Last week we had an amazing time laughing our tits off to the first team mugshots, with some of the most...unfortunate photos I've ever come across of our otherwise beautiful boys. As if that is not enough, the freshly baked, newborn B team photos are out to, so take your seats over there, prepare your IDs, and let's get crepeing.First up we have the lovely Gerard Depardieu Laser-hairo, aka GD7 aka the Catalan Crispi (see: abs and myspace mirror photos).
Deemed as our next prodigy, Mr. Deulofeu seems unfazed and unimpressed with the rumours that he shat on an airport carpet recently. That was a middle-aged unknown man, not this lipglossed superstar. Puta, si us plau.
Next up, we have Mr. Javier 'David Mitchell' Espinosa.
Now believe me when I say David Mitchell. Have you SEEN THESE TWO?! Uncanny. Of course, David Mitchell himself never smiles, as he is known for his world-famous rants on pretty much anything, so it's nice to know our little Ninito Espinosa is cracking a rather convincing smile here. Still, if he had a special youtube account dedicated to ranting about Barca life, that would make my day/life.
And now for Mr. Oriol Rosell Argerich.
Fear not ladies, this little bundle of joy is not actually related to our evil president Sandro, but that doesn't stop him from having excellent Barca DNA. Au contraire, this child looks like Gerard Pique's long-lost Nordic twin, the two of them also sharing the same position as centreback. Part of his maternal name means Trouble in German, that could help in scaring the future Ronaldos and Higuains off too.
And now on to a little midfielder who I'm sure you're all more than familiar with.
Of course. Who would have doubted that he would look anything other than absolutely fabulous? This is little Rafinha, holder of both Barca and World Cup Winner DNA. And, like his equally as devastatingly gorgeous brother, he looks like a little FLIRT in his mugshot. look at that smirk. Are any of your surprised? Of course not.
And from Brasil we move on to Portugal, to say Ola to lovely senhor Gustavo Ledes Evangelista.
Even though he does hail from Portugal, he's been at our youth system since he was 13 and worked his way up. Um. Damn. Those are some shiny teeth.
This next little bb is a Barca star making - Ivan Balliu Campeny
Even though his haircut does make him look a bit like your middle school Geography teacher, this baby has tons to offer. He already has #championsDNA, being the captain of the Juvenil A side that won the treble last season. Yes, Culitas, the team with THOSE celebration photos. (I know your pervy minds, eh). He was also used in the first team and B team sides a couple times so he has plenty of experience.
Oh, and he was born on New Year's Day. That's automatic win tbh.
Next up, Basque in the glory of our hot goalie Oier 'Try Pronouncing my Name When You're Drunk' Olazábal Paredes:
TBH, I don't think his squad photo has changed from last year's. Like. At all. And because I don't want to get killed by holaascensor by making pervy comments, I'm going to conclude with the fact that he looks stoned :P
Newly called up to the Spanish NT, I am proud to announce our baby Martin Montoya Torralbo:
As proud as we are that he's healthy and called up to play in the SENIOR Spanish team..that wannabe soul patch has got to go, chile.
Oh, teams of the world. We see your pretty players, and we raise you. Marc Bartra Aregall:
Someone on _fb made a secret saying that he looks like a lizard. Well. I've seen lizard tongues on the Discovery Channel. And. Ahem. I wouldn't mind. Except that hair. You are not an army reject, Marc. MAKE IT ONE LAYER PLEASE.
Carrying on the tradition of Barca older people looking like kindergarteners, here's Cristian Tello Herrera:
Nothing Tello-related can ever be complete without this. So let's take a musical break while we stare, culitas. Done?
Here's our star player, Mr. Jonathan Soriano Casas, for your viewing pleasure:
this kid (?) is a goal-scoring machine. Just because Messi was nice last season and let Crispi take the Pichichi awards didn't mean the B team were as generous! With a whopping 32 goals, Scoriano was known as the top scorer of the Segunda Division. Not bad for a team with an average age of 2. And look at that photo. Besides the obvious overuse of hair gel (I'm beginning to think it's a #barcadna thing unfortunately. MUTATIONZ!), his swag "I gave dem goals. Bitches love goals" expression says it all. He's el puto amo.
My commentary must be killing your brain cells, so I'm happy to announce that this next picture of Jordi Masip Lopez needs no words. Just. No. Words.
He looks...happy to be here? I can't. Had a nice laughing break?
Here's our #14, Ilie Sanchez Farres
Bueller. Bueller. Bueller.
The question of this next player's appearance has been a topic of discussion for the culitas since the preseason - Carlos Carmona Bonet:
Apparently according to some culitas, he looked different last season. IDEK. You take your pick, gang. Either way, he looks happy to be sporting one of my biggest pet peeves - when the hair is the same length as the beard. DKFJGSDFJGS.
I'm slightly creeped out, culitas. For the mugshot of Armando Lozano Sanchez...
....well..look at his eyes. If those aren't the sharp piercing eyes of a true stalking crepe (barcadna), I don't know what is. He's staring into the back of my head tbh. Not good considering some of the thoughts I'm having about some of the babies.
Moving on! Ah, the resident partyboy - Carles Planas Antolinez
I've always thought Mr. Planas had this constant air of cool around him. It's quite hard to explain. In all his photos, he manages to just look so...cool. Like, NBD, i'm playing for the best team in the world. NBD, i just cockblocked a striker from a goal. NBD, I have the best looking teammates in the world. Cooler than the Fonz, our Planas is. Needless to say, I want to go partying with him. So bad.
Now, Culitas. For our next baby, I am putting a restraining order myself. No, absolutely no impure thoughts about our little teddy bear ray of sunshine Sergi Roberto Carnicer
Sure, he may have cut his hair now, making him look a bit...manly, but look at this photo. Look at his eyes. Look at his smile. Look at that little cherub face. HE IS, AND WILL ALWAYS STAY A BABY.
The same can't be said for our next baby, Jona dos Santos Ramirez;
..because as much of a babyface he has, our little Mexican mosquetero has been up to some very naughty things this summer. I get confused when I read about his prostitute stories. How did they not refuse him?! I mean, LOOK AT THAT FACE. DOES THAT FACE LOOK LEGAL TO YOU?! In any case, he looks like a little angel, so let's try to forget about the phrase "looks can be deceiving" ;)
So. Remember that little personal restraining order I put on for Baby Roberto? Yeah. It's still in place. For different reasons albeit - because this beautifully chiselled profile is MINE, bitches. Marti Riverola Bataller's the name.
On second thoughts, after looking at that face, I feel it just unfair to put a ban on admiring that work of art, so who am I kidding culitas, he's gorgeous. fap for all.
This next player, although you can't see it in this photo, also pulled a Sergi Roberto with his infamous golden locks of doom - Marc Muniesa Martinez (also try saying that 5 times fast when you're drunk)
He uh...looks like a...man now. With the new hair. As for this photo...IDEK what happened. But baby. LAY. OFF. THE. GEL.
tamings alert! Your boy's next - Mr. Ruben Mino Peralta:
Even though he is far from being the oldest on the team, I can see some forehead wrinkles infesting themselves on you, Ruben. Maybe it's a bald thing IDK, but I'm sure Sierra would be more than happy to help you ~relax.
And Mr. Thighs, aka Sergi Gomez Sola.
TBH, not here for anything but the thighs. Thighs or GTFO.
You may notice that our newest addition to the cherub-faced assassins, Kiko Femenia, is absent from the mugshots. I have no idea why, so here's a photo of our baby Fenomenia with an...actual baby.
And one more thing. Albert Dalmau was also included in the squad photo, but today he informed us that he has left the club, and continued his footballing adventures at Valencia. Let's all wish him bona sort at his new club! May Pola and co. treat him well!
Fapped enough ladies? I must bid you farewell, as it is 5:32am here, and I think I will collapse. This post has been catered to and sponsored by Pola Catering and Co.