(I've cross-posted this all over the place, so if you see it popping up in other forums...)
After a year, nearly two, I have come to the conclusion that the term "demon" is just simply not appropriate for what I am.
The only vaguely similar definition for demon that even fits me would be the "entity of chaos" one. But even that definition is fairly recent/modern and frankly, I'm getting tired of having to explain my way through the Judeo-Christian "Wait, you're in Satan's army?" shtick.
The more I find myself examining my past life memories, my mental and psychological archetypes, and my energy I currently have now, the more I realize that I'm not just a blob of energy. I've had form, and substance, and some pseudo-bit of structure. I may have been pure chaos at one point, but that point is something I am without being so; I cannot be pure chaos and continue on with sentience which, by definition, is a form of continued structure.
I've recently (as in over the past couple years throughout the ten or so years I've been coming to terms with myself) realized that while I cannot stay firmly "grounded" to the earth, much less anything else, that I *do* have a connection to nature and this planet that can't be denied. I have no need nor want to protect it, however, were it to be destroyed I can't say I'd be able to shrug it off.
I understand that all that humanity is doing right now, all the cutting, all the burning and processing and manufacturing, is still nothing but a blink of the metaphorical eye to this planet. A single cataclysmic event could easily erase everything this species has done or accomplished quickly and efficiently, and therefore any "damage" this species thinks it has done is nothing compared to what this planet could do back to them.
Nonetheless, I can actually feel the energy in this earth in a way I never thought I'd be able to do, and connect to it. This lack of being able to do so was one of the key reasons I thought I may be demon, in the sense that I was definitely not of this world. I still am not "of THIS world" although I feel as I am definitely of this world in a different form.
And that exact reason (there are plenty of other reasons, but this has to have been one of the few reasons that really drove it home for me) is why I'm switching to "fae" as a definitive label.
I've been dabbling with labels for a while now. I didn't want to play the "let's pick something else for now" game, and change my mind every few weeks as I sieved through my decisions. I knew what I wasn't. Most definitely. I've always struggled between the two terms "demon" and "fae," since I came to that conclusion years ago.
While I've tried to see myself as an amorphous blob, it becomes difficult for me. I readily assume forms in astral, in divination, etc. I'll get the wide array of phantom limbs, but I count those out. I've always been a shifter. But I am never an amorphous blob for too long at all. The "chaos realm" I think of, journey out to in astral, dreams, memories, is not unlike Faerie itself: a realm changed by whim and thought and desire, an in-between of worlds.
However, I withheld from using the term "fae." Many fae I knew seemed so attached to this world and I couldn't, for the love of me, get there. The funny thing is, before I started looking into what I was, I had no problem getting there. I was the kid who just chilled in the grass and flowers all day running around and climbing trees and screw all of you who wanted to stay inside. It was something that took a while to revisit itself and now that it's here it feels natural again, no pun intended.
The other reasoning I see behind it is that many fae have been, at one point or another, interchangeably known as demons. I'm simply tired of the negative stigma attached to the term "demon," and am picking up another term for my kintype.
So, voila. I'm still gonna lurk the demon subforums and threads, and other than the newly-found connection to nature(which really isn't new or found, seeing as it's more of a reunion than anything), I haven't suddenly turned into something altogether different. I never had gossamer wings(except in the occasional shift) and I've always been an mad optimist over a brooding evil, etc. etc. blah blah blah stereotypes ahoy.
And I'm still undeniably chaotic. O.o;;