tellthetabl0ids (tellthetabl0ids) wrote in _feel_infinite_,

My apologies in advance for the scrambled thoughts of this post- i'm just spewing out anything that comes to mind.

Sometimes, the internet is my favourite person to talk to, or a stranger. Someone who will not judge me and who will just listen. After high school all of my friends went away in one form another, but mostly just moved on from our group of friends. I never go out with them (not to be a snob or stubborn, but because they already have plans, or they're going to the bar, which is not my scene). To be honest, I don't have friends anymore, or anyone to talk to about the warfare that's going on in my head. I have my boyfriend (and as much as a love him and as great of a listener as he is, he is a big reason why my friends and I have lost contact. He is also leaving overseas for a year and a half this summer). My family doesn't listen or take me seriously, and they have no idea what is going on.

I've always been a perfectionist. It's lead to a lot of good things and a lot of bad, disordered eating and depression being one of the worst things. I've gotten better, but it'll always plaque me. All I've ever wanted to be was a dancer. I started when I was 2- I'm almost 19 now. I recently transferred to a different dance school, with a lot of competitive dancers (for anyone who has ever seen So You Think You Can Dance, I dance with one of Brian Friedman's proteges). I like it, but being who I am (extremely self-critical and lacking in self-confidence, but needing to be perfect), all I can see is what I can't do and how awful I am and how I'll never be what I want to be. The worst part is that my younger sister is living my dream. At this moment she is in Toronto preparing to dance in Brian Friedman's fashion show. She's the prettier, skinnier, smarter, more talented, better version of me. I'm the mediocre, mentally ill version of her. Our living room is filled with her trophies, my parents dote on her. I am happy for her, but it's really painful to know that I failed.

I feel small and useless, and trapped and alone.
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