||[May. 6th, 2006|07:06 pm]
(btw, I posted this on another community similar to this one . . . I'm just in desperate need of help? so i'm just looking for LJ communities that could offer me that)|
Hi, i'm new here. I joined because I'm extremely depressed and in need of some positive advice/encouragement. For one, I'm gay, and am not too "proud" of it. Another thing, I'm the youngest of two older siblings who are both successful, smart, and responsible and constantly remind me of how I'm worthless. I come from one of those families where you have to be "perfect." Like, you have to get straight A's, go to a highly ranked University, be responsible, athletic, well-rounded, constantly looking "perfect," and can't get in any trouble. I honestly try to be as good as my family wants me to be but I feel like I'm never good enough for them and I feel like they never appreciate me. They put so much pressure on me and if I don't meet their expectations, they commence verbally attacking me and telling me how much of a terrible person I am and how "when we were your age we used to do soooo much more than you . . . you're just lazy and spoiled." Like today, my dad tells me "Whenever you speak or are around anyone, something terrible happens, you cause some kind of disaster, or you ruin everything." As you can see, I have a very positive, loving family. Not to mention, my self-esteem is at a sub-zero level, and having to deal with being called "fag," "queer," and "homo" by kids at school certainly doesn't help. I also hate how I look; most days I think I look disgusting and sickingly skinny.
Oh, and I constantly think about death. I don't know if that means I'm suicidal because I don't think about killing myself (well only sometimes, on few occassions) but mostly I think about what would happen if I were to just die at any given moment . . . would people care? would they cry? would they realize how terribly they treated me?