wow, i havent written in here for a bit....but thats cuz i actually believed everything would be fine, i actually believed that life again was worth living....clearly i thought wrong.
i went so long without cutting that i actually forgot the feel of the razor on my skin and the blood dripping down my arm.....i missed that feeling so much. i mean i would look at my wrists and see the scars but i thought it was a thing of my past, but some scars go way beneath the surface, some scars will last forever....
He meant so much to me, he was my life and my one true love, he was the one person who could see past my scars for he had scars of his own. i opend up to him and he did the same to me, sadly it was that, that desroyed him......i will love him forever and he will never be forgotten
a while ago we made a plan.....that if one of us was to leave then the other one wouldnt stay much longer....it just might be my turn to hold up my end of the bargin.....should i tho?
my name is i8toast but really not....i cut and i have been doing it since i was in fourth grade and now i am in the 7th.i am 13 and its not much funn. i do it because this is how i control myself and handle things. i have anger issuses and i used to scream and hit and throw stuff. i did this to everybody i would put people down and stuff. i was slightly abused and i hated myself and i guess this my way to escape. i lost a close friend and i failed my classes. all because i stopped cutting so i started again and i have good grades and some friends but i don't want to do this forever and i want to be able to function without having to cover up soon to be scars with bracelets and jackets.i want a break.and i hope this community will help me better then my supposed friends.
I'm new here so yeah. I'm 13, i've been cutting for almost 3 years. I burn and hit myself sometimes also, but mostly I cut. I haven't cut in a few days, and just going one is hard. (god, i feel like im in AA or something, lol!) Right now, I could really use a nice deep cut. Just to see the blood, just to see myself slowly die. But eh.
The reason I want to cut so bad today is well... because of my dad. He just got to me today. Told some story about my sister (who he hates... supposedly) going missing and stuff, how he was soooo worried. Yeah, just got to me. And my mom plainly said she didn't care about how I felt. So yeah. Thats all. Peaces
i know i haven't posted here in forever. that's because things have been mostly okay. or at least i have been forcing myself to believe that they were okay. but i'm not sure i can take any more of life's shit. i've been really really good about not cutting or anything for a couple months now. i seriously have only done it once, and recently, which, if compared to my record before is amazing. now i don't know what's going to happen. how can it be that i'm on better terms with people that i'm not that close of friends with than the (two) people that are actually my close friends? its not like i've gotten into any fights with anyone, its just that for some reason i feel incredibly alone all of a sudden, like, where did all my friends go? why am i the only one left? how can i have fucked something up so bad without realizing it was happening?
the biggest problem with this is that my boyfriend, who i am in love with (believe it or not, it is what it is) is running me through this crazy emotional rollercoaster all without even trying to. it's partially my overactive mind and partially something to do with him. but for whatever reason, one day i'm totally great and happy with everything and the next i'm down so hard i can't breathe without wanting to cry. i don't think it's okay that there needs to be something wrong with me in order to get his attention. it didn't used to be like that. and i'm not even sure it really is like that, it might all be in my head. i can't tell anymore.
i was wondering how you can tell if you're bipolar or manic depressive or whatever the term is now. because i'm wondering if that might be part of my problem. ahh i just need someone to talk to. or talk at. which is the whole purpose of this i guess.
i want diet pills that work
i honestly dont know any information on them at all...
i just need to lose weight so bad
i try and restrict but im so weak and my parents make me eat dinner and my friends bug me in school
i binge when i can but at my physical the doctor found traces of acid in my throat and its also making my teeth REALLY weak...
does anyone know of diet pills so i can lose wieght and still eat atleast enough to get my parents to leave me alone?
PLEASE HELP ME!
thanks so much
ps. my stats:
current weight: 131
short term: 115
long term: 98
I swear the world does not want me to forget. it keeps reminding me. I keeps reminding my of a past that I have tried so hard to put out of my mind.
the wednesday before Last I got my hair cut, I cut ten inches off, so its like a layered bob and everyone liked it. today an ex- best friend of mine came in with her hair cut too. I know its just a hair cut but she did it because she didn't want me to be better than her.I can see the way she looks at me. its this smirk, and then she starts palying wiht her hair. She and my other ex best friend abandomed me early last year. I've moved on to my other friends who have been so good to me and have made me so happy. But that whole experience has made me paraniod and OCD. I see then at school and I hate the fact that little things like this can make me upset.
I'm sorry to ramble.
cut about two weeks ago, oh well, there goes my two monthsish.
oh well, how are you all?
well im trying to mind the new rule to spell correctly. it giving me some trouble im not the best speller and i useually just spell how i talk. like i dont say 'dont' i say it more 'dun' but whatever. anywho my dad came and left. i feel hollow. my neighbor andrew left and will never return. hes one of my only hopes alongside with beth. although both have never met. im crying. fathers gone im free to cut but i dont want to. and yet there it is tose damn cuts on my arms with that damn pleasure of blood that once dripped from them. i feel hollow. it a horrible feeling. grrrrr well heres sumthin i been working on
traces of your fingers
linger on my waist
and even winters bitter wind
wont erase your warm embrace
live for today
forget about tommarow
drink my sweet wine
and drown all your sorrows
and well thats it so far. it started out about hector. but everything starts out some way and ends up sumthing else. who know where this will lead. soi fainted again and im scarde that something is wrong with me. who knows. i sure dont want to know. life feels as though its slowly spiraling down. i just want to go to sleep and forget everything. but whos to say what they dream? i sometimes dream about things in real life. i like my dreams better when they are just me and the fire. i cant wait for school to be back in. its something that helps keep my mind off my life and on my friends or on hector. except wehn those damn counslers get into everything. i ahte them. anywho i guess i will stope my pointless writing now. laterz
so is it just me or does christmas time suck a big nut!!! i don't know how christmas is supossed to make you feel so happy and giddy it just makes me want to cut a little deeper...family and relgion the two things that have hurt me the worst all balled up into a day of "fun", "gifts", and "happiness"...gag myself here...sorry about that rant i guess i just needed it out of my system and here is the only place i can express my true feelings... i haven't posted on a long while and things were actually going good for a while... i left everything behind in El Paso and moved on to new friends and basicly a new life...but old pains and scars catch up with you...new people same old shit happening i honestly would like to know what i could have done to deserve these things happening to me, what did i do in a past life to bring on all this saddnes and pain...i guess i'll never know...so anyways i'm back and happy to have a place to come to...