Wow, 2 years! Does anybody monitor this thing? A little existentialism for one who might stumble back on this community...
Too much. where to start there is no beginning is there an end? what if it just stops no meaning no truth up to you up to me up to no-one. there is no One. no truth but i do not believe there is no believing truth all is gone and then it is over and will we know? if there is something To Know
You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting — over and over announcing your place in the family of things.
I feel low belly to the ground a crystaline verion of me my mind screams I don't care lungs bursting I won't come up for air today could be yesterday today could be tomorrow identical days and days and days my body aches I've forgotten how to feel hands shake not sure what is real no comfort no release a stranger in my skin tears falling down a cheek I couldn't tell you why I live this slow death everyday is goodbye
You mentioned the other day that it seems like a nightmare. All in a sudden thought a train brings me to agree with you. I stop and shake my head violently, unrealistically hoping this will cause me to regret allowing such a horrible thing to develop in my mind.
But I am frustrated. I am screaming inside and you are never here to be the receiving end of this anger. And so it grows stronger. I feel weak. They say it takes work to hold a marriage together. How am I supposed to do that by myself; my lazy, mediocre self?
In blaming you I do the same that every other female has done. Put you down, drag down your self confidence. Give you another reason to stop trying. So what will make you try? My nagging and bantering don't get anywhere, but neither does passivity.
If you knew you would try to hold me until the nightmare goes away, but I want to push you away instead. You are the reason for it. Hold me anyway, I will sink into you. Buy me flowers, try to make up for the places I am dissapointed.
What do I want? Your dominance. Over my life, my future, my children. Have I said this loud enough? As I make the plans and track funds and pay bills and tell you whether we can do this and that. Because it is left up to me, and I am living opposite how I always wanted.
Can this constitute a nightmare? No, there is a reason I shake me head to avoid the attachment of such a word. It is just something I have to overcome, work with you on without treating you like a child. Hold up my head against scorn and keep moving forward.