||[Feb. 1st, 2008|12:15 am]
Open FTM Community
Hi guys. I'm questioning going through with transitioning. During this questioning process, I am reflecting upon some life experiences, and I'm wondering if others can relate. As a kid, I felt 100% male and the fact that my body said otherwise was a source of confusion, shame, and generally being a pissed off and very macho kid. When puberty started, I hated it at first, slouched to hide my developing breasts, etc. However, I kind of blossomed and started to feel (sort of!) female for the first time in my life. However, as I became a "girl," I always observed my behavior from the outside, before acting, saying to myself, "What would a girl do or say in this situation?" This sort of monitoring was always present, as I had never been a girl before, it was all new. As the years of "being a girl" went on, my "girl" self became very solid. There were still gender issues, no doubt, but I buried they very deeply.
I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to having developed a solid "girl/woman self," and I am wondering if, anyone who has had such an experience has moved away from that and successfully transitioned.