||[Dec. 21st, 2006|12:17 am]
It feels very strange as i have not felt and do not feel the festiveness. I have done the buying presents and the wrapping of them.
I have felt very disassociated for a few weeks. I think that its my body and minds way of coping with the first Xmas without my dad.
I visited his grave for the fist time since his funeral in March. The journey down felt so alien to me like i had never done the journey before. I only knew two things - the service station where we always stop on the journey to his house and ofcourse Stonehenge. We arrived at this graveyard that i had been to but felt like i had not. I walked towards his headstone remembering the photos my step mother sent me and still did not know it. I read my dads name but still nothing. No emotions, nothing in my stomach, my throat or my heart. What was going on?
I was left to sit and talk but really did not know what to say. I sat with my back to his head stone like we were sitting back to back together. I started to talk and then i cried.
Went to his house to see my step mother and it was again like not knowing the house. That it was a house i had never been to before. It felt emotionless inside. I could not feel my dad.
I believe that i dissociated/detached myself to be able to cope with the trauma that i was feeling before i went. To be able to cope with the journey and the visit. Its about depersonlisation. Felt like i was standing alongside myself, detached from myself.
Having suffered from an anxiety disorder for many years the body does do strange things when i am feeling anxious to the extreme. I learnt this as a child. The way not to feel so that i could survive what was going on. Coping mechanisms to get through a short period of time so to allow the passage/journey to take place. I believe that being like that allowed to me to see what was really going on without the intense emotions being at my dads.
Needed to write that just to make sense of it for myself.