my oldest friend

hello my cinzi-pie. I don't know where to begin this but I do know I want to start off with saying i'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been a shitty friend....since the dawn of time. I've only realized recently(yes really, my head is super far up my own ass) that I when you've extended invitations for me to go places I should have been less focused on myself and my crazy anxieties and more focused on the fact that you wanted to spend time with me. Even after all the years, you still wanted to spend time with me. I've been trying to live a more positive life, I can't always be a shining beacon of sunlight but I'm putting more effort into my happiness and the happiness of those around me. I'm trying to be better for myself and for the people who choose to stick around, like you! I still don't know where I'm going with this... I guess what I'm trying to say again is sorry. Sorry for being an over-anxious self centered a-hole. I should have seen things from your perspective and being a constantly-cancelling-non-dependable-never-sure-if-she'll-actually-come-outside kind of person must be exhausting to deal with for 12 years. I can totally see why you don't even bother these days. I would have stopped bothering YEARS ago if I were in your position.
Hopefully we can start over. I can try my very best to stick to commitments when you offer them, but hopefully you can keep assuring me when I start to panic and almost barf. I need the little pushes you give, even when I say no due to my anxieties I ALWAYS without a doubt wish I had said yes. EVERY SINGLE TIME I wish I said ''yes". I owe you ten billion "i'm sorries" for being a flakey douche-bag and I never give them when I disappoint you which is often. I have a huge ego, what can I say. I can't even make a list of all the times I've disappointing you, it would take too long. If I tried to make one where you disappointed me, I wouldn't be able to come up with anything. Nothing at all.
I wanted to write you a ten billion page letter but hopefully I managed to get my point across in just these few short words. Now I'm all teary eyed and feeling silly so I'll just leave this here for you to read.

coffee of life


sometimes i wish i knew what the hell is goin on

Dear Somebody:

names and faces and rituals?! Pathetic. yes i took the time to hit the shift and capitalize that Pathetic. see, i did it again.

last night my cat was being a cat....then the next door neighbor do killed him....being a dog.....
14 years of taking care of my poor phyl.....rescued him from the gutters of sicily
he got to grow strong in my care
time to move, he travels from sicily to houston...from houston we drive a few hours to get home...y stop in houston? cuz my dog's kennels wouldn't fit in the nonsense they call a passenger plane. (and they wouldn't let me just put the dogs on empty seats)
so phyl
is dead
mainly cuz of ignorant owners

i'm not stupid, i have my dogs' basic manners tied with ribbon and bow. always room for improvement

can't aruge with myself any longer, too tired

i hated to bury my cat this morning :(
coffee of life

my daughter

dear baby girl,

you are 19 and stupid. you left a month ago with a guy nobody likes and not a word to your family that has taken care of you for your entire life. today you call and tell me i am welcome to come see the baby...i asked you how that's possible if you won't talk to me about life and he is a loser that can't man up and apologize for being a loser. of course, you had no answer.

you've burnt all your bridges and destroyed every positive relationship you've had. i didn't tell you i'm disappointed because i'm tired of repeating myself. i am glad that you are taking your vitamins and getting to your doctor appointments.

i'll keep hoping for you but i can't help you anymore. you've killed me in more ways than you will know until your own daughter turns out just like you.

and i hope she does
Chalk hearts

(no subject)

So, I feel like this weekend is crunch time. Decision time. The time where my girlfriend decides whether she wants to be with me or not, which sounds ludicrous as she tells me everyday that she loves me, can't wait to live with me and marry me. But something inside, inside my soul is telling me there is something wrong, somewhere. With the question now is; is it me and my paranoia and insecurity? Or my sixth sense which is never wrong? I dunno. Not am I sure I want too. I can feel myself not wanting to eat. Feeling sick at the thought. SIGH. someone help me?

Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!!!


Dear Mateo.,
You are my godson and I love you. I tried my best to help you by giving you some medicine that
I thought would help you. For awhile, you seemed to be doing better. I completely forgave you for ruining my birthday, and for all of your long-term constant verbal abuse. Even though I don't actually recall you ever apologizing for any of that ever.

Then you decided to wake up my 1 year old grandson after 2 1/2 hours. You did this deliberately, by stomping up and down the stairs for over an hour and talking LOUDLY, even though I pleaded with you to be quiet because the baby was sleeping--and God knows no one on this Earth wants to hear your ego-maniacal drivel. My grandson is an extremely active, very sensitive, very particular little boy who is very difficult to put to sleep, very easy to wake up and who then took over 4 hours to get back to sleep. He was then fussy and hysterical for at least 24 hours after returning to his mother's care. He did not get enough sleep and was extremely cranky, exhausted and difficult for J. to take care of the next day. J.-your cousin who you pretend to care about-was in constant pain when you woke up her baby on purpose just to be an asshole. Your incredibly selfish, venomous and malicious acts caused J. a whole lot of trouble, and could have made the baby sick--not that you would care.

Everyone makes excuses for you because you are a raging alcoholic and "need help". Well boo-fucking-hoo to you. I don't see you making any effort whatsoever to get help. I have offered to help you get help, not to mention me giving you my own medicine (until your last stunt). 

I remember when you were a little boy and I used to tell Grandma to stop pitying you for not having decent parents. "Pobrecito". I knew that this attitude was toxic and would ruin your ability to live a good life or even to be a good person, if you were infected with it. Now look at you. Self pity and egotism ooze from every pore of your body. You are a legend in your own mind. I wish you had to watch videos of your drunken antics for however long it took you until you were ready to go to rehab. I am talking 'Clockwork Orange' style eye openers and restraints. But whatever. There is nothing I can do to help you when your cousin and your grandmother and your "friends" are all "looking out for you". You will never face the reality of your life while you have these buffers to prevent you from suffering the consequences of your behavior. BTW-Bukowski would barf if he met you. Seriously Dude. Grow the fuck up.

If you ever paid any attention to reality, you might notice that your friends will get you drunk, but they dump you back at Grandma's house after a few hours of "enjoying" your drunken company. Without fail-even your best friends have NO INTEREST in hearing your drunken ramblings. That should give you a clue. Honestly, I do not even think that alcoholism is your main issue. IMO-Narcissism is problem #1. Alcoholism is issue #2. But I do not claim to be perfect nor do I claim to not have my own serious issues. My only claim to superiority over you is that I am not an asshole to people for no reason.  I do not keep my 74 year old grandmother who is having multiple strokes repeatedly up all night because I am drunk and crave attention,nor do I wake up infants out of pure spite, nor do I believe rapist/woman-beaters words over my own cousin's word, nor do I refuse to take responsibility for my own actions nor do I FAIL to apologize for my wrongdoings that hurt other people.

You have so much potential. You are a constant source of disappointment to me and to anyone who truly cares about you.

You don't have to be like this. Please consider getting some help. Please apologize for being such a huge dickhead. I would help you to the best of my ability.

I remember when you were born. What high hopes we all had for you. You don't have to wallow in shit. It IS NOT romantic at all. How exciting your life could be if you would get off your ass and stop being a "pobrecito". Love, Nina.

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    pessimistic pessimistic

(no subject)

dear pfc k,

somehow, i miss you. but knowing that you know that i miss you is not okay. you should be the one to miss me. but i have to keep reminding myself that if you had missed me all along, we wouldn't have been in this predicament. why do you do that to me? you should never do that to someone you care about. i know i wouldn't.

Back off

(no subject)

Dear Somebody,
  Its been a few years now..i still have the cross that Chris made..and the day is drawing closer that marks the day you left...too damn young! i always wanted to ask you, what the hell were you thinking?!?! What possessed you? i think of you all the time..your mom gave me a bunch of your clothes that fit now..i had your bike for quite a while and passed it on to someone who needed you wouldve done..dammit Brad...i cant wrap my mind around it to this day..i still see you sitting in my living room with a Corona in your hand...laughin and discussing abnormal psychology...and then you were just gone...but youre still dear boy...and i feel you..miss you..want you back..i still have your number in my phone..cant bring myself to delete it..or your moms, though i dont see my calling her..i often wonder how things went for her after you still so damn mad at you...goddamn you could have talked to me..called..knocked on the goddamn door...really.....i miss you...i love you...

(no subject)

 Dear Somebody,

   I woke up today in tears after having a dream about how happy you and her are. I cant stand the thought that a month ago you were laying in bed with me telling me you love me and now I sit everyday, every night alone and lonely while you're with her. What happened to my best friend, my boyfriend? I had my whole life planned out with you. And now it seems that I struggle every single day to smile. They say the pain lessens with time but I find that hard to believe because so far its getting worse. Yes I don't cry myself to sleep anymore but I think my new drug addiction helps that. Just please, come back, please tell me you love me like you use to. Please stop the pain that kills me each and every day.
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    depressed depressed

dearest you

The past two weeks have been insane, finding out that you're still very much married to you're wife, as she put it when she called me. Thanks for that.

You even had the nerve to call me using a new number in which you explained it was you're booty call cell phone. So that says you're not going to stop cheating on you're wife, and you obviously have a ton of girls to keep track of if you needed a whole phone for them. You texted me today and asked if I was picking you up from the airport Wednesday.

Sadly, I said yes. I took the night off a few weeks ago just so I could. I feel guilty now that I know the truth with what's going on. I'm actually very mad at you.. I mean.. I fell in love with you. You know that. And when finishing the conversation you said that you loved me. Why would you do that? I'm going to spend Wednesday with you, let you hold me one last time. And then I'll never see you again.

- one heart broken girl
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    crushed crushed