tonberrycake (tonberrycake) wrote in _getoffmychest,

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Intro + rant

I find it odd - see, I just created this LiveJournal (I've been a member of the site for years, but I've moved between journals. Deleted my last one recently and created this new one today), and before anything else, even my first post in my own shiny new LJ, I'm posting in a community, a venting community. Strange.

So, the vitals:

User Name: tonberrycake
Name: Is it alright if I don't offer it? Just think of me as That Guy.
Birthdate/Age: 12-2-86, 21 years old.
Interests: Music, singing, anime, reality TV (some competitions, and some documentary stuff like The First 48 or MythBusters), video games, writing, CSI: New York, reading.
Favorite things: CSI: New York, numerous video games (Suikoden in particular), Dance Dance Revolution, Asian guys, pop music, discussing music, sleeping, and reading good fanfics.
Can we friend your personal journals?: The community itself? I suppose. The members? We'll see, I like to get to know people first.
And any additional information that you'd think we'd like to know: I talk, a lot. I'm also not much of a religious person (even though I believe in karma and realize it's kicking my ass) And I have a lot to get off my chest, and it all won't be covered in one entry, I can promise you that.

So! Let's get cracking, shall we?

Hmm, I've got a lot to cover in this one rant-entry alone, where to begin...

It's mainly a relationship-oriented thing: Friendships and love life-related. It's a long one, too. We'll start off with friendships.

I. Friendships

See, I used to make friends easily, at least online. I'd frequent a few message boards and get to know some pretty cool people sometimes. I'd have plenty of frends, but never people I could hang out with. I'm not a hang-out person, mainly because I haven't had anyone to hang out with. I moved a lot during my school years and lost a lot of friends in the process, never had many really close friends, things at home were always really bad and hectic and it stuck to me and made me start turning people away. And then people started turning me away simply for being quiet, shy and reserved. I could just be minding my own business and they'd hit me, push me, say all this crap and I'd be the one in trouble for retaliating and told to ignore it or get over it. I realize people can be assholes and do that shit, but it still frustrates me.

Then I started getting very depressed (partly over my lack of a love life, which I'll get to shortly), and turning to the friends I had online for help. None of their advice seemed like a good solution, the advice seemed generic and thoughtless, and people started turning away from me as well when things got bad. I couldn't blame some of them, since I didn't take the best attitude in those times. Some of them though took the route of "Your insecurity and depression is annoying and pissing me off and I'm sick of being there for you". But then the ones who still did care, it felt like they were never there when I needed them, or they were fine and happy and content and I was feeling extremely jealous and unwilling to take their advice. Some of us just drifted apart.

These days my standards for having friends are pretty high. Hell, I'll even turn people away if they don't type properly. And where I live... making friends my own age, with similar interests, is not easy. All the friends I have are at work (Wal-Mart) and pretty much all of them are older than me (lke around my parents' ages), and mainly because we work together and they like my personality and I like talking to them. Shared itnerests, virtually none, and the hang-out potential, none. I just want to meet people my own age, who are intelligent and have stuff in common with me and are, generally, cool. Hell, I can count my online friends on one hand now (if even that), and pretty much all of them are never there. I feel almost like i have nobody to just have an interesting conversation with who'll be there for me. I had that not too long ago, but... I'll cover that in the next section, because it's an equally-long story, and a much bigger source of my problems.

Additionally, I've been put down by multiple people my whole life (my brother among them, and even my mom sometimes even if she doesn't realize it - it's just remarks she makes that she never knows are bringing me down), for the way my voice sounds, how I look, my personality (I'm generally quite friendly and talkative, a bit of a hyper smartass and inquisitive), the fact that I'm shy and insecure quite often (which, really, putting down an insecure person for being insecure is like putting down a blind person for not being able to see), how I dress, even the fact that I haven't had the happiest life (and I hate it when people say "You have a house, you have a family, a job, and you make money". I'd love for it to be that simple and black-and-white, but seriously, that has to be among the most irritating assumptions ever made). I've even had strangers put me down for trying to make polite conversation with them (it was at an American Idol tryout when I was bored, standing in line, knew nobody there, so I tried to talk to some people, and one girl I wasn't even talking to anymore told me I was making everyone miserable and that nobody wanted to speak to me).

So, with that happy novel out of the way, let's move on to the second half!

II. Love & Relationships

Or lack thereof. A few things to mention here first-off:

I'm gay.

I have very high standards when it comes to men. Or rather, I'm picky. I don't like smokers, boozers, partiers, druggies, idiots, and my standards for attractiveness are rather high too, and I don't want anyone I can't hold a good conversation with. And I mean a really good conversation. I don't even like the prospects of hopping clubs or bars looking, because I don't think I'd go for the types of guys that hang out there.

I'm also painfully shy and awkward about men. Around cute guys, I tend to stare a lot, and generally I act like I have some damn social disorder (hell, maybe I do). I tend to clam up, and since pretty much every guy I find cute and/or worthwhile around here is straight... (the gay ones - the single ones - tend to be below my standards. Go figure). It feels like nobody here's good enough, and, hell, searching around via the internet, nobody there's good enough. Pretty much every relationship I've ever had has been long-distance, online, people I never got to meet in person. Each time, I get dumped. In one instance, I got cheated on. The two times I ever even ahd close to a shot at an actual face-to-face, off-line relationship... well, the first time, I was desperate, and clinging to the fact that it was the first time a guy in real life had ever hit on me. He was a dirtbag (and he had a boyfriend at the time and was sitll seeing him), and I didn't even know better than to walk away from him at the time.

Second time, I was so insecure from being cheated on twice within less than a year that I got paranoid and screwed it up a few days after the guy asked me out (and he gave me my first kiss too, at the age of 18). We didn't speak for years afterward until I recently apologized for everything, and he accepted, and wanted to be friends again, but I tried to talk to him, small talk and all, and he basically ignored me and pretty much shut me off completely not too long after. Mixed signals are lovely! I even had one ex... well, he was the first to cheat on me, and he was throwing a lot of mixed signals around the whole time. I wasn't sure if I was being too clingy or not at the time, and he'd assure me I wasn't but then later told me he cheated because I was, in fact, too clingy. And he'd sometimes flirt with me and sometimes be very quiet and upset. I knew what was going on and wanted him to admit it, but... he toyed with my head, even AFTER he dumped me and started dating the guy he'd cheated on me with. He'd flirt with me, and get upset when I flirted back. Christ. He eventually told me to fuck off and leave him alone even when he'd pester me non-stop (and he bossed me around even after we broke up. Needless to say, my spine was AWOL back then).

I've never been on a real date before. I keep feeling like I never will, and like I'll never find the guy for me. I tell myself it's karmic retribution for all the shit I've done in my life (won't go into detail, but trust me, I'm definitely not deserving of good fortune and not man enough to confess my mistakes to the people who I should tell), but then I see other people pulling shit that get what they want and they're always happy and things go great for them. I feel like I'm never going to find anyone good enough, or if I do, I can never have them or they won't want me.

I... recently ended a great friendship with someone out of jealousy and depression. We'd been great friends for around a year. He was absolutely perfect, everything I wanted, and I thought he felt the same from a lot of remarks he'd make - stuff that made me seriously think he was in love with me. He lived in Asia though, and I live in Florida. I had no problems with distance, but I guess he did. And he found a great friend who he gushed over constantly, the guy was into him, I guess they are or were together and dating... I just became extremely depressed and suicidal over it. Still am. I hate it, I hate them now, I'm extremely jealous, and I don't care that I want things to go south for them and I want them to not be with each other. I want it to fail, and I want him to be alone and miserable and realize he shouldn't have chosen someone else. I know it's irrational and selfish and immature, but... I can't make myself care. It's like after all of that happened, I just lost my joy for everything, and lost my will to live. Nothing makes me happy anymore, and tons of things bring me down. I can't stand thinking of him or them, and... I just wish they'd never known each other, or that his friend had had someone already so maybe I could've had a shot.

I know there's a billion things wrong with all of this, but he was basically my world and I don't really care for anything anymore now that he's not part of my world anymore. I cut him off because I couldn't bear to talk to him under those circumstances but I miss him horribly, and I know we can't ever have a friendship again (especially because last time I talked to him, it was a suicide note telling him all of the above things. I didn't succeed in the suicide, obviously, but I never did read his response if he had one). I just want something to bring me up from this. It's overwhelming. I screwed up, he screwed up, there's no going back and no chance of ever having him... good god, I can't get past it.

(And I hate the "you'll find someone" consolation, too, honestly. Like those people are psychics. I don't want anyone else, anyway. It'd be like settling for less.)

And I know my emotional state is nowhere near being ready for a relationship even if there seemed to be hope for a great one for me, but... I don't know. I'm just really lost.

God, that was a load off my shoulders. To anyone who read, thanks for reading, overlong as it was. Any advice I'll try to take to heart, but... well, you saw how I am in those posts.

I'm going to cross-post this to a few other communities, if that's all right. I just want all the help I can get here. I want to die, but I want to hang on, you know? It's... very confusing.
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