Log in

No account? Create an account
heal_understand_grow_support [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

[Please feel free to mail or suggest LINKS to helpful web pages| ]

Lost and Found [Apr. 16th, 2005|02:42 pm]

The Self and I

Like a book that is written from one's own
deeper, unknown,
unconsciously working
I awaken to find more permanence
more sense of this self that
I call I.
And, like one awakening
from a different world,
of thwarted desire and love withdrawn,
I am surprised and reassured
to find that this I ,that
other's know by different names,
is a state of knowing
I had once lost, or laid aside,
to search in the darkness
of a child's fear and loss
for the soul that he
that I - had lost.
link1 comment|post comment

I'm sure I've got the details and facts wrong........(Cross Posted) [Apr. 10th, 2005|02:05 am]
I took cultural anthropology in my second year in college, and while I like it a lot, it (among most of my other classes at that point) was one that I couldn't get myself to do any reading for, except right before the tests;I never talked in sections and usually failed the quizzes we took. Somehow, I ended up with the highest test score every time, which was a complete mystery to both me and my TA.

The story that sticks out most in my mind, is one of this culture/tribe in Asia; the basic elements are all my mind has retained at this point, though I am sure at some point I'll try and find the deatils again.

In this tribe, sometimes people would get "sick". The type of sickness was never described, but what the people decided was that someone's soul had gone away from the body. Perhaps it went to a limbo or afterlife type place, I can't remember. But what the tribe would do, was build a bridge from straw, to symbolize gold, linking the area the person was in with that of everyone else. They would stand at one end and give gifts and food and say "Come back" or something, to coax the sould coming back to the person.

When the soul did return, there was a big celebration.

I remember thinking then, that maybe that was the way they dealt with depression and other mental disorders. I mean, these illnesses have obviously been around for hundreds of years, but really, they are modern illnesses, and seem to be ones that we understand, but not very well. And our way of dealing with depression may be more or may be less effective than say this tribe.

Because when you are depressed, it really does feel like your soul is gone. And it would be nice, if you could just coax it back with food or gold bridges.

And because when you are depressed, having a social network, another source of strength and support is SO important. I think it's probably imperative.......like it or not, we are social creatures, and depend upon each other for meaning, life, well-being. I think there are very few people who could remain alone and be healthy, psychologically or physically.

I got thinking about this,in part because I didn't feel like doing anything tonight, even though a group of us had planned a potluck. And I really like these people. And I was feeling flat and agitated and upset and empty and all these things that I didn't know what to do with........and so even though I'd just been cutting, just been sitting there thinking, "the sharper the blade, the less you really feel it going in" while the words "Bleed just to know you're alive" ran through my head........I made myself pretend I was fine and happy and went with Mai and Albert.

I had a good time. I'm tired. I drank too much probably, but spaced it out. I'm still trying to get rid of the emptiness that's sitting there. And all those negative thoughts and feelings that are there, that I feel will always be there no matter what I do or try........but it all would have been that much worse, had I not made myself go
link1 comment|post comment

Waiting For Deliverance [Apr. 7th, 2005|09:14 am]
Depression is my enemy
It is a kid of four that has not grown up
excepting in fear, hatred, and enmity.

When it snuggles up to me
I think it is can be redeemed
but soon it has me swallowing
pills by the handful and
threatening those I love dearly
with a knife, if they should try
to intervene.

And the kid?

He is dancing and whoohooing
and is growing into an adult
an adult who will kill himself
one day, after he has killed me.

I don't pray. I am a pragmatist, empirical.
I wait. I call out the crisis team
who are attending a crisis somewhere
A woman explains, promising me

'someone will be in touch'

So, here I am, pressing down the keys
and waiting for deliverance.

written on 5th April 05
linkpost comment

Hello [Apr. 7th, 2005|04:50 am]
How are you all? I've just (re-joined) you all. It feels odd and all I can say is that I had very good (I think) personal and community reasons for leaving and I have to ask that you trust me without any explanation. I cannot thank cynicalinsanity enough for so quietly helping to keep this community afloat and I hope it keeps on being a haven.

I've had a small slip and a much bigger one, that gave me pause to think. Perhaps I will share some of those thoughts in a while. Preparing to return to a structured life is proving difficult. I have a lot of projects of my own and have become rather solitary over the years BUT I need to live some of the time in the world that contains my smaller world. I need to be OUT THERE. So, a time of ups downs and writng and trying to remember that the world does not revolve around me - maybe it should but -

Love To You All
Without Reserve.


link7 comments|post comment

Dear Dad [Apr. 5th, 2005|12:20 am]
A Letter, 2003Collapse )
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Apr. 1st, 2005|10:20 pm]

hey fellow huggers,

below is an email i sent to our ucf community. if you're in orlando please join us if you can! i'm finding out that NAMI is a great group!


hey guys,

Tennis Club is doing a walkathon for the National Alliance for Mental Illness. We're having a really hard time raising money and getting people to join our team, so I figured trying livejournal wouldn't hurt. NAMI is an organization that fights stigma against mental illness, and also provides support groups for people suffering from a mental illness as well as one for their friends and family members. The NAMI Orlando affiliate is pretty active with their support groups. We've committed to raise $500 by May 14th and right now we're at $57. I think that most people have had a friend or family member who has battled with a mental illness (which ranges from clinical/major depression to add/adhd to schizophrenia and many other disorders) and by walking or donating you're helping support an organization that could benefit them. I would love for walkers more so than donors, because it would be great to show the community that UCF is out there getting involved. But even if its just a dollar (literally...our first donation was only two dollars), every little bit helps. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions feel free to email me. Below are the links to our pages.

Thanks again,


If you want to sign up to walk with us, go to: www.nami.org/namiwalks05/MCO/ucftennisclub

If you want to donate, go to: www.nami.org/namiwalks05/MCO/linzy383
link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2005|11:34 pm]

Greetings! I'm new here. I wanted to share some beneficial links, but I wasn't sure who to email so I thought I'd go ahead and post them. I hope that's okay. If not, please let me know and I can delete this entry. Also, please feel free to copy the information and share it with others:

provides confidential support through email
Their email is: jo@samaritans.org

more on the email service

suicide and crisis support around the world
linkpost comment

Bye. [Mar. 24th, 2005|07:36 pm]
[mood |okayokay]

I am leaving this community, too. I'm going to still come here, and I hope I can see people recovering here.
Good luck for you all, I hope the best for you all, deep in my heart I hope we all get better.
link5 comments|post comment

please tell me you'll help me [Mar. 21st, 2005|01:35 am]

I don't know if this can trigger so it's going behind lj cut incase. o.O

help me be happy and stop being such a putzCollapse )
link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2005|04:49 pm]
sometimes i worry that i will convince myself that i am slipping into a depression, just because i know that i have and that i am now two weeks off medication. i worry that i look for signs, give myself symptoms just by thinking about them, and not because i actually have them.

part of me actually wants to (get depressed). because if i feel like i don't, that means nothing was wrong with me in the first place. and because i am not sure i like the me that isn't depressed.....she seems to have more energy and more randomness than most people can handle.

(i recognize the fact that perhaps i have learned to manage it effectively, or that the year on meds was enough to correct the imbalance and allow me to "self regulate" one my own, without help)
link2 comments|post comment

Words on Being [Mar. 15th, 2005|02:38 pm]

Seven Thoughts for Today

As long as you're going to think anyway, think BIG.

~ ~ ~

Being compassionate means empathizing with someone,
not necessarily understanding them.

~ ~ ~

Make requests, rather than demands.

~ ~ ~

Make visible what, without you,
might perhaps never have been seen.

~ ~ ~

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.

~ ~ ~

Rule of Survival: Pack your own parachute.

~ ~ ~

To feel motivated - M O V E
link3 comments|post comment

Fear and Truth [Mar. 13th, 2005|01:58 am]
[mood |Terrified]

Today was a horrible day. And it was a good day.
It was a day of contradiction.
And a day of emotions.
Fear. Anger. Frustration. Desperation. Desire.

Without a doubt my mother has more power in my life
than any one person ever should.
Somehow, I gave it to her.
Somehow, I have to get it back.

Logic tells me to step out of it
find an objective stance.
View this dilemma from the outside.

Listen to your gut.
It is always right.
I learned that.
I've lived true to it for several years now.
Because I learned finally
finally, that I could truly trust it.

My gut says what it said
the day I walked in the door here.
It will never work.
Certain truths of nature are just that.
Oil. Water. Not the mix, do they.
Neither does me and mom.
Never has, never will.
That is the lesson of this time here with her
Keep on trusting.
You have to do it again.

The hard part is that it means I have to leave.
And, I have no where to go.
Very little money.
And a lot of

...The thing about lessons is that
I used to think the next one was going to be
too hard for me,
beyond my strength
totally beyond me.
And then it came
and it wasn't.
Oh, it was hard
that is for sure.
It was beyond what I imagined.
It was beyond what I decided was humanly possible
and it was certainly beyond what I decided was fair.
But it was not beyond me.
Because it came, it went,
it sucked - mostly.
I grew. ...I did?
Maybe I did. Heck, I don't know!

But now there is another big one.
And I'm not ready for it.
Just like the last time.
But I think it's going to come,
it's going to stay as long as it is supposed to,
it's going to be beyond what I decide is humanly possible
and then it's going to go.
I will still be here.

There is a lot to be said for that.
link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [Mar. 12th, 2005|10:56 am]

[mood |determined]
[music |I Just Want You - Ozzy]

This will be a change for the better...

Read more...Collapse )
link4 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Mar. 11th, 2005|12:19 am]
i just finished my first crisis counseling shift, where i did my own counseling with two separate callers.

and walking home i was like,

Wow. Look. At. Me.

I'm going to be spending 15 or more hours a month, counseling people that i don't even know, helping them get through the night or the afternoon or the morning. whenever it is they happen to need it. last year, i thought i would die with sadness more than once. and five years ago, i thought i was too fucked up in the head to ever help anyone.

walking home, i head this song by Guster, that I remembered hearing for the first time at their concert.

To tell you the truth, I've said it before
Tomorrow I start in a new direction
One last time these words from me
I'm never saying them again
and I shut the light
and listen as my watch unwinds
To tell you the truth, I've said it before
Tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half-asleep
I'm never doing that again
I look straight at what's coming ahead
and soon its going to change in a new direction

For years and years and years I either thought I was doomed to be depressed forever, I thought there wasn't anything I could do; or I thought I'll get help when I'm REALLY bad, not realizing that REALLY bad for me wasn't a depression so deep I couldn't move or function, rather it was a way of living underwater or like I was asleep or frozen, still able to function and feign Life. And the first time I heard this song, I thought to myself, I'll never be able to feel like that or think that, because I will never be able to go through life other than the way I am now....

It's amazing to me, who I am, where I am now, and the places I can go that I didn't think I could.
link6 comments|post comment

Love Heals [Mar. 6th, 2005|12:49 am]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

How will MY healing come? ....
Who knows. I'll find out as it comes.

What do I hope for here, anywhere or from any one?...
What I imagine most do. Peace.

Professional help? Meds?.....
Yup. Tons of both.

If only it were as simple as
someone or something fixing it.

There is no person, drug, situation or thing
that can "fix" people.

I truly believe that the depths of despair
can only be healed through love.

I'm learning.
linkpost comment

hey all [Mar. 5th, 2005|07:26 pm]

so i saw this group and i thought that it was perfect. i'm part of the depression group, but i wanted to hear about people getting better, because thats what i'm doing.

i'm a 21/f who has major clinical depression and add. what a combination. first i was on paxil which made my add go crazy (didn't know i even had it until then), now i'm on cymbalta and its working pretty well for the most part. i think that when i started going to the psych and a therapist i immediately expected to get better, and it hasn't really happened that way. i still have my set backs and the days that i have to force myself to go to class. my fam has a history of both diseases so i think thats why i got it, i've been depressed off and on since i was about 13, it just took me this long to figure out what to do. it gets triggered when i'm afraid of losing people, so i try and keep the relationships i have pretty stable, especially the one with my boyfriend. luckily he's really supportive. i know what you mean about being ashamed of the depression, sometimes i feel exactly the same way. like its this big secret that people shouldn't know about, because so called "normal" people can just pick themselves up and keep going. those are the people who have some sort of other complex i think, cuz there really is no normal. i just think that people don't realize how debilitating it actually is, that you can't get up and go to your class or to work or whatever you have to do on some days. but i'm getting better, and some days are worse than others, but its probably that way with all of us. so thats me, i'm glad that i was able to join the community.
link3 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Mar. 5th, 2005|03:48 pm]

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in
the dog

- Archie Griffin
link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Mar. 3rd, 2005|11:46 am]

I often feel ashamed of my depression, especially when I am not actively depressed... It seems to me that it reveals some core weakness, some inability to obtain 'normalcy', that marks me as being faulty...

In my rational moments, I know that this is not true. Still, I wonder what propels me to the darkened rooms I inhabit during those times... I've been battling depression since I was an adolescent... 11 years old and on anti-depressants... and still I feel as though I should be able to manage it myself...

It's amazing how rational human beings become so completely irrational when in the throws of depression... tempers flare over the slightest provocation, yelling and screaming only feels like it accomplishes something...

As I sit here, I'm doing well... depression is not an active concern in my life... days are nearly normal... life is nearly pleasant... the cyclic thoughts have stopped their progress for the moment, and life is almost what I could call 'good'...

And that scares me more than all the bad days put together...
link1 comment|post comment

Hi, How Are You? Fine, and You? Oh, Fine.... [Mar. 2nd, 2005|10:44 pm]
[mood |excitedexcited]
[music |Sarah Mc again....geez I luv her]

People are scared of reality.
People are scared of death, dying, being sick.
People want you to be "fine."

Nobody is "fine."
Fine is bullshit.
Fine is a pipe dream.

We have good things happen in life sometimes.
We have shit happen in life sometimes.
We have mostly just ordinary, boring dailies happen, mostly.
Sometimes something really AWESOME happens.
Not too often.
Sometimes something really HORRIBLE happens.
Usually not too often either.

We basically cannot control all that much of what happens.
But we want to.
We want to be happy.
We want the people we care about to be happy.
Mostly we don't know, not really, how to create that.
Even when we are much older.
Yeah, we learn stuff as we go through life.
Sometimes we get "lucky" about a few things.
Sometimes we get fucked.

None of it makes too much sense.
Some people don't want you to know how scared they are,
how vulnerable they feel.
They want to be ok. Accepted. Valued. Loved.
Important, maybe.
Not lonely.
Lots of the time they are so scared about how to survive
and be happy that they have learned how to hide their own feelings
even from themselves.
Most of us are hiding, most of the time.
It's very normal.
To be scared.

Every bit of this is my own opinion.
What do I know?
Only what my reality is and has taught me.
Up to this point.
Your reality is different.
And equally valid.
Equally real.
We may share some of the same opinions.
Or not any.

Whatever you feel or believe
It is yours.
And it is valid.
It is true.
It is you.
And no matter what anybody says.
You are just as worthy
just as needed
just as human
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Feb. 28th, 2005|10:41 am]
First Step

Beginnings are sometimes foggy.
The path is not always clear.
The end of one begets another.

To begin, put one foot in front of the other.
Your foot knows where to land.
The one that moves forward first.
Forget about the best foot.

Just put it out there.
Stop traffic if you have to.
Go home if that is where it leads you.
Go back to work if that is where your foot falls.

You don't have to go anywhere.
Just rest.
After you step.
Take another.
Forget about the weather.
Step again.

Robin Heerens Lysne
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Feb. 28th, 2005|01:58 am]
[mood |scaredscared]

Hello to everyone. Just joined this community...guess I should do an intro. Ok, sigh, this is hard because it's hard for me to keep it short. lol.

When I was a child nobody seemed to know much about depression and mental illness. Or, was that the denial my parents were in? I was a very sad and lonely child. I'm much, much older now and it's been my lifelong companion. Been on and off so many different meds, can't remember them all now. My diagnosis is clinical depression and BPD (borderline personality disorder). The BPD sounds terrible, the diagnosis is even borderline, as many in the mental health field have not rendered such a diagnosis. It really matters not because much of my depression is situationally caused. But not entirely.

In the past 4 years there have been more losses than I can count on both hands and toes. All but a couple fall into the high stress category on that test you can take. I lost my son, brother, 2 year old granddaughter, partner, father, 2 close friends, 4 very dear to me cats, 2 homes, 2 jobs, and my sanity. Yuk, I have never written it out in that fashion before. There's beens some other stuff too, but it's complicated to explain. The loss of my son brought on a barrage of other losses, including being estranged from my granddaughter and all of my in-laws. I've been in the hospital only once during this time, believe it or not. I have, however, been in an extensive outpatient program several times, which is basically a way for HMOs to avoid the costs of hospitalization, in many cases.

Grief...Loss...Mental illness...major family dysfunction..Unhealed childhood abuse...Alcohol...Eating Disorders...Poverty...All these deaths...hopelessness...is all twisted up in a big mess. In this time I've only worked a few months. I'm living with my mother now and it is hell. Ended up here to save money and to help her with my dad who was dying. He died. I watched that. It was so bizarre to see how my mother was about him.

There is so much pain in my soul I should be on morphine. Somehow I get up every day, it's what I do. Part of me is like the battery that keeps on going. The other part of me is really fucked up. I do a lot of stuff, have had little of the can't-get-out-of-bed depression, but I cry easily, frequently, deeply. I'm screaming inside to be let out of my prison walls. Wish I could just go. It doesn't happen. I can't do it. I've tried. I'm a wimp. Life hurts so much and I feel so very fucked up that I haven't figured out how to fix myself enough to live a decent life. There's a few really good things about my life. And a whole bunch of garbage.

Right now I'm learning, still learning, to get off my own case and be ok that I don't have a job. I am doing an online education program, which is really hard, and I'm trying to be ok with the fact that I might not have a job for another year.
link7 comments|post comment

So.... [Feb. 27th, 2005|07:24 pm]

I feel a little more hopeful than I did a few weeks prior.

A book that was recomended by the prior shrink should be showing up on Monday.... (Along with a Vanessa Carlton album, as a form of self-reward) I'm going to read it and see what I can do about getting with the new shrink who's on the insurance plan, one out of several.

I am nowhere near as depressed as others. In some sense, my case is very much on the borderline of suckage. I'm not suicidal. I'm not SI. But that doesn't make my depression any easier, now does it?

Who am I? I'm a programmer with ADD. I'm in an interracial marraige to an Asian woman. I'm an artist because programming doesn't bring quite enough fulfillment to my life. I'm prone to sick commentary.

I know that depression's not just something that can be "snapped out of" because I've got a wonderful wonderful friend in real life who I love very much. I have a wife who I love even more. By all accounts, I'm at least mostly successful. And, yet, I'm depressed. There's no external cause. No messy breakup. No abuse. Nothing. I'm just depressed.

Anyway, that's my story, more or less.
linkpost comment

Hola [Feb. 26th, 2005|05:26 pm]

Hi, my name is Jo and I'm really glad to see this community is up and running!! I'm 21 and was diagnosed with major depression at 17. I was hospitalized and medicated for being suicidal and after going through therapy I have improved alot. I would say at this point that I am only mildly depressed, and much better at dealing with problems than I used to be. I am in school now studying psychology. My boyfriend, who I met in the hospital, has helped me alot. He's moving across the country next week, unfortunately, which will be difficult for me.

One coping mechanism I find helpful is to read books about depression. It helps me to better understand what I am going through and there are many books that describe other people's experiences. Right now I'm reading The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, by Andrew Solomon.. here's an excerpt:

Read more...Collapse )
link4 comments|post comment

*waves* Hello :-) [Feb. 26th, 2005|04:25 pm]

[mood |optimisticoptimistic]
[music |*Cell Block Tango*~Chicago]

Hey everyone :-) I just thought I should type an intro so that's what this is an attempt at.

it's really scattered :-/Collapse )

I'm sorry for the very scattered entry. I am very thankful for Liz and I am very happy to be here :-)

link5 comments|post comment

hi everyone [Feb. 26th, 2005|07:44 am]
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |the riverdales, judy go home]

I'm new.. thought i'd introduce myself. My name is Bee, i live in New Mexico (in the states). I just turned 16 on February 11. My mum is abusive (i'm moving out in march), she would've killed me if my older brother hadn't gotten in her way, more times than one. my dad is very sick so he has litte/no control over that. My Grandma who took care of me for years is downright crazy. I was raped when i was in preschool and noboby believed me, besides my elder brother. I did get tested to make sure, my brother brought me over to the doctor in my sleep..I don't know what I would've done without him. Everyone said i'd be on something by now, but I've managed to stay out of alcohol completely, and drugs.. but i have no idea how. i have never cut myself. but i did have a fettish with piercing my arm. i had managed to put a mental block on most of the stuff i'd like to forget, but with the help of some friends, i ripped through that. i do not/ rarely sleep and experience very vivid nightmares if i do.

oh yeah..health problems.
i have a slipped disk in my back, which i wore a brace for for a while, but it's getting worse and i may need a surgery, which is somewhat risky, i could be paralysed.
i have chronic bronchitis, just ick.
i have pretty bad asthma. but that's pretty much in control with meds.

i really, really dislike talking about this stuff. i'd rather be daydreaming about some weird plans. i don't like people to worry about me, i'd like to think i'm fairly independant. but right now, i feel like i'm gonna explode if i don't say something, just because right now i'm totally confused and down, and i found this community on my friend's list..

i have not been diagnosed with depression, but i strongly suspect it. i just feel so horribly, so often. the way i've found to deal with it is to run, which hurts me a lot because of my back, but i do it anyways. i run for miles, until i collapse. this works for the hours i'm doing it, since i can't think, but after and around..it gets bad.

link11 comments|post comment

[ viewing | 25 entries back ]
[ go | earlier/later ]