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NO DELETE! [Apr. 27th, 2012|03:38 am]
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New. [Nov. 16th, 2008|05:52 am]
 Hi everyone!
I had a livejournal years ago but am happy to be back, determined to find support on my path to recovery, and help others struggling with the same diseases/addictions/traumas. I will post tonight on my page a summary of my first step so those of you who want to can get to know me a little better. Thank you all for being here and looking forward to sharing my experiences, struggles, strengths, and hopes.
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(no subject) [Feb. 27th, 2007|01:19 am]

I think what has happened is that I don't have any energy left to run anymore. I've been running away all my life and it's about time I stop. Emotionally draining it is and I just can't live with myself. Life is meant to live, not to hide. There's a reason why they said "carpe diem." I'm just sorry it has taken me 24 years to realize it. Every little thing I avoid, every little thing I push aside for another day, every little thing I always say I'll deal with but never do...

I'm not going to run away anymore...
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New to the community... (cross-post) [Jan. 14th, 2007|07:45 pm]

[Current Location |home]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |Nickelback - Savin' Me]

First, please forgive the cross-post, as I joined a few new communities today that relate to the situation I'm going through...
My story...Collapse )
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(no subject) [Dec. 21st, 2006|12:17 am]

[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

It feels very strange as i have not felt and do not feel the festiveness.  I have done the buying presents and the wrapping of them.  

I have felt very disassociated for a few weeks.  I think that its my body and minds way of coping with the first Xmas without my dad.

I visited his grave for the fist time since his funeral in March.  The journey down felt so alien to me like i had never done the journey before.  I only knew two things - the service station where we always stop on the journey to his house and ofcourse Stonehenge.  We arrived at this graveyard that i had been to but felt like i had not.  I walked towards his headstone remembering the photos my step mother sent me and still did not know it.  I read my dads name but still nothing.  No emotions, nothing in my stomach, my throat or my heart.  What was going on?

I was left to sit and talk but really did not know what to say. I sat with my back to his head stone like we were sitting back to back together.  I started to talk and then i cried.

Went to his house to see my step mother and it was again like not knowing the house. That it was a house i had never been to before.  It felt emotionless inside.  I could not feel my dad.

I believe that i dissociated/detached myself to be able to cope with the trauma that i was feeling before i went.  To be able to cope with the journey and the visit. Its about depersonlisation.  Felt like i was standing alongside myself, detached from myself.

Having suffered from an anxiety disorder for many years the body does do strange things when i am feeling anxious to the extreme.  I learnt this as a child.  The way not to feel so that i could survive what was going on. Coping mechanisms to get through a short period of time so to allow the passage/journey to take place.  I believe that being like that allowed to me to see what was really going on without the intense emotions being at my dads.

Needed to write that just to make sense of it for myself.  
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Closing my spirit to others [Oct. 30th, 2006|10:49 am]

Something I wrote in my journal seemed to help someone, so I decided to post it here, just some personal thoughts:

I have given some thought in my life about my experience of closing of my feelings toward someone. I am putting this awkwardly, but I am trying to say that I personally have experienced the sense of no emotional reaction to the sufferings of some people; my spirit has closed to them.

For the purpose of this comment, I am not trying to justify the closing of my spirit, nor am I trying to condemn myself for it. I am saying that just because I do not perceive that spark of life in their souls, this does not equate to there actually being no spark of life in their souls. My logical opinion is that there are plenty of sparks around me that, I in my hurt, or I in my limitations do not perceive.

From reading his book, I can safely say that Dr, Penoel, though he does have some funny ideas (ideas not proven to me, though he also has some great ones that are proven) is correct that many in the field of aromatherapy are sort of cut-throat and heartless. I can safely say he is correct in this because many people in many fields are cut-throat and heatless. But my point is that just because his spirit has become closed to these people and he does not perceive a spark of life in them, it does not mean the spark of life does not exist.
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Hi everyone [Oct. 28th, 2006|01:01 pm]

Hello, I was glad to see this community has current postings.
I am a married 57 year old woman. I have a special interest in seeing how mental patterns and thoughts can influence our lives.

I have a lot of faults and can be immature, but somehow I came up with an affirmation I say to myself, and I hope it might help someone else:

"I am a soul that is learning."
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(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2006|01:20 am]


My dads headstone goes on today.  I was told yesterday and i burst into tears in an estate agens where my sister works.  Then i got a phone call off my step mother and she told me last night. After i got off the phone i cried again.

I have been kidding myself.  All the while the headstone has not been there its not felt absolute, real, or final.  Now the headstone is going in it feels that - This is the end.  He is dead, My Dad is dead. 

The mound of earth in the graveyard has an identity. The grave has been named. There is no more pretence of it not being my dad.

It really feels like he has died all over again.  I feel like i did the morning i was told.  A slight difference as it feel real now and back then i was numb and in denial.

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(no subject) [May. 20th, 2006|12:13 am]

Happy Birthday to me. I am 38 today.  

Not a good birthday this year as its been nearly 3 months since my dad died.

I will celebrate down the pub as he would want me to have fun.  So i will try my best.
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2006|07:06 pm]

(btw, I posted this on another community similar to this one . . . I'm just in desperate need of help? so i'm just looking for LJ communities that could offer me that)

Hi, i'm new here. I joined because I'm extremely depressed and in need of some positive advice/encouragement. For one, I'm gay, and am not too "proud" of it. Another thing, I'm the youngest of two older siblings who are both successful, smart, and responsible and constantly remind me of how I'm worthless. I come from one of those families where you have to be "perfect." Like, you have to get straight A's, go to a highly ranked University, be responsible, athletic, well-rounded, constantly looking "perfect," and can't get in any trouble. I honestly try to be as good as my family wants me to be but I feel like I'm never good enough for them and I feel like they never appreciate me. They put so much pressure on me and if I don't meet their expectations, they commence verbally attacking me and telling me how much of a terrible person I am and how "when we were your age we used to do soooo much more than you . . . you're just lazy and spoiled." Like today, my dad tells me "Whenever you speak or are around anyone, something terrible happens, you cause some kind of disaster, or you ruin everything." As you can see, I have a very positive, loving family. Not to mention, my self-esteem is at a sub-zero level, and having to deal with being called "fag," "queer," and "homo" by kids at school certainly doesn't help. I also hate how I look; most days I think I look disgusting and sickingly skinny.

Oh, and I constantly think about death. I don't know if that means I'm suicidal because I don't think about killing myself (well only sometimes, on few occassions) but mostly I think about what would happen if I were to just die at any given moment . . . would people care? would they cry? would they realize how terribly they treated me?

that's all,


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(no subject) [Mar. 27th, 2006|06:43 am]

Had a dream it was good while i was asleep but when i awke in the cold light of day it was horrible as reality was not the same as the dream.

I dreamt my dad was joking and that he wwas alive and that the docs got it wrong.

We had a great time saying hello again and did lots of stuff that we never got to do. He was better too. Whatever the docs did to make him alive cured all his illness and he could move about normally and was in no pain. He had no parkinsons either.

It was fantastic. We went to Zoo's art galleries. He came and saw my work at the local library. I showed him how to do wire work with beads etc. It was fantastic.

I felt great.

Then Mark got up for work and i realised it was just a dream. How could i believe it anyway. He could never come back to life and be cured.

My day has started off confusing as part of me is glad i had the dream as it was nice but part of me is sad as its not true.

I thought things were sorting but grief is a confusing state of affairs. It forever changes each moment of the day, each second is different.
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Book recommendation [Mar. 25th, 2006|07:21 pm]

[mood |creative]
[music |Van Morrison]

I found this book by Alexandra Kennedy called Your loved one live on within you. Have not started reading it yet but it sounds good.


The Infinite Thread:
Healing Relationships Beyond Loss

April 2001
Beyond Words Editing and Pub., $14.95 (20% discount at Amazon.com)
ISBN 1-58-270046-X

The loss of someone close to us can shake the very foundations of our lives. We look for ways to rebuild that foundation but our society has little to offer. We hear cliches such as time heals all wounds and you just need to get on with your life. But too often such advice deepens the pain and turmoil we feel. Thankfully, there are alternatives that really can bring us comfort. In The Infinite Thread, Alexandra Kennedy presents remarkable tools that have been helping her clients for over 20 years. She tells how to use our own innate abilities for finding the path through the bewildering experience of loss. From writing letters to creating a sanctuary for the process of recovery, she tells how our creative and intuitive capacities can help us find peace beyond the inner turmoil. Using anecdotes from real-life, she eloquently describes the seven tasks of grieving and offers ways to support partners, friends, and children who are struggling with loss.

  • Using imagination to recreate a relationship with a lost loved one in order to heal unresolved issues and regrets
  • Creating a simple sanctuary to give form and beauty to the healing process
  • Tapping the power of our dreams to rebuild our own lives.
  • Learning about ancient, tried and true methods for easing the burdens of grieving
  • Finding joy in our daily lives even as we honor our loss.

This new book is available from Beyond Words Publishing for $14.95 (1-58270-046-X).

To order by phone, call 1-800-284-9673 or email info@beyondword.com.

"Alexandra Kennedy engages the threshold of dying and death with such sure gentleness. The lyrical subtlety of her writing veils the grain and grit of its truth. She offers mythology, narrative and empirical data as pathways to the embrace of the dying and the retrieval of grief not as a desert but as a slow garden of remembrance, surprise and unexpected novelty."
From the foreword by John O'Donohue, Ph.D. and bestselling author of the award-winning "Anam Cara" and "Eternal Echoes"

"At last! A deeply real and profoundly wise book on healing a life after loss. In a field overcrowded with pop psychology, The Infinite Thread stands out like a lighthouse, beckoning those who travel in the dark to the refuge of a safe harbor. Alexandra Kennedy's book is a must read for anyone who has ever thought their heart could never heal." Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D, author of My Grandfather's Blessings and Kitchen Table Wisdom.

"In The Infinite Thread, Alexandra Kennedy gives us tangible tools and ways to reconcile a relationship with a loved one and how to work through unfinished business. . .This book is an excellent resource guide for healing all our relationships." Angeles Arrien, cultural anthropologist and author of The Four-Fold Way and Signs of Life.

Alexandra Kennedy"Alexandra Kennedy has written.a groundbreaking book of spiritual and practical wisdom, which explores new uses of the imagination in healing loss. If you ever thought it was too late to express love or forgive someone, try the exercises in this book! This big-hearted book is a gift to us all." Gerald Jampolksy, MD, author of Forgiveness.

"To experience loss is a fact of life. Yet, so many of us simply shut out what causes pain, only to learn over time that this shutting out robs us of our very lives. This book offers a path to healing from the inside out. . . a way not only to comfort but to the joy of regaining our own lives." Hal Zina Bennett, author of Write from the Heart.

". . .this is a book of real psychic weight by an author who herself has earned a national reputation. . . What makes this book so valuable is the clarity with which she provides guidelines to the more remarkable journey of continuing a relationship with someone who has died...This book accomplishes a remarkable task in providing new ways for us to work with the profoundly difficult issues of processing grief, and provides significant new perspectives on this tender issue." The Therapist, May/June 2002

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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2006|10:05 pm]

I am so thankful that i have found this site it is already very helpful in my days of need. Thankyou to you all.
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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2006|06:03 pm]

I lost my Dad on Feb 28th and burried him on 17th March 2006. I am at a loss as to what to do how to feel and what to say.

I am all over the place. One minute i am crying the next i am not and able to do day to day stuff. Other days i am unable to do anything just lay in bed and cry in so much pain.

I have never lost a parent before.

He lived 3 hours away from me and i was about to see him at the weekend but died before i could. I never did. I had not seen him for a while as had no transport to get to him. I feel so guilty for not going earlier.

He had renal failure, and was diabetic on dialisis at home. He was really ill. He had not long been out of hospital. I was told it would be best to wait for him to come home before seeing him. I wished i had not now. My sister and brother had seen him but not me.

I just want to tell him i love him and hug him but will never get that chance again. I did speak to him the night before and i felt there was something wrong. I even told my partner that night that i felt there was something wrong.
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call to comment, help for all [Jan. 25th, 2006|07:58 pm]

[mood |hopefulhopeful]

Okay, hey everyone, it's me again, being annoying. I was just thinking again about how inactive this community is, but how we can get it active and such if we just post a little bit and respond to each other's posts a bit more. I know we can all do it and that everyone out there really cares a lot, we just need a little spark and it doesn't help that our maintainer has disappeared (no hard feelings!) SOO, I was just thinking maybe if we all posted a comment or something to let the others know we are still around we can help get a support net going again? Just an idea :)

and a little help anyone?Collapse )
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Hey [Jan. 14th, 2006|05:38 pm]

[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |*Dancing Through Life*~Wicked Soundtrack]

Hey everyone, I am trying to get the word out some about this community so that we can get more members, thus more support. Unfortunatly I know that there are many others out there who can use all of our support to hel heal, understand, grow, and support. I made this button that you can use, just right click save it and upload it to a place like photobucket so that you can put it up somewhere if you wish. I have left a message with the maintainer of the community but they haven't been on in ahwile so I don't know what will come of that. Just thought it might help! If you want to talk you can get ahold of me at my yahoo id which is in my userinfo, AIM isn't letting me on and my MSN is screwy so I don't know :-/ Hang in there everybody!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
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Hello [Dec. 28th, 2005|03:36 am]

Hi everyone, my name's Chris and im 21. Im currently relapsing intro depression and having trouble with my girlfriend and just looking for a place to talk to people who are impatial and hopefully suportive.
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hey [Oct. 23rd, 2005|07:15 pm]

[mood |blahblah]

Hey everyone, it's been awhile but I'm still around. I just felt like posting something. I've been having trouble with some things lately and just need the reminder that I can conquer anything that is thrown at me. I hope that all is well with you guys, you remain in my prayers, I still love this place as much as I ever did. Hang in there everyone, I'll leave you with this quote :)

*The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.*~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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Hello - Enjoy. [Sep. 21st, 2005|10:04 pm]

Knotted?Collapse )
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fearless living community [Jul. 14th, 2005|10:03 am]

I created a new fearless living community that is based on life coach Rhonda Britten's Book Fearless Living: Live Without Fear and Love Without Regret.

Fearless Living
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new community [Jul. 10th, 2005|02:57 pm]
[mood |determined]


a place to write, relate, and heal
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A Healing Room [May. 25th, 2005|09:09 am]
[music |Sinéad O'Connor]

We have to withdraw from this world
Maybe permanently - if we know we have a home elswhere, if we are only
But a day, a week or a month -
The mind-body chooses its own time.

This song says it so much better than I can:

The Healing Room Lyrics

I have a universe inside me
Where I can go and spirit guides me
There I can ask oh any question
I get the answers if I listen
I have a healing room inside me
The loving healers there they feed me
They make me happy with their laughter
They kiss and tell me I'm their daughter
I'm their daughter
They say
You have a little voice inside you
It doesn't matter who you think you may be
You're not free if you don't know me
If you don't know me
See I'm not the lie that lives outside you
And it doesn't matter what
You think you believe
You're not free if you don't know me
If you don't know me
See I am the universe inside you
You come to me and I will guide you
And make you happy with laughter
I joy in seeing you're my daughter
You're my daughter
So believe you're not free if
you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me

Sinéad O'Connor

I sing it to myself sometimes
I am inside myself / I am inside others
We are one in our journey
even if we don't know where we may be going
Home is always found here -
with you - with myself.

See I am the universe inside you
You come to me and I will guide you

Day 2 [May. 25th, 2005|07:37 am]
[music |Ta Moko 1 Giant Leap]

"Tao called Tao is not Tao.
Names can name no lasting name."
-- Lao-Tzu

Working with MAC's journler is Good but I have not worked out just how to post direct to a blog/livejournal. However using LJ widget or, better still (I think) ijournal is good enough to mirror. This morning's entry is very different to last night's but the depressive mood is still a problem - it comes on suddenly like a thick grey/yellow fog.

Mood ... is not so bad today. After my 2 day purge I feel light, clear-headed, able to think but unwilling to speak. I need to stop talking to people. They irritate me and draw me into trivia. I have reservations about placing any of this on LJ. It is a private journey. I don't want comment and misunderstandings.

Ta Moko

I'm not sure I qualify - I feel very ambivalent [May. 24th, 2005|10:59 pm]
for all sorts of reasons. I neither fall within the or outside of the professed aims of this 'community'.

Say Leave and I will leave. Say nothing and I'll post. But I have nothing to offer to anyone here. No answers or suggestions.

Day One Entry OneCollapse )
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(no subject) [Apr. 19th, 2005|03:29 pm]

X-posted to other Depression-related communities I'm a member of. Hope it's ok to post this here? Spread the word if there's anyone else you think might be interested.
cogtherapy 'Applying cognitive therapy to daily life' - anyone else practising cognitive therapy want to share their experiences?
dukkhapervades 'Buddhist Depressives' - any Buddhists or interested parties amongst you?
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