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In a perfect world, I'd never know your name [ 08:17:07 ♥ 02:31a ]

[ mood | pissed off ]

Okay so it's been a while since I've done it, probably a few months atleast. But you guys know how it is. You know the feelings you get when you do it. You can try and explain it, but in the end it's really an unexplainable feeling.

So, I thought everythign was going great. I'm leaving for school in a week. An ex popped up out of nowhere and to make a long story short bandaged what he did. But tonight, he seems to be going completely backwards the asshole-ness that he was before. We are going through the same exact pattern we did before. So I was extremely extremely pissed off tonight. To the point where I was crying, then started just laughing. I would have went and smoked a cigarette to calm down but I've been trying to quit and don't have any.

So instead of blackening my lungs with tobacco, I decided to whip out my razor. And you know what that leads to.

So no one around me has any clue that I still cut. They have no clue. Will I ever be done with this though? It's seriously a drug. I'm a drug addict.

0001 slipinto the void

New plea [ 07:08:07 ♥ 03:17p ]

New plea.

Dear all,

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for the fantastic support you have offered after my last post asking for photographic models. I received messages from people offering support, willing to have their photo taken or those wishing to fill in a questionnaire. I couldn’t have expected a better response and I hope I come across as genuine when I explain how grateful I am. That gratitude is also extended to all the moderators who kindly left my posts up for people to read. Thank you.
Your support on my last project has inspired me to push my creativity further and extend the self-harm project that I began over two years ago.
This time I am hoping other people might be willing to get involved as I am opening the 'requirements' up to include many more heath issues.
Although I have not yet written my Artist statement, I am hoping to make the most of my 4/5-month holiday by getting a head start on next term’s project.
The project I worked on for my first year of my BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University, was surrounding the subject Self Injury/Harm. My initial plan was to put together a book of shots of young men and women who use self-harm. I had always planned to put these, headless, images in a book. However after much deliberation I decided to hand in a miniature version of the images, kept in a box for presentation and to save the book idea for my second year.
I now have another 8 or 9 months to put together a comprehensive collection of images that not only cover the issue of self harm, but also bring in other issues that may trigger self harm or are produced as a secondary to self harm (although I realize this is very different for everyone). I intend to create images that contain men and women, of all ages, colour or sexuality, who have had or who currently are experiencing issues with, self harm, anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS, depression, binge eating, disassociation, sexual abuse/rape survivors, participation in S&M, transgender/ transexuality, scaring from incidence etc. Essentially I am hoping to capture many aspects of mental health with a specific look at how mental health affects you physically and how you feel about your body.
As part of this work, I would like to follow 3 or 4 people through treatment. This could be in-patient or out patient, mental health related treatment or physical health. For ease, it would be great if the participating people lived near Cambridge or around the south of the country, however, I would be willing to travel if needed.
The idea of lots of people modeling once, representing their own lives and stories, means I can share very small insights into a mind set or situations. However, by having the chance to follow 3 or 4 (or more if possible) people through one part of their lives, documenting the details of their stories, I have the opportunity to show people a much deeper look into life with impairments.
I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI or any other issues that may be raised, yet at the same time offer people who don’t understand a chance to see how it affects people. That is where your help comes in!
I may be able to explain my own relationship with self-harm and mental/physical health, I may even be able to give statistics, but unless many people get to share their stories.. We can’t expect people to just get it.
Just like last time, I am looking for people from anywhere in the UK, 
any age (as long as your over 16 with parental consent or over 18), and either sex. I would be willing to help out with travel costs to my home and you would be more than welcome to stay at my house with a friend of yours.
This time the compassion of the images will be slightly different, but you will always have the last word on what you are happy to do.
The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect, as well as the wonderful people who nominated them selves. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how grateful I am for the models co-operation. All models will need to sign a model release form.
I am telling you all about the book and my hopes for the future as I would like to ask if anyone would want to take part? I want to show all aspects of self-harm and mental health issues, not just scars or tears or meds. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for those around you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.
I am hoping to get moving as soon as possible, so if you have some free time over the summer and fancy a trip to Cambridge, please e-mail and we can work something out!
Feel free to contact me, Indigo.Clouds.Imagery[@]Gmail[.]com
into the void

self harm image book. [ 04:21:07 ♥ 05:03p ]

Hey, my name is Jo. I am 24 and I live in Cambridge UK

I'm doing a fine arts degree, BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University. I'm in my first year but I have worked as a photographer previously.

For my major project this year I am studying self harm. Its something I have worked with before and personal experience of.

I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI, yet at the same time offers people who dont understand it a chance to see how it affects people.

I decided that I didnt simply want the photos up on a wall as they were too private. So I am putting together a book. It wont be published, I will only make a handful of copys. It will be A4/5 size and each page will have 2 or 3 images on. Along with that will be a very small amount of text that's either commentory from me, statistics or quotes taken from the small questionair I have asked my models to fill in.

The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how greatful I am for the models co-operation.

I am telling you all about the book as I would like to ask if anyone would like to take part? I want to show all aspects of self harm, not just scars or tears. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for thoes arond you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.

I wonder how you might feel about helping me acheve that?

Models will need to be over 16 and have permission from parents if under 18. You will need to live in the UK and be avaliable for a photoshoot as soon as possiable. Models are not paid but I can help with traveling costs, offer you and a friend food/a bed for the night and you will have an opertunity to buy a copy of the book when finished if you would like.

I am needing people as quick as possiable as the project needs to finish in the next 4/5 weeks and some models backed out. That said, if you do offer, you will be under no pressure to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Even if that means you getting here and changing your mind. If you are interested I can show you some images I already have to see what you think. Feel free to pass this on to friends you think may be interested.

I hope this post isnt inapropreate, feel free to remove it. x-posted to other self harm communities.

You can leave messages here or you can e mail me at GumChewingFreak[@]Gmail[.]com

Thank you for reading, have a safe day xx xx
into the void

LSD paint [ 01:19:07 ♥ 10:41a ]


community is made for sharing drawings and pictures made under LSD and other stuff


into the void

[ 01:18:07 ♥ 05:33p ]

This is going to sound absolutely bizarre, so I'm going to put it behind a cut just to be safe.

mini-backstory and a questionCollapse )
into the void

new but not. [ 01:07:07 ♥ 12:28a ]

I use to be on here but lost track of myself and disappeared. I was ___wastingpaint
Im 20 and i live in costa mesa CA, I go to college and its a hand full.
I use to cut when i was a senior in high school, but got treatment (hah).
Thats all i have to say about that.

In this net void of mass production Im hoping to find those who understand.
into the void

[ 01:02:07 ♥ 09:09a ]

The unbanishable vermin within my personal universe refuse to discontinue their quest of completely demolishing any particle of self confidence or self love I once owned. For most of my life I believed you always had control of yourself and your mind as long as your will was strong enough, but as strong as my will is I cannot get the things which tell me I'm not donating anything to mankind to leave me behind and move on to another victim. My doctor never lets anyone come into his office it seems, and I'd rather not tell the nurse about my problems. I've never trusted nurses very much, they seem to gossip a bit much for my taste.
into the void

[ 12:12:06 ♥ 07:13p ]

i havent written in here for so long...i havent even looked at here in so long..

so a little refresher for anyone who needs it..
I'm Tara. i recently turned 18 and im now in the last week of my first semester at college.
I started cutting at about 15..but right around the time i turned 16 it was really bad. after a few bad months, i was on and off.

and lately ive been off. but last night/this morning..i was so close to doing it.
and i honestly dont fully know why.

i know im stressed, im dying to go home and be with my besties and family and bf for a month
ive been fighting with my bf(we've been together for 14 months)
an ex first love has recently come into my life...well he told my bff how much he missed me and still loves me and what not.

the fight with my bf sucks. we're good, then we fight, then we're good again. and im tired of it. i just want to be good.
but its nothing that bad.

i hate myself for getting excited about my ex..and knowing i still have feelings for him...but i cant help it, your first love never goes away..
but again, its nothing that bad. he hasnt come to me, i havent had to face it.

ive been cut free since at least graduation..may 11th. thats AT LEAST 7 months.
idk why i almost broke it.

part of me just wants to so badly. i miss it i guess. it was so much easier to just bleed the pain out, bleed my emotions out..

but i dont want to. my life is so much better. i have nothing really bad going on. ive been so happy, and enjoying and loving my life more than i can remember for a long time at least.

i guess it never fully goes away. it wont be the end of the world if i give in, ill just go back to not doing it again i suppose.

i just dont want to fall again.
0001 slipinto the void

[ 12:02:06 ♥ 05:25p ]

This was done 2 nights ago. So it's cleaned up but still lovely. And the new ones are beside lots of older healed ones. Still hurts when I move.

Picture...Collapse )
into the void

[ 12:02:06 ♥ 08:20a ]

[ mood | okay ]

Hey everyone! It's been a long time since I've written in here, I honestly don't remember the last time.

Just a quick bio since probably know when knows/remembers me. My name is Courtney and I'm 18 now. I've been cutting on and off and on and off for about 3 years now. Actually it's probably almost exactly 3 years since I made my first cuts. I've gotten professional help once; I went on Zoloft for a few months and a counselor a couple times. It helped for the time being and I was so happy. Well, I was happy before that and I'm happy now that I'm not even on meds or seeing a counselor. My life has never been horrible. I have problems but no more than anyone else really. When I first began, a few people I knew did it. It seemed to be almost the new cool thing to do. I admit I started it then, but it has been three years alter and I still continue with it. So, I'm convinced that it's not just a fad. I've said many times, "This is the last time, I swear." It never is. I stopped saying that, now I believe I will be a cutter for the rest of my life. Even if I stop, I'll always be in recovery because you can relapse ANYTIME no matter how strong you are, there's always a possibility.

Like I said, I'm on and off with it. I don't do it every day or every week like some people do, not that that's a bad thing though! But I seem to let it go for a while and let things build up until I feel the time is right to do it again. I hadn't cut since about July. I had a wonderful boyfriend at the time, we've departed now for the better, but it was great while it lasted. I think we had gotten into a fight and I had emotions building up in me for a few months since the last time I had done it. I did not cut for him, I don't cut because someone makes me angry or sad. I don't cut because my boyfriend breaks up with me or because my parents discipline me. I cut because of a build up of emotions. So I did it the night we got into a fight, and I think part of the time he was on the phone with me, but he didn't know. SO it was about 5 months or so and I hadn't cut.

Until last night. The funny thing is, that my life is pretty damn good right now. I'm doing awesome in school, I'm going to Englanf this summer which has always been a dream of mine, I have plans with two of my best friends for graduation, plans to get an apartment with one of them and getting into college. But it seems that winter brings out the saddest in me. I've been happy but not. There's some sort of lonliness and depression that comes with winter, I don't know what it is. And there is a new boyfriend who has been causing me some stress and I guess a little sadness at times. Last night we were talking and he has this way of being mean and sarcastic, which is his personality and sense of humor, but sometimes I'm not sure if he really means it or if he just doesn't know. I think it was just like the last straw. I decided to cut last night. I went up to my room, got out my razor and sat down. I sat there for a few minutes not moving, alomst like I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not, but I knew I did. I cut on my thigh, pretty much the only place I can anymore without anyone noticing. It hurt so bad, and I find it amazing that cutting NEVER made me cry, ever. Yet, someone can break my heart and hurt me emotionally and I break down into a river. It bled pretty bad. I like seeing the blood though. Actually my favorite part is the scars afterwards. I often find myself staring at or rubbing over the scars on my wrist. Just three short strokes. But they were my first. I sat there for a while just staring at the gobs of blood on my leg before my phone started ringing and it was my best friend. I didn't tell her. I don't tell anyone. The last time someone new about me still doing it was probably 2 or more years ago. It's the only secret I keep to myself really. And I like it that way.

I don't think cutting is a good thing, but I don't think it's bad either. It's just a way to express your emotions. Whether you cut, or self injure in anyway, every day or once every couple months, it's a release. I sit there afterwards and feel so calm and collected. Anyone who does not SI will never understand what it's like. We can try to explain the reasons why, and what it feels like to us, but they will enver get it. Most don't want to, but even those that do try to understand will never fully grasp it.

So in a way, we are part of an elite army. Now, I don't know about you, but that makes me feel pretty damn special. And Beautiful.

into the void

Community [ 11:26:06 ♥ 08:51p ]

[ mood | crushed ]

While reading this community, I noticed that there are many loving and caring people who have been hurt badly in so many different ways. There are many ways that help is available, and I'm hoping that my community can ease some of your demons.

It doesn't say in the userinfo page that I cannot do this, so here I go and I am terribly sorry if this offends anyone. And if it does, the mod can delete this entry immediately. I created a community a while ago called attemptfailed: for people who have attempted suicide. It is not a pro- suicide community, but it is one for people to tell their stories, get advice, find people to relate to, etc. I will leave a link to this community in the userinfo page, like it says in the rules to this community.

There is much more about it in the userinfo page, but I thought I'd give a little introduction to the community in case anyone out there is interested. Take care everyone.

into the void

promoooo [ 10:15:06 ♥ 06:47a ]

into the void

x posted. sorry. lol. [ 10:15:06 ♥ 04:52a ]

I figured I would post an entry in this community. I cut the other night....it was pretty. I think it was anyways. I'm not really sure why I did it. It was the first time in a long timeeee. I felt really good afterwards. I'm going to cut again later....and take more pictures. I love having pictures to remember it by. Can I say right now that I LOVE self harm. It's such a beautiful thing. You can do it and as long as nobody else knows you arent hurting them and if other people do know....and it hurts them...well it's none of their damn business anyways. I wish people would just stop trying to help me.....nothing is wrong with me....yeah...maybe I'm a little depressed....or a lot depressed really....but everyone gets that way at some point in their lives....and the fact that mine has been going on for a little longer than normal and will probably continue to progress doesn't make it any different. People should stop trying to help because I don't want to accept their help. I wish everyone would just keep to theirselves about it. Like my "boyfriend" for instance.....(he's not really my boyfriend but hes not seeing anybody else and neither am i...and we're talking so I guess you could call him that)....he said to me tonight..."if it isn't killing you then it must not be that big of a deal." .....he's freaking amazing. more people should be like him.

here's some pictures. I wouldn't call them triggering...but others might....so if you're triggered easily...i wouldn't open the lj cut.

pictures MAY be triggeringCollapse )

Pretty huh? I think so. I love blood....the color red is my favorite color.....I think I cut for the blood....a lot of other people say they cut for the pain....which I find kinda...different I guess...not weird at all...because I like the pain.....I just like the feeling and sight of the blood dripping down my skin the best.

♥ Kle
0003 slipinto the void

join [ 10:13:06 ♥ 03:28a ]


join. :]
into the void

[ 10:05:06 ♥ 10:29p ]

Hey Glitters...yeah, I called you all Glitters.

I don't know when I last posted here. But I when I did, I had been cut free for 5 months.

Three guesses what came soon after???

That's right, I caved.

And I wasn't proud. It was at the start of the summer holidays, and it was soon before I got my first real REAL boyfriend, who I lost my virginity to. He already knew about my cutting, but I still felt ashamed, and I accidentally cried in front of him. I hate crying in front of people. I soon pulled myself together, and we were fine.

He broke up with me a couple of weeks ago, but we're still friends. He has a new girlfriend though, and at first I thought I was going to ram my head into a wall. But I got used to the idea. He was my bestfriend way before we ever went out, and it's just like it never happened.

ANYWAY! That has absolutely nothing to do with me cutting. At all.

I have this guy coming after me too, and I do like him, but I don't want to show him my cuts or anything. I don't want him to know. I don't want anyone else to know. THUS I have decided to be alone for the rest of my life, so I can cut in peace and take too many pain killers all the time.

Everymorning when I wake up, I think 'DAMN, not again. Better luck tomorrow'


...I've learned how to cut deeper. I see my blood run down my hip now :) There's going to be more scaring, and I'm going to treasure it.

Seeing me bleed lets me know that it's alright to have feelings. Let's me know that I'm human, and that I bleed just like anybody else would, and I feel like everybody else does.

But it's never enough.

My wrist wouldn't cut, it wouldn't bleed. I went over the ol' burn scar, so it'll stay there. But it wouldn't cut, and it wouldn't bleed. I was so pissed at it.

Anyways, I have a big blue plaster on my right hip, and a small plaster on my wrist [to protect it from my wristband]

My brother's just come into the room. Sorry for the long ass entry. I hope everyone is doing better than me :)

xxx Kacy
into the void

[ 07:28:06 ♥ 09:07p ]

[ mood | depressed ]

I dunno what to do. My two best friends aren't around right now...and I'm all alone. I miss one of them like crazy, just cuz I don't know when he'll be back. It's hard without him, we'd hang out every single day, random ass times, and he was always...ALWAYS there for me when I needed him the most and now I need him the most...because of him. And he's nowhere to be found. "Finding himself"...he "needs some time" or something. why? time away from me? I'm his best friend, I'm supposed to be the one to help him. He should have time away from everyone but me. I used to be totally in love with this dude, but...now he's just my friend. I think. I dunno, I guess maybe I have been substituting him for a boyfriend type person. without complications. Everything is just so much harder without him around and I don't understand. My 21st birthday party is in a couple weeks and when he called me to tell me he needed the time away or whatever, i made him promise he would come, i don't care what he would have to do to make it. i don't wanna celebrate without him, it wouldn't be the same, I wouldn't have as much fun because I'd know he was supposed to be there.

0004 slipinto the void

[ 07:02:06 ♥ 10:10p ]


hi, im cassie. i used to be part of this communtiy a while ago. i stopped posting because for the most part i stopped cutting. the reason i came back is because lately ive been going through like.. mental breakdown.. and this used to be the best place for me to vent my feelings. this place doesnt seem the same as it used to be.. but maybe im wrong.. 

well.. the reason i was doing so well for about a year and a half was because of my best friend. he was the most amazing boy in the world and having him around everyday to talk to was enough to make me so happy. we were together every day and when he went home we were on the phone all night. people actually started treating us like one person.. then a few months ago he started getting into drugs and i refuse to do that.. so he started talking to me less and less. it was like no matter what i did i couldnt pull him out of it.. and i feel like its my fault for not doing something before it was too late. the person who he gets everything from hates me.. so he convinced my friend to stop talking to me all together and now im back to where i was without him. he gave me all the self esteem i ever had & now hes the one making fun of me and calling me fat and ugly just because he knows it bothers me.. and because his drug buddies say so. ive been doing everything i can to not go back to cutting and stuff but now i just have major mood swings and spend most of my time crying. i dont know what to do to make myself get over this.. and i dont know why im letting it control my life. and i know how rediculous i probably sound..so im gunna stop before i make a total ass out of myself.

im sorry if i like.. bothered anyone :-/

0002 slipinto the void

[ 07:01:06 ♥ 01:54a ]

[ mood | rejuvenated ]

Hey everyone ^_^ Kacy here!

I aint been on here in a looooooooooong time. Very long time. 5 months now I should like to think....

that's because I haven't cut in 5 months :)

an amazing amount has happened in the past 5 months, but absolutely nothing to make me perfectly happy and to make me stop cutting.

I stopped cutting because I realised other people made me feel like I needed to, and I didn't want anyone to have that kind of power over me.

I'm 16 now, and I started cutting right around this time, when I was 13. And I'm hoping it'll remain a adolecent phase :)

We all need to stay strong, and stay in control of ourselves. Don't let anything happen to bring you down. Just walk away from the darkness, and smile. A real smile. Not one of those fake ones off eBay...

I love you all so much. If it wasn't for this community, the first Si community I joined, then I think I'd be somewhere a lot darker right now. You are all amazing and beautiful people. I hope you can all achieve what I have, and more. I'll be back again, and hopefully, I will have the same amount of scars on me as I do now.

I am me.

Love always

Kacy xxx

into the void

[ 06:17:06 ♥ 12:15a ]

i just feel like crying
it sucks
ive been soo good lately at not being down, and feeling really happy
but of course its always a little tiny bug on my heart and brain that doesnt leave me alone
and tonight, its grown
i feel worthless. i feel ugly. i feel stupid. i feel incomplete. i feel unhappy. i feel like the old me that i thought i was finally rid of. i feel numb.
reading old depressing entries didnt help.
i feel like venting, but about what? how much jeremy hurt me tonight? how much it hurts knowing things will never be the same again once i leave for le moyne? how im never going to accomplish anything, i feel like its a waste, i feel so insecure, so low down, so worthless?
its bullshit. no one wants to hear me whine and complain. its not going to change anything. i hate this mood. i hate that ive felt so happy but of course i feel like im crashing again.
the only good thing, is i havent really felt the need to cut. its crossed my mind, but my skins not itching for it, i dont want it. i kinda realize i guess how it doesnt do anything. it doesnt help me. sure it does for a bit, but its not worth it.
so thats one step forward
my next step is what should i do to help myself now? i want to cry...but i dont. i dont want to talk about it, but its all im thinking about. i cant ignore it.
but i cant explain it.
idk...i dont even know anymore.

hope everyones staying strong
0001 slipinto the void

[ 03:31:06 ♥ 11:08p ]

i feel like im going to be sick.

the bill from ecmc got billed to my house. and i got it weds. at like 830 and my parents deeefffinitly saw it and on the front its fucking huge ECMC IMPORTANT BILLING STATEMENT. and addressed to tara haggerty. fucking great. we gave them jeremys address and everything and asked it to be mailed to there. and we asked them to not go through my insurance. which they did. and can i just say..the bill was 702 dollars?!?! yea. insurance covered enough so we pay 50 bucks. but still. im just sooo nervous its going to show up on their insurance. and i mean, it went through community blue but like, we dont have that anymore. and we switched soon after the incident. so idk like if theyre gonna get stuff from community blue or anything that'll say it.
its all ive been thinking about lately. and when im sleeping, im still not freed from it. its all i dream about.
i wish i knew more about insurance.
jeremys gonna pay the 50 bucks and i wont get any more bills from there but still.

and i have a 2 hour car ride to and from le moyne tomorrow with my mom. ive pretty much been avoiding being alone with her. so just thinking about tomorrow. god it makes me sick.

i think if she asks me ill say i let april use my name and address cause something happened and if her parents found out shed be in deep shit. i mean my mom knows how aprils parents beat her and shit so it would make sense right? and i dont know. i just dont know.

i think im gonna puke. i feel like crying but i cant. and im shaking. fucking great.

i need to go to bed.
into the void

They tell me I'm fine; believe me-I try.. [ 03:17:06 ♥ 10:14a ]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Well, I haven't written in here for almost a year. I guess a lot has been happening and things changing and unchanging.

I was doing so well there for a while. Last year I got lots of help, I got some medicine to help me and I was feeling great. I did stop taking the medicine, but I still felt pretty great. I actually tried to start taking it again and it made me feel like shit, so I haven't taken it for a long time now.

I hadn't cut since last year until about January. My boyfriend and I had broken up, and though that shouldn't be enough to make me cut, it was that night. And the other day my brother and I were watching Oprah, and she had a cutter on there. It showed videos of her doing it and talking about it. Oprah asked all the same questions that everyone asks us. "I just don't understand WHY? DO you want to feel the pain? Are you really depressed? Do you want to discipline yourself? Are you scared? I can't see how anyone could ever do that." And my brother asked me why I did it. I told him after a while it was to see the blood and the scars. Well, all day I was thinking about it. And that night I got a brand new razor and took it apart, and cut a big triangle on my thigh. Then the next night I did it again but on my chest and stomach.

I'm really not even sad. But I saw that thing on televison and it brought back so many memories and feelings. And I missed it. I missed the feeling, I missed seeing new scars. It's nothing different than a drug addiction. You get urges and cravings for it. But then again, I was thiking maybe I am depressed deep inside where I don't know it. I might be discipling myself for being happy. Like I can't allow myself to be completely happy. Or maybe I'm not happy right now. And I'm discipling myself for things that I'm doing right now.

I keep thinking "Okay, I'm done with this, I'm okay now, I'm cured." But I'll be doing great for a while, and not even really thik about it, but then all the sudden I get a craving that won't go away until I take that razor to myself. And it's exactly like a drug addiction. Watching certain family members who are drug addicts and seeing myself, I can see so much alike. They lie about getting drugs and still being on them -- I lie about still doing this. I haven't told anyone that I still do it. No one has known about new cuts since probably last year or before that. Drug addicts think they are done, they can be clean and sober, but if they see something that makes them get a craving, it could be all over. They could go back to it and an instant. --> The exact same thing with me. The drug addicts will always be recovering. Even if they stop for years and are clean and sober, they are still recovering because in one instant it can all start again. I will always be a cutter. Always, recovering or not.

And the thing is, I don't really want help. It's not out of control. Maybe I'm in a state of denial at this point.

0002 slipinto the void

[ 03:02:06 ♥ 03:51p ]

[ mood | cold ]

so lets see

these past few weekends have been pretty rough
one reason was one weekend when my sister called me crying hysterically asking me to come home..then texting me saying she was in the car and her and my mom and little brother were going to our cousins and would be staying the night
luckily i was with my bf so i just cried and cried with him. my sister has never done anything like that. i cant even imagine the fight my parents were in. we havent talked about it since.

then theres other stuff thats my fault that i strongly dislike about myself and every time i think about them, i hate myself a million times more. lets just say im one of those people who is in a sense the good little girl, didnt want to lose my virginity before i was married..and id never ever get an abortion.and the morning after pill never crossed my mind. well i lost my virginity new years. and its happened a couple times. and after each time i feel shitty. because idk why im doing it. or why im not strong enough to say no. hormones get in the way. and basically. i really dont like it. so the same night my sister called me crying i was in a fight with my bf. then we made up over that. then he was able to come home until i fell asleep. well we ended up having sex without a condom. i ended up crying hysterically for hours. because i never wanted to do that. and i felt disgusting and slutty and just hated myself. then the next day after my meeting we went and i had to get the morning after pill. again. couldnt stop crying. not that im asking for sympathy, and i know its my fault..it just feels good to write about it. since i only told a couple people about it. i needed to get it out.

then the next weekend. i was at my churches spaghetti dinner.and my purse got stolen. and i had gotten my phone out of it like 20ish min ago. and it was put away in the chapel(hard to explain the layout if u dont know it buut yeah) and the last person i saw was my aunt holding it. then i went back to cleaning up. then i went to get my purse to leave. and it was gone. i only really cared because my digital camera that i got as my xmas gift from my bf was in there. then my cousin found the purse. looked in it. my digital cameras gone. HIGHLY upset. and 99% sure my aunt took it because 1) shes the last person i saw holding it. when i found my purse it was totally in a place i hadnt even been the whole night and 2) my little cousin, her daughter, told my mom that she was with my aunt when she said "oh look. someone must have lost their camera"
yeah. then my grandma said shed call me after she talked to my aunt. never did.
and fyi. my aunt and uncle steal shit all the time from my grandparents. my grandpa had the nerve to blame my brother, then my brothers friend, when he noticed things missing from his house. when hello. my aunt and uncle live 2 houses down and have a spare key and are constantly at your house. iw onder. and my aunt gets dropped off at 4 in the morning at her house by random friends. and she just got out of drug rehab again. and their house is gross. and we go over there in the afternoon and everyones still in their pajamas, my aunt and uncle lying in bed. yeaaa. uum. so yea the next day my mom went to try and talk to my aunt about it and she got real defensive when she didnt blame her and yeah. basically my camera was 99% sure sold for drug money. just great

so that night i called jeremy crying and told him about it. then i was at the party. i was upset. had barely eaten. got drunk. felt real sick. hooked up with chris. didnt even realize it. when i did, i called jeremy sobbing. then he came and drove like an hour and came to lindseys house at 530ish. he forgives me and stuff cause he loves me and i was drunk but i still feel horrible. its something i never wanted to do. and i really hate myself. and ive cried alot over it. again. not looking for pity. i know its my fault. i just have to get it out.

theeen last night he was over(jeremy) and idk drinking got brought up, he got upset, which got me upset..and i felt really shitty self esteem wise about myself and it didnt help that hes pointing out all these hot girls on tv that he likes, or hed do, or they have a nice rack, they have a nice ass. u know that kinda stuff. and i had already told him it bothers me when we're like out or in the car and he points it out. so he said he felt horrible and he wouldnt do it. stupid me made the mistake of saying i dont mind if its girls on tv. i guess i thought hed just kinda get that it makes me feel bad either way. and that i didnt want him to think i was like an idiot or something. truth is, i just feel really shitty about myself. and i dont get how he can love my body or me or think im beautiful when he points out the girls in victoria secrets magazine, saying how good looking they are, look at their body, you should wear that lingerie tara..i mean i dont look anything like that. im not fat, but im not like..alot of the girls in the media today.and i think im hideous looking. idk. it just doesnt help when that shit happens
soo i got upset yesterday. he left at 10ish i started crying finally. then i cut a little. hadnt in a while. then he called to talk about it cause i told him i felt really shitty about myself and i couldnt talk about it cause i never tell anyone the whole truth on how i see myself. and i didnt give him much info about it

idk. the cuts arent bad at all. it wasnt really enough. but he called/texted me and i couldnt do it when i was talking to him. and im kinda glad i didnt do it more. even though the urges are so strong.

its just been rough lately. and my best friend and i are ex friends. kinda sucks.

and im just really confused about all the shit thats going on. and im scared of going to college next year. but im excited. idk.

sorry this was so long. i dont know how to do it behind a cut =(

hope everyones doing well and staying strong!


0001 slipinto the void

[ 02:17:06 ♥ 10:55a ]

[ mood | cranky ]

yeah ok. so i know i haven't really posted here. but i figure i will. i didn't think i'd need to use this community anymore. but i do. the last time i cut was 3 weeks ago. i'm trying to stop really i am, but hey. now the reason why 3 weeks ago i cut was because of my gf. she's the best thing that's happened to me. she treats me well and loves me alot. problem. 3 weeks ago she cheated on me. she was drunk and was with some guy. but thing was she wasn't drunk off her ass. she was barely drunk. plus she was fooling around with him while she was on the phone with me. she never said a thing. but later i called her and she got pissed cuz i was talking to her cousin and she didn't like that. the only thing i was saying to him was asking him if she had been drinking and of course he lied. but to make a long story short she told me that nite i freaked and cut bad. real bad. she got pissed at me for that. well yeah who wouldn't. but it was the fault of both of us. anyways you think i'd be samrt enough to break up with her. nope i'm still with her. and it's hard to trust her. idk. but yeah. you guys probably don't care about this but because of her and my depression hitting me harder than ever i need to be here. so yeah.

into the void

[ 02:15:06 ♥ 09:29p ]

I actually wrote this to music. It is a simple four-chord guitar part. Comments are VERY, VERY welcome! Please, don't hurt my feelings, however.

“An Ancient Soul”

In a snow bound city I woke up with a cough,
Midnight had passed so many times before,
The cries of pain had faded out with the night,
And I was left to walk in the cold alone.

An ancient soul was laid in the ground on that day,
The sky was clear and bright all the way,
We cried to the sun, go away for today,
We need some tears to fall from heaven.

Oh Angel, don’t leave us here alone.
Angel, don’t leave me here to moan.
Angel, oh Angel – Stay.

She was an Angel from heaven on Earth,
An Angel who fell to her death on the Earth,
How can a goddess lose it all in a life?
How can such beauty lose its way?

Oh Angel, don’t leave us here alone.
Angel, don’t leave me here to moan, on my own.
Angel, oh Angel – Stay.

Stay, stay with me.
Stay, stay with me.
Stay, stay with me.
Stay, stay with me.

My feet are freezing in the snow,
And the streetlight ahead is blinding all with its glow.
A baby cried hard to hold her hand in the dark,
A baby was left to be a man.

Oh Angel, don’t leave us here alone.
Angel, don’t leave me here to moan, on my own.
Angel, oh Angel – Stay.
into the void

[ 01:22:06 ♥ 08:09a ]

my friend and i had a fight.
something stupid...i told her i wanted to be a receptionist in a body modification shop, she said i needed to stop copying her *she aspires to be an artist in her own shop* i told her i intend to do whatever makes me happy, and that i dont intend to copy her in any way. she didnt believe me blah blah blah
i really wanted to. i nearly did.
i resisted though. i didnt cut myself.
im proud
0002 slipinto the void

[ 01:02:06 ♥ 05:40p ]

You should join Sinister Apple. That way I won't feel lonely...lol.
into the void

[ 12:22:05 ♥ 10:44a ]

so..i havent really ccut in a while..well like 2 weeks i think

things have been pretty good...my therapist has really been helping me alot..my boyfriend and friends are really helpful..and theres nothing too too bad going on in my life.

i guess im happier than ive been in a while. its just crazy cause im still not happy, but i dont know what else can be better. i still have this urge to cut and its so hard not to

the other night, it was like freaking 2ish in the morning, and i was with my bf, and all of a sudden i just shut off from him. i wouldnt look at him, talk to him, i started being really fidgety/shaking. and i was holding back from crying. and he kept begging me to talk to him, tell him what was wrong, because i was scaring him..but i just couldnt..
and finally i calmed myself down. but i was just so mad at myself because ive never done that really in front of anyone, and i didnt mean to scare him. i dont even know what was wrong. i started thinking and then i dont even know what i was thinking about, all these emotions just hit and i couldnt keep it back.
and then when i told him that that was a little one compared to some of the other ones ive had, he got really scared
it was like an anxiety atttack. damn those.
but i wish he wasnt there. i had to like force myself down so i wouldnt go and get the razor i have in one of my drawers and cut. i just wanted to bleed. it feels like its been so long.
freaking aaaaaaaaaaaa
i guess its good that he was there and i didnt cut. part of me really does want to stop. even though its soooo freaking hard sometimes. ugh

hope everyones doing well

0003 slipinto the void

[ 12:16:05 ♥ 10:10a ]

[ mood | cold ]

hey guys guess what. i've decided to stop cutting all together. no saftey pins or razor blades. no anything. this is gonna be hard but i know i can do it. i know i can. all i need is you guys and ur support and i know i can do it. i know it. i luve you all.

0006 slipinto the void

[ 12:14:05 ♥ 04:04a ]


Looking to find peace?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
into the void

strange days... [ 12:13:05 ♥ 02:32p ]

[ mood | content ]

Hey all, i haven't posted in a while, thought i'd update. welllll since my last post, my family has had to move cuz my mom forgot to pay the mortgage. its a nice place...i dont mind it so much, but it's further away from some of my friends. It's weird tho...my situation from when i started cutting til now is completely different, actually it was a lot better then and i'm not even cutting anymore. its been about a month or so...life has just been so crazy. but i've found that keeping busy helps. and ive got a whole support group of awesome friends now that i can talk to about almost anything. none of them know about the cutting, but they know about my mom being sick and all the other shit i've been through so they've been awesome in helping me out. im still single tho, which sucks. it would be nice to have a boy to share the holidays with, kiss on new years, all that. so far the only boy i want i can't have...and it sucks cuz i want him so much. but he has a gf so i don't want to get in the middle of any of that. no more drama!
So, despite a few setbacks, i think life is going pretty well. i start school in January and I'm super excited for it. i cant wait! my mom is kind of getting better...we're all helping her out, but she still has her bad days and they scare me. lets just hope we all survive Christmas this year!! so yea thats it all...i hope everyone has a good holiday and a good new year.

into the void

so im baq [ 12:06:05 ♥ 12:07p ]

i have been gone for a while but i decided to ressurect myself i dont know why but i do and i feel much beeter... i dont know wat to think my life could be better and i am trying to stop cutting and smoking but i have better chance with the cutting its been almost 2 weeks and its better... my boyfriend is very supportive... but if anyone wants to talk that is having trouble with anything i am here...

into the void

[ 12:05:05 ♥ 06:25p ]

sooooo....yah, I failed. I'm such a bitch.

I never usually bleed a lot. I just don't cut deep enough. Never have, even though seeing my blood is what keeps me going back to it. But this time I bled quite a bit, out of 5 tiny tiny cuts, and it was just going through the twice folded tissue when it must've stopped while I finally got to sleep.

Oh, yah, I've gone insomnic again. I was a while back, so I took tabs, then I didn't need the tabs anymore, so I stopped, now I've stopped sleeping again, and my mum is refusing to buy me more tabs because they're not working anymore and she's frightened I'll OD on them because I want to sleep so badly.

One thing that helps me sleep, besides Pot [which I refuse to indulge in again, unless I'm on brink of extinction], is thinking of my boyfriend. But now the bitch who stole my bestfriend away from me, and almost completely stole my life just over a month ago, is trying to steal him away from me too, because he had feelings for her before he had feelings from me, but she just enjoyed the attention and didn't show him affection back, whereas I did, and I "won" the right for him to ask me out to my face/shoulder [we were cuddling].

The one thought that kept me going tonight, and not freaking out, is that if he liked her better than me, then why does he act like he likes me so much? In other words, it's all in my mind, and for once I'm fighting it with common sense, something I lack.

I've stopped eating in front of people, so that means I only eat when I'm at home, and that's mostly overeat. Gargh, I'm so silly. I put on about half a stone [I don't know from where O.O] just before he asked me out, and then I felt like I desperately needed to lose it incase I crushed the poor buggar, a concern I have expressed on more than one occassion. He's just like a boy version of me, but slightly taller, and probably with less fat [stupid Metabolic crap], so I think I almost killed him when I sat on him yesterday, but he took it in good stride, and didn't comment on the Size of my ass.

Oh shit, I've written loads :| I just have loads to say.

So I now have a picture of the triforce from Zelda carved into my thigh, over old scars of course. Yah, I am a bitch because I told myself I was gonna stop, for him. He doesn't know yet, obviously, otherwise he still wouldn't be with me and my friends would've dissowned me by now, but when he finds out I'm just hoping he'll be good about it.

I've got a spot on my lip, and it's gonna look unattractive in the morning, and he's not gonna want to kiss me. Darn.

Okay, I'm gonna stop writting now. There'll be no room on the page for other people's entries.

-Kacy xxx
into the void

[ 11:29:05 ♥ 08:34p ]

I dont think I have ever posted in here so her i go.

My name is Jennifer, no not Jen or Jenny, Jennifer. I am 18 years old. I have cut for about 2 years. I guess I started because of this guy, he raped me. But now I do it for various reasons...ie. my friends, my family, my lack of love...so yeah thats me in a nutshell i guess

Love always,
0002 slipinto the void

[ 11:25:05 ♥ 05:48p ]

[ mood | read and itll be inferred ]

so basically, my boyfriend, we love eachother, but, hes homeless, and he said he would meet me tuesday, but he never showed, and i havent seen him after that.

where could he be? i have no way of contacting him but he does have my number. i am wicked afraid that if i dont see him soon, ill get really depressed, and possibly even start SI again. but i doubt SI, ive been trying so hard not to go back to that. but thing is, i never felt this way about anyone, we both tell each other that it sucks to be without each other, and that, "every second without you i just get so heated". my friend joe says hes probably cheating on me, getting laid with another girl, but i just cant think like that, i want to get used to the idea that he could be doing that, because you cant trust anyone plus if he is doing that and i find out then i dont want to be completely hurt and surprised.

also i am STILL pissed at my ex-boyfriend/friend damien, he told my boyfriend that i was trying to get with another guy, but that was actually weeks before dave (my boyfriend) and i even got together. so dave went and cut himself because he believed damien. damien didnt even know shit. so im pissed because basically he made dave cut himself (which hurt me). i dont want anyone i know to SI themselves because of me, because thats just fucked up. especially when they have no real reason to.

so i guess im still holding a grudge against damien.

anywho my problem right now is trying not to get depressed over my boy dave. if anything happens (if say he never comes into contact with me ever again, or he does and he breaks up with me), im gonna need a lot of support, and ill try my hardest not to SI. its really hard right now. mostly just trying not to be depressed about it.

0002 slipinto the void

i just joined.. [ 11:23:05 ♥ 02:16p ]

[ mood | flirty ]

heya, im seta.Collapse )
0007 slipinto the void

"You're not drawn to the dark like I thought....You're addicted to the misery..." - Spike, Buffy VS [ 11:22:05 ♥ 10:51p ]

so....update on My life.

I finally found myself someone. Someone who makes me feel incredable, and very special.

So why do I feel like this?!

I know he'll be alright with the scars and whatever, because there's not many....really....I hope....but he's just that kind of guy. And I have stopped ::waves flag::.

I'm not counting. Because counting will make me feel silly, and it'll be like "Yay! I made it a week! Now I can cut again!"...and yes, I have done things like that before, and no, I am not smart.

Yesterday I was on top of the world, not a bad thought in me.

I've got almost everything going for me right now. Finally quitting the tyranny that was 15 years of my life swimming, I've got the greatest boyfriend ever, my friends are always fantastic, I'm seeing my family less [trust me, that is good], and I'm almost succeeding on a diet that involves food going into my mouth, and not going back into it.

And yet, I feel like....THIS! Like everything just hurts! Like I want to cry constantly. Like everything I could be doing wrong, I AM!

What is freaking wrong with me?!!?

gurgh, I'm such a twat. Nothing can ever just be good, can it Kacy! Something always has to make to WORTHLESS!
0001 slipinto the void

[ 11:13:05 ♥ 12:13a ]

So here's something I typed to my friend.

I apologize for the overly horrible cursing within it's contents.

ugh. i was reading this little chic's journal and she was talking about "getting overly emo and cutting her wrist over and over, but to no avail". fucking people. attention wanting. i do believe she was one of the people that was singing this down our school hallway one day "if you're happy and you know it slit your wrist" and my friend bitched her and her friend out. HELLO. Cutting is NOT fucking cool. It's an addiction, a problem. Mother fucker. I hate people like that, it pisses me off so much. The ONLY reason, I tell you, is because, I'm TRYING TO HELP MYSELF, not because I'm some little attention whore. Besides you, the only other person that ever knows about it, is my boyfriend, because he would TOTALLY kick my ass if he found out later. And my one other friend, but he doesn't
know much of it.
Stupid little 13 year old bitches. "Oh I'm so cool 'cause I cut". You're NOT. Okay, sorry had to vent.
That just really pisses me off though, it gives the wrong impression to people. But oh well, let them think it's cool, until they see what really happens when they do get addicted. It's not any fun. Okay, I'm done. I apologize.

end of little ranting.

Now, don't think just because I said "stupid 13 year old bitches", I'm stereotyping, because I'm really not, I don't think all 13 year olds are stupid, just ones who cut for attention.
into the void

New but not. [ 11:09:05 ♥ 08:03p ]

So technically I'm not new.

I was here before, about a year ago under a different name.

I than decided to leave all toghether, because I didn't need this anymore.

Now I kinda do.

I don't feel like doing a real long introductory post at the moment, so I'll just give you the basics with a little story.

I'm Shelly.

I'll be 17 in January.

I don't have the stereotypical cheesy Brady Bunch home life, and I'm sure you don't either.

I have a boyfriend who is older than me, but oh so lovely, and I do mean that. I love him with all I have and I shall marry him one day.

I know that doesn't sound so bad, but you haven't heard the HALF of it, because I'm just too damn lasy to type ir all out right now. Anyways..on to my story.

So I was helping re-do my room, and I walked in there with barefeet, and there was a piece of glass on the ground, none the less, I stepped on it and it felt like it hit my bone. I didn't scream, I just said "ouch, I stepped on a piece of glass, and it feels like it went halfway through my foot". Now, why am I telling you this story, you're asking? Because, I almost liked that feeling of pain, and I stared at the blood dripping down my foot. Now, see if I wasn't paying attention, I would of stepped on it, and would of never noticed what had happened until I saw my bloody foot. (I've done that before, so that's how I know). I almost like the hurt it gives me. And I'm not even really in a bad mood right now. I guess it just feels good to me, even when I'm not in a depressed mood.

Is anyone else like that?

♥The Wicked One
0001 slipinto the void

[ 11:03:05 ♥ 10:04p ]


into the void

[ 11:03:05 ♥ 10:02p ]

I slipped, bad. Almost went for my arms, but managed to stick to my hip. I just can't see the flesh between the lines now I can't believe I did it. I've never done it this bad before. I can feel it. I can feel that everyone is going to find out soon, and it's gonna kill me. I can barely take it anymore. I feel like I was supposed to die a long time ago, but somehow I dodged the bullet. Like I cheated the system. And now the system wants me. I've never felt like THIS before...it sucks. And I feel like it's all gonna end soon. And I'll finally be at rest. I just really don't want to hurt my friends. And I got the vision of my mum walking into the bathroom after I open my wrists, and I don't want anyone to find out that way. It'd kill them, and I'd stain the bath. I've been trying to think of the best way to go, without anyone I know seeing my life-less body after the consequences, but so far the only one I can think of is running away, and leaving a note on myself saying 'please don't show my parents my mutilated body'. Crap, now I'm crying again, thinking of myself in the morg, white as a sheet. This isn't going to work. I've got to do something!!!!!!
into the void

Ello *waves* Newbie I Am. [ 10:29:05 ♥ 12:11a ]

[ mood | blah ]

Hi, My name is Angela. I've been a cutter for about 3 1/2 yrs now. I started for various reasons, at the time though, it was mostly because I couldn't feel anything...I was going through a stage of my depression which I dubbed "slow-motion", not the best stage but better than most.
I have gotten worse over the years with my cutting. I tend to stick to my left arm now-a-days...it's the worse of my spots.
I see a counsler 1 to 2x a week...she's helped a lot, however, they're thinking about putting me on something...she thinks I might be Manic/BiPolar-sucks but I'm not surprised. I toy with suicide a lot, but I'll be honest, I don't really have the guts to do it, so don't worry about it. I'd like to eventually stop cutting but for now...all I can do is try here and there. I don't drink/do drugs or any of that bullshit by the way and I hate taking pills but I do it a lot because I make myself sick all the time... Iunno enough about boring ol' me. I guess I'm here to get help and give it. If anyone every needs someone to talk to, email me.(you'll find my addy it on my journal info)
If you want to know more about me go to this link.


0001 slipinto the void

[ 10:27:05 ♥ 05:44p ]

[ mood | exhausted ]

Lately...I have really been thinking about it. Not just the normal "I wonder what everyone would be doing right now if I wern't here" and crap. Actually thinking.

I cut, not that long ago. When school started again, I got really depressed, and started crying all the time again. I told myself not to cut, and that I could make things better for myself. And things did kind of get better. This guy I knew liked me, and I liked him, but then I thought that he didn't like me, and that there was no point in me trying to "preserve" myself for him if it was never going to happen. He was the first person to really like me, but he didn't 'feel the spark' after we went out. I wasn't that upset by it, but I was slighty put-off by the fact it took him 3 weeks to tell me, and I had to force it out of him. I cut before that anyway, when I felt like nothing was ever going to happen. Which it hasn't. Oh well. I don't feel like I'm in the right place for anything at the moment, anyway.

But I cut. And I told my friend who I've always told because I've always felt like she'd love me no matter what, and always just be there for me. But she wasn't. She got angry, and it scared me because she's never gotten angry with me before. And she was shouting at me to stop and that I was damaging myself. But I don't even cut that much. Tiny little slits that won't be seen. And when I told her, she said she didn't mean physically. She meant mentally. I can stop anytime I like. Anytime. I just don't want to.

But now, I can really see me. I am Hideous. I am the Ugliest, most foul thing on the planet. I am really really the one thing I hate most about anything, and I don't want to be seen by anyone anymore, because I'm so un-attractive. The very thought of just looking at me makes me want to puke, so I don't see why it shouldn't make other people want to.

And I want to end it. My doctor actually give me the idea, when he told me not to overdose on my asthma pumps because he was worried that I might if I felt like I couldn't breathe. Well, I can't breath now. Is it time yet? I know ODing on asthma pumps can actually do serious damage to myself, and it's lethal. But I want to. I could do it anywhere, anytime. It's just so easy. I want to end it. I don't care what people will say afterwards, or whether it would hurt them or help them. I know it would help more people than it would hurt.

Just one or two too many puffs, and it's over. No more pain. ...it feels good to say that.

0001 slipinto the void

I just need someone to listen.. that's all.. [ 10:23:05 ♥ 11:07p ]
[ mood | ugh ]

I've been an off/on member of this community for a while. I joined it long back, then left, joined again, and left, and here I am again.. I just.. I feel.. very empty and needy right now, and I guess that's why I'm joining again.

My name is Chelsea. I'm sixteen. I've been cutting since I was ten. As for now, I haven't cut since.. April, I think. I don't keep track, because to me, it hurts worse to break records than it does to be happy in how long you've kept it.

I haven't cut since then for many reasons. I actually have come to hate my scars because they haven't gone away. With my stupid hopes to become a model (which I'm sure I've ruined by now), my several scars haven't healed at all. And I also hate it when other people look at them. I don't like talking about my scars at all. The other reason is because my mother knows, and she's such a fucking psycho that she'll lock me up in a second. I don't want my life ruined because of her. I don't. lj-cut as to not have my words flood the pageCollapse )

into the void

[ 10:20:05 ♥ 09:33p ]

so quick update..from like a few hours ago

i did cut. nothing bad at all. but enough to hurt people. my new bf found out..through my best friend, cause i text'd her, and she cried, he read it and now hes upset. i havent actually talked to him about it though. i talked to my friend..but i just havent talked to him. cause its so hard. and then she told me he went to go get high. because he was really upset. and alot of it had to do with me. which made me feel 10000000 times worse.
so im calling him tomorrow..and basically im sucking it up and trying to explain certain things about why i cut to him. hopefully he'll understand.

so now i feel like crap

but to tell u the truth...the cut felt so good..seeing the blood felt so good..the throbbing feels so good....its horrible i know.
into the void

[ 10:20:05 ♥ 04:35p ]

[ mood | depressed ]

basically. im dying inside
and i dont know where to turn
or how to stop the hurt.
i havent cut..but its because of other people. and i know thats wrong. i know it has to be for me. but its not. and i know that soon im gonna explode and do it again..its only a matter of time.
my heart feels like it has this humongous weight on it..and no matter what i do, it wont go away. all my happy emotions feel fake. all i wanna do is cry. all i wanna do is die(not in an omg i wanna kill myself way) its hard to explain. i feel so dead on the inside already. except for pain. i want the pain to die. i want the memories to die. i want the anger to die. i want the hurt to die.
i want to be able to live again
to enjoy my life..to be happy
to not have those memories or feelings inside me...taking up my whole body..gradually wearing me down..until im left as nothing. a little girl covered with tears stained with blood.

..sorry its so depressing. its just how i feel. and i have to let it out somewhere

0002 slipinto the void

[ 10:14:05 ♥ 09:47p ]

[ mood | nervous ]

I'm supposed to introduce myself. Name's Brianne. I'm from California and I am 15 years old. My mom is an alcoholic and my dad just works all the time, never home. Only child. Pretty lonely, in a sense. Been cutting since I was 13. Feel like I have no one to turn to. Maybe this community will help me.

0002 slipinto the void

bad... [ 10:13:05 ♥ 09:35p ]

[ mood | confused ]

i cut a lot last night...just kept slashing and now my arm is covered in red lines and I'm so mad at myself for it. i always get mad at myself for it, but i do it anyway. i think this is the most ive ever done it tho. thank god for cold weather and long sleeves. Things are bad lately, im stressed out more than i need to be...my mom is sick and nobody knows why, im working a lot just got a promotion so theres more work for me to do. im the one taking care of my mom when my dad is at work...making sure she eats and gets out and doesnt drink. its not as easy as it sounds, my mom is stubborn as fuck and if i dont get her to do all that...what happens? she just stays sick and it's all my fault. it all kinda built up last night...and blew up. people keep popping into my life that i wish would just disappear forever but i dont know how to tell them to go away.

0001 slipinto the void

[ 10:02:05 ♥ 11:13p ]

[ mood | feelings of Failure ]

hi again, i used to be a member of this community about a year ago. but i left because it got to triggering. now i just need the support again.

i was self-mutilation free for about 10months. until tonight, i was really depressed, and without thinking about it, i started burning myself. 8 burns on my leg.

and i was doing so well.

0003 slipinto the void

[ 09:26:05 ♥ 10:03p ]

Hi. I'm new. I'm 18. I've been cutting since I was 13.

I tried to stop, I really wanted to... I haven't cut in over a month... almost two (that's a pretty big accomplishment for me).

I thought I could just stop, but it's not that easy.

I don't think I'm strong enough.

It's like the longer I wait the more shit builds up and the worse it's going to be.


I don't know. I just wanted to get that out there.

Now I'm starting to think that I don't want to stop. Although I'm sure I'd be better off if I did.

God. I'm tired of hiding scars. But I'm tired of not having it there to fall back on.
0003 slipinto the void

[ 09:25:05 ♥ 07:12p ]

[ mood | sad ]

i am 2 old to cut ,so why do I start again after about 6 mts?

0004 slipinto the void

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