Though you feel like you're going under now...just keep breathing|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Don't worry we'll Listen's LiveJournal:
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|Sunday, February 20th, 2011|
He's stopped talking to me?
It feel really weird that this is what i'm worrying about now! But i suppose i should have expected it; I started anti-depessants a while back and i feel like i'm slowly moving into a more 'average' fram of mind for my age. (eg, i never more make up, but im typing this wearing nail varnish and eyeliner; i'm watching and reading more news and satire, whereas before i barely knew what happened around me.)( He's stopped talking to me, but only when he has a girlfriend?Collapse ) Current Mood: frustrated
|Wednesday, January 20th, 2010|
My Dream is to change the world for the better. I currently think that our society is very selfish, materialistic and disconnected. This world is lacking so much love, unity, art, creation and faith. I feel as though people have forgotten the meaning of unconditional love, true happiness, true beauty, nature & so much more. Im here to remind the world. All it takes is one. This year, Im dedicating an entire year to the world. Im dedicating 365 of my life with acts of goodness for humanity. Everyday I will blog about my expierence of that day in the hopes of inspiring the world to do better & be on the pursuit of changing peoples lives!I know all it takes is passion, drive, a warm heart, one HUGE Dream, & I will never STOP!http://hofit365.blogspot.com/
|Monday, January 11th, 2010|
my mum's in pain
My mum's been in pain pretty much constantly for the past two weeks now. She's screaming right now, well, whimper/screaming, and I'm scared
. I think it's back spasms... she's been taking a lot of painkillers, and muscle relaxants, but they don't seem to help much.
She had a nervous breakdown like ten-twenty minutes ago, and dad suggested she go to the hospital but they didn't. So now I'm coming to you, people of LJ, to see if you can help.
I'm worried, and scared, and crying right now... Current Mood: distressed
|Sunday, December 6th, 2009|
I received an e-mail yesterday from my uncle that read:Compadres,
I need your help. I am trying to gather love letters for a woman named Michelle. I think she needs them desperately.
Yesterday, at San Diego Hospice, I met Michelle. She is 57 and dying of metastasized cervical cancer which causes her a great deal of pain. Michelle’s face is a little distorted, not ugly but not quite normal, and she is extraordinarily self conscious about it. When I came into her room, she covered her face with her hands, or a magazine, and put on oversized sunglasses. Michelle is a black Baptist. She likes scripture and she likes to pray – actually, she likes other people to pray for her because she is not sure she is worthy to pray for herself.
The whole conversation with her was about love. She started with “how do I learn to love everybody?” She explained that people who love everybody “will be rewarded.” Before long, that moved closer to what I think is the real issue when I asked her “do you feel loved?” She responded by asking what she called The Million Dollar Question: “How do you love yourself?”
She seems to be someone who not only does not know love, but does not believe she is “lovable.” She is overwhelmed by her imperfections, in her appearance and her life, and is not at all sure that she is lovable enough to be with God.
This morning I woke up thinking palanca. This woman needs a big basket of love. I collected about 20 love letters from the St Monica’s Prayer Group this morning and would like more from you. Please prayer for Michelle and please write her a note that I will deliver with many dozens more. You can e-mail it to me or give it to me tomorrow at grouping. Feel free to ask others to write to her also. The more the better.
I thought it would be really nice to try and collect as many letters for this woman as I could, so I'd like to enlist your help. I've received several letters from people on livejournal so far, most of which are about a paragraph in length and share words of encouragement and God's love. I think this is a wonderful cause, especially given the spirit of the Christmas season. If you're interested in writing a letter for Michelle then you can e-mail it to me (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I'll make sure it gets to the right place.
And of course, any prayers you can offer for her would be lovely.
Thank you so much. :)
(Also, if you know anyone else who you think might be interested in writing a letter, please don't hesitate to share this with them.)
|Thursday, November 26th, 2009|
Angela Hartlin's memoir, FOREVER MARKED: A Dermatillomania Diary has finally been released! Please join her Facebook Fan page to spread word about this skin picking disorder along with her experiences with it.
People with this disorder have traits of Body Dysmorphic Disorder and usually suffer from depression. It is an Impulse Control Disorder that is fueled by high levels of anxiety. The first few pages can be previewed at the Lulu.com site, which includes a better definition of Dermatillomania.
Even if you do not have Facebook, the prices are listed there for Canadian, American, and International buyers. If you do, please spread the word of the fan page to everyone on your friend's list, even if you have to tell them that you're spreading the word for a friend! We need to raise awareness about this silent disorder and help break the stigma on mental health in general. You never know who is suffering in isolation from having this condition.
Please e-mail forever.markedATyahoo.ca if you want to purchase from Angela directly; she offers a lower shipping price than Lulu.com does. Include the country that you live in and she can send you a quote. Thank you.
|Sunday, November 8th, 2009|
This time twenty-four hours ago I was sitting in a police station, waiting for my grandmother to show up so that I could give a statement. Last night, I was assaulted by a girl, and I should have seen it coming.
I'm female too. I met the bitch a year and a half ago, at my friend Emma's engagement party. As we both got drunker, she started touching me more and more, and telling me how gorgeous I was, and that she wasn't gay, but she was really attracted to me. Every time we were alone together, she kissed me, or tried to touch me. I wasn't quite enjoying it, but - it sounds stupid, but I didn't want to be impolite or make too big a deal. I tried to move away, and use body language to let her know that I wasn't enjoying it. I did kiss her back a little, then, but I ended up staying in another room that night. The full story's on my personal LJ, here
. That's dated wrong, because I resposted it from bad_sex when I came more to terms with what had happened.
The other night was almost the first time I'd seen her again. We'd met on another night out, a few weeks before, but I hadn't realised it was her until I saw the photos the next day, and the names they were labelled with.
So, yesterday, I thought things could be okay. As far as I was concerned, it was all a big drunken mistake, and we would be able to be 'friends' if we all just kind of ignored it, and it never happened again. She mentioned it a couple of times over the night, but she was kind of saying that there were no hard feelings. She did chide me for not leaving a note, or letting her know that I'd gone. She didn't seem to realise she was part of the problem.
For various (stupid) reasons, I agreed to stay at hers again. She'd just gotten engaged, she hadn't been trying to touch me, and I thought it would be okay, I thought she'd respect that I didn't want to do anything. If she'd been male, I wouldn't have let mself get in that position, but I guess I just don't think of females as threatening. Didn't.
I was meant to be staying on the sofa, but once we got there, there was no mention of that. She leant me pyjamas to change into, and when I came out of the bathroom, I went to find her. She was in her bedroom,and she told me to get into the bed. It was a double, and I thought we could get through the night without touching. I was sobering up by this point, and I didn't want to antagonise her.
She started trying to kiss me again. I told her to stop. She left her arm laying over me, and kept asking for explanations. She claimed she'd been in love with me for four years, that we'd known each other that long. We hadn't, we'd known each other since June of last year. She had this whole logical explanation worked out about how it must have been that long ago, because of various events in her life. She kept saying that friends of ours had told her that I liked her, that I'd been giving her signals all night. I thought I'd been giving them to the barman, tbh. She told me that the barman had said he never wanted to see me again. She said she didn't care if I was thinking about him, that it would just be a bit of fun. She said her fiance knew that she was a lesbian, and that he wouldn't mind, but she couldn't let her family know because they'd go insane. She went on about how hard her life was, which, firstly, wasn't as bad as mine, quite frankly, and secondly, seemed to contradict her story about her family going insane. It didn't sound like they'd notice, much less care. I think she was saying anything that would convince me to sleep with her. I kept telling her I didn't want to do anything, and I wasn't interested. She said that she didn't want to make me do anything I didn't want to, but then tried to convince me that I did want to. She wanted to know why I was calling our friends liars, or if it was that she was too fat, or too ugly. I ignored that,and kept repeating that I didn't want to.
She asked if I wanted to just sleep, and I agreed. She left me alone for a minute, but I could hear her breathing. It sounded angry, or aroused, or sobbing, one of them, maybe all of them. Then she started again. She just wanted an explanation of why I'd been giving her mixed signals, when she knew I was bi, she knew that I'd been with other girls (I haven't) and all our friends said I liked her. I got up and said I'd better go and sleep on the sofa. She physically grabbed me by the shoulders and told me not to be stupid. She agreed to leave me alone again, but she'd grabbed me again less than a second later. I tried to get up again, but this time she pinned me down. I was trying to kind of make a circle with my arms, so she could touch me as little as possible. She kept saying that she knew I'd like her, and it would just be a night of drunken fun. I started scratching at her and pulling her hair. It was still kind of a 'polite' struggle then, like neither of us wanted to acknowledge that we were actually fighting. Then she started talking about how she knew I was enjoying it, that I wanted to be forced, so I bit her, as hard as I could. She put her hand over my mouth, and that reminded me that I had one, so when she moved her hand, I screamed as loudly as I could. She immediately got up and ran out of the room, presumably to see if her mother had woken up, telling me to get out. I got up and grabbed my clothes. I couldn't see a lightswitch, so I asked her to please turn it on so I could grab my bag and my shoes. I asked her if I could get changed before leaving. She refused both, but turned the light on after a minute when she realised it would make more sense. I grabbed my things and walked down the stairs towards the front door. She followed me, still physically pulling at my hair and pushing me.
When I got outside, I walked to the right until I saw a street sign. I called the local police, but they didn't pick up, so I called 999. Apparently, this was at 2:30am. They sent a police car, but it took a few minutes to arrive, and while I was talking to the lady, the bitch showed up again, talking on her phone. I insisted on staying on the line to the emergency services; I didn't know what she'd do if there weren't any witnesses. I overheard bits of her conversation; she was calling me names, and telling someone that I'd attacked her. She tried to tell me to come back with her, so she could have her pyjamas back, but I refused. The policecar pulled up, and I jumped in the back immediately, to be protected. I asked them to drive a little way down the road so she couldn't see me. I was in tears the entire time.
I started telling the officer what had happened. Then the sergeant, who'd been speaking to the bitch, came back. She said that the bitch claimed I'd attacked her and that "neither of your stories ring true". I told her that I have aspergers, so my reactions aren't always what one would expect. Although the police were kind, looking back, it seems that they didn't believe me. Maybe it's because we're both female, and I'm a foot taller than she is.
I told them I wanted to file a report, even though they explained that, if I did, she'd file a counter-claim against me for attacking her. I said I didn't care. I had to file that claim, or else I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye any more. Last time, I thought if I could ignore it, it would go away. This time, maybe she'd get the hint.
I filed the report, after waiting in an interview room for about an hour and a half. I asked to wait in there, for privacy, rather than in the waiting room where they'd left me.
After the report, they let me go home with my grandmother, whom I live with. I got on msn, and voice called someone, so I wouldn't have to be alone. I slept all day with the headset on, so there'd be someone there all the time.
The police called in the afternoon. The only witness was the bitch's sister, who'd only heard her shouting at me. They were dropping the case for insufficient evidence.
An hour ago, I cut my cheek open with a razor. I want to leave a scar.
|Tuesday, October 20th, 2009|
So my boyfriend and I have
been goin good for a few weeks <3
You know how sometimes
lovers give eachother cute little
nicknames and stuff.
Well my boyfriend calls me "Mama"
but in a like I dunno how to explain it
just his tone when he says it.
Its like oooh mama haha i dunno
now it doesnt make me feel weird or anything
i've just never been called anything
even remotely close to that before
I mean how would you take that?
or am I just being obnoxious hahah :P
<333 Current Mood: contemplative
|Monday, October 5th, 2009|
is an update on my confusing situation
that I posted about a few days ago. I want to thank you all for your opinions, advice, support. It is truly appreciated and has helped me tremendously with this ordeal.
|Sunday, October 4th, 2009|
Any advice (Greatly appreciated)
We've been dating for a few weeks
he's an ex of mine
lately he's been real distant
not answer calls/texts
and keeps blowing me off with lame excuses
I really like him
and I want to know whats going on with us
But I dont wanna irritate him and make
him not want to be with me anymore because
of my calling and asking him about "US"
Should I just let a few days go by
without talking to him then maybe he'll
come to me?
Or should I just talk to him about it now
and risk him dumping me because of the questions.
I want to pretend like I dont care
because I know guys dont want a girl
thats going to be in his ass 24/7
but im not we see eachother like maybe
1-2 times out of the week
i've never been so confused with
what to do im usually independent and can make
my own decision but im at a stand still
I dont know what to do
I care about people to much and my emotions
are getting the best of me right now Current Mood: unsure =/
|Wednesday, September 30th, 2009|
I don't know
I have problems tursting people and opening up. I wrote more on my online journal then I have ever told my friends and they're supposed to know me so well...
I don't know if this is going to come out right but here it goes Current Mood: crushed
I was in Health and the teacher Mr. Smith told us that you could never really know a person unless you knew what hurts insde... if that's true then I have no true friends. Well I mean they've told me everything but I'm far too afriad to tell them anything. i don;t want to get hurt again. I just want someone who really cares to talk to. No one I talk to takes me seriously. They never really listen to what I have to say...
|Wednesday, August 19th, 2009|
torn in two
I have convinced myself to stay with my boyfriend and now the one i wanted just told me that he liked me.okay, here's the situation L and i have been off and on since we were 16 that's almost 8 years ago. I feel that we should get married which is why we're so off and on. the last time we broke up i went out with N. N was everything i wanted in a man but he's 14 years older than i so i kept my distance. L wanted to work things out but i know in heart that he'll never give me what i want in the end. Current Mood: confused
should i just keep trying with L or should i leave him for N?
|Monday, August 3rd, 2009|
I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams
A long time ago I was seeng a guy, lets call him D. We were
together about 3 months and he lived in Manchester. I broke up with him cuz I fancied some idiot at school (why was I so stupid, I loved D and he loved me), who I went out with for about a week then I met another guy, N. D and I decided to stay friends... N didn't like me having friends so put a stop to that. He wrote an email from me to D saying I wanted him out of my life for good and never wanted to talk to him again. A few months later he told me to email D and ask him to take all pictures of me off his website.
That was all in 2002. In Feb 2003 (just before N and I moved in together) I decided to text D in secret and he replied so we ended up talking on MSN for a while. I can't remember much of what was said but it was so nice to talk to him again and I apologised n' stuff. He made me this picture with some Pixies lyrics (Girlie so groovy) and we had a good chat. He sent me a Valentine's card too. A few days after that he died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage. When a friend rang me to let me know, N was with me and started laughing. I never let myself grieve as I was scared of N.
That was 6 years ago... I have thought about him over the years but never allowed myself to get upset about it. Just over a week ago I was trying to find some photos and came across this diary he had online (I've seen it before, a few years ago) well he wrote some stuff about me around the time of the emails which wasn't very nice :\ ever since then it's all come flooding back and feels like he's only just died. I've been feeling sad/angry at myself/shocked and crying loads. I know I had set things straight before he died (how weird that I decided to contact him just a few days before) but I just wish so much that I could talk to him again. I miss him.
I only have one photo of us and we weren't actually together at that point. I lost all the photos I had when moving house years ago. I have so many memories of our time together and wish I had the photos to go with them. It's doing my head in trying to remember everything and remember him more clearly. I feel so, so sad.
|Thursday, July 23rd, 2009|
Hi to everyone=)
I just added this community because I feel that I have nobody to talk to. I feel like I'm an inconvenience when I talk to people about what I feel. I guess you can say that I don't trust many people. I have close friends but I feel that we don't connect on the same level. I actually feel that way about everybody, even my boyfriend. I get the feeling sometimes I'm "out there" and people don't really understand my train of thought. What is really bothering me is myself as a person. I have obsessive thoughts that follow me everywhere. I think my confidence is lower than it should be and now it's really starting to effect me in social situations. At first, when this first started happening I thought it was a normal phase that everyone went through. But now I seem to care and notice more about me and my situation. I guess you can say I feel really lonely, even if I do have close friends. I feel that I bend over backwards for them, but when it comes to me they just feel it's okay to take advantage of me just because I'm use to it and can handle it. Or because I'm "stupid". I really feel that is the one of the worst words you can associate with someone else.
I feel socially awkward and what worries me. I never use to be like this. I never use to care about what people thought of me as much as i do now and it's causing problems in my head. I feel depressed I guess you can say. I hate using that word because I don't feel worthy using it. I feel that i have an awesome life, I am surrounded by people that love me, I have caring parents and friends. None of that seems of value when I look at myself and feel uncomfortable with the person I am. I feel that I've become boring. It's because I feel that it's harder to talk freely to people. Now I feel every thought out of my head isn't worthy to hear because it's a stupid thought, or I can't explain myself well enough for the other person to "get it". I notice more and more I yell at myself in my head saying things like "why did you just say that are you stupid?" I do say things without thinking.
I feel like the world is complete shit. Everyone knows all the shit that goes down, anyone who reads the news. History teaches it. T.V teaches it. I can't help but notice all the bad news, and not take in the good news. I feel like I have such a negative view on most people and most of the world. I don't want to. I feel that I think about it a lot to the point of driving me crazy. I guess lately I just hate my life in general. You have to grow up fast these days, get a job, make money, maybe go to college then your stuck with a job that you kind of like, but aren't too passionate about. It's hard to find passion anymore when I'm surrounded by people. I'm afraid school wise, the major I have isn't the one I want. Big deal, everyone goes through that. The only problem is, I don't feel worthy of completing any major. I'm going to sink soon because more and more I stop giving a shit about myself and what I do. I can never make decisions without someone else's input. As i'm reading over all of this I think, wow my problems do not seem as bad as it sounds. I can't explain to you the way I think and the way I feel. These examples I'm giving you don't even come close. I think about death a lot. Not killing myself, but death itself. I really don't want to kill myself, believe me. Sometimes I think that it would be awesome just to leave this world. I feel very stuck in my head and all I want to do is let go like I use to and not let stupid small problems with people and myself bother me. It makes it feel weak. The more it hurts me the more I try too hard and I feel like I can't be normal. I can't ever sit still. If i'm one place I want to be in another place. I'm never happy in the moment where I am, never. I'm always in thought, in my own world. I never know what to do with myself because if i sit alone all these thoughts flee in my head. I want to feel smart and important. I don't want to be the joke of my friends. I used to like the fact that I was a little different from people (everyone is). But now I just want to fit in. I don't want to be hated and judged. No wonder so many has so much anxiety in this generation. It expects a lot from you. It's because being succuessful has an image. An image that isn't real. Everybody always wants something. All I want is to calm down. What do I do if i'm not okay with myself. How can I be okay with myself and go back to living my life. I have so many goals. I feel like i'm never going to reach them if I don't have confidence. I feel like I'm just being set up for many disappointments.
I want to be not so focused on myself, but focused on others. I can't do that unless I feel okay with myself.
|Monday, July 13th, 2009|
I feel trapped all the time. It's like nobody is willing to stop and look and notice I'm struggling. I feel trapped, like nothing is ever changing, nothing is ever getting better. I can't do anything. I want to escape my life, go far away.
I feel like I have this responsibility, to be the strong one, to be the one that everyone can go to to have a laugh with and make themselves feel better. But then I have no one that I can turn to when I feel troubled.
I used to have a low self esteem and be extremely self conscious, a person people could step all over and be certain that they'd never protest, until I got sick of myself. Now I've become this shell, like I've buried myself deep down somewhere protected from the bad things. In result I have trouble expressing myself and trusting others and have picked up bad habits in order to deal. I shut those closest to me out as a safety precaution so I don't get hurt, which just makes me madder and lonelier. I have trouble with my anger and rage. I have trouble with being sad. My mother plays a major role in the way I am. She's always at me all the time, making me feel like a bad person. I just have to sit there and take it, because if I was to say anything then I wouldn't be allowed out of the house for a month, I have no control. People think they know what it's like. 'Yeah' they say. 'Your mum's a bitch.' But they don't understand, they're not there when she makes you feel powerless, makes you want to scream and cry or just run away. So that's why there's a wall always up. People can't see behind the wall, some don't even realize it's there. They just believe that you're this strong, emotionless statue that they can lean on, weigh down on.
So I do things like cutting, smoking, drinking, any drugs if I can get my hands on them in order to deal. Because when you're powerless everything just bottles up and you can feel all these emotions rising but you can't do anything with them. Because you refuse to cry because that you think makes you look weak, makes you the pathetic excuse for a human being that you once were. And you're the one people need to be strong, so you can't tell, can't show any form of vulnerability. And so you're left with anger. There's nothing like feeling so angry that you almost can't stand your own face and then slicing up your thigh just to feel something different.
But then you have to deal with their faces if they ever catch a glimpse at what you've done. The way they all of sudden look at you different. It's not a sympathetic look, more a look that says 'Oh I see what you are now' like the cuts define me. I don't deny I get a rush and a sense of satisfaction after I'm finished, I wouldn't keep doing it if I didn't. But it's not like I think what I'm doing is good, I know it's wrong. But there are a lot of things wrong that people aren't seeing.
I don't know what to do anymore, writing used to help, but that's all it ended up being, my written thoughts that nobody else saw except me. And looking at them just made me feel empty, because I still have the same thoughts. I don't know what my point of writing this was, I think I really just needed someone, anyone to finally hear it all, know it all. And that's it.Rae.
|Wednesday, June 17th, 2009|
hi. check the profile if u want my personal description. the important thing is that i joined LJ again, after a long sabbatical from the thing, for support. i figure if i share my thoughts, worries, etc, with others, i might be able to live a healthy life without as much trouble as i have had in the past, and am having now.
i profiled support communities, and joined yours, mainly because i HOPE that people will actually respond to my post, at the very least acknowledging them, hopefully offering support in them, preferably offering advice in them - even flaming, i can handle. i realize i'm posting to a community, and that everyone's opinions are going to be different, and some might come from people with beliefs that i myself do not believe in.
i'm getting ready to go to school for animation. my walk cycles aren't even worth looking at, but i can draw, so that's something. that cycle took 12 hours to create, and the fact that it is scrap material has left me crestfallen.
i spent 1.5yrs getting off drugs; i got arrested for marijuana, had to go clean, then started doing whippits . . . finally broke that habit. only now i'm abusing my prescription meds; not much, only a little, but still. i seem to have self destructive patterns, a need for it, that i *must* follow. there's always something that's not quite acceptable in my life. drugs, alcohol, cheating, sneaking money from the parents, self mutilation. . . i've been through it all.
but i've worked through all that, and i'm engaged, and she stuck by me through getting clean and everything. i'm scared that school won't work out. that i won't get in. that we won't be able to pay for it. that i won't do well. that i'll get kicked out. that i won't be able to find a job after & won't be able to pay for the loans i know i'll have to take out to pay for the education.
that's why i compulsively animate now, draw, animate, all the time. i've lost interest in everything else, even in WoW, which i was hooked on for years. the only other things that i can focus on are my family and my fiancee. i just want to do well again, to show that i can be good again, to succeed again.
but this little habit, sneaking a pill in here & there when i shouldn't. no one could see it. i don't know why i do it. but i do.
and i smoke, but that's a whole different story.
anyway, any helpful words about how to stop the pills, or compulsive destructive behavior in general, would be welcome. i hope to hear from someone, if any of you have the time. Current Mood: worried
|Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009|
hi i'm new here
I seem to be lacking someone to actually listen to me, well besides my sister in law, and it helps when we talk on the phone, but, anyways,
I feel like I'm trapped. I'm a 19 y old Army wife, I love my husband very much, more than my own life, and I am very thankful to have him and everything we have, how ever, I don't have a driver's license, no job, and I don't have a drivers license. And unfortunately we live a good distance away from any place that I could work at. I have no problem in walking to work, I did that before, but then my husband says there's too many weirdos on the street. And I want to go to work on post and go to school at the post college, but he says " oh some sidewalks you're not allowed to walk on".
And my driver's license. I can drive automatic, my husband has a stick shift. He's promised me that he would help me practice driving stick shift and help me get my license. But recently, my mom in law said when we go visit them in the summer, if my husband didn't take me, she would get my license. And when I told my husband that it seems like now he's waiting for that. And this weekend, he's got a 3 day weekend and he promised this time he would help me practice, because I pestered him about it. I can't help it. I need to learn and I need a job.
But I know he wont get around to it. And I feel so trapped , I don't like to bring my feelings up to him, because , right now he's home for lunch break, and I kind of told him how I felt and he said he didn't like to see me sad because it makes him feel sad and somewhat angry. And I always feel guilty making him feel bad, because he pays for everything, and he works, in the Army and probably has to deal with all sorts of shit everyday. So I try to hide my feelings and keep them bottled up inside. I sometimes talk to some of my friends and they help make me feel better temporarily, but the feeling usually comes back.
I feel so helpless and trapped, to the point of , like, I will walk to the town here, to work at the strip club. I 'm tired of being moneyless and stuff, and I think I have to depend on myself because obviously I know my husband won't take me looking for jobs or even take my driving practice. I also feel that in a way, he wants me to be soley dependant on him so he can always feel like he's got the control over every situation. But I think its just him being lazy.
And he just left to go back to work, I feel like sometimes I'm just a waste of breath and I'm always stressing him out.So I always just keep my feelings to myself, I probably will until I just feel like ending it all. It hurts so much because I really do love him. Current Mood: depressed
|Friday, March 27th, 2009|
I self-injured for the first time today, right now. I was in the bathroom, about to take my shower. I took one of my Dads razors out of the cabinet, and cut my arm. 3 across, 1 down, through them. I screwed up so bad. Its all I do recently. Screw up.
I liked it though. I liked seeing the blood flow out. I want more. I hate this. I never thought I would be able to do something like this. I dont even feel depressed most of the time. I mean yes, I do have my moments, but i usually manage to reason with myself, make myself look on the positive side and get over it. I didnt feel depressed before i did it. Im just such a freaking idiot screw up
Shit shit shit shit shit. This sucks. I hate my life write now. I hate myself right now. Im fucking terrified. I dont want to be like this. I just know
Ill do it again.
I didnt feel anything when i did it. I wasnt even thinking.
Help. I need
help. Please. I dont know what to do.
The bleeding stopped. It wasnt deep cuts, or big cuts. Buts its all red now. I did it at the top of my forearm, the thickest bit of my arm.
Help. Im scared.
|Tuesday, March 17th, 2009|
Hopefully SOMEONE can help me, because I am going absolutely mad.
My name's Heather and I'm 20 years young. I live with my boyfriend, Corey, of 3 years. We moved in together on February 15, 2008. A couple of months after moving in together, I noticed he wanted to spend MORE time with his friends than he normally had. I was okay with that until some problems started occurring. He went out with his buddies and I had the car that night because I went out with a friend as well. He said his friend Brandon would drop him off around 11pm. 11pm rolls around and he is not home. At first I thought he was running late but once 12am rolled around, I started to panic... wondering if he was okay. I kept calling and texting and around 3 am, called my Mother because I couldn't sleep. 5:30am rolls around and he texts me. He doesn't apologize for what he did. He just texts me asking "what's up?" I call him, found out where he is, and go to pick him up. He tells me his excuse was that Brandon said he wouldn't give him a ride home because he was tired... and he also said they fell asleep.
A couple months after, he decides to go back out with Brandon and some friends skateboarding. Says he'll be home at 12am. 12am rolls around and what do you know? He's not home. I call him and text him with no answer. 4:30am rolls around and he calls me and acts non-chalant AGAIN. He tells me he went to see his brother's band play and that he forgot his phone in the car. Then he proceeds to tell me his phone died.
Another couple of months after, he decides again to go back out with Brandon and some friends skateboarding. He realistically says he'll be home at 2am. Guess what? 2am rolls around and he's not home. I call and text him AGAIN with no answer AGAIN. At one point I call and it starts to go straight to voicemail. He finally calls around 3:30am to tell me his phone died and he's on his way home.
Just last Friday he goes out again with the same friends. At 10:30pm, we talk for a bit and I can tell he's a little drunk. I tell him he should sober up a bit before coming home for 2am. It's getting close to 2am so I call just to check that he's left with no answer. I text him with no answer. I happened to have a friend over and decide we are going to drive to where he is to pick him and my car up. We get there and he's lying in the bathroom, drunk and HIGH after he and I had a long talk about drugs and promised each other... no drugs what-so-ever. We had that talk at the beginning of our relationship.
What do I do? Am I overreacting? Should I end this relationship? Could he be cheating? Could he really just be forgetful?
Please help me.
|Friday, February 20th, 2009|
Questions for those who know Adult Business via I-Net
I have a few questions for more established Webmasters, Cam Girls and even you consumers of porn out there in the bunch, but honestly if you feel you have anything to offer on the following questions, please feel free to contribute!
1. I have noticed although my daily/weekly signups are getting quite a bit better, It seems as if I get just as many cancellations. Now I think I offer quite a bit of not only content for the consumers buck, but also a HUGE way to see inside of my life and interact with me. Honestly they get some type of update daily.
Members have no only access to photo and video updates weekly but also 12-13 24/7 spy cams and also a daily hour long nudy chat with me. Not to mention they get access to all of my screen names on my various messengers and %50 off of all privates and customs they may be interested in getting from me.
What is it that I am doing wrong here? Is this normal for people to join up at the recurring rate and then cancel within a month or two? I have a small group of fan/followers that always stick around but the majority seems to be curious passers by.
2. I am developing my new affiliate program now that I have branched out on my own and away from my former dead beat webmaster and I am having it designed now by Anna from gimme-website.com
(BTW she is a dream and is great to work with. I highly recommend her!)
The url for the basic join up right now is located here:http://www.undressjess.com/webmasters.html
(If you were signed up before your code/links are no longer valid so please sign up again.)
This is the first real affiliate program I will have since I started off with my site several years ago and if you are wanting to join up now just email me for the content you need to promote me with until I can get it up.
I think this will help a lot with new joins but what do you think? Do you think this is a huge help for you and your sites that you run?
3. Also for the new affiliate program I need to think of a name and url to buy to have it at. I may expand my services this year to having a few other types of sites so having Jess in the url/title may or may not be the best Idea. What are your thoughts? Title suggestions?
4. Most of you webmaster folks out there run a plethora of girls sites and do your marketing for them through your built up affiliate programs, forums and other projects. My question is how do you advise your models to do their own marketing? Do you have them get profiles on various social networking sites or post in forums? If so which sites/forums? And please if you have any other advice that you usually give to models feel free to share!
5. What are some of the top webmaster forums that you participate on? I would like to gain as much knowledge as I can this year in running my own business and any links, suggestions or advice you can offer would be hella great, Like enough to celebrate.
6. What are your opinions on top lists? Waste of time or not?
7. What are your opinions on webcam image portals?
9. A lot of former affiliates of mine that I had before the billing account switch expressed a desire for a leak free tour. Well I am setting that up now but I have noticed some sites don’t seem to be worried about this at all. What circumstances is it considered alright to have other links to other sites (paid like another site I model on or non-paid sites like a myspace profile)?
10. I have seen that some sites choose to invest in other feeds for their members. What are the pros and cons of this in your opinion?
11. What do you think of copyrighting a name and or becoming incorporated in your business? How would I go about that? How worth it is this venture?
12. Is there a book or website that you could point me to, to learn SEO myself?
13. Lastly what do you think of a model that models for various sites either solo or multi girl, but the sites cater to different porn genres?
Thanks for your help and if there isn’t something I mentioned but you feel needs to be addressed, please do so!
|Friday, November 21st, 2008|
Help get pole dancing into the 2012 Olympics!!
Why should you sign this petition? Pole dancing is totally worthy to be placed as an Olympic sport. Pole dancing in its true form is not slutty, in fact its very athletic, incorporating gymnastics, tremendous amounts of strength, flexibility and agility. Both men and women can do it.
After a great deal of feed back from the Pole Dance community many of us have decided that its about time pole fitness is recognised as a competitive sport and what better way for recognition, then to be part of the 2012 Olympics held in London!
Like the horizontal bar, the vertical bar should have a place in international competitive sport. We believe that like Rhythmic Gymnastic, the Horizontal Bar and Figure Skating, Pole Dance/Vertical Dance is acrobatic, gymnastic, technical and takes a great deal of physical skill and strength to master, earning it a place in the greatest sporting event in the world. Over 50 countries world wide take part in lessons, workshops, conventions, expose, competitions and teacher training. This is an international sport that both men, women and those that are on a low income can take part in, unlike sports such as horse riding, sailing and snow based sports.
This is by no means a fad or a trend, Pole is here to stay.
Please come together to sign our petition to lobby the International Olympic committee to having pole dance as test sport for the 2012 Olympics in London. They have just introduced BMX biking as an official sport so why not Vertical Dance???????