(no subject)

this community seems to have died.. but i want to get it going again. I am a new mod/maintainer.
how is everyone going? do any of you have any suggestions for _feel_infinite_ ? i'd love to hear your suggestions! and also how is you life going?
take care
Johnny Faces

(no subject)

She is my best friend.  And she makes me feel infinite because she is one of the only people in the world that can make me smile without having to do a single thing.

But at the same time...she makes me seethe with jealousy.  She is everything I've ever wanted to be.  She has the looks, the wit, the singing voice.  Guys fall at her feet hoping she would notice them.  She is the subject of many poems and songs written at my school.  Guys constantly get at me to get at her.  I'm always the one they ask for advice for because I'm her best friend.  I'm the one who reads their poems and songs and has to listen to the reasons why she's so incredible. I see the way they look at her and I see the way other girls envy her.  Yet she is one of the most fickle, insecure girls I have ever met.  She turns away guys like one would turn away a leper, yet complains that no guy would ever date her or like her.  She laments that she's ugly and will never be beautiful enough.  She excels in the things I hold dear without even trying.  She's always been able to take the things that define me and do them better.  She's always been able to write better poetry, write better stories, make better music, get all the acting roles I want.  All without trying.  Just today, she didn't even have to audition and she got the role that I wanted.  She was seen and picked and that was that.  She's always been picked for the better roles and I'm never given a chance.  They see her before they even notice me.

She is my best friend.  And I love her more than anyone because she's always been there for me.  She's never done a thing to hurt me; not on purpose, at least.  And she makes me feel infinite...but takes it away all at the same time...

(no subject)

We broke up just over three years ago. You have dominated my feelings and my mind, pretty much consistently, for close to five years. I'm only 19 - this is ridiculous. You haven't spoken to me for around three weeks, and I have no idea why. It's killing me.

But for the first time, in three years, as much as I am both sad and happy, and cannot quite work out how that could be... I am beginning to feel infinite again. I am beginning to finally feel free.

Until you start talking to me again, throwing me right back in at the deep end. Please don't. I can't do this again.
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful

(no subject)

My apologies in advance for the scrambled thoughts of this post- i'm just spewing out anything that comes to mind.

Sometimes, the internet is my favourite person to talk to, or a stranger. Someone who will not judge me and who will just listen. After high school all of my friends went away in one form another, but mostly just moved on from our group of friends. I never go out with them (not to be a snob or stubborn, but because they already have plans, or they're going to the bar, which is not my scene). To be honest, I don't have friends anymore, or anyone to talk to about the warfare that's going on in my head. I have my boyfriend (and as much as a love him and as great of a listener as he is, he is a big reason why my friends and I have lost contact. He is also leaving overseas for a year and a half this summer). My family doesn't listen or take me seriously, and they have no idea what is going on.

I've always been a perfectionist. It's lead to a lot of good things and a lot of bad, disordered eating and depression being one of the worst things. I've gotten better, but it'll always plaque me. All I've ever wanted to be was a dancer. I started when I was 2- I'm almost 19 now. I recently transferred to a different dance school, with a lot of competitive dancers (for anyone who has ever seen So You Think You Can Dance, I dance with one of Brian Friedman's proteges). I like it, but being who I am (extremely self-critical and lacking in self-confidence, but needing to be perfect), all I can see is what I can't do and how awful I am and how I'll never be what I want to be. The worst part is that my younger sister is living my dream. At this moment she is in Toronto preparing to dance in Brian Friedman's fashion show. She's the prettier, skinnier, smarter, more talented, better version of me. I'm the mediocre, mentally ill version of her. Our living room is filled with her trophies, my parents dote on her. I am happy for her, but it's really painful to know that I failed.

I feel small and useless, and trapped and alone.
look really good.

(no subject)

i wish we had more infinite moments. my friends and me and all of you and me. this community was always infinite, it felt like. and, sometimes i think we all just had our time and our infinity has run out, but it shouldn't. it never should. my school's mission is "that the natural state of the human spirit is ecstatic wonder! that we should not settle for less!" wallflowers, i wish we could stop settling for the finite. strive for the infinite moments. and while i say this, i also caution you and say you should not let your wonderment cause you to lose track of reality.

i hope you are all well. even when you are not, i will believe that you are. i hope the reason we have all been failing to document our infinite moments is because w e are out there truly living and participating and experiencing the ecstatic wonder and infinity that life has to offer us.

i am not always well, i'd probably be insane to pretend that i was. but, please when you think of me, think of me as being well. because maybe then, your good thoughts will get to me and i will be well once again.

i love and miss you all in this community. and i hope it hasn't died and won't die soon. _feel_infinite_ is where i have found some of my greatest livejournal friends.

anyways, goodbye for now.
love, taylor.