I saw V today, and immediately felt the walls go up. I am not going to let someone use me for their carnal pleasure. If I cannot at least be genuinely adored, cherished. Then that will end soon. I'm about fucking sick of men and their selfish drive to fuck and nothing else. This is going to sound odd..(not as if anyone is going to read this anyhow) but this is partly why I am still fat I think. I thought..a while back when something happened to me..if I get fat..men won't look at me in a sexual way. If one likes me, it will surely be because they get along with me, care give a damn about the things I think about. Nay, not so. Some men like fat chicks, wouldn't ya know it. Heh. I donno..either way..I refuse to let myself be used. I am hurting right now. I HATE living alone. This isn't at all what I thought it would be. I just want everything to hurry up and happen, i.e school,work,kid going to school full time. Which, I hope to god will happen. So I can go to school too, and get things done for me. The more busy I am..the less likely I will be to think about that crap..the more likely I can just avoid what I suck so badly at. Relationships. I am sick of being hurt, not being heard. Men only wanting one fucking thing. That's all men think about. Forget about feelings, and nicety, courtships, I thought European men were more romantic. HA. That's a fucking hoot and a hollar. They only APPEAR to be more romantic, they make an art out of this..leaving their poor unknowing wives stuck at home cooking,cleaning,gardening,raising shitloads of kids. They take mistresses and then move on to another.
Women can't win nowadays. *sigh* I really, just REALLY needed to rant..I am sorry..I don't usually do this on here..just shit has been catching up with me, my life is a mess. I know I want one man. This much I know. I won't bend until I find him..or he finds me..he isn't what society would call beautiful..but in my eye, he is absolutely breathtaking. He cares about what I think..he cares to ask me about my dreams..my fears..with him my barriers go down.
Last week I went for my stupid annual, weee. Received the new Hep A vaccine, that was cool. I don't understand why all my female friends are not getting gung ho about the HPV vaccine. They are young enough to get it, I am 2 yrs over the max age. GRR. Fine, I will be abstinent until one comes out for the older women 26 and up. It's as if they don't care..how.the.fuck.can.one.NOT.care? hello? Fucking idiots. I tell them because I care about them. Fucking damned wireless connection sucks ass. Does anyone else get pissed when you write entry after entry about your life, goals,good things happening, and no one on your lj friends ever fucking comments? OH MY GOD Grrr. I have written so much, and mostly good things, I have not ranted much..and still no peep. Oh, but people will comment if I bitch. This just annoys me. I am annoyed. Pretty sure I will have a hard time sleeping after watching Silent Hill twice over. My mother's idea. She came over, and couldn't figure it out so..*phew* done ranting...bet your relived, ::grin::