I am seething and boiling with rage, hurt and self hate. I have never been so angry in my life. All my emotions are swirling around and around my heart tightening it painfully. There are only a few clear emotions I can make out in my have of pain. Rage most clearly tops them over righting almost all other except my steadily growing self hate at my own naivety and my complete and total ignorance of what was going on. I am beginning to shake with repressed anger, but I want to get this out before I completely have the break down everyone has been foreseeing.
Now that I have released some of my anger in writing my emotions down in a most descriptive manor I should get to WHY I feel them.
I was in a relationship that started 10th grade of high school, at the time I was really trying to avoid getting into one so I could take the time to find myself and who I really want to become, unfortunately that did not happen. I got myself into a relationship and for the first few months it was great, I experienced things I had never experienced before. It started to go down hill as we moved apart and became less attached to one another, somehow we had both not had sex for a few months without even noticing. We tried to get back our sex life, but we could only maintain it for a few months before it went back down into nothing.
I could feel that it wasn't going to work out and I tried to break up with him, but he had a panic attack and all but said that he couldn't go on living without me. The stupid nice girl that I am gave in and stayed even though I knew I wouldn't be very happy. With that land mine fight I resigned myself to what happiness I could get to make his life better at the cost of my own. The relationship tugged on along without any sexual relationship to speak of for two more years and during that time I had actually adjusted my mindset and goals to being his wife and having his children! That made it all the more ironic when he finally called off our relationship,.
I can't believe I actually begged with tears in my eyes for him to not give up on us, ofcourse he would hear none of that. He simply told me he didn't love me anymore nor was he attracted to me any longer. It was devastating as I had been trying to get him aroused so we could get back some of our sex life that night. I felt sick, so very sick and disgusted with myself. I had only ever been with him, everything I have ever done that was sexual was with him, hell he was the first person to ever arouse me, but to have him pull his hand off my breast and say he wasn't attracted to me anymore made me want to vomit in self disgust.
Ofcourse me being good old FUCKING RETARDED AS SHIT ME didn't get angry, nope not me I just took it all as my fault and cried my eyes out while he watched on without remorse or any emotion. I calmed down eventually and was actually glad he had done it since I know I'm too loyal AND FUCKING STUPID to have done it. I guess my thankfulness as him ending it there set me up for another fall as I felt that I couldn't blame him for it, god I can't believe I was ever that stupid with my heart. God the asshole had the nerve to talk all this shit about still being friends and hanging out. He even talked of giving me the $200 for my snakes cage as he promised for my birthday, can't believe I actually thought he would do that. Atleast I wasn't completely stupid, I told him I would need the car(that we joint owned) for a month before I could be on my own feet.
Strangely enough I was perfectly fine for weeks, although it was probably due to the fact that I only slept once very 2-3 days spending the rest of my time working and driving the terrible commute from SLC to Layton and back. Honestly I knew what I was doing by not stopping to rest think and heal for so long, but to be perfectly honest I didn't give a shit since I was still able to function. There was actually one thing that brightened up my day and made life seem worth living, a certain young man who I couldn't help but like.
The real problems surfaced up once I became involved with said young man(I won't really get into him, he is a completely different subject) and started to sleep everyday at his house. Once I was getting regular sleep my body and mind were able to get back up to full function the repressed emotions started to billow up and would release on my new boy friend. God I knew I would end up poisoning a new relationship with the leftover shit from my last one, my self hate sky rocketed again as I would have argument after useless argument with my new bf. I would get angry about anything and everything, I would be on the verge of tears from nothing at all. Somehow we have been working through this.
Remember the car I borrowed? The one I had paid half for it? Yeah well it was turning into the time to give it back to my ex for what I put into it. The car was $300, I paid $150, I wanted $200 out of it since it meant more to me, fuck I was willing to pay him $200 for it. Against wise council I treated the car well, bought it new tires at a discount and even cleaned it before I went to return it. Well fuck wouldn't you know it didn't turn out well for me! Ha! Why was I even surprised?! WHY?!
Well I said I wanted $200, he said I only put in$100, I said no I put in $150, but I hadn't contested ANYTHING AT ALL that was jointly owned besides this that I should atleast get $50 out of it. HE got quiet at that so I assumed he was giving in to my demand....but when I looked at the check he wrote me I noticed he only gave me $100 for it. I was so angry and upset I had started to shake with the effort to not cry. He had finally broken my damn fantasy in my head of him being a good guy and not trying to fuck me over, the reality of it smacked me in the face and broke me. I was in such shock that I didn't do anything or say anything about him not giving me the money I asked for. God I regret that.
Moving on to why I am so upset today when this happened about a month ago...
I have been fucking around on the net for the first time in many months, I've been wondering aimlessly about the net and decided to wonder over to LJ. I didn't intend to look at my ex's LJ, but I was checking out my friend's page and saw a post by him....as usual my curiosity won and I skimmed his journal.
As usual it was filled with verbose bullshit that he always spews, but then I read this bullshit that made me feel so much anger and like I had been used it drove me insane. It reads as follows:
I could say it again ,but... well, I know at least. [05 Mar 2007|05:51am]
[ mood | meh ]
[ music | Depeche Mode ]
Yeah, it would rock to play D&D with Alisha still, I mean I watied until after a D&D meet to break up with her. I know it's sad, but one of the main concerns she had was that "we were about to fight that ancienct red wyrm, too" so it's not like I'm singled out here. All of my friend said with serious regret, "man, who's going to play the barbarian? No one is going to fill that character role the same way." But the mor I think about it, that is not going to fucking happen. That friend shit... it would be awesome, but it can't work. No, noooooooooooooooooooooooo.
My fucking god I can't believe how pathetic he is to have waited until a fucking DND meet to break up with me!!!! That fucking angers me.....what a goddamn mother fucking asshole....he really was just using me until it was most convent for him to drop me. There was more shit in his goddamn journal but fuck that shit.
I give up explaining all that went on to drive me to this point....but dear god the rage won't subside.
I hate him...I hate relationships I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND GO DIE SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!
Did I forget to mention 4 and a half years with that gay piece of shit?!
Enjoy the hate.