Hey everyone! It's been a long time since I've written in here, I honestly don't remember the last time.
Just a quick bio since probably know when knows/remembers me. My name is Courtney and I'm 18 now. I've been cutting on and off and on and off for about 3 years now. Actually it's probably almost exactly 3 years since I made my first cuts. I've gotten professional help once; I went on Zoloft for a few months and a counselor a couple times. It helped for the time being and I was so happy. Well, I was happy before that and I'm happy now that I'm not even on meds or seeing a counselor. My life has never been horrible. I have problems but no more than anyone else really. When I first began, a few people I knew did it. It seemed to be almost the new cool thing to do. I admit I started it then, but it has been three years alter and I still continue with it. So, I'm convinced that it's not just a fad. I've said many times, "This is the last time, I swear." It never is. I stopped saying that, now I believe I will be a cutter for the rest of my life. Even if I stop, I'll always be in recovery because you can relapse ANYTIME no matter how strong you are, there's always a possibility.
Like I said, I'm on and off with it. I don't do it every day or every week like some people do, not that that's a bad thing though! But I seem to let it go for a while and let things build up until I feel the time is right to do it again. I hadn't cut since about July. I had a wonderful boyfriend at the time, we've departed now for the better, but it was great while it lasted. I think we had gotten into a fight and I had emotions building up in me for a few months since the last time I had done it. I did not cut for him, I don't cut because someone makes me angry or sad. I don't cut because my boyfriend breaks up with me or because my parents discipline me. I cut because of a build up of emotions. So I did it the night we got into a fight, and I think part of the time he was on the phone with me, but he didn't know. SO it was about 5 months or so and I hadn't cut.
Until last night. The funny thing is, that my life is pretty damn good right now. I'm doing awesome in school, I'm going to Englanf this summer which has always been a dream of mine, I have plans with two of my best friends for graduation, plans to get an apartment with one of them and getting into college. But it seems that winter brings out the saddest in me. I've been happy but not. There's some sort of lonliness and depression that comes with winter, I don't know what it is. And there is a new boyfriend who has been causing me some stress and I guess a little sadness at times. Last night we were talking and he has this way of being mean and sarcastic, which is his personality and sense of humor, but sometimes I'm not sure if he really means it or if he just doesn't know. I think it was just like the last straw. I decided to cut last night. I went up to my room, got out my razor and sat down. I sat there for a few minutes not moving, alomst like I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not, but I knew I did. I cut on my thigh, pretty much the only place I can anymore without anyone noticing. It hurt so bad, and I find it amazing that cutting NEVER made me cry, ever. Yet, someone can break my heart and hurt me emotionally and I break down into a river. It bled pretty bad. I like seeing the blood though. Actually my favorite part is the scars afterwards. I often find myself staring at or rubbing over the scars on my wrist. Just three short strokes. But they were my first. I sat there for a while just staring at the gobs of blood on my leg before my phone started ringing and it was my best friend. I didn't tell her. I don't tell anyone. The last time someone new about me still doing it was probably 2 or more years ago. It's the only secret I keep to myself really. And I like it that way.
I don't think cutting is a good thing, but I don't think it's bad either. It's just a way to express your emotions. Whether you cut, or self injure in anyway, every day or once every couple months, it's a release. I sit there afterwards and feel so calm and collected. Anyone who does not SI will never understand what it's like. We can try to explain the reasons why, and what it feels like to us, but they will enver get it. Most don't want to, but even those that do try to understand will never fully grasp it.
So in a way, we are part of an elite army. Now, I don't know about you, but that makes me feel pretty damn special. And Beautiful.