muid (muid) wrote in _getoffmychest,
muid
muid
_getoffmychest

User Name: muid
Name: stacey
Birthdate/Age: 25
Interests: hesitation
Favorite things: money, school, friends
Can we friend your personal journals? sure
And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: this is a new journal


I just broke up with this guy. messy break up. we dated for 6 weeks. yes 6 weeks, and for soem reason, I just can't stop thinking about him. I think about him all the time. I sometimes do things on purpose to make him think things. Usually when I break up with someone (as I did in this relationship) I get over it, I move on. Whatever.

But, I don't want to get back with him the relationship didn't work, I just miss him.

The other day I went to a party thing he was putting on, and he completely ignored me. Cold shoulder. I thought maybe he was just finding it hard to talk to me, but I relaized (and after talking with someone else about it) that he in fact was simply ignoring me! Duh! Yet I still think about him. I still think about what he's doing. Sometimes I miss him, the relationship, but not really. The relationship was bad! It was awful as in the bad out weighed the good. No good!

I feel like such a fucking loser/fool for going to the party. I have now started, instead of expressing how I feel and feeling like the girlfrind who never left him alone, started playing like I'm over him by not expressing anything anymore. And what I mean by expressing is that his office and my art studio are in the same building, so he sees everything I do. So now, I'm just not doing anything. Playing it like I usually do after a break up - acting like I'm not caring.

I always took the road of hiding how I felt, even if I felt I still had things to say. And so, this time with this relationship, I didn't shut up. I expressed everything and didn't care. I wanted to prove that I could see him at that party (as it was very hard to go down there) and say "ha! I can still be where you are even though it's awkward"...or something like that. I was just tired of hiding things. Tired of pretending like I don't have feelings, like I am over him, when I wasn't, or not.

But it only made me look like some weirdo. I feel like a loser. I was only trying to do it for the betterment, for the good. My intentions weren't to make it seem like I was being like Wayne's ex off of Wayne's World, my intentions were to just, I don't know, not feel stupid about how I really felt. Be loud about it, not hide it. But I'm regretting it. I wish I had just left  him alone when I ended it right off the bat.

See the thing is, he cheated on me, or so I thought. I foudn an e-mail and it said some things that were pretty racey. So I endded it. Yeah I shoudln't have read his stuff, but what can you do. Anyway, so after the break up, I still had access to his e-mails, and I kept trying to find out if he actually did it or not. So for like, 2 or 3 weeks after I broke up with him, I had access to them, and during that time, had been reading his e-mails, then sending him e-mails going back and forth about how I thought he did, then didn't etc. cause I kept looking at his e-mails and wasn't sure.  (I just didn't want him to get away with it) I should have just dropped it. But in one relationship where i just 'dropped it' was major, as I was raped and should have pressed charges. So it was kinda personal for me.

My friend says my ex should "realize what a great person he's lost," but you know, the last ex who said that to me (that I had lost a great person, as in losing him), turned out to be a real big loser for real.  So, this wasn't really any consolence.

I feel like this has gotten way out of hand. Like, I've never acted this way, as in, actually speaking it out loud, and it scares me to think I might actually be crazy. I keep thinking about he thinks I'm thinking about him, and he knows I'm thinking about him and how he's just annoyed and wants nothing to do with me. I feel so foolish. I think about how he knows I'm a freak, and is probably glad we aren't together etc.

The older I get, the stranger I become. I hate life sometimes. Mostly, I hate myself for doing this. I wish I could just forget the whole thing. I also spoke up about how I felt because in a prior break, the guy wouldn't leave me alone. As in, he spoke his mind about how he felt, kept in contact and I thought there was nothing wrong with it. While the break ups weren't for the same reasons, it made me think "yeah, why should one hide how they feel?" and respected it. That relationship ended well though. But for me this time, I think I'm just acting obsessive and I hate it. (Granted, the guy did seem obsessive too) but mostly right now, I just want it all to go away. I just want all my feelings, thoughts and emotions to go away. I don't know what I feel, think, or anything, I'm just so frustrated. I feel like a freak. Why can't I just let this go. Why can't I just get over this and move on.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 0 comments