I have no Name...As Nothing can Name Me (rain_poet) wrote in _bloody_sorrow_,
I have no Name...As Nothing can Name Me
rain_poet
_bloody_sorrow_

New...

I keep telling myself I'm happy...new boyfriend..new classes...new life. But am I really happy. I think about cutting 24-7 but I havent done it havent taken the dive again. I was thinking maybe if I joined a community about this that maybe it would help..Because nothing else has. Maybe I will develope my own community, would anyone be interested in an anti suicide community?


anyhow, I've gone to calling myself Tyler now, but only in my head...no one actually calls me tyler..But you all can call me either..Nicole or Tyler, bet you can guess what the real name is. anyhow heres a bit about me thats not so pathetic..or maybe it is.


I started cutting at 13, god I remember the first time..it was such release. I have been going to therapy for almost a year now. I think July, 13th was my going bizerk day. I had nothing to lose, my boyfriend was in the hospital for suicide. It just sounded poetic to me. Girl Kills Herself After Boyfriend is Admitted. But hey I had so much shit in my life I just couldn't deal. So I started cutting, then I started having increasingly bad panic attacks. Was all good until I decided I didnt want to live anymore. Then my daily thoughts were consumed with I bet your guitar cord would make a great noose. Or I bet if you slit your wrists it wouldnt hurt much. I kept lieing tomyself and the monster grew inside my head. Until it consumed me. July 13th 2005 I tried it. I was planing on driving my car into a semi on the way to work...instead I made it to work on time...Stayed there for a couple of hours...and then went to the bathroom with something sharp...I sliced and sliced and sliced. God it felt good, but then when I went back to work in this numb sort of haze my manager noticed and drug me into the back room where she noticed the cuts and called the cops. I was numb mom didnt want me to go, so she drove me instead. To the emergency room I went where I stayed most of the night..Then it was off to cedar springs...where I was put in a bed..then sent off to therapy. Sometimes I wish I could just stay there...it would be easy right..wrong..I need to learn to live my life.

anyhow. Thanks for letting me blab..I'm like this crazy girl who dosent shut up. I'm a complete Lj whore, you post on mine I'll post on yours. Plus suicidals need to comminicat with the outside world..asking for help is no longer a weakness...its a plea..a desperate plea for help.
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