my breakdown

so i had a complete and total breakdown today. ive only had one of those before and this one was pretty bad. i couldnt take it anymore, this house, this so called family, this life, all i wanted to do was just scream.

it all started as soon as i woke up this morning, my stepdad (that bastard) was drunk and came in my room adn started yelling at me about how he's glad im not his real kid cuz he couldnt ever raise afuck up. i usually dont pay attention to him but he just kept at it. finally i decided to stand up for myself. i ended up yelling at him telling him "if u want a fuck up go look in the mirror" and then out of nowhere he hit me. ME! after the inital shock of what he did set it, i got off the floor and told him to get out. seconds later my mom came in asking what all the comotion was about. i told her he hit me and i assumed she would yell at him, because she made it clear tha he was never to touch me. well i was suprised when she began yelling at me calling me "ungrateful,selfish,the ever famus fuck up, and of course how i just embarassed her, and that if i wasnt her daughter she wouldnt love me. "so thats what i am to you" i thought, well thats nice o know. she left the room in tears, which idk y she was crying, but then as he was leaving adn about to close my door he said "no one wants to be around u...not even ur boyfriend" (he was refering to my friend who killed himself last week)

i didnt know what to say, those words hit me hard, and i just locked my door, and i began trashing my room, tearing posters off the wall, breaking things, and then i saw the pic of me and my bf (it was taken 4 days before his suicide) and i just sat in a corner and cried. then finally i got up and i began digging through all my stuff, at the time i had no idea what i was looking for, until i saw it my razor blade.

i remember making at least 7 cuts up my arm and i watched the blood flow, i didnt care if it got all over the place, then i made the 8th cut very close to my wrist and it was bleeding pretty bad....and it wouldnt stop, adn then finally i fell asleep....

i woke up and the house was empty, so i went to the kitchen and on the table was a note from my mom it said a simple "im sorry, love mom"

sorries cant fix me anymore

god i miss him so much
  • Current Music
    the sound of my heart
Walk Through Hell

(no subject)

So it's been a long time. I just rejoined but I've been in this community under the sn dntwasteurtouch for a long time.

I don't even know what to say any more except that I just cut again for the first time in a while.
I've never really quit.
The longest I've gone is ten months.
But I don't know if I'll ever stop for good.
And that scares me.

There are so many people I care about and who I know care about me that this hurts too, but it just gets unbearable. I either lie in bed crying all night or I cut and somehow find the peace of mind to drift off to sleep.
It lets me feel drained.

I don't cut on my arms any more because I really don't want people to see.
But now my upper right thigh is a mess.

I'm scared.
I don't even know why I'm upset.

I just feel empty.
  • Current Mood
    blank blank

fuck the recovery process

recovery is pointless. seriously, the therapist my mother sent me to today sucked, altho i humored myself by being a mute for 50 min. wasting money is fun i suppose, but then of course i had to get my head ripped off on the way home about how not talking is worse. thats funny it took her about 4 yrs to realize something is wrong with me....and now she thinks i need help, maybe help would have worked before but im to far in now, im to far into my grave that getting out is gonna take more then some therapist.

im not an angry person, well maybe i am but i think my anger is justified. isnt it? i mena i have had a fucked up past, adn ill prolly have a fucked up future, something u cant change and somethings u can.....i just wish this would all go away, but i gave up n wishes that will never come true along time ago

without him here.....i feel so empty, is that what he wanted??

hmmm rant?

well i guess im still here, yea after he died they found a note saying he didnt want me to go through with the plan and that if i still loved him i im not. but i guess that means i'll have so suffer day in and day out without someone to confide in. this is going to be hard, i can already feel myself breaking, i look in the mirror and i dont see me anymore...but then again i never reakky saw the true me *shrugs*

well i went back to cutting, its all i have now. i suppose i longed to feel the razor on my skin and i longed to watch the blood leave my body just like the pain that i was trying so hard to release.

i went to the doctor today and he saw my cuts that were recently made and he was like "u know pl cut because they are going through some kind of pain" when he said that i was thinking "no shit sherlock, im glad u learned something in med school" but yea see thats why i hate doctors and shrinks, grr

im serious how can u help someone when all u know on the subject is what u learned in school, or read ina book, it doesnt add up, not everyone is the same, not everyone falls under a chapter in some book. this isnt like building a model airplane, there is no instruction manual.. and thats why i joined this community because this is where ppl can go and talk to other ppl whio CAN to all the ppl who are willing to help anyone from this community Thanks...u guys are the only ones who can get it, and u dont need some fancy degree to understand the tings i go through....

Thank you
  • Current Mood
    apathetic the mood says it all

(no subject)

Do we take drugs to get high? or just not to feel? Do we cut because we need to? Or do we cut because we have to? What is the difference? Have we become such a society that people are willing to hurt and ultimatly kill themselves not to feel? To get away from it? To tell the truth I'm scared, because if we're not there already, we're heading dangerously close. My scars remind me of everything that has happened in my life good or bad, does that mean I'm numb to the pain, that I can't tell the difference between good and bad? Does it even matter? That is the biggest question of all, I think, does it matter? What matters, is it really what you do with you're life, if so who decides what was worth while?

I saw a bunch of boys in the woods a couple weeks ago, they were about ten or twelve and they were passing around a joint, I just looked at them. Even though I knew it was wrong, esspecially that young, I didn't say anything. Does this mean that I am lazy? Does this mean that I don't really find it as reprehensible as I should? Does it mean that I don't want to get involved? Or does it mean that I simply don't care? I don't know. I truely don't know.

These are just my late - night rambling, feel free to leave a comment.
  • Current Music
    Drug Years on VH1

(no subject)

im new and i dont know if this is allowed

but i recently cut myself and instantly regretted it, since i had been cut free for so long.

any ways you guys know of to make it close up fast and go away? i dont want the memories.


Stuff going on.

So yeah I haven't posted in a while, I'm staying prettymuch cut free, a few instences here and there but pretty much cut free. I went to the beach a few days ago and was panicking about how to cover my scars, I have a ton on my thigh. I put tons of make up on it, but it turns out we just lay in the sun so i didn't have to take my skirt off.

My brother passes his second portion of army ranger training, I think hes insane but I'll never tell him that. I'll never tell him that I think the war he fought in is unjust, and illeagal, he doesn't diserve that. He's a good man, this wasn't his desision to go to war. I am all for supporting the troops, even if the war they're fighting erks me to my very core.

My brother couldn't be there for my high school graduation because of his army stuff, he hasn't been there for any of my important things since before my Bat Miztvah ( I was 13), and he feel really bad I know. So when he graduates from Ranger school he's flying me out to Georgia to pin his Ranger badge on him. I almost cried when I found out. I love him so much.

So that's my life as of late.

So how are you all?
  • Current Music
    Vioces Downstairs

(no subject)

Hi all. I'm into SI and I have been so since the 6th grade (11 years of age) . I'm going to be a senior (17 years of age) in high school this fall. I've had some really tragic things happen to me that have triggered my cutting, and I don't think I'll ever get through it.

Okay, that was a bit of nonsense. I'm not sure why I said it. Oh...well. I just wanted to come to a place where there are others like me.

I also thought I'd share this site with all of you:

The people there have helped me through some tough times. The pictures can be triggering, but they're also really helpful. And there are people there who really understand what SI means, and why we do it.

It may not help me stop completely, but because of that site and the people, I've been able to hold off and slow down with my self injury. I don't want to stop cutting, but I want to stop hurting my friends by doing it.

Call me Raven.