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Lie to me [15 Jan 2007|12:20pm]

[ mood | angry ]

Here's a poem to describe how I feel right now...

Lie to me
Tell lies to me.
Unleash your venom
upon the pitiful victim.
Show me how small
and worthless I am.
Go on, lie to me.

Put fault upon me
for all that goes wrong.
When your Empire
crumbles to the ground,
I'm responsible, really.
Yes, place blame on me.

Be abusive, verbally.
Scream all you like.
I'm dimwitted and slow
(According to you,
that is, dear sir),
so come on, abuse me.

Embarrass me publicly.
Tell others about my
great many flaws,
and how I never
listen or learn.
Oh, humiliate me.

Make yourself feel better,
and reveal your wrath.
But here's the real story:
You're the loser, the unlikable one.
You're the small, scared fuck up.
But, be my guest, and lie to me.

8 ][ give me sanity

jealous [11 Jan 2007|11:07pm]

i just found out that my husband's friend's fiancee is pregnant.

i'm happy for them; don't get me wrong.

i just wish it was me.

especially since she already has a baby... i actually had the thought "she already has one; what about the rest of us???" lol
give me sanity

i hate you. [29 Dec 2006|12:08am]


heres a letter to the guy who broke my heart:

i dont know about you darling, but i was being serious.

give me sanity

[02 Dec 2006|10:34pm]


 what is wrong with me?

heres my story:

two years ago, my friend started going out with this guy.  He was soo nice and sweet and everyone was jealous of her.
They broke up, and the next year we liked each other for a while, but someone who i THOUGHT was my friend convinced him that I didn't like him, even though i did.  So instead, he asked my best friend out.  They dated for a few months and it really pissed me off because I still liked him.  Then they broke up and we started going out.  We were only together for a few weeks before he dumped me.  I still liked him and he liked me, but when he asked me out again I said no because it was bothering me.  Then school let out and I didn't see him until late July, when we hooked up.  He said he really liked me but he didn't ask me out.  He didn't tell me why.  Then I had this huge party and he still liked me, but he met my best friend there and started to like her, even though they'd just met.  His friend asked her out before he did, and i think he still liked me.
About a week later he called me and said he was moving, completely spontaneously.  He would be gone, basically forever, in two weeks.  I felt so horrible that I refused to think about it until the day before he left.  He came to my house and we talked for a while, but it was really akward.  I was still basically obsessed with him then, and I stayed that way, even after he moved.

Then he started calling me and saying the reason he didnt ask me out before is because he knew he was going to move and all this other stuff.  He said he still liked me and he missed me a lot.  He visited in October but I didn't get to see him.  He's not visiting again until March.
I thought he liked me until about a week before he came to visit, when he started calling my best friend - his ex - and asking her if she would go out with him while he visited.  She never answered him, and I was insanely jealous.
She didn't get to see him when he came, either.

For like a month and a half after he went back, he called me every day.  He hasn't called me in about three weeks, and i'm not going to call him.  I used to think I would never get over him, and then I did.
I'm just so mad that I let myself get that attached to one person.  When he left, it felt like my world fell apart, and I was no one without him.
There were just so many things I never had the chance to say.  I confessed everything right before he stopped calling me and He didn't seem surprised.
I HATE HIM now because I heard from one of my guy friends that he was saying really mean shit about me.  I can't believe I was so obsessed.  I hate him.
he really broke my heart.

The thing is, I've tried to tell my best friend, and she won't hear it.
Everyone I go to doesn't understand/tells me to get over him.
And I was.
I was actually relieved he stopped calling, because I was near the point of telling him to.
Until today.
I've been thinking about him like crazy and I dont know why.  Other guys have liked me this year but I don't care at all, because none of them are like him, there's no one the same, no one I could ever want as much.

I wish this could stop hurting.
every day I feel stupid for buying into all of his shit after everyone told me the truth about him.

I've been thinking about this one guy who everyone says likes me, and I might like.
I think.
But the thing is, I don't know.  I mean, i want to find someone who can make me feel the way he did, but I can't.
Theres no one else like him in the world.
and dealing with that is so much more difficult than it is to lie and tell people no, I don't think about him, and yes, i regret everything.
its so much harder than it is to tell people i dont care.

1 ][ give me sanity

my first post here, but i have had a VERY long week [02 Dec 2006|08:29pm]


haha.  serves you right.

i mean, ever heard of the word karma?  you once did the same to me.  you didn't expect it to go back around?
maybe its just a coincidence that you acted that way to me, and now three years later, here i am.  and what's happening to you?  yeah.

you're out of your mind.  you're embarrassing to be seen with.  and yet you're shocked that i dont want to be considered a part of you?  a part of your life?  ugh!  and all you can do is blame it on everyone else.

we hate YOU.  not HER.  SHE didnt tell US to hate YOU.  we're perfectly fucking capable of free thought, thanks.

it feels so good to wash my hands of you.

give me sanity

I Shall NOT be Moved!! (^_^) [29 Nov 2006|04:09am]

[ mood | determined ]

:16 am - I Shall NOT be Moved!! (^_^)
Tonight I had just had it. I finally stood up for myself rather than pissing and moaning about it here on LJ we know drama. Weiner gave out my cell number *without* my permission. His little *****word has been removed due to offensive "slang" by me on 11/29/06****friend called my damn phone TEN TIMES in the vicinity of 6:41pm -11:30pm. I picked up the phone and just let him hear the sternest riot acts he's probably ever heard. (btw->the guys name is Sean.) I said something along the lines of this..."Gary doesn't live here anymore. I would ask that you refrain from calling my phone again and again day after day. I have your voicemails and your call record saved. This is a warning, if you should choose to not ahed and respect it, you will find the local authorities knocking upon your door. And if you don't believe me and think I am bluffing go ahead and fucking try me. The police already know about Gary and the restraining order I had against him.

Then, I called Gary and told him it would be most wise if his friends ceased calling me all together. I told him that this made him look bad. He yelled at me. I said well I dont see why you are getting so defensive Gary, I am simply telling you what is going on. And you need to know that I will NOT put up with your bullshit, nor you're henchman's bull shit. I am sick and tired of you and your low life idiot friends that lack so much intellegence they feel the need to resort to crime and violence to make their money. I actually told him I would preffer he hung out with the creepin s at this point. LOOOOOOOOL. So now the word can go out, and weiners gonna be so upset. Weiner's friends are now going to be like oh shit, we dont wanna deal with the cops fuck that man. And I will get my fucking peace and quiet. To have their dicks dipped in honey near a bee hive I tell you. It will be a LONG fucking time before I trust men other than my love.

I think this was a Biiig move for me. I stood up for myself for once. I am getting my back bone back. And no fucking man is going to control me or intimidate me anymore. I am EMPOWERED HAH! Take that ASSHOLE!!! SHAAAAWWWING. Yeah...so..anyways, it felt good. I am glad I can go into my 28th year of life with a new found confidence. When my man does come along, I at least know he appreciates the fact I have my own mind.

I have standards damn it!!! I won't stand for a man who won't take me to see Phantom Of The Opera, and then discuss my fav topics while strolling through a city park in a carriage (^_^)

1 ][ give me sanity

So Hard To Admit... [29 Nov 2006|04:05am]

[ mood | lonely ]

Why is it so hard for me to admit I am broken? It's like I want to deny it..pretend like it never happened..it is such betrayal I suppose ...I feel just like that. I am hurt, and scared and quick to think everyone is against me..I was so used to it for years...
I guess I really need to admit that this isn't going smoothly at all..I am battling such severe depression..it is seemingly overwhelming me. Ever since gary has been gone, I know damn well what I have been doing. beating myself senseless. And everyone knows me...how I hate admitting things I do wrong. So I am seriously considering talking to a doctor to MAYYYBEEE go on anti depressants. Only thing is, I am worried it would interfere with phscycic abilities though.

It is just becoming so much..there are days when I want to get out of my bed..where I view the beautiful vivid blue sky from my bedroom telling myself I have to get up but...cannot find the means to do so. Sometimes, I will have finally gotten dressed and put on my "mask" and my make up, and the sun will have already gone down..how fucking depressing.

This seems especially true since my surgery I had in October, seem to feel even MORE depressed if that's possible. Of course, the stuff they had me doped up on masked it well...but I hated being so out of it. Wow.. lol I'm too fucking depressed to write anymore. Bleh. If anyone has messenger or aim feel free to message me

current mood: Broken

1 ][ give me sanity

Thankful for... what again? [24 Nov 2006|04:59am]

[ mood | frustrated ]

So hard to be thankful in a year fraught with crisis. 2 weeks ago my best friends son attempted suicide. He failed so we are thankful of that, but all too aware of the elements that led up to it.  

But when I have needed help it simply wasn't there.  I have in the last year been repaid in betrayal.  I helped someone I thought to be a friend only to have her cost me my apt.  Something I still haven't recovered from.  

And while I have any number of friends who would help if they could they simply aren't in any position to do so...

So I spend this day, during which others are with family and I am not with mine, trying very hard to be less resentful let alone thankful.  Resentful of my own shortcomings, of those who take advantage of my compassion (which I refuse to number among my shortcomings) and the lack of any source of help that doesn't essentially stop to remind you are shit for needing it.

I suppose I can be thankful I am alive to endure all this... but somehow that seems a rather hollow victory.

Oh well... maybe next year.  Besides... the day isn't over yet.  Maybe I will get an early Christmas miracle.  The gods will drop a benefactor in my lap... LOL

give me sanity

[19 Nov 2006|07:45pm]

[ mood | pensive ]

User Name: Wytchcat
Name: Rebecca
Birthdate/Age: May 8th, 1967 (39)
Interests: The list is long... go read it, if you like.

Favorite things: Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens... you know the usual stuff.. oh and SARCASM!

Can we friend your personal journals? You may... but please be aware that I filter occasionally due to legal reasons.

And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: I am a snide, sarcastic, good hearted person. It makes life a real bitch.

Mostly just saying hello here, with a small rant tossed in to the mix.

First let me say, I LOVE LJ. I have for years. If you go back and read my journal you will see it was for a long time my main place to vent my frustrations.

Normally I am the person who others vent to, in their times of angst. And that is fine but it doesn't leave a lot of room for self venting. And I like to hear myself type! LOL.

But through a rather drastic lesson in internet confidenitality or the lack there of, I was taught that LJ and blogs like it can and do get used in the courts on a fairly basic level (although not a criminial one, in my case).

So I use filters and such... which I HATE! I am a beleiver in "Live life outloud" but for now... I don't. And that pisses me off to a HUGE extent.

If you want to see what is behind a filter send me an email. I will add folks on a case by case basis.

And be careful.

give me sanity

GOING CRAZY [17 Nov 2006|06:57pm]

I have to get all this thinking/feeling stuff off my chest.

I can't control my eating and it's affecting other areas. I'm reading a book on philosophical counseling, and he made the point that church dogma, that it's the authority of the church leaders and the church's "experience" that tell you how to live, which is fine if you want to live under that authority. However, you can find philosophical insights that work for you and live by those. I don't enjoy driving because I get so anxious, and then I realized that I don't have to indulge those anxious feelings, and today I was driving and I felt much different. Very helpful. I imagined my friend sitting next to me saying, "Don't Indulge It!!" It helped. The other thing is this - why do Protestants say the Catholic Church is a Pagan Whore? That's harsh. And uncareful choice of words.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming more heavenly or more hellish. How can a person tell which way he is heading? It's sorta scary to think I could be becoming more hellish. I'm taking this from CS Lewis' Mere Christianity.

The other thing I need to get off my chest is that when my parents eat it bugs me a lot and I have not figured out how to cope with it except by leaving the room or plugging my ears. I need suggestions.

Ummmmm.... Why does it seem like Jesus is always standing or hovering right above my head and I feel like I'm being watched all the time but nothing ever comes crashing down on my head? I'm confused. It's like a paradox - Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so... and at the same time He warns people of impending doom throughout the Gospels. How do you deal with that? This is a frightening, dangerous libertarian universe we live in. How can one bear it?
give me sanity

Help me [09 Oct 2006|03:28pm]

I ditched a man that I was completely infatuated with to be with a man that I thought would make me happy. Someone who wanted to be with me for who I am and not for what I could do for him.

He's not. He only wants me because I make him look better. I can take care of him because of my medical background. I look good for his family, because they think he can't take care of himself. Well...he can't. He is too needy and clingy. I hate it and I love that he knows what I need before I need it. He will rub my feet and my back (mega back pain). He will jump up to get what ever I want. But I don't want him.

What I need is what I gave up in the first man. A man who is independant and wants me when he wants me, not when I want him, which is what I want for myself. He doesn't call me all the time and he doesn't hound me about what we are going to be doing, since we only really did one thing.

I want what I don't have and have what I don't want. I want to scream and cry because I only have myself to blame for losing what I want and having what I should want, but don't. I know that stupid saying, "you can't have your cake and eat it too." If that's the case, I wish someone would take away the cake so I can't see it, thus I would hope, eventually, I wouldn't want it either. I know...I will still want him and it's gonna tear me up that I gave him up for something I don't want.
give me sanity

[08 Oct 2006|12:47am]
I used to be a member here, under a different name... this is my ranty, angsty LJ. I had to leave before because a friend found it. I came back tonight because.. I have nowhere else to go. I tried kidshelpphone. I hang up every time the message warns about how some kids call in emergencies. How you shouldn't bother them on pranks. I'm crying, I'm dying, and there's no fucking reason. There's no fucking reason at all. I'm tearing apart and I don't know why. I don't fucking know why.

I'm so messed up it's not even funny. I can't sleep. When I do, I have nightmares. I have to deal with family tomorrow. God, I don't think I can do it...
3 ][ give me sanity

[26 Sep 2006|12:39am]

User Name: andicantwakeup
Name: Laura
Birthdate/Age: November 25th. 18.
Interests: acoustic guitar, traveling
Favorite things: University of Delaware, the weekend, sleeping!
Can we friend your personal journals? nah. i really don't use it much, anyway.
And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know. not really.

Mkay, I feel like some junior highschool girl writing this, but its how im feeling now and my best friend is currently asleep and i just need to get this out. im sorry if this sounds dumb, vapid and shallow. My boyfriend keeps ditching me/ sending me mixed signals/ not acting like my boyfriend at all and its driving me crazy.

I started "seeing" this guy unoficially back in late april. He lived across the hall from me in my dorm all year, but i was in a long term relationship until a few months before i started seeing him. then, we started hanging out more and more and it was wonderful and we started "hooking up" or whatever for the rest of the semester. it was super convinenient because he seriously lived 15 steps away from me. at the time i didnt want a relationship bc i had just gotten out of a long, emotionally draining one. also, we live about an hour from eachother and were both working full time during the summer, so we decided a "realationship" would be crazy annoying. Over the summer, though, i saw him 4 times, 3 of which we spent the whole weekend together. i took him to my cousins wedding and everyone loved him...it was great. i couldn't wait to get back to school so we could spend more time together.

school started a month ago, we were "hooking up" again for a bit, then 2 weekends ago we decided it would be official. woohoo and all that. he lives on the other side of campus from me now, so its a bit annoying to see him, but we get dinner with our friends every night and on tuesdays hed come over after dinner to my room while my roommate was in class so we could actually be alone and blahblahblah. so that was all fine and dandy until i started feeling ditched. the weekend before last was great, we spent both nights together. friday was lovely. all our friends got together in his room for a game of kings, then went out to a pretty fun party. my roommate was away for the weekend, so he spent the night with me. the next morning we all went to the diner for brunch. saturday our friends all got together and watched a movie and hung out for a bit, trying to decide where to go. he and his roommate refused to come watch the movie, but came later, only to go to a party without the rest of us. much later in the night they showed up at the party that everyone else went to- and he barely paid attention to me. it was getting late- about 3am and we all really wanted to go but some bullshit dispute over beer pong came up. i desprately wanted to leave, but i wasnt going to walk back home alone. its not safe. one of my guy friends told my boyfriend to walk me home, but he wouldnt. i asked him if he was staying over with me, he said no. the next morning, sunday, we always go to church, then brunch in the dining hall. he didnt show up. i called him, his cell phone went right to voicemail. i figured he overslept.

after church, i called to see if he and his roommate were going to brunch. i got both their voicemails right away. hmm. at about 2 i get a text message from him saying "sorry i didnt wake up".
Tuesday nights a comedian comes and does a show on campus for free. we usually went last semester, weve gone to all of them so far this semester. theyre fun. earlier i asked him if we were going tomorrow. hes all "no. im not in the mood". so i try to joke with him by saying "pssh. who isn't in the mood for a comedian". response: "idk. me. now".

sorry that was so stupid and long. i sound so immature. i just needed to vent. i apologize, again.
im just hurt that he paid no attention to me the other night and has been acting shady and ditching me. hes such a nice guy, i dont know why hes acting like an ass lately.

give me sanity

Why can't I just..... [19 Sep 2006|02:20pm]
User ID: my_alter_ego_2
Name: Heather
Birthday: Oct 12 (33)
Interests: depends on the day
Favorite Things: my boxer, a down filled duvet on a cold night, earl grey tea
Can You Friend My Personal Journal: sure...knock yourselves out. The more the merrier.

Why the hell do I have to always keep such a tight reign on what I'm thinking and feeling? What the heck am I afraid of? I think it would be so liberating to just emote....but I can't bring myself to do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm fiercely independent...but I generally do my own thing quietly, albeit intensely. That's how I live my life. It's like trying to keep a cyclone in a bottle. Not an easy feat, but I've got a death grip on my control. Why??? That's the $64 thousand dollar question.

Ugh...fed up and need to change, but unsure how. Deathly afraid of what the consequences would be if I just let loose. I'm not even talking about just standing up and yelling. I'm talking about being completely authentic to who I am inside. No, that's not even it. I like to think I'm authentic. It's more that I don't share what's inside. Too scared. I have to realize that we all have our dark sides.
give me sanity

A Reasonable drama queen...^_~ [03 Sep 2006|03:35am]

User Name: pissedlocovirgo
Name: Veronica
Birthdate/Age: August 30, 1985 (21)
Interests: anime, sketching, writing, listening to music, collectin crap, video gamin, readin manga
Favorite things: food, naughty topics, hentai, wall scrolls, RPG games, crystals, Eastern Philosophy
Can we friend your personal journals? Sure. This IS my personal (venting) journal, actualy. Teh other is roni0885
And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: I'm a glittery and dramatic attention whore, but I'm quite reasonable. I won't start shit just to have shit. I usually get upset and wild for a valid reason. I love to write....can write my azz off until my wrists lock up (ask my bf....i wrote him an e mail that took me 4 hrs to write). Oh yeah...and I'm crazy. Wheee!! ^_^
1 ][ give me sanity

First Timer [02 Sep 2006|12:54am]

[ mood | awake ]

User Name: Im_is_a_zombie
Name: Kathleen...most call me Kat
Birthdate/Age: 19
Interests: Body modification, swimming, hiking, body piercing
Favorite things: my car, Coheed and cambria, my ipod, my camera
Can we friend your personal journals?: Hell yeah, go for it
And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: My journal is a place that I rant a lot, but I'm new to livejournal and all that so I figured I'd make friends! W00t!

4 ][ give me sanity

another new member [25 Aug 2006|10:14pm]

[ mood | bored ]

My real name is Stephanie, but even a few friends outside of LJ call me Ruby. It's the hair. I like it red most of the time.
Birthdate/Age: 7/10 is my birthday and I'm 33
Interests: I would have an easier time telling you what's not an interest. I'm always curious about everything, and I tend to jump around them a lot. I'm very into all kinds of different music, fitness, video games, movies, and reading and writing.
Favorite things: Writing, gardening, and sex. Not always in that order.
Can we friend your personal journals? Sure. There is only one. But I'm a very outspoken liberal, so not everyone is going to want to.
And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: Yes, actually I have a question. Is it okay to make my rants in here friends only sometimes? I know a lot of communities want their posts public so people can get an idea of what they are about. Unfortunately, as much as I love to rant, sometimes I have to filter it. There are people from work and other areas of my life who don't find it at all creepy or pathetic to follow me around online reading the things I post. And since they are people who wouldn't give me the time of day in real life, I'd rather not let them in on anything personal. I of course wouldn't always need to post it for friends only. I don't do that in my own journal. I just get a little skeeved out knowing they like to read it and think it's a secret.

give me sanity

My intro and breakout [19 Aug 2006|01:20am]

User Name: deviate1982
Name: Mel
Birthdate/Age: Jan 18, 1982/24
Interests: Music, art, sociopaths, everything.
Favorite things: MP3 player, crayons and paper, and i'm not sure what else
Can we friend your personal journals? If you really want to.
And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: I have Borderline Personality Disorder with early signs of Dissociative disorder...I'm on Paxil..but over all just an emotional wreck! Help!

I'm really glad I found this community, because I have so many things going on in my life. I'm 24 I have a husband and three kids. They're my life and joy. But I've always been depressed and unstable before they came into my life. I've been date raped, my mother was a controlling person, my dad is schizophrenic...and all of these things I believe affected how I lived my life. I will eventually "get more off my chest" because I'm trying to give myself therapy or something.

So today, this guy who is my "boss" who I also considered an acquaintance, makes a move on me. I think that we've had a little connection built over the past few months, but only because we're married and we live the same old lives day in and day out. I think that the connection became a fantasy and tried to become a reality. He's not even somebody I consider attractive or who's personality was charismatic. He's just a friendly guy. WE've been somewhat flirtatious, but only because I knew he was attracted to me. I used that to my advantage when I came in late to work and what not. So, we would just say comments to joke around... well.. he's always calling me sexy..and of course.. i just say thanks or whatever. and today i was telling him that i wanted to jump on him. Okay, that's a bit much, but that's my fault because I partially meant it and said it to find out what his response would be. WEll, he asked me to go into his office.. i followed later and he wanted to "eat me out." alright, so I teased him and sat on his desk, but moved back to the chair....and then from there it was back and forth of me saying "no, we're married." and him just trying to push the issue cuz he wanted a piece of me. I understand.. but he finally advanced towards me.. and he rubbed my legs and kissed my neck while I was sitting in the chair. He tells me he really wants to please me.. at this point I want to say yes, but I think about my family and I say no. I feel guilty.. and even though I kind of fed him some ideas, I wish he didn't try to make a move. I'm supposedly the first woman he's done this to, while married. Whatever. I don't believe it, but I guess it's just a trust issue. I really thought I could trust him as a friend, but now i know he's just another guy. He really really pushed the issue. I just wish I could have walked out the door sooner. I tried and he shut it..
give me sanity

[02 Aug 2006|06:25pm]

User Name: Padrooga 
Name: Drea
Birthdate/Age: July 7th/ 1986 (20)
Interests: Music (listening and playing), gay rights, psychology, art, reading, learning.
Favorite things: My girlfriend (haha), my cat
Can we friend your personal journals? If you like random prattlings, go right ahead! Just comment and you'll be added :)
And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: I hate offending people. I'm a lesbian. Uhh.. I'm sure there is more, I just can't think of anything.
give me sanity

[25 Jul 2006|07:25pm]

I may use this community from time to time. It's good to get things off your chest!
give me sanity

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