Would anyone here be interested in a writers community where you can post any type of writing you see fit, and to rant? I'm thinking of starting one up with my girlfriend... lemme know if anyone would be interested.
well since the last time i've written in here alot has happend. I decided maybe the answer couldnt be found in meds, and that maybe i needed to just get up and leave. so one night when my mom was asleep i left. i went to my bf's grave and sat, then i got up and walked until i was lost. but it was funny i wasnt lost, well i was but i knew that was where i wanted to be...idk its hard to explain.
idk it was so weird being alone, i didnt care tho..anything beats being at home. but like usual all good things come to an end and i ended up back at home, god dammit i am pissed aobut that. right away when i got back i went to my room, its the one place that i like about my home, other than that nothing. mom is begingn to blame herself, but this isnt about her, its about me. god that sounds selfish but idk what else to say.
but yea today was bad....real bad. i began to cut...and i didnt know when to stop....but it felt so good u know?
i dont think ill ever get better...but maybe i dont want to..im so used to this life..if u can even call it that
I keep telling myself I'm happy...new boyfriend..new classes...new life. But am I really happy. I think about cutting 24-7 but I havent done it havent taken the dive again. I was thinking maybe if I joined a community about this that maybe it would help..Because nothing else has. Maybe I will develope my own community, would anyone be interested in an anti suicide community?
anyhow, I've gone to calling myself Tyler now, but only in my head...no one actually calls me tyler..But you all can call me either..Nicole or Tyler, bet you can guess what the real name is. anyhow heres a bit about me thats not so pathetic..or maybe it is.
I started cutting at 13, god I remember the first time..it was such release. I have been going to therapy for almost a year now. I think July, 13th was my going bizerk day. I had nothing to lose, my boyfriend was in the hospital for suicide. It just sounded poetic to me. Girl Kills Herself After Boyfriend is Admitted. But hey I had so much shit in my life I just couldn't deal. So I started cutting, then I started having increasingly bad panic attacks. Was all good until I decided I didnt want to live anymore. Then my daily thoughts were consumed with I bet your guitar cord would make a great noose. Or I bet if you slit your wrists it wouldnt hurt much. I kept lieing tomyself and the monster grew inside my head. Until it consumed me. July 13th 2005 I tried it. I was planing on driving my car into a semi on the way to work...instead I made it to work on time...Stayed there for a couple of hours...and then went to the bathroom with something sharp...I sliced and sliced and sliced. God it felt good, but then when I went back to work in this numb sort of haze my manager noticed and drug me into the back room where she noticed the cuts and called the cops. I was numb mom didnt want me to go, so she drove me instead. To the emergency room I went where I stayed most of the night..Then it was off to cedar springs...where I was put in a bed..then sent off to therapy. Sometimes I wish I could just stay there...it would be easy right..wrong..I need to learn to live my life.
anyhow. Thanks for letting me blab..I'm like this crazy girl who dosent shut up. I'm a complete Lj whore, you post on mine I'll post on yours. Plus suicidals need to comminicat with the outside world..asking for help is no longer a weakness...its a plea..a desperate plea for help.
I've been working to reduce the negativity and trolling on livejournal, and a few people under my watch have been provoking cutters. I'm sure you know who these people are, and I apologize on their behalf. I've told them over and over that, unless they experience the day-to-day pain of razors through flesh, they cannot judge you.
I'm here to make amends on behalf of the trolls, and to prove it, I'll be cutting soon. Just for a day, so that I may understand your side of the story. I tried doing it with the letter opener I had immediately at hand, but it proved too dull to do the job.
Any suggestions you can offer would be great. Like, what's your favorite cutting instrument....what music should I play in the background? I know pictures are a must.
I hope that in doing this I may open a new channel between those who suffer from cutting and those who misjudge them.
so today is my b-day...ah the lovely age of 17....yes its something most would be happy about...but im not most people.
today was just an example of what life has in store for me, and i dont like it one bit. there was only one thing that came from today so my bf's mom stopped by. she said she had something to give me and i was confused, but then she held out her hand and revealed an envalope. she then went on to tell me in his suicide note he ask that she give me this envalope on my birthday...tears filled my eyes. i went to my room and opend it up, there was a letter and inside the letter was a ring, it was my bf's ring that he never took off...he wanted me to have it...i cried.
Then mother, and the bastard (as i like to call him) went out drinking...they got back an hr ago and bitched me out..for what i couldnt tell you , i refuse to listen to them...well thats what i tell myself...they do get to me, infact i spent most of my night slicing up my arms..yes its not good, i dont care anymore, no one does. i lost the one thing i held on to and ppl cant see that im falling fast
seriously. things havent been good, and it doesnt look as tho they will be getting better
oh but the bastard did get me a birthday gift....if u call being slammed against ur bedroom wall and nearly choked while hearing how much of an ungrateful little bitch u are a gift.
I found a few things I wrote ages ago about cutting. I thought I'd share. I've probably posted them in this community before under another name, but oh well.
"This isn't another fucking pointless trend. We aren't more slaves to the world who are taught what to feel and think. The world is a mindless cult. We're looking for a way to escape that and cutting is the way we choose to escape from you molding us to your 'perfection.'"
eternity in bloody pleasure get a knife slit your wrists live forever make a fist hurt yourself and when you're done the bruises cuts and pain are gone
"It's not about being cool. It's about being in love with the pain."
"I've got a way to explain cutting to those who don't cut. If you don't cut you really can't know the feeling. You can't know why we do it. I remember talking to Amanda before I cut and when she would do it I'd freak out and tell her not to. I still do. It's mainly cause she said she went sXe and I guess I wanted her to actually do it, but I gave up last night and this morning I just started thinking about it. Even I don't understand sometimes, cause I guess I'm not really that much of a cutter. I don't go too deep but it's basically cause I'm afraid I'll do some permenant damage. Amanda doesn't even think about that. Well anyway my way of explaining is a feeling that I do understand. It's like being horny, but not for sex, for pain. You really need to cut. So there you go... anyone agree?"
It's almost different now. Sometimes it's like that, but others it's like if I don't, I'll tear myself apart. Everything inside me wants to run in a different direction and it's just a way I can mellow myself out. When I get in one of those moods, without it I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't do anything but cry and scream and it gets impossible to hold myself in one place... if that makes the slightest sense at all.
Tonight I'm ok.
In the morning my scars are just reminders.
But while I'm making them, I am nothing but the flesh and the blood and the razor. I'm finally centered. I'm finally calm. I'm finally whole. And I know that I'm in control.