In a perfect world, I'd never know your name

Okay so it's been a while since I've done it, probably a few months atleast. But you guys know how it is. You know the feelings you get when you do it. You can try and explain it, but in the end it's really an unexplainable feeling.

So, I thought everythign was going great. I'm leaving for school in a week. An ex popped up out of nowhere and to make a long story short bandaged what he did. But tonight, he seems to be going completely backwards the asshole-ness that he was before. We are going through the same exact pattern we did before. So I was extremely extremely pissed off tonight. To the point where I was crying, then started just laughing. I would have went and smoked a cigarette to calm down but I've been trying to quit and don't have any.

So instead of blackening my lungs with tobacco, I decided to whip out my razor. And you know what that leads to.

So no one around me has any clue that I still cut. They have no clue. Will I ever be done with this though? It's seriously a drug. I'm a drug addict.
  • Current Music
    Broken Wings -- Bleed the Dream

New plea

New plea.

Dear all,

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for the fantastic support you have offered after my last post asking for photographic models. I received messages from people offering support, willing to have their photo taken or those wishing to fill in a questionnaire. I couldn’t have expected a better response and I hope I come across as genuine when I explain how grateful I am. That gratitude is also extended to all the moderators who kindly left my posts up for people to read. Thank you.
Your support on my last project has inspired me to push my creativity further and extend the self-harm project that I began over two years ago.
This time I am hoping other people might be willing to get involved as I am opening the 'requirements' up to include many more heath issues.
Although I have not yet written my Artist statement, I am hoping to make the most of my 4/5-month holiday by getting a head start on next term’s project.
The project I worked on for my first year of my BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University, was surrounding the subject Self Injury/Harm. My initial plan was to put together a book of shots of young men and women who use self-harm. I had always planned to put these, headless, images in a book. However after much deliberation I decided to hand in a miniature version of the images, kept in a box for presentation and to save the book idea for my second year.
I now have another 8 or 9 months to put together a comprehensive collection of images that not only cover the issue of self harm, but also bring in other issues that may trigger self harm or are produced as a secondary to self harm (although I realize this is very different for everyone). I intend to create images that contain men and women, of all ages, colour or sexuality, who have had or who currently are experiencing issues with, self harm, anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS, depression, binge eating, disassociation, sexual abuse/rape survivors, participation in S&M, transgender/ transexuality, scaring from incidence etc. Essentially I am hoping to capture many aspects of mental health with a specific look at how mental health affects you physically and how you feel about your body.
As part of this work, I would like to follow 3 or 4 people through treatment. This could be in-patient or out patient, mental health related treatment or physical health. For ease, it would be great if the participating people lived near Cambridge or around the south of the country, however, I would be willing to travel if needed.
The idea of lots of people modeling once, representing their own lives and stories, means I can share very small insights into a mind set or situations. However, by having the chance to follow 3 or 4 (or more if possible) people through one part of their lives, documenting the details of their stories, I have the opportunity to show people a much deeper look into life with impairments.
I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI or any other issues that may be raised, yet at the same time offer people who don’t understand a chance to see how it affects people. That is where your help comes in!
I may be able to explain my own relationship with self-harm and mental/physical health, I may even be able to give statistics, but unless many people get to share their stories.. We can’t expect people to just get it.
Just like last time, I am looking for people from anywhere in the UK, 
any age (as long as your over 16 with parental consent or over 18), and either sex. I would be willing to help out with travel costs to my home and you would be more than welcome to stay at my house with a friend of yours.
This time the compassion of the images will be slightly different, but you will always have the last word on what you are happy to do.
The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect, as well as the wonderful people who nominated them selves. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how grateful I am for the models co-operation. All models will need to sign a model release form.
I am telling you all about the book and my hopes for the future as I would like to ask if anyone would want to take part? I want to show all aspects of self-harm and mental health issues, not just scars or tears or meds. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for those around you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.
I am hoping to get moving as soon as possible, so if you have some free time over the summer and fancy a trip to Cambridge, please e-mail and we can work something out!
Feel free to contact me, Indigo.Clouds.Imagery[@]Gmail[.]com

self harm image book.

Hey, my name is Jo. I am 24 and I live in Cambridge UK

I'm doing a fine arts degree, BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University. I'm in my first year but I have worked as a photographer previously.

For my major project this year I am studying self harm. Its something I have worked with before and personal experience of.

I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI, yet at the same time offers people who dont understand it a chance to see how it affects people.

I decided that I didnt simply want the photos up on a wall as they were too private. So I am putting together a book. It wont be published, I will only make a handful of copys. It will be A4/5 size and each page will have 2 or 3 images on. Along with that will be a very small amount of text that's either commentory from me, statistics or quotes taken from the small questionair I have asked my models to fill in.

The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how greatful I am for the models co-operation.

I am telling you all about the book as I would like to ask if anyone would like to take part? I want to show all aspects of self harm, not just scars or tears. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for thoes arond you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.

I wonder how you might feel about helping me acheve that?

Models will need to be over 16 and have permission from parents if under 18. You will need to live in the UK and be avaliable for a photoshoot as soon as possiable. Models are not paid but I can help with traveling costs, offer you and a friend food/a bed for the night and you will have an opertunity to buy a copy of the book when finished if you would like.

I am needing people as quick as possiable as the project needs to finish in the next 4/5 weeks and some models backed out. That said, if you do offer, you will be under no pressure to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Even if that means you getting here and changing your mind. If you are interested I can show you some images I already have to see what you think. Feel free to pass this on to friends you think may be interested.

I hope this post isnt inapropreate, feel free to remove it. x-posted to other self harm communities.

You can leave messages here or you can e mail me at GumChewingFreak[@]Gmail[.]com

Thank you for reading, have a safe day xx xx

new but not.

I use to be on here but lost track of myself and disappeared. I was ___wastingpaint
Im 20 and i live in costa mesa CA, I go to college and its a hand full.
I use to cut when i was a senior in high school, but got treatment (hah).
Thats all i have to say about that.

In this net void of mass production Im hoping to find those who understand.

(no subject)

The unbanishable vermin within my personal universe refuse to discontinue their quest of completely demolishing any particle of self confidence or self love I once owned. For most of my life I believed you always had control of yourself and your mind as long as your will was strong enough, but as strong as my will is I cannot get the things which tell me I'm not donating anything to mankind to leave me behind and move on to another victim. My doctor never lets anyone come into his office it seems, and I'd rather not tell the nurse about my problems. I've never trusted nurses very much, they seem to gossip a bit much for my taste.

(no subject)

i havent written in here for so long...i havent even looked at here in so long..

so a little refresher for anyone who needs it..
I'm Tara. i recently turned 18 and im now in the last week of my first semester at college.
I started cutting at about 15..but right around the time i turned 16 it was really bad. after a few bad months, i was on and off.

and lately ive been off. but last night/this morning..i was so close to doing it.
and i honestly dont fully know why.

i know im stressed, im dying to go home and be with my besties and family and bf for a month
ive been fighting with my bf(we've been together for 14 months)
an ex first love has recently come into my life...well he told my bff how much he missed me and still loves me and what not.

the fight with my bf sucks. we're good, then we fight, then we're good again. and im tired of it. i just want to be good.
but its nothing that bad.

i hate myself for getting excited about my ex..and knowing i still have feelings for him...but i cant help it, your first love never goes away..
but again, its nothing that bad. he hasnt come to me, i havent had to face it.

ive been cut free since at least graduation..may 11th. thats AT LEAST 7 months.
idk why i almost broke it.

part of me just wants to so badly. i miss it i guess. it was so much easier to just bleed the pain out, bleed my emotions out..

but i dont want to. my life is so much better. i have nothing really bad going on. ive been so happy, and enjoying and loving my life more than i can remember for a long time at least.

i guess it never fully goes away. it wont be the end of the world if i give in, ill just go back to not doing it again i suppose.

i just dont want to fall again.

(no subject)

Hey everyone! It's been a long time since I've written in here, I honestly don't remember the last time.

Just a quick bio since probably know when knows/remembers me. My name is Courtney and I'm 18 now. I've been cutting on and off and on and off for about 3 years now. Actually it's probably almost exactly 3 years since I made my first cuts. I've gotten professional help once; I went on Zoloft for a few months and a counselor a couple times. It helped for the time being and I was so happy. Well, I was happy before that and I'm happy now that I'm not even on meds or seeing a counselor. My life has never been horrible. I have problems but no more than anyone else really. When I first began, a few people I knew did it. It seemed to be almost the new cool thing to do. I admit I started it then, but it has been three years alter and I still continue with it. So, I'm convinced that it's not just a fad. I've said many times, "This is the last time, I swear." It never is. I stopped saying that, now I believe I will be a cutter for the rest of my life. Even if I stop, I'll always be in recovery because you can relapse ANYTIME no matter how strong you are, there's always a possibility.

Like I said, I'm on and off with it. I don't do it every day or every week like some people do, not that that's a bad thing though! But I seem to let it go for a while and let things build up until I feel the time is right to do it again. I hadn't cut since about July. I had a wonderful boyfriend at the time, we've departed now for the better, but it was great while it lasted. I think we had gotten into a fight and I had emotions building up in me for a few months since the last time I had done it. I did not cut for him, I don't cut because someone makes me angry or sad. I don't cut because my boyfriend breaks up with me or because my parents discipline me. I cut because of a build up of emotions. So I did it the night we got into a fight, and I think part of the time he was on the phone with me, but he didn't know. SO it was about 5 months or so and I hadn't cut.

Until last night. The funny thing is, that my life is pretty damn good right now. I'm doing awesome in school, I'm going to Englanf this summer which has always been a dream of mine, I have plans with two of my best friends for graduation, plans to get an apartment with one of them and getting into college. But it seems that winter brings out the saddest in me. I've been happy but not. There's some sort of lonliness and depression that comes with winter, I don't know what it is. And there is a new boyfriend who has been causing me some stress and I guess a little sadness at times. Last night we were talking and he has this way of being mean and sarcastic, which is his personality and sense of humor, but sometimes I'm not sure if he really means it or if he just doesn't know. I think it was just like the last straw. I decided to cut last night. I went up to my room, got out my razor and sat down. I sat there for a few minutes not moving, alomst like I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not, but I knew I did. I cut on my thigh, pretty much the only place I can anymore without anyone noticing. It hurt so bad, and I find it amazing that cutting NEVER made me cry, ever. Yet, someone can break my heart and hurt me emotionally and I break down into a river. It bled pretty bad. I like seeing the blood though. Actually my favorite part is the scars afterwards. I often find myself staring at or rubbing over the scars on my wrist. Just three short strokes. But they were my first. I sat there for a while just staring at the gobs of blood on my leg before my phone started ringing and it was my best friend. I didn't tell her. I don't tell anyone. The last time someone new about me still doing it was probably 2 or more years ago. It's the only secret I keep to myself really. And I like it that way.

I don't think cutting is a good thing, but I don't think it's bad either. It's just a way to express your emotions. Whether you cut, or self injure in anyway, every day or once every couple months, it's a release. I sit there afterwards and feel so calm and collected. Anyone who does not SI will never understand what it's like. We can try to explain the reasons why, and what it feels like to us, but they will enver get it. Most don't want to, but even those that do try to understand will never fully grasp it.

So in a way, we are part of an elite army. Now, I don't know about you, but that makes me feel pretty damn special. And Beautiful.
  • Current Music
    The Grim Goodbye -- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus