Well let's see...
It's 1:30 and Ive had too many diet cokes to count and numerous cups of coffee, a small bown of fruit (melons and strw) and a small 110 cal bag of Baked Lays.
Im so scared for the weekend, friends and I always go out to dinner or lunch or stop at a fast food place and my strength has not been with me latey. Im ver scared.
I had a wakeup call this morning when I coulnd't put on some favorite pants bc they had been washed... nothing like a panic attack to start a Friday off with!!
Good luck over the weekend girls!
i havent updated in a while. ive really been trying to stay off my butt and yah sitting here at the computer qualifies as sitting on my butt i think. but anyways i decided i would do a quick update. im down to about 132 lbs with no shoes. its weird though, i mean i dont know how acurate my scale is like i step on and i was 134 with all my clothes on and before i went to the bathroom. then i went to the bathroom and took my clothes off and i was like 131-132ish. did i really lose almost 3 lbs just by peeing and taking my shorts and sweater off? i dunno. its just so hard for me to believe what the scale says. im losing weight but i can only tell because of what the scale says. like i look in the mirror and i cringe still. i can not tell that i am losing weight so the only way i really know is by what the scale says.
i think the last time i updated i was like 138 and then had a binge so i was probably more. so i guess i am making some progress. i am scared that i am going to binge again. i just have to keep telling myself how horrible i will feel after if i do it. last night i stopped myself. i had a sugar free fudgesicle and a couple of bite sized rice cakes and that stopped me from bingeing which was good i guess. i bought these sugar free popsicles the other day and they really help. i got the variety pack. they have popsicles for 10 calories, creamsicles for 20 calories, and fudgesicles for 35 calories each. not bad. especially if u are craving ice cream or something sweet they really help.
i also bought fat free pringles, one serving 70 calories. i usually have about a half serving if im craving something salty which is 7 chips about and 35 calories. i dont usually have them though just because i feel soo guity having them cuz they really taste like the real thing.
im going home in one week i want to be in the 120's by then. i will be happy with 128 or 129. i hope i can do it. i mean i guess im kinda happy because ive beat my short term goal which was 138 by september 12. i dunno im just not satisfied at all yet. i wanted my long term goal weight to be 118 but that is only 14 lbs away. i feel like i have to lose a lot more than that. so i will probably be changing my long term goal of course.
ive been feeling really nautious at night time lately. sometimes i throw up without even trying. like ill feel so nautious and all the vegtables i ate will come up. i usually dont purge when i eat veggies and stuff but its just an added plus. it feels good. my husband thinks i do it on purpuse but honestly im not, i really feel sick and my food just comes up. who knows.
i have to figure out a way to show my husband that im eating more too without actually eating more. last night he gave me this speach about how i have to eat and he doesnt want me to get sick and blah blah blah. i know he is going to start forcing me to eat more. ugh he already wont let me workout out as much as i want to now he is going to make me eat shit i dont want to. ugh. god its not like im too skinny or anything. just let me eat what i want to. i know i can figure out some ways to sneak it though. or to make it look like im eating. we'll see though
okay so i have lost over 40 lbs in 2 months (granted yet i did give birth) but i didnt really lose much. i think i lost maybe like 10 lbs when i left the hospital. so okay ive lost like 32 lbs in 2 months. that is not fast at all. i think thats actually pretty pathetic.
ltgw: 112 for now.
it's amazing how even thinking about what i want to say in a post, helps me now. I was starting to get worried about how to handle the requisite bbq for labor day. (i like finding out that it is father's day weekend down under and labor day weekend here). I was trying to decide what to do about the burnt flesh. Do I have some so that i dont draw attention to myself? Can i just have a bit and then lots of veggies? If i just have some and surround it with veggies will that lower the fat/calories enough that i won't trigger?
Then it occurs to me. Why? why would i even consider risking it? Why when I am doing so well and feeling so good why would i even think of it when i have been avoiding so many other things just to avoid binge triggers. I still dont' know why but i am hugely grateful that i came to my senses. i still don't know why i even thought about it when how many times have i done the exact same thing? how many times have i tried to eat "normally" and went into a months long binge/coe cycle? Weird how it is even a temptation now when i was seriously trying to make a decision before.
I'm so glad you guys are around to bounce things off of! :)
I like this lj thing. It's been good in many ways, but even here i feel alienated. I thought this was a place for freely talking about all that is taboo with "normal" folks, where we all can come together and talk about the obsessions that drive us, the pain, failure, success, etc. But a lot of times i feel just as confined here. There are so many hypersensitive people ready to jump down the throats of anyone who says something they don't like/agree with/understad. I find myself taking crap for not being ana, like my ed-nos is not "good enogh". Yet i am guilty of that cattyness my self. When someone post a high weight and claims to have an ed, i laugh and can't take them seriously. I guess I should try to be more supportive and understanding since that is what i seek.
Everyone, Have a good day and stay strong!
today was weird.
i did pretty good.
like 500 calories.
then ice cream ruined it.
first: i had ice cream with my mom.
then: i had ice cream with my best friend.
im going to be a heffer before i go back to school.
by the way, does anybody want a gmail invite??
i have almost 100 to give away.
leave your email address and i will send you one :D
So my friend convinced me to go to church with her, a young adult service, and I did. The whole thing was about FASTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine. All these people receiving instruction and being called to fast! I felt ED smiling on that room. It was pretty cool. The only thing is, I am not really religious. I think about God a lot, I wonder a lot, but I don't thing turning to Jesus could aid a fast. Also, I have never done a fast. I am afraid of permanently f-ing my metabolism and am hypoglycemic, but I want to fast. URgh, I just don't know. For now I will stick to my lean protein and veggies.
There has been some research done which has found there may be a link with a certain group of bulimics and S.A.D.(Seasonal Affective Disorder).
For those of you who aren't privy to what that disorder is:
Basically, when certain types of light (ideally sunlight) are filtered through your eyes to your brain..they create serotonin. In the winter months, less light = less serotonin = depression... For some people, it isn't just mild depression, but extremely serious. Depression itself could worsen bulimia, as well as the body trying for the serotonin rush caused by binging. So, I suppose, theoretically, BED/COE should take note as well.
If you find your bulimia is getting worse during the fall and winter months or if you've noticed in your ED-NOS that your bulimic tendencies only seem to happen during this period of the year, try getting outside more, take some Vitamin D, and make sure your room is as well lit as possible.