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lustingforyou @ 02:57 am: I am just going to say it all. Just to get it out without people on my livejournal list being annoyed with me because I complain about the same things really.

I have had alot of things happen in the past and I feel I deserve it. I feel like I am a horrible person. I don't deserve the things I have. I consider myself lucky and I cry over it because I know I do not deserve any of the good things in my life.

I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the country. He says he loves me too, but he is with someone else. He says its because we can't be together right now because we live so far away. Its just I am so in love with him it hurts. I know people say "Oh your only 16, you don't know what love is." But I really do. I know there were times that I thought I was in love with a boy, but I was only physically attracted to them and didnt know them at all. But Sean (thats this guuys name) I love him so much, hes like one of my best friends. I've known him for a year and a half, and he has been so wonderful to me. He treats me like my sisters husband treats her or my step dad would treat my mom. I look in his eyes and I see lots of things in there. Love, friendship, a life. I know its crazy and I have no idea where it came from. We have so much in common and we are so much alike and in love. I believe him when he tells me he loves me (Ive been in love once before but I know he didnt realyl love me when he told me, considering when things got too serious in our relationship he left and that day when one of my closest friends died he wasnt there for me, but Sean was, we were really close friends by then and b4 my boyfriend and I broke up I sort of had feelings for him.). He is coming to visit me in a month (No I did not meet him online.). We've talked about making love. We have decided that if I want to make love then we will. I want him to be my first thats the only reason why we would make love is because I love him and I have always wanted him to be my first, he isnt a virgin though not by a long shot, I dont want to cut him out of my life either he is one of the most important people in my life. But it hurts so BAD that he is dating that one girl. I want him to be happy. It just hurts so much that I cry often. I honestly dont think we will make love though. I dont know. I guess we will see what happens when he comes to visit me from school.

Thank you very much for giving me a chance to whine over this. I have much more to whine about but I really need to try and get some sleep. I havent been getting much sleep at all in this last year. Feel free to comment if you wish.

~Love Tawni~

Current Mood: crushedcrushed

Comments

[User Picture]
From:nikkikoala90
Date:March 22nd, 2005 05:15 pm (UTC)

Hi there.

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Hi there, I'm Nikki.

I think I know what being in love is like, also. I think you may be in love, but I don't think he is. But that is just my gut. If you are truly in love with someone, you don't go and date another person. If his feelings were as deep, true, and strong as yours, the guilt he would feel inside of him for even thinking of dating another girl. If he was truly in love with you, how could he look in that other girl's eyes without thinking of you? I don't want hurt you even more, but some people are just really good actors.

Secondly, whatever you do, please do not make love with him . Even if you believe his intentions are true, what about pregnancies and STD's? Even if it is a small margin, condoms do break and birth control doesn't always work. What if you become pregnant? Could you really stand killing something you created with your love through abortion? Could you bear giving up that precious child up for adoption? Could you truly raise a child with it's father on the other side of the country? What about your education? Your life? Also what about STD's? Not only do they cause horrible amounts of discomfort, but some of them can even lead to death. I think, that you should be married before you do anything as serious as having sex, so therefore you know his intentions. I just don't want you to become another statistic of teenage mothers or anything like that.

I care, and I am here for you if you need me. But really, I think you need to talk to someone closer to you. Like your mother or father. They care a lot more than you think. Give them a chance. If you still want to talk, my email is nikkikoala90@msn.com and my AIM/AOL screen-name is NikkiKoala90.

With all my love forever and for always,
Nikki
[User Picture]
From:lustingforyou
Date:March 22nd, 2005 06:39 pm (UTC)

Re: Hi there.

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*sighs* The thing is he does think about it, when hes with her. I know the girl and I know him. I dont know if we are going to make love. But I know he does love me. He is going to come over next month for a week end so we can spend some time together. Then I will know. I just hurt for him and I can't get over it. And as for my mother, she doesnt care too much if she calls me a slut even though I have not had sex but have been force into things and tells me that I am good for nothing. And as for my dad he died three years ago. I am just so tired of this all and I don't know how much more of this I can really take.

Thank you for your time.

~Tawni~
[User Picture]
From:nikkikoala90
Date:March 22nd, 2005 06:51 pm (UTC)

Re: Hi there.

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*returns sigh* Well... if he really doesn't have as strong feelings for her as he does for you... is that really fair to her?

Well, I'm still here if you need to talk.

With all my love forever and for always,
Nikki
[User Picture]
From:lustingforyou
Date:March 23rd, 2005 06:56 pm (UTC)

Re: Hi there.

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Thank you very much.
[User Picture]
From:save__yourselfs
Date:April 26th, 2005 12:05 am (UTC)

are you sure?

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i dont think if he was that in love wit hyou he would date a different girl have you talked to him about how you feel because if you ahvent i think you should or at least ask him for a good reason hes dating someone different cuz hes not only hurting you its also not fair to the girl hes dating...
[User Picture]
From:lustingforyou
Date:April 26th, 2005 12:58 am (UTC)

Re: are you sure?

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We have many times, sometimes I end up being really dramtic. Things have already happened but things are different now netween us. Thank you for your concern.
[User Picture]
From:lilacdeaddoll
Date:May 6th, 2005 10:47 am (UTC)
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OH well who are the one who says you re only 16 and don t know what love is...
I think sometimes you can know it better at this age than later when you are bitter and serious...
But I think your path is too difficult to be meant for you...
When someone is with someone else,they can say they love you and whatever...what can prove this?your naivety?your true pure heart?
this post is a little old now,so I hope you have decided for your soul and health to stop loving the pain and decide to give in to open up for somethin new and healthier
So many times people fall in love with the wrong ones just because they think they deserve no love,they prefer rejections because they feel doomed and they think it s what they deserve
<i am sure you deserve better than this!I ve seen your jrnl,you seem creative and interesting!you should let your beauty be stuck in pain,you should try and find a way to save your soul,to love your self to be able to find what is the best for you Life is short girl and we dont know what s behind the curtain yet so I suggest you d tried to love yourself,enjoy the beauty around you and all the possibilities,you can do a lot of different things to feel better and not only need love as a nutriment I mean a lot of things are made of love and passion too! Just try to dive yourself in your passion in the things that makes you feel alive,enrich your soul with all your thoughts and creativity save yourself! and believe me next time you'll fall in love just make sure the other person is free,I know we cannot control this,but can you change everything? you cannot force someone to leave an another person for you...sorry to be so frank,but I just would love you to be happy and receive what you really deserve blessings helene
[User Picture]
From:lustingforyou
Date:May 6th, 2005 03:33 pm (UTC)
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thank you so much for your kind words. But things are getting slightly better. I feel like I deserve some things now. But I never felt doomed though. Sean did come over though, and we did make love. And I dont regret it at all. But your comment made my day. Thank you.

~Tawni~
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