First of all, I can't believe I still love you 10 months later. I guess you were my first love.
I hate you. I hate you so much for sitting motionless as my heart broke in two and millions of tears streamed down my face. I hate how you can be so low and have no inkling of emotion towards someone who loves you for every flaw and imperfection you have. I hate how I still love you and how I dream about you almost every night. I hate waking up crying because of those dreams, and treating them as nightmares. I hate having to wake up and think of something else to dream about because I can't bear the pain of seeing you in my head. I hate still crying over you. I hate how I can't tell you how I really feel. I hate how you still want to "fuck" me but don't care about my heart or the person I am inside. I'M NOT THAT PERSON. I don't do that when I'm not in a relationship with someone. And even if I did, shouldn't you, my ex boyfriend who broke my heart, be the one person I don't go near? I hate how weak you make me. I hate how choked up I get thinking about you. I hate how different I thought you were. I hate how everyone told me you had become so different with me and I wasn't just a piece of ass. I hate that I loved you for a year and a half and in an instant it ended. I hate how I got so used to being next to you everynight. I hate how when I wake up in the morning I don't see your face anymore. I hate how I feel like I don't have the strength to get over you. I hate how you're so far away. I hate how much I loved your mom. I hate how I would tease and say how much I hated a song you loved or a team you loved just to cause conflict. I hate how I fucked up. I hate how you use me now. I hate how I'm willing to wait all of my life for you. I hate how people say they understand but really have no idea what I go through. I hate how I can't tell you all of this in person for fear of what you might say. I hate how you call me when you're drunk and how I pick up just to hear your voice one more time. I hate how people say you don't deserve me. I hate how I know they're right. I hate how perfect our relationship was, because it makes watching it fail so much harder. I hate seeing so many people so happy together and wishing you were here again. I hate wishing I could go back to senior year to cherish that time more. I hate laying in bed watching a movie imagining you next to me. I hate reminiscing, but somehow I find a peace within and a smile as the outcome. I hate how this Christmas I won't be with you. I hate how I'll think of you anytime UF plays Alabama. I hate how your fraternity got in the way of so much but you ended up dropping it after we broke up. I hate how things haven't worked out.
I wish you would come back. I hope you still are. I pray for the strength to tell you everything I'm telling all these people who don't know the real me. I wonder if you still think of me. I cry when I hear your name. I fall to pieces everytime because you aren't there to catch me. I know everything will work out for the best. I want it to be with you. I'll wait. Time makes it harder. Why am I going through this? I'll never forget you telling me ich lebe diche. I'll remember telling you tu ojos son mas bonitos. I hate not ever telling you what I meant. I hope you understand. I pray time will tell.
(Sorry, this is extremely intense and personal, but I need to get it off my chest.)
I check my LJ every day to see if you wrote about me...and then I wonder to myself if you care that we just broke up when you havent.....
I can’t believe all the ways you betrayed me. I didn’t date you for a year because of the abuse in my past relationship. You convinced me that you weren’t like that. To this day I’m still in utter shock. I told you how he grabbed me by the throat and threw me on a couch, and eventually you started using it against me. Telling me it’s my fault, and that I push people to do that. No one deserves to be abused. I miss you. Actually, I don’t miss you. I miss who you used to be. I miss the first three months of our relationship, and even the times before we met. And then it all went to shit. You told me I loved you too much. How can that be a bad thing? What should I have done, just not care? You broke up with me on Christmas. You threw the clothes in the middle of the street that I bought you and ignored my phone calls all day. I stayed home crying on Christmas. I missed my fucking family dinner. I couldn’t focus on anything else. And then an even bigger downfall started happening. You would go out with your friends until , not bother to call, not come to school, nothing. Then you would dump me one week, come back a month later and think it’s okay. Oh, but that’s not the worst part. Worst part is during all of the “break ups” you would slam doors in my faces, yell at me in front of your friends, call me a whore, tell me I should die, when I called you’d scream into the phone, blast your radio, or hang up. Real mature Luc. Your nineteen years old, grow up. Then you fucking dump me and call me a few months ago whining to me cause you’re fucking arrested?! What, so you only want me in your life when I can make everything perfect?! Yeah, of course it’s that way cause you are a selfish bastard. I remember all the times I begged for you, told you I’d do anything. How fucking stupid was that. My family offered to take you to
We all miss you back home. It hurts like hell knowing that you’re in jail. I love you more than you know. I know we never were close, but I really did love you. And I know you love me too. It’s hard to know that your bother is alone in jail. I’m scared for you at times. Sometimes I sit in my room crying about it. Of course I would never tell mom, dad or you this. I never would dare. I knew that when you got addicted to Cocaine something would go wrong. I want you to stop so badly. But I know it’s not that easy. I’m terrified for you Bryan. You are the only family I will have left after mom and dad and I don’t want you to leave. I love you and I care for you so much. You’re my big brother, and sometimes I wish you’d start acting like it. Mom and dad have done everything they can for you. Dad even bought you a car, but you were on cocaine and crashed it. They tried to get you jobs, they bought you everything you wanted, they tried to show you they loved you. All you ever did was push us all away, we all don’t even understand. I understand that you don’t want me to see you in jail because it’s embarrassing for you. It’s been almost 5 months since I’ve seen you. You get out Christmas Eve. Please
Sometimes I wonder how things would be now. I wonder if we would be married yet. I wonder if I would be making a good mother. I wonder if we would be pregnant with our first child yet. I wonder how you and my parents would get along. When I go out places, I wonder how it would be with you right there beside me. Wonder what we would talk about. How we would look at and touch each other. When I am laying in bed, I wonder how it would feel to have you laying there beside me with your arms around me. I wonder how it would look to see you kicking the dog out of the bed. Or throwing the kitten into Ami's room, just so we can have the bed to ourselves. I wonder if you would even be here now. Or if you be going to school. Would be living her. Would be constantly by my side, reassuring me everything is alright. Yet... all I can do is wonder, until we are back into each others arms. If we ever, really will be again...
It seems just like yesterday when you were filling my head with all the lies. And I accepted everyone like a forbidden fruit. Its now occurring to me that every question that was asked to the other party, and the answers given where just that, forbidden fruit, lies, deceit. You promised we would stay in contact. And I promised we would get through this TOGETHER. I didn't say we would do it alone. I said TOGETHER. But I guess that was never good enough. Was that much of a bitch? That much of a terrible girlfriend/fiance/ wife? I tried to be there for you the best I could, I tried to stay as strong as I could for the both of us. Was that not good enough? Was I just something to help you pass the time? You told me before you meet me, a part of you was dead, you were empty. You told me if you ever lost me you would feel like you were dying, like you were empty once again. You begged me not to kill you, not to make you empty. I stayed by your side. I came back to you. It was really you who I loved all a long. You know that. You know how much it was killing me to be with Sam, when it was all a lie. I know I fucked up on somethings... but I don't I deserve to be treated much better then this? To just get a text telling me to move on? I don't know rather it's a front or the truth anymore. I can't even tell the fiction from the truth. My heart is telling me one thing and my mind another. I don't know which to listen to. I don't want to set myself up for another fall, but yet I know I can't be with anyone else. And even if I were,it would all be a lie. The feelings for them would never be as strong as the ones I have for you. The love I was giving them would never be the same. I let myself worry, way more then I should have, about you. I just wish you would tell me what I did wrong, if anything. If this was all a sick joke.. I know you didn't believe me anymore when I said I love you, why didn't you tell me? Why did you hide it? You want me to be open and honest with you, yet you can't even be with me? I told you what Sam told me and you told me it wasn't true. And yet I find out, you really was falling for her all along. If you decided you wanted to be with her instead of me, why don't you just tell me? I wouldn't have stopped it. I wouldn't have stood in your way. Is Keith even real? Or just you in a disguise to show you're crush/love for her? Just be open and honest with me, that's all I ask. Even if I don't like the truth. You asked me if I wanted to change, and I told you yes. I meant it, and I have.. a little at a time but it's a start. And where are you to even be told this? No where. I lied to my school. I told them I had to go take care of my husband for all those days I missed when I was worried about you. I lied to my friends. I lied to my family. I lied to my work. And most of all, I lied to myself. I had myself fitting rather finely into the wife/mother role. In fact, my motherly instincts are now stronger then ever, according to Ami. We had a 'show and tell' period in my human relations, where we had to show what motivated us. I showed them a picture of you and Gabe, my favorite picture of you too. And I told them you two were my motivation and my world. That was not a lie. I've been changing to better myself for us, and to be a better mother to Gabe and to our kids we have later on. Please don't make this be for nothing... I plead this is not for nothing. I beg and plead this 'move on' is all a front, and just something you have to do because you are constantly being watched. Even if its not... It's alright. It's fine. We are untitled to break a few promises here and there. I know a broke plenty of them when you were laying in the hospital bed. And I fell really horrible about that... I do. I am just hoping you keep all your promises.. But if I have to.. I will move on.
I love you and I miss you dearly..
I will be happy when this is all over and we can fully talk again without risk of you losing Gabe on my behalf... maybe then things will be resolved and settled and we can come to an agreement and figure out our relationship. (If there is even still one to be said for)
I'm sorry I missed you when you tried to contact me the other day. I waited for you to get back online but you never did. Ugh, I really miss you. It's just hard, we grew up together, we were like brother and sister, and eversince I moved--or eversince puberty-- things have seemed to change. Not like we didn't like eachother anymore, but you just got different friends. Friends who had no standards or morals. Now I moved, and I'm not across the street from you anymore. I guess I just took for grantid that you lived so close, and now you're so far.
I heard you moved out of your house and moved in with one of your friends, and you just barley turned 17. I also heard your parents divorced. I just hope you at least graduate from school. I know things are tough for you right now, I just don't want you to give up. I really miss you, and I love you too.
Until we meet again, darling.