(no subject)

sorry, I think i'm gonna delete my account.
Ive been taking way too big of risks by posting a public journal and I'm getting the feeling that its gonna bite me in the ass.
I'm sorry, i know this is gonna suck for a lot of people.
If you want to keep in touch; e-mail me at OrangeFlavoredfairy@Yahoo.com

"Be yourself"

"be yourself".
Be myself? Be myself? How can I be myself when you aren't yourself?
How can I be myself when I don't even know who I am?
I look to the bottom of my soul, my inner most being
and theres nothing there
or rather
theres someone
because me isn't just one person.
Me is different people, different personalities, depending on the time and place, the people and my mood
I don't even know who the real me is
So how can you
and outsider to my world of comforting chaos and confusion
A spectator
Know me?
How can you
ask that of me
The best answer I can give
is that I am me
I don't know who else I am
For I am the artist
I am the poet
I am the dark
I am the light
I am the confused, the bitter, the dissilusioned, the scarred, the scared
I am me
  • Current Mood
    confused confused
Imagine Me & You

(no subject)

As I was reading entries from a community I am in, I found some very interesting posts that I would like to share with you all. They really make a lot of sense, and they pertain to what this community is about. So here they are:

The Power of Mindfulness
Redirecting the Eruption

In other news, I had a minor relapse the other night, and I cut. I'm not proud of myself at all for doing this; in fact, I am very ashamed of and disappointed in myself. I regret doing it so much. And now I have to hide the scars. :-/

But, after I read that entry about mindfulness I felt so much better. I felt like I couldn't feel more alive or more blessed and lucky that I'd made it through all these years. I felt so blessed and lucky that I survived 4 years ago. (4 years ago was when I first ODed and nearly died.) Reading that post reminded me just what I was missing in my life. I used to use mindfulness all the time, and it really helped; however, ever since I started doing a lot better I haven't felt like I "needed" to. I've come to realize, though, that I should try to do it as much as I can because even if I do not "need" it, it will help keep me balanced.

At the moment, I feel really depressed, but I also feel somewhat hopeful and lucky/blessed just as I had last night after reading those posts. I feel like my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is acting up again majorly because my moods are changing with the drop of a hat again and I'm doing the whole "I hate you! Don't leave me!" thing again, along with other reasons. And the hallucinations are acting up again, too. I think it's because I haven't really been taking my meds regularly lately. But I've started taking my meds regularly now again, and I plan to work on my DBT and mindfulness some more. So hopefully it will all be over soon. I just have to keep telling myself, "I will make it through this," "It will be over soon," and "My emotions do not control me, nor do they define me," etc.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this. And, as usual, any advice is welcomed with open arms and very much appreciated.

Hope you all are well!

xoxo, emilyanne
  • Current Music
    lacuna coil - "falling"

(no subject)

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like killing myself tonight. I sometimes feel like that would be best. I'm done. I ask myself what would happen if I went to the kitchen and got a knife and took it to the bathroom and ran a hot bath and felt it slice through my wrist. and the hot sticky flow to my appendage. just a thought. it feels like there's no hope. i hate this. I feel like giving up.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
Imagine Me & You

Cause I hate the way I feel tonight...

Hey, all. How's everyone doing? Hope ya'll are hangin in there. Anyways, down to the purpose of this post:

Lately I've been really bouncing back and forth between being very high/alright/happy to being very low/depressed/sad. Its like my mind can't seem to make a decision. My moods have been changing within like hours and sometimes within like minutes, and it just really bugs me out. I hope I'm not regressing again. Its like that whole 6-month-ish cycle will never end. Every six months at most for the past couple years I've landed myself in the hospital for suicidal stuff, and I can't seem to break free of that. Six months is coming just around the corner, and depression & suicidality are knockin at my door again.

I guess I'm just kinda hoping someone out there could tell me exactly what to do to prevent this from happening, but I have this feeling that no one but me will really be able to answer that. And I have no idea what the answer is. *Sigh* Any suggestions? You'd think that 3 years or so in therapy would give me the answers, but its only given me a few keys to a door that has many key holes. Heh. But I guess I can work with the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Therapy stuffs and see how that works out. If anyone wants to know about DBT, you can look at this entry. And, as for Cog. Therapy, I dont really know too much about it yet, but I can refer you to a book called
Feeling Good by Dr. David (I *think* that's his first name) Burns.

Anyways, I hope all of you are well. *Hugs to all*

<3, Emilyanne

Ps. On second thought, maybe I'll just try to sleep it off and work on DBT/Cog. Therapy tomorrow. I'm wayyy too tired at this point. *Shrug*
  • Current Music
    Sugarcult - "Sign Off"


hi.i havent posted here in a loooong time.
so anywho;
i should probably update on somethings.
[Unknown LJ tag]
1.i no longer have a boyfriend.he dumped me for some girl that looks like a straight up man.no joke.ew

2.im now a junior.which is the only plus in my life at the moment.so i passed my sophomore year.yesss.

3.i had/or have a new crush.im not sure.hes been blowing me off..kinda im not sure.and i cant tell if i should try or not.i mean,im not trying cause i know his old gf broke up with him awhile ago like 2 months ago. andd i can tell hes not over her.so,im not going to do anything.buut hes so sweet.buut everytime he says we are going to hang out.i get stood up.idk.

4.my mom is pissing me off lately.likkkke usual.i hate her with so much passion.its like shaa.LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

anywho.idk.i seriously dont know whatsup anymore.its like the whole world thinks im happy but im not.sha.not at all.i mean,i am happy.buut im not.if you guys get what im sayin? idk.maybe you dont and maybe you do.but thats not the point i guess the point is is that...im kinda just fallin apart.

idk yet,if i have a reason or not.
im not sure.
not at all.
its like..you just get that feeling in you veins like omgg.and then your back and everything inside and out gets weak and you see everything and you just sorta kinda wanna die? like not really but thats just how you feel.and you sit down and all of a sudden all these tragic memories come to your mind and you feel sad.

anddd that makes you feel worst about yourself.
like you mean nothing.at all.
andd you just dont want to go on anymore.
andd its not like you had a reason to begin with it..
buutt you just got like this 'trigger sydromne' go'n on.

and idk.
i guess im done venting.
andd how are you guys?
i hope things are good.
truely i do.

so idk.comment if you have somethin to say..if you dont.
thats cool too.
im not to sure whats up.and idk if im lookin for advice,or if im lookin for someone who has 'experienced' what i am?

idk.buut i guess i will stop and let you guys go about you day.
much love
♥ </lj>
  • Current Music
    aft-miss murder
Imagine Me &amp; You


Ps. I also deleted all those horrid posts those trolls made. If you find any comments or whatever that are triggering or need to be deleted please tell me! Thanks!

<3, Emilyanne
Imagine Me &amp; You

Note from the mod (*dork*)

Okay, so I banned the three trolls in our little corner  of the world here. There were the two that posted and the one that I found while scanning the list of members (whose username made it quite obvious - like IHateEmos or something stupid like that). If anyone finds any more problems with the community or the members, feel free to contact me by commenting on my journal. :D

Always, Emilyanne (the *new* mod hehe)
  • Current Music
    Third Eye Blind - "Jumper"