slowly_dying000 (slowly_dying000) wrote in _bloody_sorrow_,

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my breakdown

so i had a complete and total breakdown today. ive only had one of those before and this one was pretty bad. i couldnt take it anymore, this house, this so called family, this life, all i wanted to do was just scream.

it all started as soon as i woke up this morning, my stepdad (that bastard) was drunk and came in my room adn started yelling at me about how he's glad im not his real kid cuz he couldnt ever raise afuck up. i usually dont pay attention to him but he just kept at it. finally i decided to stand up for myself. i ended up yelling at him telling him "if u want a fuck up go look in the mirror" and then out of nowhere he hit me. ME! after the inital shock of what he did set it, i got off the floor and told him to get out. seconds later my mom came in asking what all the comotion was about. i told her he hit me and i assumed she would yell at him, because she made it clear tha he was never to touch me. well i was suprised when she began yelling at me calling me "ungrateful,selfish,the ever famus fuck up, and of course how i just embarassed her, and that if i wasnt her daughter she wouldnt love me. "so thats what i am to you" i thought, well thats nice o know. she left the room in tears, which idk y she was crying, but then as he was leaving adn about to close my door he said "no one wants to be around u...not even ur boyfriend" (he was refering to my friend who killed himself last week)

i didnt know what to say, those words hit me hard, and i just locked my door, and i began trashing my room, tearing posters off the wall, breaking things, and then i saw the pic of me and my bf (it was taken 4 days before his suicide) and i just sat in a corner and cried. then finally i got up and i began digging through all my stuff, at the time i had no idea what i was looking for, until i saw it my razor blade.

i remember making at least 7 cuts up my arm and i watched the blood flow, i didnt care if it got all over the place, then i made the 8th cut very close to my wrist and it was bleeding pretty bad....and it wouldnt stop, adn then finally i fell asleep....

i woke up and the house was empty, so i went to the kitchen and on the table was a note from my mom it said a simple "im sorry, love mom"

sorries cant fix me anymore

god i miss him so much
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