ub (dimmed_flames) wrote in _bloody_sorrow_,

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What is truly "Clean" Does it exist or is it a merely tricking time.

I haven't self injured for the period of one month now. I had been self injuring for 3 years or more at this point, and the longest I have gone without had been approximately 3 months.

However looking in from the outside, detached from my feelings I realize I was never really clean. It was my life that was cleaner. Though my life may not be anything you'd probably even garb in the seductive word of "life" I am still merely tricking time and my mind by rather turning to an eating disorder and flaring the internal issues that burn within me in place of self injury.

Writing this, perhaps I can see the possibility of being truly clean. Perhaps it's the genuine bid of farewell towards all coping behavoirs one has. But if someone can cut, burn or hurt themselves in any other way they most likely hate themselves enough to be unable to let go of these outward symptoms of that hate. Perhaps if I learnt to not hate myself I'd be at odds with all my issues but until I learn that if I ever shall, I'll always be trapped in some kind of self inflicted punishment, wether that be my self injury, eating disorder or other.
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