Rachel (ok_george) wrote in _deadpoets_,
Rachel
ok_george
_deadpoets_

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Nightmares - sucking the life out of you

You mentioned the other day that it seems like a nightmare. All in a sudden thought a train brings me to agree with you. I stop and shake my head violently, unrealistically hoping this will cause me to regret allowing such a horrible thing to develop in my mind.

But I am frustrated. I am screaming inside and you are never here to be the receiving end of this anger. And so it grows stronger. I feel weak. They say it takes work to hold a marriage together. How am I supposed to do that by myself; my lazy, mediocre self?

In blaming you I do the same that every other female has done. Put you down, drag down your self confidence. Give you another reason to stop trying. So what will make you try? My nagging and bantering don't get anywhere, but neither does passivity.

If you knew you would try to hold me until the nightmare goes away, but I want to push you away instead. You are the reason for it. Hold me anyway, I will sink into you. Buy me flowers, try to make up for the places I am dissapointed.

What do I want? Your dominance. Over my life, my future, my children. Have I said this loud enough? As I make the plans and track funds and pay bills and tell you whether we can do this and that. Because it is left up to me, and I am living opposite how I always wanted.

Can this constitute a nightmare? No, there is a reason I shake me head to avoid the attachment of such a word. It is just something I have to overcome, work with you on without treating you like a child. Hold up my head against scorn and keep moving forward.
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