be someone there all the time.

The police called in the afternoon.  The only witness was the bitch's sister, who'd only heard her shouting at me.  They were dropping the case for insufficient evidence.

An hour ago, I cut my cheek open with a razor.  I want to leave a scar.


So my boyfriend and I have
been goin good for a few weeks <3

You know how sometimes
lovers give eachother cute little
nicknames and stuff.

Well my boyfriend calls me "Mama"
but in a like I dunno how to explain it
just his tone when he says it.
Its like oooh mama haha i dunno

now it doesnt make me feel weird or anything
i've just never been called anything
even remotely close to that before

I mean how would you take that?
or am I just being obnoxious hahah :P

  • Current Music
    Forever In Terror - Upon Your Grave

Any advice (Greatly appreciated)

We've been dating for a few weeks
he's an ex of mine

lately he's been real distant
not answer calls/texts
and keeps blowing me off with lame excuses

I really like him
and I want to know whats going on with us
But I dont wanna irritate him and make
him not want to be with me anymore because
of my calling and asking him about "US"

Should I just let a few days go by
without talking to him then maybe he'll
come to me?
Or should I just talk to him about it now
and risk him dumping me because of the questions.

I want to pretend like I dont care
because I know guys dont want a girl
thats going to be in his ass 24/7
but im not we see eachother like maybe
1-2 times out of the week

i've never been so confused with
what to do im usually independent and can make
my own decision but im at a stand still
I dont know what to do

I care about people to much and my emotions
are getting the best of me right now
  • Current Music
    Sunday Morning - No Doubt

I don't know

I have problems tursting people and opening up. I wrote more on my online journal then I have ever told my friends and they're supposed to know me so well...


I don't know if this is going to come out right but here it goes

I was in Health and the teacher Mr. Smith told us that you could never really know a person unless you knew what hurts insde... if that's true then I have no true friends. Well I mean they've told me everything but I'm far too afriad to tell them anything. i don;t want to get hurt again. I just want someone who really cares to talk to. No one I talk to takes me seriously. They never really listen to what I have to say...

  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed