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Climbing from the Depths of Deprivation [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Hexonxonx

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eraser [Jul. 19th, 2005|09:05 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
[Current Music |skinny puppy - one time one place]

Each and every day now I swallow a miniscule amount of clonazepam. I guess my last post was at the end of December.  I think that January through to March were spent with some very troubling effects regarding clonazepam and its subsequent ingestion, and some time around the beginning of April I chose to regulate my doses and try to quit once again. I was down to 0.25mg a day and feeling ok after about three weeks of hell. The drop from 0.5 to 0.25, though such a tiny amount, wreaked havoc on my ability to make eye contact. So after about a month I tried dropping to 0.125 again but the withdrawal was instantly apparent.  My physician explained to me that it was pretty obvious to her that my chemistry was very very sensitive to clonaz and that if I can sustain a comfortable interactive reality while swallowing half an orange pill each day, it's probably better that I do it, and that I shouldn't feel weak for having to. Another thought in my mind mentioned that it may be a largely psychological placebo-based effect and began to wonder how a psychiatric experiment would fare on this situation. It's hard to approach a medical professional and ask them to feed you monitored dosages of, alternately, clonazepam and starch pills to see if I could survive from taking 0.25mg of placebo each day.  I dunno. It's likely.

The whole situation makes me a little disappointed in myself in spite of all this. Medication aside, I think that it is a sad reality in which the established society in all of its forms does not constructively cater to the psychological requirements of each individual.  Why can society not be more maleable, rather than forcing a chemcial maleability upon those in whom normality does not rest well. I'm not saying that I'm freakishly different or anything, and may even be speaking more on behalf of those forced on doses of 5mg daily or stuck in the nasty worlds of SSRIs or antipsycotics of any sort.. On yet another plain, the need for self-medication, illicit or not... why the majority of people I know self medicate multiple nights each week with the ingestion of alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine, grass, &c&c&c. Does this say something about this sick city that nobody cares to face? Why does the established and successful lawyer reach for his bottle of brandy upon returning home after work? Could it be that maybe 0.5% of human beings (or at least metropolitan north americans) utterly abhore their involuntary daily 'chores'? Is what we've created so unnatural that these forms of coping have become virtual staples of social existance?

Bleh. To me, now, "_Deprivation_" goes so far beyond that of clonazepam, having encompassed a fistful of other things used to validate or comfort the day-to-day operations of the diseased mind; I almost need a hermitage away from harmful company, heartbreak, and drugs of all shapes & sizes in order to fully appreciate deprivation. I need the absence of my home, security, shelter and, god forbid, my cats, in order to truly appreciate that which would be life without mechanisms facilitating tolerance.

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with a sigh [Dec. 27th, 2004|10:43 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
with a sigh i acknowledge in recognition the effectiveness of clonazepam on my state of mind. the slightest tinge of anxiety experienced two hours ago are completeley nonexistant. through two administrations of only 0.25mg of the drug in a day i feel ready for any social situation or interaction. Not ready as in excited. Excitement is the furthest thing from what I feel. but calmness. tranquility. Peace. Almost listlessness or apathy. Like the most awkward demon from my past could knock on my door and I'd lean against the wall (benzos make my legs weak at times) and casually say hello.

This is a sad reality...
but at least it's calm.
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My Heroin [Oct. 26th, 2004|07:14 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
[Current Music |jesus and mary chain - Psychocandy]

I lay in bed for several hours last night, awake though barely conscious, and, for the second time this week, consumed by thoughts of dying in my sleep.  I have been forced to think seriously about deprivation as of late and find a peculiar mindset of a masochistic desire to burn like hell just for tiny little tastes of heaven.  Opioid receptors, both figurative and, unfortunately, literal, long for their fix of that which absolutely must be denied for the sake of my own safety.  Things are slipping in the homestead and at work and apathy seems to be getting in the way of preventing this from slipping further.  fuckity fuck.  I am potentially going away for a few days this weekend, but, now that I think about it, it's unlikely, due to the work-related responsibilities that never seem to go away.  I want to sleep for several years.

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(no subject) [Jun. 15th, 2004|12:03 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
[Current Mood |On the Low]
[Current Music |Hope Sandoval - On the Low]

on june 5th i cut down to 0.125 mg/day of clonazepam. things were cool for about 4 days before the withdrawl came into place.  I guess the symptoms themselves are not so different from the usual deprivation. They're lasting a bit longer with a few less signs of leting up, but perhaps are not as potent.  The timing of this ordeal is really illustrating the need to build a strength with which i can deal with what is going on in my life. I feel anxiety building in my throat.  It builds exponentially in combination with this unfulfilled chemcial dependence.  These symptoms include a serious fatigue (like in every other stage) combined with a listlessness (or a desire for listlessness which is actually inhibited by panic and worry).  My vision blurs every so often and takes a physical 'reset' to bring things back into focus.  my mind is still able to wander among thoughts not pertaining to anything unpleasant, though it still tingles with a sensation of current and impending discomfort.

May this all pass soon.  May I find the strength to help this pass.  After 6 years of medically not really needing to deal, one seems to lack certain developed tools.  This is by no means an excuse to suffer, but moreso a reason to fight harder. (laughably easier said than done...)

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death, the inmost night [May. 14th, 2004|11:09 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
[Current Music |current 93 - the inmost light]

so close . . . . i feel very comfortable now with 0.25mg . . i have set the date for downsizing to 0.125mg for June 4 . . what a feeling to overcome what, at first, looked like a brick wall stretching to immeasureable altitudes; morphed into the highest, most jagged mountain, slowly eroded to what is now more or less one of those fairly large packed-dirt and cactus-studded badland hills
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2004|08:59 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust

it's been almost two weeks since i've last decreased my clonaz intake. for the first 6 days, i would wake up in a state of panic and confusion every day. i would feel drastically out of place and truly not know where i was. the first thing i did after getting out of bed was swallow 0.25. I would feel better within 2 hours.  On about the 31st, i noticed a drastic improvement. I would casually take my dose after my shower and breakfast, as there was no panic or hurry. Every now and then I still feel slightly disoriented upon awakening but can already feel it diminishing after circulating my blood for an hour or so before even taking my pill. This is a good sign of improvement. The physician who gave me the smaller-dosed pills said two weeks, then take 0.25 every second day, but I have no faith in this profession anymore. I will continue with this amount until I feel perfectly comfortable on all levels. I'm noticing a lot of things emerge from beneath a long-time chemically-repressive blanket. My awkardness amongst human beings is becoming more apparent to me (either I am increasingly inept or increasingly self-conscious: things that had been hidden by medical science). I've always been pretty bipolar with drastic mood changes within a fraction of a second, but it's more apparent now. I am experiencing more turmoil and discomfort with interactions in general (more at some times than others). I am looking for tranquility in breath and physical labour (and finding it, to an extent).  It's just important to me that these things, now poking their heads from melting concrete, are acknowledged and attacked or simply embraced and accepted. This is a very progressive time for me.  In a way it's like a 6 year development taking place in 2 months.

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(no subject) [Apr. 25th, 2004|04:10 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
[Current Mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]
[Current Music |coil - tenderness of the wolves]

immediately upon awakening this morning, i blurted out the words 'what the fuck is going on?!' due to such an unfamiliar state of mind. I had slept for 9 hours peacefully, though with overly vivid dreams. my disorientation lasted for about 2 hours (i took my dosage immediately upon crawling from bed in a virtual state of panic). i walked around a bit, did some dishes, and started digging and hauling soil and gravel around in the back yard. went for a long walk with a friend and grew increasingly fatigued. got home, and after being awake for a total of 4 hours after a 9 hour sleep), sunk deep into another 2 hour slumber. making a st john's wort & chamomile infusion to calm unsettled nerves.
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( v v X v v ) [Apr. 24th, 2004|08:28 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
[Current Mood |better than 'relatively well']
[Current Music |Starflyer 59 - Gold Album]

yesterday i lowered the intake of clonazepam from 0.5mg to 0.25mg daily. this means that after 6 years, I can take half an orange pill instead of a quarter or half of a white pill! guess things are going ok . . i sort of notice that my psychology takes a blow upon the initial shock of change. I'm lethargic as hell. I noticed a serious decrease in physical and mental energy since i dropped from 1mg to 0.5mg as well. my dilemma is that i'd rather not take stimulants to combat this fatigue and the catch-22 comes into effect of an object at rest staying at rest . . . I am going to stick without uppers for awhile and continue living normally, as exercise and general activity is fairly good right now ~ lots to be done. I may try incorporating something like ginseng or yerba mate (miracle tree) to see if they have less negative effects than caffeine (even gotu kolu).  things feel sort of surreal still, but not shockingly so (am i used to excrutiatingly heightened senses and therefore feel better on this dampened plateau?).
I've noticed colours bleeding into each other and my eyes taking longer to focus on disctinct lines. I've noticed that headaches are more common now than before. I sort of feel like I've constantly "just woken up". groggy and disoriented. Again, not as severe as when I foolishly tried cold turkey; which I guess served a purpose in a way; it showed me the absolute terror of withdrawal; the worst case scenario; physical & mental collapse. At least at this stage I can comparitively say that things aren't as bad. 

I've had bouts of some sort of weird mental loops, where I stand and think in circles for up to an hour. (A) vs. (B) vs. (A) vs. (B) vs. (A) vs. (B), the whole time knowing that only a decisive action can break this nonsensical cycle, yet feeling trapped behind a lack of motivation to do so.  I've had some serious issues with the public and agoraphobia, but these things could very well be my original  underlying problems shining through, rather than symptoms of withdrawal.  I guess these confusions make it so hard to tell; Hard to do a case study or anything. hard to compare chemical dependance to natural issues or even know if a line can even be drawn anymore after 6 years? I figure that in this case, only time will tell and I'll end up having to wait this out for at least a couple weeks. As I get used to these new levels of sensory perception I may know more about where I stand in all of this . . .

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(no subject) [Apr. 13th, 2004|09:41 pm]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
[Current Mood |ok]
[Current Music |Edward Ka-Spel : Chyekk China Doll]

I've been doing more & more reading on the subject and after a long struggle with self-discipline & stubbornness (and the acceptance of new knowledge), I'm still plateau'd at the low dose of 0.5mg/day. (that was a rocky descent to this level, i must say. hopefully the next step will be more under control, yet i anticipate more discomfort). More reading indicates that this dose isn't as low as I had thought; apparently pills are made no larger than 2mg and as small as 0.125mg.  So on april 23 I will reduce my dosage 50% to 0.25mg/day. Until then I strive to clear my mind of apprehension, fear, and anticipated discomfort. After more and more reading I've found that three herbal supplements may come to my aid: St John's Wort, Kava Kava (though Health Canada graciously recalled this substance and made it illegal to sell, I still have plenty stockpiled), and our friend Chamomile (last night while on the phone, falling asleep, the innards of my brain flashed the dim yellow/orange of dried chamomile flowers surrounded by a black background. For some reason, for a few separate split seconds, my brain perceived itself as these dried flowers (ever taken a dried chamomile flower between two fingers and squeezed?  **  dust)) .

I'm not sure if it's even noteworthy, but one thing I am finding to be a very constant thing is, about 1.75 hours after ingestion of medication, a feeling (very pleasant, subtle, yet unignorable) in the back of my throat. A warm sort of pseudo-mucousy sensation near my gag reflex point. Also been doing reading on dysphoria as an effect of withdrawal.  Also; not sure if this has been mentioned, but my desire for pot intake increases after I've placated my unsettled brain with clonazepam . . due to work schedules and the simple underlying lack-of-desire to get stoned, these desires are controlled (yet they still exist).

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psychochemical observations [Apr. 3rd, 2004|01:02 am]
Hexonxonx

cantor_dust
[Current Mood |Spicy&WarmFromHomemadeRemedy]
[Current Music |Cabaret Voltaire - Sensoria]

an immensely close friend of mine visited last week for about a week.  a day and a half before her arrival i was struck with a question or problem.  i had been, at the time, on a small tapered dosage of clonaz, occasionally feeling cocky and skipping a day or two until i needed to run back to 'home-free'.  During this state, I sort of perceive things very differently. Not like this is a deleriant or hallucinatory feeling; just a form of existing that is not familiar to me (documentable symptoms of withdrawal only contribute). anyway, i become filled with a dilemma: this is somebody very important to me with whom i haven't spent a lot of physical time and see very seldomly. i gain self-consciousness and start to wonder if it is a good idea at all to try any sort of dosage-tampering during a temporary period of time in which a recognized and familiar (most importantly, comfortable) mindset is intensely important.  I spend a lot of time alone when I'm not at work so there are very few social drawbacks to my psychiatric experiments. often if I'm going out for an evening I'll make a point of not having skipped an entire dose that day (now raising the inquiry as to whether or not i'm going about this whole process in a way that is at all efficient or effective?). The thought of having her experience my cringing hypersensitive reclusion for the one week in a month or two that she'll see me made me sad.
I obviously opted to swallow my pills every day like the label on the pill bottle suggested and ended up having a marvelous week.
What does this say to me?  Why does this even have to be an issue at all?!  Is this a thing that should consume anybody's thoughts?!  Insert "there is no answer; you know that"  <----- h e r e


On a short sidetrack, I am currently stricken with a penetratingly annoying cold.  I've noticed this dozens of times before: the same hellishly surreal electric agony I experience in benzodiazapinic withdrawal is unignorably present in the symptoms of most of my physical ailments, even the common yet buggering cold.   It's considerably more consistant right now than it is when the body craves chemical; where it usually comes in spikes and jolts at the most inopportune moments.  This is like being hooked up to a DC amplifier with an uninterruptable power source.

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