I am really hoping someone here can either help, or point me to help.
I'm a trained shamaness (Norse Hrafnar Seidh), and healer. I'm also a bit old, I think, for this awakening, being that I turn 36 this month. That's where the confusion begins though... I may not be "awakening" in the traditional sense. I may just be trying to come to terms with something that's been a part of me my whole life... and somehow went utterly unrecognized by myself or those around me.
The brief backstory is that my husband handed me a copy of The Psychic Vampire Codex to read back in late January. About 3 weeks ago, he informed me that I've been feeding from him through touch and that he wouldn't allow that to continue.
When we compared notes on when he had decided this was happening and when he cut me off, it matched with a point where I felt suddenly as though he had decided he was leaving me. I felt no love from him even, just nothingness.
Well, we've worked on this some. I don't think he doesn't love me, and rather the contrary. Though the "feeling" of love is greatly muted, he has shown that he does still love me very much. He even flew someone into town to help me learn to control things, though, that didn't quite go as planned and I'm still having problems. The crux of that visit was that this person helped me fix some past issues that had caused badly blocked energy paths within me. Always a good thing, and if nothing else it means I have the resources to work on this other now. Not a good thing because...
I can't tell when I am taking energy from someone else. I literally feel absolute zero energy coming into me. I can sense energy from nature when I pull it. I can sense healing energies. I can sense my own energy. "Food" energy, what's that? How do I find out how to control something I didn't know I was doing if I don't know what it feels or looks like when I do it? (I'm supposing that it's easy to see why the awareness thing is a problem?)
To head off questions of how can I be sure, or how can my husband be sure, I have spoken with a man I dated who assured me that though the problems he had that ended our relationship weren't because of me taking energy, I had been. He said "At times, it was really almost painful, because I didn't have much to offer. Most of the time I didn't really care, but yes, you do have a pretty strong pull."
I also can't ignore the fact that several months ago my husband coaxed me to feed from him actively. When I finally did, my eyes changed, becoming noticeably darker for a time, my skin got far warmer than usual (almost like a mild sunburn), and I got a feeling of almost being in a haze where everything was hyper-sensetive.
And so, here I am, apparently blind as a bat, but having hurt the one man I would rather drop dead instantly than cause any harm to. Him, and who knows how many others. I can kick myself forever over the horror and the guilt, or I can find a way to understand what I'm doing and take it from a subconscious, reflex action, to a consciously controlled action. The controlled action is the only way I can see that I'll ever be able to trust myself around anyone again. I say that about trusting myself with others because I hate to harm others. I'm not exactly a pacifist, but actions that harm others are abhorrent to me.
We did attempt a small exercise this evening, where I tried focusing that pull on some muscle pain he was having, to pull only the pain, but to do it as though it were for a conscious feeding. I located the pain easily enough, thanks to my training as a healer. When I started pulling it, I did notice that my fingers felt like they had a low-voltage electric shock hitting them. It wasn't strong enough to be painful, but it wasn't comfortable. So again, I have a clear sign that I can do this, because that is not at all how healing works. (I can elaborate later if needed.)
Can this be done? Can someone who can't feel vampiric energy, or incoming energy to feed a vampiric nature, learn to feel it? Is it possible for me to learn to control this consciously?
How do I go about it? Where do I even begin?
My apologies for cross-posting, to anyone who got this post twice. I'm just looking for answers.