July 1st, 2006

Walk Through Hell

(no subject)

I found a few things I wrote ages ago about cutting.
I thought I'd share.
I've probably posted them in this community before under another name, but oh well.

"This isn't another fucking pointless trend. We aren't more slaves to the world who are taught what to feel and think. The world is a mindless cult. We're looking for a way to escape that and cutting is the way we choose to escape from you molding us to your 'perfection.'"

eternity in bloody pleasure
get a knife
slit your wrists
live forever
make a fist
hurt yourself
and when you're done
the bruises cuts and pain are gone

"It's not about being cool. It's about being in love with the pain."

"I've got a way to explain cutting to those who don't cut. If you don't cut you really can't know the feeling. You can't know why we do it. I remember talking to Amanda before I cut and when she would do it I'd freak out and tell her not to. I still do. It's mainly cause she said she went sXe and I guess I wanted her to actually do it, but I gave up last night and this morning I just started thinking about it. Even I don't understand sometimes, cause I guess I'm not really that much of a cutter. I don't go too deep but it's basically cause I'm afraid I'll do some permenant damage. Amanda doesn't even think about that. Well anyway my way of explaining is a feeling that I do understand. It's like being horny, but not for sex, for pain. You really need to cut. So there you go... anyone agree?"

It's almost different now. Sometimes it's like that, but others it's like if I don't, I'll tear myself apart. Everything inside me wants to run in a different direction and it's just a way I can mellow myself out. When I get in one of those moods, without it I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't do anything but cry and scream and it gets impossible to hold myself in one place... if that makes the slightest sense at all.

Tonight I'm ok.

In the morning my scars are just reminders.

But while I'm making them, I am nothing but the flesh and the blood and the razor. I'm finally centered. I'm finally calm. I'm finally whole. And I know that I'm in control.
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful

another year, and what do i haev to show for it?

so today is my b-day...ah the lovely age of 17....yes its something most would be happy about...but im not most people.

today was just an example of what life has in store for me, and i dont like it one bit. there was only one thing that came from today
so my bf's mom stopped by. she said she had something to give me and i was confused, but then she held out her hand and revealed an envalope. she then went on to tell me in his suicide note he ask that she give me this envalope on my birthday...tears filled my eyes.
i went to my room and opend it up, there was a letter and inside the letter was a ring, it was my bf's ring that he never took off...he wanted me to have it...i cried.

Then mother, and the bastard (as i like to call him) went out drinking...they got back an hr ago and bitched me out..for what i couldnt tell you , i refuse to listen to them...well thats what i tell myself...they do get to me, infact i spent most of my night slicing up my arms..yes its not good, i dont care anymore, no one does. i lost the one thing i held on to and ppl cant see that im falling fast

seriously. things havent been good, and it doesnt look as tho they will be getting better

oh but the bastard did get me a birthday gift....if u call being slammed against ur bedroom wall and nearly choked while hearing how much of an ungrateful little bitch u are a gift.

yes i can feel the love
  • Current Music
    Gary Jules: Mad World (from Donnie Darko)