December 8th, 2006

Imagine Me & You

(no subject)

As I was reading entries from a community I am in, I found some very interesting posts that I would like to share with you all. They really make a lot of sense, and they pertain to what this community is about. So here they are:

The Power of Mindfulness
Redirecting the Eruption

In other news, I had a minor relapse the other night, and I cut. I'm not proud of myself at all for doing this; in fact, I am very ashamed of and disappointed in myself. I regret doing it so much. And now I have to hide the scars. :-/

But, after I read that entry about mindfulness I felt so much better. I felt like I couldn't feel more alive or more blessed and lucky that I'd made it through all these years. I felt so blessed and lucky that I survived 4 years ago. (4 years ago was when I first ODed and nearly died.) Reading that post reminded me just what I was missing in my life. I used to use mindfulness all the time, and it really helped; however, ever since I started doing a lot better I haven't felt like I "needed" to. I've come to realize, though, that I should try to do it as much as I can because even if I do not "need" it, it will help keep me balanced.

At the moment, I feel really depressed, but I also feel somewhat hopeful and lucky/blessed just as I had last night after reading those posts. I feel like my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is acting up again majorly because my moods are changing with the drop of a hat again and I'm doing the whole "I hate you! Don't leave me!" thing again, along with other reasons. And the hallucinations are acting up again, too. I think it's because I haven't really been taking my meds regularly lately. But I've started taking my meds regularly now again, and I plan to work on my DBT and mindfulness some more. So hopefully it will all be over soon. I just have to keep telling myself, "I will make it through this," "It will be over soon," and "My emotions do not control me, nor do they define me," etc.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this. And, as usual, any advice is welcomed with open arms and very much appreciated.

Hope you all are well!

xoxo, emilyanne
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