nina (xechoesx) wrote in _breakingpoints,

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watching her....

so i just recently broke up with my gf after 3yrs...we've done everything together for 3yrs..we are best friends till the end..what makes this so hard is that i live with her still, i can't see myself living with out her. here is where it gets tricky a lil while back about a mth ago we decided to break up mutually i did a lot of stupid shit while we were together so i decided i needed to get my head outta my ass and just stay her friend. we were still working things out and trying to get back together, well about a week and half ago we have this 3 sum with this chick. now this chick is awesome, but i never thought my ex would start to fall for her and this chick starting to fall for my ex. now this is super hard because i still deeply am in love with my ex and i know for a fact that she still loves me, fuck we were together for 3 yrs its kinda hard not to love her still. this girl has been over every day for a week now i don't mind but a lot of people don't know that my ex and are exes. we don't want to tell anyone till we move outta my moms and stepdads house but that makes it harder for me cause i am the third wheel. this sucks hard. i cry and i cry till i can't cry anymore and then my ex gets upset cause this chick doesn't want the title of "gfs" because of me. cause i still love my ex, well what the fuck this is just not gonna take a day to pass. i have been fighting off the urge to cut myself everyday for the past week because my heartaches every day she will ask me what is wrong and i say nothing knowing that she knows that i am lying. eventually i break down and start to cry and spill my guts. well we were supposed to spend all day together because she said she wanted to. i had to go to the mall with my mom to pay my cell phone bill and my brother had to go to the apple store to get his computer and we were gonna go out to eat after well all of a sudden the chick calls and all of a sudden my ex doesn't want to go with me she wants to be with the new girl. i wasn't so mad at that but just don't tell me u are gonna go somewhere with me and then change ur mind. they go out to eat too. well i come home and my ex, the chick my best friend and a friend from highschool are all here in my room. i just want to go bed and cry and cry. my ex wants me to talk to her and tell her how i am feeling i tell her it somehow makes her feel bad, i tell her not to worry anymore and that i will be fine. she then decides to tell me that the chick wants her to spend the night.....this is sooo fucking i cry i think that i don't want to let the only person who has ever loved me for me go...but i have to let her go because the chick makes her happy. i don't and that is what kills me i cracked after she left i cut myself i thought maybe that little bit of pain would let everything else go away but it didn't. i feel sooo alone in my bed with my dog. i realise that no one is ever gonna love me like she did and i fucked that up by lying and cheating, but my heart burns for her and it's sooo hard watching her hold someone that isn't me, kiss someone that isn't me, cuddle with someone that isn't me. why can't this pain just go away? why does it have to hurt sooo bad. if i could take everything i did wrong to her i would in a heartbeat. i don't want to lose the girl who loved me with all her heart.she means the world to me. i feel like i have no one. i feel so alone. i feel like i pushed her sooo far that she went and found someone else. i have sooo many unanswered questions. how could she move on sooo fast?

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