• esuety


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  • nchloe


 Hi everyone!
I had a livejournal years ago but am happy to be back, determined to find support on my path to recovery, and help others struggling with the same diseases/addictions/traumas. I will post tonight on my page a summary of my first step so those of you who want to can get to know me a little better. Thank you all for being here and looking forward to sharing my experiences, struggles, strengths, and hopes.
Chloe exploring!

(no subject)

I think what has happened is that I don't have any energy left to run anymore. I've been running away all my life and it's about time I stop. Emotionally draining it is and I just can't live with myself. Life is meant to live, not to hide. There's a reason why they said "carpe diem." I'm just sorry it has taken me 24 years to realize it. Every little thing I avoid, every little thing I push aside for another day, every little thing I always say I'll deal with but never do...

I'm not going to run away anymore...
  • futhark

(no subject)

It feels very strange as i have not felt and do not feel the festiveness.  I have done the buying presents and the wrapping of them.  

I have felt very disassociated for a few weeks.  I think that its my body and minds way of coping with the first Xmas without my dad.

I visited his grave for the fist time since his funeral in March.  The journey down felt so alien to me like i had never done the journey before.  I only knew two things - the service station where we always stop on the journey to his house and ofcourse Stonehenge.  We arrived at this graveyard that i had been to but felt like i had not.  I walked towards his headstone remembering the photos my step mother sent me and still did not know it.  I read my dads name but still nothing.  No emotions, nothing in my stomach, my throat or my heart.  What was going on?

I was left to sit and talk but really did not know what to say. I sat with my back to his head stone like we were sitting back to back together.  I started to talk and then i cried.

Went to his house to see my step mother and it was again like not knowing the house. That it was a house i had never been to before.  It felt emotionless inside.  I could not feel my dad.

I believe that i dissociated/detached myself to be able to cope with the trauma that i was feeling before i went.  To be able to cope with the journey and the visit. Its about depersonlisation.  Felt like i was standing alongside myself, detached from myself.

Having suffered from an anxiety disorder for many years the body does do strange things when i am feeling anxious to the extreme.  I learnt this as a child.  The way not to feel so that i could survive what was going on. Coping mechanisms to get through a short period of time so to allow the passage/journey to take place.  I believe that being like that allowed to me to see what was really going on without the intense emotions being at my dads.

Needed to write that just to make sense of it for myself.  
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

Closing my spirit to others

Something I wrote in my journal seemed to help someone, so I decided to post it here, just some personal thoughts:

I have given some thought in my life about my experience of closing of my feelings toward someone. I am putting this awkwardly, but I am trying to say that I personally have experienced the sense of no emotional reaction to the sufferings of some people; my spirit has closed to them.

For the purpose of this comment, I am not trying to justify the closing of my spirit, nor am I trying to condemn myself for it. I am saying that just because I do not perceive that spark of life in their souls, this does not equate to there actually being no spark of life in their souls. My logical opinion is that there are plenty of sparks around me that, I in my hurt, or I in my limitations do not perceive.

From reading his book, I can safely say that Dr, Penoel, though he does have some funny ideas (ideas not proven to me, though he also has some great ones that are proven) is correct that many in the field of aromatherapy are sort of cut-throat and heartless. I can safely say he is correct in this because many people in many fields are cut-throat and heatless. But my point is that just because his spirit has become closed to these people and he does not perceive a spark of life in them, it does not mean the spark of life does not exist.

Hi everyone

Hello, I was glad to see this community has current postings.
I am a married 57 year old woman. I have a special interest in seeing how mental patterns and thoughts can influence our lives.

I have a lot of faults and can be immature, but somehow I came up with an affirmation I say to myself, and I hope it might help someone else:

"I am a soul that is learning."
  • futhark

(no subject)

My dads headstone goes on today.  I was told yesterday and i burst into tears in an estate agens where my sister works.  Then i got a phone call off my step mother and she told me last night. After i got off the phone i cried again.

I have been kidding myself.  All the while the headstone has not been there its not felt absolute, real, or final.  Now the headstone is going in it feels that - This is the end.  He is dead, My Dad is dead. 

The mound of earth in the graveyard has an identity. The grave has been named. There is no more pretence of it not being my dad.

It really feels like he has died all over again.  I feel like i did the morning i was told.  A slight difference as it feel real now and back then i was numb and in denial.

(no subject)

Happy Birthday to me. I am 38 today.  

Not a good birthday this year as its been nearly 3 months since my dad died.

I will celebrate down the pub as he would want me to have fun.  So i will try my best.

(no subject)

(btw, I posted this on another community similar to this one . . . I'm just in desperate need of help? so i'm just looking for LJ communities that could offer me that)

Hi, i'm new here. I joined because I'm extremely depressed and in need of some positive advice/encouragement. For one, I'm gay, and am not too "proud" of it. Another thing, I'm the youngest of two older siblings who are both successful, smart, and responsible and constantly remind me of how I'm worthless. I come from one of those families where you have to be "perfect." Like, you have to get straight A's, go to a highly ranked University, be responsible, athletic, well-rounded, constantly looking "perfect," and can't get in any trouble. I honestly try to be as good as my family wants me to be but I feel like I'm never good enough for them and I feel like they never appreciate me. They put so much pressure on me and if I don't meet their expectations, they commence verbally attacking me and telling me how much of a terrible person I am and how "when we were your age we used to do soooo much more than you . . . you're just lazy and spoiled." Like today, my dad tells me "Whenever you speak or are around anyone, something terrible happens, you cause some kind of disaster, or you ruin everything." As you can see, I have a very positive, loving family. Not to mention, my self-esteem is at a sub-zero level, and having to deal with being called "fag," "queer," and "homo" by kids at school certainly doesn't help. I also hate how I look; most days I think I look disgusting and sickingly skinny.

Oh, and I constantly think about death. I don't know if that means I'm suicidal because I don't think about killing myself (well only sometimes, on few occassions) but mostly I think about what would happen if I were to just die at any given moment . . . would people care? would they cry? would they realize how terribly they treated me?

that's all,