jasonspark (jasonspark) wrote in _brokenhearts,

I'm writing as I am in this journal because I'm trying to figure out how to express what I'm feeling. And it's so hard because of all that's gone on. Erich and I first "dated" (or something) back in 1997. Our relationship started in August of '97 when I was living in Somerville, and continued to when I moved to my new place in Cambridge. It wasn't really serious, but there was something there. I liked him a lot, and though our relationship was mostly sexual, I started to care for him. One thing we had in common was our love of horror movies. So we planned on going to the Hellraiser 10th Anniversary Convention. We met up to go, and were standing on the corner of Prospect and Mass Ave when he said he didn't want to see me anymore. I said "It's okay, we can just be friends" He told me that no, he didn't want anything to do with me any more. We could not talk, be friends, communicate via the internet, he wanted absolutely nothing more to do with me. I didn't know what to do. At this point the walk light had turned to walk, so I ran across the street and just hopped on the redline to go to JFK/U Mass to go to the convention. This hurt like hell. Not because I was in love with him or anything, but we had spent time together, and were intimate, and to just suddenly out of nowhere be told that it all meant nothing -- or actually worse, that our time spent together made him hate me so much he wanted nothing more to do with me. In the early spring of 2005, I received an instant message from an internet source (I had aol) Usually I reject it because it's spam IMs. This guy wouldn't tell me his name, but said we use to date and wanted me to guess who it was. I was on the phone with my friend Bob and I started throwing out names. I didn't guess who it was, and finally this instant messager told me it was Erich Underwood. I had dated a guy in 2004 who went to high school with Erich, and this guy had a true psychotic break in November of 2004, which is when our relatinship had ended. The guy's computer had broken down while we were dating so I let him use mine. Apparently in his psychotic delusion he thought I was constantly filming him and uploading a live stream of him (with my dial up connection, no cam, no dvd-rom drive, and very little memory in my 1999 computer) and he had collected the email addresses of everyone in my email address book and wrote many of my friends crazy emails. So I had to do a lot of damage control. I wrote to one of my friends from my high school era who I was in occasional internet contact with to let her know if she got any crazy emails about me, this was why. Apparently she had forwarded it to Erich's brother Rob to ridicule me "Look what this crazy fucker wrote" Rob showed this to Erich and they all had a good laugh at my expense ridiculing me as crazy. Erich had then sought out to contact me via IM. I was very hesitant to talk to him, I had completely forgotten about him, but upon his reminding me I remembered what we had had together and how he had hurt and fucked me over. But at that point I was on the computer a lot, especially late at night, and I gradually started responding to his IMs more and more. I began to tell him about stuff that was going on in my life, and he was never nice about it. For example, at U Mass Amherst, a woman and I started a Queer Nation group and were involved in many protests and office takeovers. My picture had gotten in the paper kissing a guy while we were draped in the American flag, and my name was in the caption and being a part of the student phone book, the death and bomb threats soon started and eventually I had to be put up in a hotel by the university under a fake name while they tracked down these callers to figure out if my life was in danger. A very scary time. When I told Erich about this, he labelled me a "psycho" who thought that everyone was out to get him, always an insulting tone. And I blocked him, but he had different names and picked up on it, and eventually I unblocked him and talked to him again. I remember telling him one day I thought he was so cruel, I bet he was the type person who picked the wings off flies as a kid, and he said he was. We continued to IM and I told him that one half of me thought I shouldn't be talking to him at all, and the other half wanted me to continue. He said it was probably the rational half of me that wanted to stop talking to him, and the psycho half that continued. Finally one day I said to him "Look, I'm tired of all this, let's meet in person!" He said to me "Meet with you? I don't even have time to see the people I actually WANT to see" That really crossed a line with me, and I blocked all the IM names I knew of. A couple of weeks later, I get an email from him that he was reading the Arlington Advocate and my ex of 2004 I had told him about had had a real psychotic break and it was in the police log of the paper. So I unblocked him to find out what had happened out of curiousity. And then, I told him we could meet in person or I could just go back to not talking to him. He thought we should meet, and so we met for a date (see previous entry) I find out that I had been the subject of ridicule for years amongst friends of his, that I was an amusing story told at parties. My nickname was "plaid pants" (for these blue and green dark plaid ska jeans I have)because I was wearing them at the time. Another version I was "Bruce Jenner" because i wasn't running across the street on a walk light, I was running down the street crying and he never saw anyone run so fast. Another had me by the Mystic River rollerblading and crying away from him. (I don't know how to rollerblade or rollerskate.) After this date, we had one or two more when he told me he didn't want to sound corny but "He thought this thing was really going to work out, and he wanted to have something with me" and then chastised himself for being so emotional. I told him, no, I had similar feelings, but I still kept myself at an emotional distance. But by the time his birthday came around, I was really starting to like him, and I tried to do something to show him how special he was to me. And we continued to grow closer. Christmas and New Years were the same, and he wrote me telling me how much he missed me when I wasn't around and was glad for me in his life and appreciated our time together (though never putting it to print!) Problems did arise because I was upset with the way he treated me sometimes for blowing me off when we had plans or arriving anywhere from two to four hours late. One time that really pissed me off was when I had set up my room with candles, and had arranged for us to have a really awesome night and was going to pick him up at Oak Grove after work. He wrote me an email a few hours before and told me he was going to go out with his friend Matt instead that night, but might be back later. I was so pissed. I had arranged for us to have a kinda romantic evening, was getting ready to go pick him up, and he was blowing me off for someone else at the last minute. I was talking to Chris via IM at this time and he at first sided with me, and I sorta considered Chris a friend at this point and told him my general feelings at the time. His advice was to break up with him, which pissed me off because I already cared about this guy, but that didn't give him the right to fuck me over. So I asked Erich since we already had plans, if Matt and he and I could get together instead. He told me Matt didn't want me around, he just wanted it to be the two of them, so tough luck to me. Erich then wrote me an email from Matt's house putting me down for being upset. At this point I felt like I didn't want anything more to do with Chris and Matt because it seemed clear that Matt didn't want me around and I was upset with Chris's advice. I realize now this was trying to place the blame somewhere other than on the person it belonged: Erich. Rather than be mad at the person who was the one who really was blowing me off, I projected it onto Chris and Matt because I didn't want to think bad things about Erich. Although I still was upset because I didn't think just breaking up was the answer, and if I had made plans with Erich and one of my friends wanted to hang and said "No Erich" I would have said "Well, I made plans with Erich first!" Anyway, Erich talked with me and told me that Matt was really important to him, and as his boyfriend he really wanted us to get along. So for Christmas I told Erich I wanted him to arrange a dinner for the four of us, and I bought presents as a gesture of trying to make amends. We ate dinner at the Macaroni Grill and though it was nothing spectacular, at least the night went off without a hitch, and I hoped Erich would see that I was making an effort. Matt said we would all get together before Chris left and exhange presents and see each other again when they got back from Canada. One day Erich calls me and tells me that he and Matt are getting together for the going away dinner for Chris. I was like "Well is this four all four of us?" He said Matt and Chris probably assumed it would be the four of us. But I work in retail and don't make much money, and didn't have the money to go out to eat that night, so I couldn't go. I asked Erich if they at least said to say hi, or asked why I wasn't there, or if they liked the presents I got them. And he said I didn't come up at all. Now I'm all for making an effort when it's worthwhile, but here were two people that I didnt' particularly have anything in common with nor particularly liked but was trying to in an effort to appease Erich, but it felt like I was doing everything in this situation, and in the end they didn't really think much of me and though Erich wanted us to all be friends, it would be up to me to make the effort. And I really didn't want to anymore. Just because they're his friends, doesn't mean they have to be ours. And if in the future they made some gesture that would be nice, but I didn't feel like it was up to me to do anything anymore, and Erich told me he agreed with me. Now I went to a party at Howie and Tim's on new year's and had a great time and got along with people, and had fun talking with Howie. I was psyched when Erich told me about Howie's surprise birthday party, and went out and got him a present. The Friday before he tells me that it's now at Matt's house. And my first thought is, I don't want to go where I'm not wanted. I realize that some of this was still projection, but I didn't want to go. Erich tells me that he won't go either. I tell him "No, I want you to go because these are your friends and it's important that you go!" so he agrees to go. Saturday comes around though, and the day is really slow at work, so I decide to leave all this bullshit aside, and leave work early to go, because this day was about Howie, not about Matt and Chris. But Erich tells me he doesn't want me to go because of my feelings for Matt and Chris. That if I really want to go , I can, but that it's a small place and he doesn't want to be made uncomfortable. That if I go, he's worried he might feel some tension and doesn't want to feel pressure to leave early, that there's no place for me to go to talk to people, and that it's probably best if I don't go. I agree not to go, but it still hurts me a little because I had been looking forward to going and he is telling me not to go, but ultimately I don't want to make Erich uncomfortable, so I don't go. Erich writes me an email telling me how much he missed me there, how it didn't feel right not to have me by his side, how he realized he's like Heath Ledger from Brokeback Mountain, but he wants me to know that only was I missed and asked about by people there, but that he missed me too. I'm still not feeling particularly good about the Matt and Chris situation, since Erich didn't want me to go because he thought tension between us might make him uncomfortable, so I tell him that me need to remedy this situation so there is no more awkwardness or tension. The next Wednesday he comes and tells me that he needs "space" And I say "okay" and then he says he expected a long discussion, but I tell him that I understand him needing space, and he leaves. But then I start thinking, what does space mean? I call him and he tells me he needs to have no communication with me, that he can't see or talk to me for at least a month. And I am devasteated. I really came to love him over the past five and half months, and granted there were tensions around this Matt/Chris situation, but to me it was something that could be remedied and certainly didn't warrant ceasing all communication. Now I am heart broken, and every day I wake up feeling so sad and so depressed. I don't know where this is going with Erich. I have come to care so much about him. He's been a part of my daily life, and now he's just gone like he was never there, and yet there are reminders of him everywhere. I do believe we'll get back together, but I don't think no communication or not seeing each other is the best way, but can certainly understand someone's need for space. It just hurts so much. And I wish now that I just hadn't voiced my feelings about Matt and Chris; I'm re-thinking everything I've done for the past five and a half months and trying to think of everything I did, and how I could have done it better, and I how I could do it better in the future when we do get back together. But the hurt, is a deep physical pain. To care about someone so much, knowing going into this that I should not get my heart too involved because he has been so cruel in the past. But I talked with Erich about all my feelings regarding this, and he said that what happened before -- even the IMing -- was in the past, and that he was sorry he ever acted that way or said those things, that he was being immature in the past, but now that he was dating me he cared so much about me. I don't know how you go from missing me so much at a party and wishing I was with your side, and admitting that you are out of touch with your emotions (like Heath Ledger from Brokeback) to four days later telling me we can't talk or see each other for at least a month. That he does care about me but that it is not enough. And I don't see how not communicating will make anything better. But I understand needing space, so I am trying to give to give it him, but it just hurts so much to feel this loss for someone whom I've come to care about so much and has been an intergral part of my life the past five and a half months. I just don't know what to do. I really think we should get together, hash through any issues, work through it, and start fresh from a better perspective being sure to communicate better in the future. This "space" thing is supposed to be because he really does care about me and "us" and wants it to work out, but I'm finding this abrupt cessation incredibly difficult and painful to deal with, and think that there are much healthier way of establishg "space" than cutting one another off completely.

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