My Relationship A to Z
I'm incrediably sorry for the very, very long post, but this is my first post and I needed to get caught up. Anyone that is crazy enough to read all this, I more than welcome their comments and input on this. Thanks in advance.
My back story:
I married a girl when I was 17 years old, we had already had a son and a daughter on the way by the time we got married. I dropped out of school and had a full time job, working 50-60 hours a week since I was 16 years old to help support my son. Then I joined the military. Over the course of the 7 years before I went to Korea (Deployed to Iraq twice during that time), she cheated on me and all kinds of other stuff. We decided to get a divorce and I got orders to go to Korea.
Her back story:
She married young as I did and divorced, then married a looser that wouldn’t get a job and forced her into the army, at that point she decided to get a divorce. While she was in training she met a “nice guy” and they hit it off and when they left training, they both went separate ways and broke up.
Our Back Story:
I met her while I was in Korea; we are both in the military. Both of us were married pending a divorce once we got back stateside. We spent several months together, really felt like we belonged together. We were never in the same place for more than a weekend, but we clicked so well and had such a good time together, I didn’t believe it before then, but it truly was love at first sight. She left Korea first, and was sent to Colorado. I tried like hell to get sent to Colorado to be with her but to no avail. I settled for the closest base which is in Oklahoma, about an 8 hour drive away.
((I don’t have a good spot for this, so I’ll put it here) Before July, she was in a car accident, rear ended, she had her head turned when they were hit and it really messed up her back. Lots and lots of therapy. Military doctors saying there is nothing wrong with her and civilian doctors saying she is messed up pretty good. This added a lot of stress.
Around the same timeframe, her unit deployed and she was left behind because of her injury, she got lots of crap over it daily and had to pull 24 duty every 3-4 days. A lot more stress buildup. And to top it off, they are kicking her out of the military within the next 6 months….even more stress) (This is important for later topics)
From January I started visiting her, driving to see her and staying a few days at a time. Everything seemed great, but the “nice guy” was still around in emails. She never got over him and he came back to haunt me. Very long story short…we were planning to get married in January 1st the following year, I was going to see her in late December, well, Mr. “nice guy” got orders to Colorado and wooed his way back in, broke us up just a week before I went to see her to get married.
Well, I still flew back to Cali to spend Christmas with my kids. I stayed at my moms and the kids stayed with me almost the entire time. I was taking the break up pretty hard but still tried to put a smile on my face for the kids and have a good time with them, that was incredibly difficult, but I think I did a pretty damn good job given the circumstances.
Since I wasn’t going to see the love of my life anymore, I decided to spend the rest of Christmas break there with my kids, hung out a little with an old friend from back home and drove back to good ole Oklahoma. On the way home I talked to her, I told her that I will give her the space she needs, I just want to be with her if the “nice guy” didn’t work out.
The entire vacation we were still texting and talking here and there, I was trying desperately not to give up, but my emotions started to rollercoaster on me, up and down, one day I was ok, the next I wanted to scream and the next I wanted to cry.
We stopped talking for a few days, which was my idea, I wanted to make her realize that she still needed me, which she broke my heart and she just can’t pretend like everything is ok.
She started texting me again at work, talking about how she was not quite getting along all that great with the “nice guy”, oh by the way, did I mention that he PROPOSED to her and she accepted….LESS THAN 2 WEEKS AFTER WE BROKE UP! So, she breaks up with me and the guy moves into her house, proposes and is living my life in less than 2 weeks.
Anyways, so he isn’t exactly this “nice guy” image that she painted. He was telling her mean things like she needed to loose weight, be better in bed and more stuff along those lines. She damn near cried to me that she wasn’t even comfortable making love anymore. Not that I really wanted to know, but we have always been able to talk open and honestly.
Anyways, he leaves for a month for training out of state and she starts texting and talking to me more. She told me he was being very aggressive before he left, especially toward her oldest son. She started digging around (He left his car there, with the keys), looking through stuff, his car, computer and found ALL KINDS of bad stuff. Letters and emails from very recent lovers of his…Oh, did I mention that he told her he couldn’t wait to get to Colorado to see her, but he took 30 days before he got there to drive from Georgia to PA and she found evidence that he had been with at least 3-4 women during that trip, stopping by old “playgrounds” along the way. She found out that in the week he had been living there, that he had already signed up for single sites (on HER computer no less) looking for women in that Colorado area. He cheated on his first wife, that caused their divorce, I’m not sure of the reason of the second divorce. But he seems like the stereotypical cheater to me. She got a notebook from his car with his email, MySpace, etc, passwords and she and I went through them together and she seemed utterly appalled. And this whole time he is at this training, he doesn’t call, he sends a text or two a day, saying he has no cell reception, but her friend’s husband is in the same place and calls his wife all the time from there, on the same phone provider.
So she said she had enough and made preparations while he was gone to get rid of him, packed all his stuff and put most of it in the car. At this point, she is devastated and asking for me to forgive her…and I do, I just want to be with the woman of my dreams. I told her that she had never really gotten over him and that if this didn’t happen, she would always wonder what if. I asked if I could see her, she was very hesitant at first; she didn’t want to see me again before she officially broke it off with this guy, but eventually we decided that it was ok. I knew it wasn’t totally right, but I knew what I wanted and I made myself believe that it was ok; after all, I need her too.
So I go visit for 3 days, stayed in a hotel the first night (with her) and went back to her house for the following nights. When I first got there, she was so over excited that we slipped right back into wedding planning mode, went to a wedding store, bought a cheap, but pretty dress. We basically planned half a wedding in a few days. I was so happy that this was working out that I didn’t bother to slow down for a second; after all, this is what I wanted. We even went and got pictures taken, for wedding announcements before I left.
So, we are back to lovey dovey and I still fear the near future. I tell her that I am worried, for one, that he will lay his sob story of excuses down and she will falter to him, that she will get physically hurt during the break up and so on. She assured me that everything would be ok, she said all his stuff is packed and she is not even going to talk to him, just leave him a note with his car keys.
He gets back from his training; I wait all morning anxious as hell to hear from her. Around lunch she calls and said she took him to breakfast and discussed everything with him and that she was done. I was so relieved. A week later…
We are set to be married in 2 weeks. There are plane tickets for my Mom, Grandmother, Brother, one of my cousins and my two oldest children to come to the wedding. We have a reception hall reserved, the church booked, a photographer,
I am planning to leave in 3 days to go be with her, to help her set up for this wedding, finish making the arrangements. She starts talking like she is mentally confused and she isn’t in her right mind, I knew, that HE had something to do with this. (And while I don’t have any factual evidence, I still feel this way). I tried to reassure her, that everything is going to be ok, that I will always love and take care of her no matter what.
The days started ticking away, she was talking more and more of confusion and this and that. I was just trying to sidestep it all just until I could hold her in my arms, I knew I could fix it if I seen her. And here we go…
1 day before I leave to go see her. She drops the bomb, I don’t want to get married, I don’t want you to come here, I don’t want to be with you, I’m still in love with HIM. (At this point, I am like WHAT THE %^&*!!!!!!!! I didn’t say that, but I felt it. I am WAY BETTER than this guy will ever be, I never have and never will cheat on a woman ever, I don’t get violent angry, I don’t tell her things to make her feel like %^&*.) She tells me she is confused and needs time to figure herself out.
So, I made a mistake, I told her she has until before I go to bed to answer a question. I gave her an ultimatum, either I go down there and marry her, or I will never talk to her again. I waited all day, didn’t talk to her, finally that night I sent the text, “I need an answer, I’m going to bed.” She said , “Don’t come.” So I sent back, “Good-bye my love.”
That night I get really really drunk, I text her that I was drunk and I took HIS passwords and changed them all, email, MySpace, Facebook. She called, we talked for 3 hours, both of us balling our eyes out for over an hour of it.
I talked to my mom, she said don’t give up, go see her anyways. So I jumped in my car the next day and started driving, I text her I was coming to see her. About two hours into the trip she texts back, don’t come. I stopped the car and text her, “I am still coming, if you don’t want me to, you tell me right now that you don’t love me…and she did. So I turn around and drive home.
So I find out that HE moved back in and was sleeping with her again, I actually didn’t know this for fact at this point but I knew.
I couldn’t stick to my word, she kept texting and calling, I would give in and text back and within a few days we were talking again
I was an emotional rollercoaster again, I was having suicidal thoughts, though I would never do it that would be completely selfish of me, my children need me in this world, but I still had them.
So my cousin still wanted to use his non refundable plane ticket to go to Colorado to snowboard and asked me to go, after little effort declining, I decided to go. So we go. I got there about 2 hours before his flight landed and went to the hotel to get a room, they were out, so since I was right there, I drove past her house and his car was there (yes I know, very stalker of me.) So I got mad and just left, and waited at the airport. (Mind you, this is our wedding weekend I am there, 10 days after breakup number 2).
So we go snowboarding and have a good time for 2 days (it was my first time). On our way back I’m talking to her, she is on 24 hour duty and wants to see me, so I tell her we will bring lunch. I introduce her to my cousin, we chat, and she is overly excited and beaming from ear to ear to see me, we were holding hands and just peering into each others eyes, we talked for about an hour before we left (had to take cousin back to the airport). I asked my cousin what he got out of that, what that looked like to him. He told me that she was still in love with me, and I got the same feeling.
No more than 10 minutes after we left, she texts me, “why didn’t you kiss me”. At this point I’m so damn confused, I told her I didn’t want to do anything to scare her or push her away, that I was scared. So I drop cousin off and go back to the hotel, we decided to have dinner together so I went to see her again, we spent a few hours talking and just looking at each other, I kissed her a few times and left to get sleep before my 9 hour drive home the next morning.
I asked her flat out when I got home if she was with HIM again. She said he is living there and they are sleeping together, but they are not together. (In my mind, that is about as together as it gets). So that upsets me and I seek a mental counselor, just to have someone to spill all this too and get some feedback.
I tell the counselor the whole story and she basically tells me that.
A. She seems to like the “bad boys”.
B. She is scared to commit again after 2 failed marriages.
C. She doesn’t feel threatened by HIM right now because they are not “together”.
She called me right afterwards and I told her I wanted to talk to her about it and what she said, since we still tell each other everything. This was on Thursday. So Friday I get a call, text back and forth a few times, but Sat and Sun….nothing. I text a few times, asked her if we could talk today. And I get nothing all weekend. (same thing as the previous weekend, AKA, she is with HIM all weekend). So Monday rolls around, and I say screw it, ill give her the advice and just cut my losses, this is the email I sent.
<<<Ill post the email I sent her here>>>
Since you can’t find the time to talk to me, Ill just email you what we talked about. This is for you, you can do with it what you want, or ignore it all, its up to you.
The majority of our conversation was about you and me. I told her most everything already, she gave me answers I liked and didn’t like.
She told me that it sounds like you have a commitment issue related to your past mistakes and that you like what you have right now, its comfortable to be with (HIM) there because there is not a commitment.
She also said it sounds like you have the bad guy syndrome, you don’t want the good guy for you, you want the one you can toss out if things are not going your way. The bad guy will always give you an opportunity to escape when you want to and not feel as bad about it.
When we talked about how you were confused about your decision about us, she said it sounded like you already made it, you don’t want the commitment right now, you want someone to lean on and take care of you a little and it really doesn’t matter who that person is.
She told me that it is in my best interest to tell you that this is eating at me and causing me too much emotional distress and I should leave you for good and that she is shocked that I still want to be with you after all you put me through emotionally.
We talked about more, but I honestly don’t remember some of it. All I know is that everyone is telling me that you are stringing me along, and I wouldn’t believe it except as of lately. You only talk to me when it’s convenient to you. You haven’t stopped hurting me or basically treating me like shit since we broke up. That’s why I stopped talking to you. You don’t deserve my friendship right now; you don’t deserve a lot of things right now. You have been running away from responsibility at every turn for the last few months. You are self destructing and I was right there with you, killing myself trying to do whatever I could to help, but you have abused my friendship. So I’m not going to be the nice guy anymore, I’m going to walk away like I should have months ago.
Lastly, I want the ring back, it’s another thing you don’t deserve, and you can mail it to me when you get a chance at
It seems like you finally got what you wanted, I’m walking away, if that’s not what you wanted, you sure as hell fooled me. So, I’m sorry your life sucks, everyone’s life sucks, including mine. I don’t want to talk to you, but if you absolutely need someone to talk to, you know how to contact me, but don’t you dare try to take advantage of me again.
So that was it for me, I thought I gave up and just wanted to sulk. I just told the woman I love with all my heart and soul that I don’t want to even talk to her anymore. My feelings this whole time have never changed, my heart keeps getting broken, but I still love her just the same. Another few days go by and I break down and start answering her texts again.
I told her I didn’t want to be friends. That she was so much more to me and I won’t settle for less. She kept pushing and pushing to stay friends. So we spent a day texting and finally a phone call, (It’s wonderful to hear her voice), I didn’t want to call, it scared me, and just like I thought, I call, we chat. She talks about how she and HE are not getting along among other things. She keeps saying the “Honey, Baby and Kisses throughout the conversation. I get hit with an emotional tidal wave. I contain myself by staying quiet and letting her talk, we talk about how the kids are (hers and mine) and a little about what’s going on at work and such. She asked me to text if I wanted to chat before we hung up. I stayed up for hours thinking about what to say, what to do, and I finally decided to send one more email.
<<<Ill post the email I sent her here>>>
Yesterday was nice getting to talk to you again, to hear your voice; I’ve always been so comfortable talking to you. But I’m not going to let you do this; you can’t have your cake and eat it too. We both know that you and (HIM) aren’t going anywhere, he’s just a fling. He has given you enough reasons to kick him out but you like his company. But I am not going to sit on the sidelines for this. I know your not going to get rid of him for awhile, probably not until you are getting ready to leave the army or Colorado, so when you fix your shit, then you can call and see if we will work, otherwise, just leave me be. I might still be interested at that point, and I may not.
I want this to be very clear, what you are doing with him and talking to me like you do is not OK with me. You are either with one man completely or another, it completely goes against everything I believe in and I won’t tolerate being in the middle anymore. And If we do get back together, I would consider it extremely disrespectful If you talked or chatted with another man with the “Honey, Baby, Kisses” things.
In any case, I stand by my word, we are either together or we are nothing, and that’s it. I love you and we belong together and I know you know that too, I just don’t know what other bullshit is running through your head that’s preventing that from happening. Do not honey, baby or kisses me until you mean it. Seriously, don’t call, don’t text until you get your shit together. I won’t be responding anymore unless it’s urgent. If you want your happily ever after with your soul mate, you know what you have to do.
And here we are, that was today. I had to be firm to get my point across, she wasn’t taking the hint that I didn’t want to be her friend like this. She text me this morning before she read the email, “Good morning handsome”. I replied, “good morning beautiful (as always), Send me the ring today please, and I sent you and email. She replied back shortly after. “You got through loud and clear.” And that’s the last I have heard so far.
So my basic thoughts in conclusion.
I still love her to death and I don’t want to loose her but I am so without a plan right now. I just want her to realize that she still needs me and wants me…even if it don’t work, at least we will both have an answer. What the hell do I do now?