evil faery

Lie to me

Here's a poem to describe how I feel right now...

Lie to me
Tell lies to me.
Unleash your venom
upon the pitiful victim.
Show me how small
and worthless I am.
Go on, lie to me.

Put fault upon me
for all that goes wrong.
When your Empire
crumbles to the ground,
I'm responsible, really.
Yes, place blame on me.

Be abusive, verbally.
Scream all you like.
I'm dimwitted and slow
(According to you,
that is, dear sir),
so come on, abuse me.

Embarrass me publicly.
Tell others about my
great many flaws,
and how I never
listen or learn.
Oh, humiliate me.

Make yourself feel better,
and reveal your wrath.
But here's the real story:
You're the loser, the unlikable one.
You're the small, scared fuck up.
But, be my guest, and lie to me.
  • Current Mood
    angry angry

jealous

i just found out that my husband's friend's fiancee is pregnant.

i'm happy for them; don't get me wrong.

i just wish it was me.

especially since she already has a baby... i actually had the thought "she already has one; what about the rest of us???" lol

(no subject)

 what is wrong with me?

heres my story:

two years ago, my friend started going out with this guy.  He was soo nice and sweet and everyone was jealous of her.
They broke up, and the next year we liked each other for a while, but someone who i THOUGHT was my friend convinced him that I didn't like him, even though i did.  So instead, he asked my best friend out.  They dated for a few months and it really pissed me off because I still liked him.  Then they broke up and we started going out.  We were only together for a few weeks before he dumped me.  I still liked him and he liked me, but when he asked me out again I said no because it was bothering me.  Then school let out and I didn't see him until late July, when we hooked up.  He said he really liked me but he didn't ask me out.  He didn't tell me why.  Then I had this huge party and he still liked me, but he met my best friend there and started to like her, even though they'd just met.  His friend asked her out before he did, and i think he still liked me.
About a week later he called me and said he was moving, completely spontaneously.  He would be gone, basically forever, in two weeks.  I felt so horrible that I refused to think about it until the day before he left.  He came to my house and we talked for a while, but it was really akward.  I was still basically obsessed with him then, and I stayed that way, even after he moved.

Then he started calling me and saying the reason he didnt ask me out before is because he knew he was going to move and all this other stuff.  He said he still liked me and he missed me a lot.  He visited in October but I didn't get to see him.  He's not visiting again until March.
I thought he liked me until about a week before he came to visit, when he started calling my best friend - his ex - and asking her if she would go out with him while he visited.  She never answered him, and I was insanely jealous.
She didn't get to see him when he came, either.

For like a month and a half after he went back, he called me every day.  He hasn't called me in about three weeks, and i'm not going to call him.  I used to think I would never get over him, and then I did.
I'm just so mad that I let myself get that attached to one person.  When he left, it felt like my world fell apart, and I was no one without him.
There were just so many things I never had the chance to say.  I confessed everything right before he stopped calling me and He didn't seem surprised.
I HATE HIM now because I heard from one of my guy friends that he was saying really mean shit about me.  I can't believe I was so obsessed.  I hate him.
he really broke my heart.

The thing is, I've tried to tell my best friend, and she won't hear it.
Everyone I go to doesn't understand/tells me to get over him.
And I was.
I was actually relieved he stopped calling, because I was near the point of telling him to.
Until today.
I've been thinking about him like crazy and I dont know why.  Other guys have liked me this year but I don't care at all, because none of them are like him, there's no one the same, no one I could ever want as much.

I wish this could stop hurting.
every day I feel stupid for buying into all of his shit after everyone told me the truth about him.


I've been thinking about this one guy who everyone says likes me, and I might like.
I think.
But the thing is, I don't know.  I mean, i want to find someone who can make me feel the way he did, but I can't.
Theres no one else like him in the world.
and dealing with that is so much more difficult than it is to lie and tell people no, I don't think about him, and yes, i regret everything.
its so much harder than it is to tell people i dont care.

my first post here, but i have had a VERY long week

haha.  serves you right.

i mean, ever heard of the word karma?  you once did the same to me.  you didn't expect it to go back around?
maybe its just a coincidence that you acted that way to me, and now three years later, here i am.  and what's happening to you?  yeah.

you're out of your mind.  you're embarrassing to be seen with.  and yet you're shocked that i dont want to be considered a part of you?  a part of your life?  ugh!  and all you can do is blame it on everyone else.

IT'S YOUR FAULT.  NOT HERS.
we hate YOU.  not HER.  SHE didnt tell US to hate YOU.  we're perfectly fucking capable of free thought, thanks.

it feels so good to wash my hands of you.

I Shall NOT be Moved!! (^_^)

:16 am - I Shall NOT be Moved!! (^_^)
Tonight I had just had it. I finally stood up for myself rather than pissing and moaning about it here on LJ we know drama. Weiner gave out my cell number *without* my permission. His little *****word has been removed due to offensive "slang" by me on 11/29/06****friend called my damn phone TEN TIMES in the vicinity of 6:41pm -11:30pm. I picked up the phone and just let him hear the sternest riot acts he's probably ever heard. (btw->the guys name is Sean.) I said something along the lines of this..."Gary doesn't live here anymore. I would ask that you refrain from calling my phone again and again day after day. I have your voicemails and your call record saved. This is a warning, if you should choose to not ahed and respect it, you will find the local authorities knocking upon your door. And if you don't believe me and think I am bluffing go ahead and fucking try me. The police already know about Gary and the restraining order I had against him.

Then, I called Gary and told him it would be most wise if his friends ceased calling me all together. I told him that this made him look bad. He yelled at me. I said well I dont see why you are getting so defensive Gary, I am simply telling you what is going on. And you need to know that I will NOT put up with your bullshit, nor you're henchman's bull shit. I am sick and tired of you and your low life idiot friends that lack so much intellegence they feel the need to resort to crime and violence to make their money. I actually told him I would preffer he hung out with the creepin s at this point. LOOOOOOOOL. So now the word can go out, and weiners gonna be so upset. Weiner's friends are now going to be like oh shit, we dont wanna deal with the cops fuck that man. And I will get my fucking peace and quiet. To have their dicks dipped in honey near a bee hive I tell you. It will be a LONG fucking time before I trust men other than my love.

I think this was a Biiig move for me. I stood up for myself for once. I am getting my back bone back. And no fucking man is going to control me or intimidate me anymore. I am EMPOWERED HAH! Take that ASSHOLE!!! SHAAAAWWWING. Yeah...so..anyways, it felt good. I am glad I can go into my 28th year of life with a new found confidence. When my man does come along, I at least know he appreciates the fact I have my own mind.

I have standards damn it!!! I won't stand for a man who won't take me to see Phantom Of The Opera, and then discuss my fav topics while strolling through a city park in a carriage (^_^)
  • Current Mood
    determined determined

So Hard To Admit...

Why is it so hard for me to admit I am broken? It's like I want to deny it..pretend like it never happened..it is such betrayal I suppose ...I feel just like that. I am hurt, and scared and quick to think everyone is against me..I was so used to it for years...
I guess I really need to admit that this isn't going smoothly at all..I am battling such severe depression..it is seemingly overwhelming me. Ever since gary has been gone, I know damn well what I have been doing. beating myself senseless. And everyone knows me...how I hate admitting things I do wrong. So I am seriously considering talking to a doctor to MAYYYBEEE go on anti depressants. Only thing is, I am worried it would interfere with phscycic abilities though.

It is just becoming so much..there are days when I want to get out of my bed..where I view the beautiful vivid blue sky from my bedroom telling myself I have to get up but...cannot find the means to do so. Sometimes, I will have finally gotten dressed and put on my "mask" and my make up, and the sun will have already gone down..how fucking depressing.


This seems especially true since my surgery I had in October, seem to feel even MORE depressed if that's possible. Of course, the stuff they had me doped up on masked it well...but I hated being so out of it. Wow.. lol I'm too fucking depressed to write anymore. Bleh. If anyone has messenger or aim feel free to message me

current mood: Broken
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely

Thankful for... what again?

So hard to be thankful in a year fraught with crisis. 2 weeks ago my best friends son attempted suicide. He failed so we are thankful of that, but all too aware of the elements that led up to it.  

But when I have needed help it simply wasn't there.  I have in the last year been repaid in betrayal.  I helped someone I thought to be a friend only to have her cost me my apt.  Something I still haven't recovered from.  

And while I have any number of friends who would help if they could they simply aren't in any position to do so...

So I spend this day, during which others are with family and I am not with mine, trying very hard to be less resentful let alone thankful.  Resentful of my own shortcomings, of those who take advantage of my compassion (which I refuse to number among my shortcomings) and the lack of any source of help that doesn't essentially stop to remind you are shit for needing it.

I suppose I can be thankful I am alive to endure all this... but somehow that seems a rather hollow victory.

Oh well... maybe next year.  Besides... the day isn't over yet.  Maybe I will get an early Christmas miracle.  The gods will drop a benefactor in my lap... LOL
  • Current Music
    Radio

(no subject)

User Name: Wytchcat
Name: Rebecca
Birthdate/Age: May 8th, 1967 (39)
Interests: The list is long... go read it, if you like.

Favorite things: Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens... you know the usual stuff.. oh and SARCASM!

Can we friend your personal journals? You may... but please be aware that I filter occasionally due to legal reasons.

And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: I am a snide, sarcastic, good hearted person. It makes life a real bitch.

Mostly just saying hello here, with a small rant tossed in to the mix.

First let me say, I LOVE LJ. I have for years. If you go back and read my journal you will see it was for a long time my main place to vent my frustrations.

Normally I am the person who others vent to, in their times of angst. And that is fine but it doesn't leave a lot of room for self venting. And I like to hear myself type! LOL.

But through a rather drastic lesson in internet confidenitality or the lack there of, I was taught that LJ and blogs like it can and do get used in the courts on a fairly basic level (although not a criminial one, in my case).

So I use filters and such... which I HATE! I am a beleiver in "Live life outloud" but for now... I don't. And that pisses me off to a HUGE extent.

If you want to see what is behind a filter send me an email. I will add folks on a case by case basis.

And be careful.
  • Current Music
    80's retro flashback

GOING CRAZY

I have to get all this thinking/feeling stuff off my chest.

I can't control my eating and it's affecting other areas. I'm reading a book on philosophical counseling, and he made the point that church dogma, that it's the authority of the church leaders and the church's "experience" that tell you how to live, which is fine if you want to live under that authority. However, you can find philosophical insights that work for you and live by those. I don't enjoy driving because I get so anxious, and then I realized that I don't have to indulge those anxious feelings, and today I was driving and I felt much different. Very helpful. I imagined my friend sitting next to me saying, "Don't Indulge It!!" It helped. The other thing is this - why do Protestants say the Catholic Church is a Pagan Whore? That's harsh. And uncareful choice of words.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming more heavenly or more hellish. How can a person tell which way he is heading? It's sorta scary to think I could be becoming more hellish. I'm taking this from CS Lewis' Mere Christianity.

The other thing I need to get off my chest is that when my parents eat it bugs me a lot and I have not figured out how to cope with it except by leaving the room or plugging my ears. I need suggestions.

Ummmmm.... Why does it seem like Jesus is always standing or hovering right above my head and I feel like I'm being watched all the time but nothing ever comes crashing down on my head? I'm confused. It's like a paradox - Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so... and at the same time He warns people of impending doom throughout the Gospels. How do you deal with that? This is a frightening, dangerous libertarian universe we live in. How can one bear it?