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Oct. 13th, 2005 @ 06:21 pm New here. . .
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: "That 70's Show" is on. . .
Name (first name is fine): Tabitha
Age: 30
Location: Ohio
Why are you here? I have dire need for some advice! I shall post more detail later in this post, behind a cut, of course, but the jist of it is this: I am married, we separated 3 1/2 years ago, we talked today for the first time, and we're talking about reconciling.
What do you hope to gain from this community? Some good advice, and not an "i told you so," or "that's stupid!"
Would you ever be interested in becoming a "Dr. Phil"? I don't know.
Will you recommend this community to your friends? Sure!
Put anything else you want about yourself here: Not much to tell. I realize that I am having a bit of a hard time with some things in my life, but damn if it didn't feel good to clear the air with E.

Ok, now here's my dillemma:

Ok, here's the whole situation: Eric and I met 5 years ago during a tornado threat. We'd seen each other around town before, but never worked up the courage to go say hello. We're both shy like that, I guess you could say. Well, one day, we were both down at the local college hanging out with friends, checking e-mails and what-not, when a security guard came in and told us all to go down to the basement floor as there's a tornado threat going on. Ok, fine.

Fastforward a few months, Eric and I get married. Everything's fine up until about 18 months into the marriage, when things start getting a bit hairy. We fight a lot, and I start to think he's cheating on me. I had a LOT of issues with trust back then, and it really got to us both. Eric figured, "Well, she's accusing me of this, why not, what have I got to lose?!" Well, ok, fine. I respect that. I found all that out today, btw.

Fastforward the night I found out about his cheating, I confront him, he ends up sleeping on the couch, me in our bed. I move out, and we don't speak for 3 1/2 years. I, for the first year, hated him. HATED him. After a year of being mad and hurt and angry, I got past that and decided to forgive and forget. Damn hard to do, I assure you!

Anyway, I walked over to see my friends today, and lo and behold, Eric got brought up. I walked over to see him, and we sat there for 3 hours talking. I asked him, partially for my own morbid curiosity, really, and partially for closure, what went wrong? I know my side of things, why I left. I wanted to know why he did what he did. When he told me that it was b/c I'd been accusing him of cheating, that's the ONLY reason he'd done it, and he is sorry, I told him that I understood, and I've since worked on my trust issues.

We even talked about reconciling our differences. We're supposed to get together tomorrow and go to the library together, and then after that, we're not sure what's going to happen, what we're going to do or whatever. We've established that we do still have feelings for the other person, and that the 3 1/2 years we were apart, we've grown up a lot. We agreed that when we got married, we weren't really ready for that, at that time, and so now we're going to take things very slowly.

I asked him how he would feel about us getting back together. I had and still have no problem with it, but if he didn't want to, then that's fine, could we at least still be friends? He said from an emotional standpoint, that it would be better if we tried to work things out. Hell, we sat there for 3 hours talking and sharing our emotions with each other, and just trying to figure things out. I agreed with him, and we both agreed that from the financial end, it would be better to try to resolve things, rather than try to get the money together to get divorced. HA HA I asked him, "Have you ever wondered why it's so cheap to get married, and why it's so bleedin' expensive to get divorced?" And then I asked him, "Have you ever heard the saying, "It's cheaper to keep her?" We had a good giggle over that one, and agreed on this: We're going to talk about this more tomorrow, he's going to call me at around noon or so.

I know to take things at a very slow pace, and I know that it's going to take a lot of work at both our ends, but still, we're going to see what happens. Play things by ear. Ironically enough, Tuesday was our 5th anniversary. heh.

Now my question is this: We have forgiven and gotten past things that have driven us apart. Am I wrong in wanting to get back together with him? I mean, my feelings for him haven't changed, and I do still love him very much. Yes, I have dated here and there since we split up 3 1/2 years ago, but still. . .I am just trying to do the right thing by myself, him, and in the eyes of God.

Help!
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gaiman_phile:
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From:starrfish016
Date:October 19th, 2005 10:38 pm (UTC)

alrighty then...

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Wow, babe, there's an issue alright.

Maybe I'm the wrong person to give advice on this stuff, because every boyfriend that I have dated and they have crushed me (yes, I was the victim, they all broke up with me), I have taken a solemn vow never to date them again. Sure I still talk to them--all of them. I forgive and forget too--I can't really hold grudges. Sure I get pissed and miserable, but it takes too much energy to stay that way, so I get over things really quick.

Anyway, sorry, I digress, but anyway, my point is, for me, I always feel that as soon as they let me go, I'm never coming running back to them. Never. And I haven't yet. But your situation... is different. He didn't really "break your heart".. you just had some differences that were too difficult to sort out at the time and so you needed a break from each other.

I think its great that you guys are talking again... but seriously, I know you mentioned this a lot in your post but it needs repetition, take it slow. You haven't seen him or talked to him in 3 1/2 years!!! A lot could have happened in that time period that you can't even begin to fathom. I mean, seriously, he could have a kid. He could be a completely different person. Maybe I sound cynical, but its true. Find out some stuff about him. Pretend you're meeting him again for the first time. Go on a couple dates and see how you two are together--do you go back to your own ways? do you guys fight constantly? do you bring up past differences? does he talk about some other girl he dated recently too much?

Maybe you'll find out some things about him that you don't really like. And personally, I really don't think you should just stay together because it's too much money to divorce. I mean, I'm Catholic, and I know the Church doesn't acknowledge "divorces" but ... I could never see myself staying with someone that I didn't love.

Overall, you've got some big decisions to make, but you shouldn't make them all at once or too quickly. This is going to take some time. See what works out.

Hope that helped you a bit. :) Good luck

~Dr. Phil
From:gaiman_phile
Date:October 21st, 2005 03:47 am (UTC)

Re: alrighty then...

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Ok, thank you for the kind words of advice.

Eric and I do know that we love each other VERY
From:gaiman_phile
Date:October 21st, 2005 03:50 am (UTC)

Re: alrighty then...

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Ok, thank you for the kind words of advice.

Eric and I do know that we love each other VERY much, and we were quite miserable when we were apart. Eric's also Catholic, though very non-practcing. He is a good man, and I know that the reasons we broke up were valid ones, on both our ends, but we realized that back then, we were very much not ready for a relationship as serious as the one we'd entered into. We did need a break from one another, and while yes, we regret the wrongs we've done to each other, we were able to sit down and talk things over and forgive one another for things said and done. I know that I can trust Eric with all my heart, and he knows he can trust me.

We are doing things very slowly, and working very hard on our relationship. This is not a risk that's a bad one, this is a good risk on both our ends. We're communicating better now, instead of sitting there wondering, "Is what I'm about to say going to start an argument!?" Now we can talk to one another freely and openly.
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From:starrfish016
Date:October 21st, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)

Re: alrighty then...

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I'm glad to hear it. Good luck. :)
From:gaiman_phile
Date:October 25th, 2005 02:21 am (UTC)

Re: alrighty then...

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Thank you.
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From:kleiosgirl
Date:March 4th, 2006 09:05 am (UTC)
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Can I just say that nothing one spouse does causes the other one to cheat, nor does it excuse it. I would seriously consider couples therapy, because if he is still blaming you, you may never know when it will be convenient for him to blame you again. - Just been my experience.