Okay, this is kind of dumb and maybe a bit paranoid.
Anyway. When I have pms I can get upset very easily, upset both angry and crying/hysterical kind of way.
So I had this huge ordeal late at uni one day with a system being changed over which meant I couldn't access any of my readings and I had potentially lost 20 dollars credit I had on my card. So, stupidly I was mean to the librarians. I wasn't personally mean, it was mean against the system but I spoke rudely to them. They took it pretty well. I felt really bad afterwards, but I later heard one of my lecturers talking to one of the library people saying they saw someone being really nasty to one of hte librarians and was going to say something to them but didn't. So I started getting really paranoid that it was me and its a new class and I've never had her before and now she's going to always think of me as that awful bitch whose mean to poor library staff. I have no way of confirming if I'm being a whacko or not.
I wrote the library staff a note apologising by the way. But still... if I'm always going to be known by that teacher in that light then I feel so embarrassed and humiliated.
Hey, um... well, I stumbled across this community and thought that it might be good for me, you know?
I think that this might sound horribly stupid in comparison to other people's problems, but here goes anyway.
First off, I turned 13 this summer, just to get age straight.
A few months ago, I finally told my best guy friend that I had a crush on him and he told me that he did too. So, all was well for about a week or so... then I... well, I don't really know what I did. I just became so... obsessed. I couldn't stop thinking about him, I wrote (private) letters to him depicting about how I would die without him (some of which he obtained and read) and that I loved him... I could go on for hours about the stuff that I did. I was so horrible, I pushed an innocent and naive boy into a fast paced relationship that we both weren't ready for. I'd hug him when I knew that he hated it; I'd cry whenever I thought he didn't like me anymore, which was every day or so, no joke.
Basically, I was scary as anything, and I regret it sincerely.
So, as you may have guessed, I found out from my other guy friend that he didn't like me anymore. Surprise surprise. I cried and cried and convinced to everyone that I didn't like him anymore... but I was totally lying.
If I thought that I loved him before... ohmigosh. I was infatuated, obsessed... but I love him now, more than anything. His smile makes me smile, when I hear him play his instrument I feel my soul play along, I feel hot and cold at the same time when he looks at me in class... no one knows except for my best friend who can see through any lie that I tell.
Our friendship is obliterated, a whisper of what it once was. We never talk anymore, and only see each other because we hang out with the same group of friends.
So... I'm absolutely terrified that he'll find out, but at the same time I want him to know desperately. (He's not really a sharing feelings kind of person) I don't care if he never likes me, I don't care if we drift apart, I just want to redeem myself and have him be able to think of me without the image of an asylum popping into his head.
So... any thoughts? Sorry if it just sounded like a huge bunch of nonsense.
okay, i have to say that when i choose to work, i wasn't in the most sane of times. i was just transfured to a new thripist and company becuse i was 18 then and the old one that i was going to had to close my case becuse of this. well at the time that i decied that it would be a good idea to start working i had been off of my medication. why, becuse the new thipist refused to have my medication re-filled (becuse i haven't seen her enough for her to deturman if i still needed it...if the old thripist percribed it then i must need it.) ofcourse the medication was for depression and temper/mood swings, so i was going thew withdraws or something and i was really not really myself and my body and mind where not really all thire. i had boosts of confidence and i thought that i could hadle a job after school, and i thought i was more sane then too.
well now i'm worryed that i will regreat working afterschool, becuse my senor year is comeing up and your sapose to enjoy the years of highschool, becuse thire like the best years of your life. but i'm not enjoying work, my boss seems to be always hitting on me and he's marryed with kids. is it right for him to keep calling me 'honey' and 'sweeetie' i'm like 18, is he alowed to do that. i get alergic reactions to some of the plants that i'm around, i work at a garden center. not big reactions just red bumps that icth and just hive like stuff. i'm mostly outside alot and i have pale skin that burns easly, i'm not really stroung but with the heavy lifting i'm getting a bit stronger, i'm costantly getting yealled at for loseing track of time when i have tons of things that my boss asks me to do. he gives me seemingly rediculs hours like haveing me work monday 2:30 to 11pm then on tuesday 8am to 4:30pm. thire isn't even 11 hours in between. i'm the first person he calls, on my days off, if someone is out sick and he needs some one to cover the work then, or if thire is a mess up and no one is in at a certain time on the secdual or if someone quits and he needs someone to cover for the quitter. i'm still unmedicated and i fear that i will strike at one of my co-workers or a costemer. after all the resion i was medicated in the first place and the court orderd thripy, was becuse i struck at a teacher and i've been know to just lash out, just out of no were becuse something tips the scale of all the anger i keep boddleing up.
should i really quit work, or should i wait until my school work/grades start to really suffer. or should i wait until my boss gets fed up with my slowness at geting a billion tasks done in a minet and still take my breaks, that he gets pissed off at me becuse he usally tells me to take one when i'm in the middle of working on one of the million tasks.
i'm worryed that if i work during my last year of highschool, that i will regreat it and when i'm like 30, i will be like 'why did i work, when i could have spent all that free time with my frineds or done this or that or have gone to my bestfirnd's b-day party that she decied to finnally intive me to.' (most of my friends, acually all. make me the last person to invite to a party, and i've been frineds with them since freshmen year and some even middle school.)
what do you think that i should do? quit. wait until my senor year is distryoyed. get better frinds. or what ever you think is the smart thing to do.
please help me...
I am just going to say it all. Just to get it out without people on my livejournal list being annoyed with me because I complain about the same things really.
I have had alot of things happen in the past and I feel I deserve it. I feel like I am a horrible person. I don't deserve the things I have. I consider myself lucky and I cry over it because I know I do not deserve any of the good things in my life.
I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the country. He says he loves me too, but he is with someone else. He says its because we can't be together right now because we live so far away. Its just I am so in love with him it hurts. I know people say "Oh your only 16, you don't know what love is." But I really do. I know there were times that I thought I was in love with a boy, but I was only physically attracted to them and didnt know them at all. But Sean (thats this guuys name) I love him so much, hes like one of my best friends. I've known him for a year and a half, and he has been so wonderful to me. He treats me like my sisters husband treats her or my step dad would treat my mom. I look in his eyes and I see lots of things in there. Love, friendship, a life. I know its crazy and I have no idea where it came from. We have so much in common and we are so much alike and in love. I believe him when he tells me he loves me (Ive been in love once before but I know he didnt realyl love me when he told me, considering when things got too serious in our relationship he left and that day when one of my closest friends died he wasnt there for me, but Sean was, we were really close friends by then and b4 my boyfriend and I broke up I sort of had feelings for him.). He is coming to visit me in a month (No I did not meet him online.). We've talked about making love. We have decided that if I want to make love then we will. I want him to be my first thats the only reason why we would make love is because I love him and I have always wanted him to be my first, he isnt a virgin though not by a long shot, I dont want to cut him out of my life either he is one of the most important people in my life. But it hurts so BAD that he is dating that one girl. I want him to be happy. It just hurts so much that I cry often. I honestly dont think we will make love though. I dont know. I guess we will see what happens when he comes to visit me from school.
Thank you very much for giving me a chance to whine over this. I have much more to whine about but I really need to try and get some sleep. I havent been getting much sleep at all in this last year. Feel free to comment if you wish.
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