Why Me?

Wow

I am this community's creator. I created it a very long time ago when I realized that there were many, many people out there who needed to find others like them. This community has been active for a very long time, and while it has slowed considerably, I'd like to bring it back from the dead. I am going to monitor it more often.

To help in bringing it back from the dead, I'm going to speak about my progress the past few years. I am on pills, and I still self-abuse, though I generally only cut when I'm highly wound up. Since I've created this community, I've been hospitalized twice - one inpatient, one outpatient, and my therapist and I are going to evaluate me for borderline personality disorder in two weeks, at my next appointment. It has me a little bit worried, but I am not stressing over it. Anxiety has been eating my life for a long time, and it seems to be the top issue now...

I'd love to see this community start up again!

~ Kit
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    calm calm

(no subject)

i have this weird feeling that i can't explain i don't know what is wrong with me. it's like everything i do is wrong and i can't control anything i feel so vulnerable, when i don't cut or restrict my diet i don't feel like myself. i feel like a piece of me is missing and everything is moving too fast, has anyone else ever felt this way? i don't know what's wrong with me i havent cut in like 5 months and it kind of scares me to have in a way lost this comfort. i'm still a cutter but because i've had much more control lately i feel like i've become someone different but i don't like myself because i feel like i've become weak i know this is probably wrong but i can't help feeling like i've lost a piece of me. instead i'm always tired lately and i don't ever have time for anything. i also lately feel so alone, i'm still single and i hate it, i feel like nobody wants me. my mood is a ocnstant rollercoaster going up and down and i feel like i can't trust anyone lately, people who i used to be best friends with are almost completely out of my life and that scares me they're the people i shared so many things with and once again i feel like a piece of me is gone like i'm being shredded, i don't know what to do except cry.
rose

(no subject)

So right now, I am one of the one ones who is single in my group of friends. And I hate the fact that it bothers me. It hurts me to see them kiss or mess around on the floor. I hate my self for feeling that way.

I know they care about me and if I asked them to they would probably stop. But I don't want to do that. They have every right to be happy.

But they keep asking whats wrong and I can't tell them which worries them.

Oh well I'll get over it.
rose

(no subject)

ok som I ahve sort of a weird situation.

There is this boy I emt in school, and I think I like him but I'm not sure, anyway he seems to like me back, hes always flirting with me, or well I think hes flirting, he always puts his arm around me, when we're walking and when we're sitting, he also rests on my shoulders alot, he also plays wiht my hair alot, messing it up and just simply playing with it. He seems to liek to touch em when we're talking. We used to get into piching battles and ruller fights like we were kids, sometimes though we would pinch eachother so hard we would leave bruises. hes protective of my when I'm around other guys, he always puts his arm on/around me more. He wispers in my ear alot to. I know I'm 18 nd in college and shoudl be able to figure this out on my own but this one is hard. Things like this it seems never get any easier though. anyway, the thing is when ever hes around a mutual friend, he semi ignores me, he still puts his arm on and around me, but somthing says hes paying alot of sttention to here and what shes saying. Now I know he had a bit of a crush on her at the begining of the year, before I met him. Soon after we met, we went out on a couple of dates, but then nothing happened it just moved into him flirting.
Ok so heres where it gets complicated, There is this other friend of ours, a guy, who I think likes me to, but still I get the feelign he also likes the ame mutual friend. But he doesn't do any of the physical flirting stiff the othet guy does, he just says things, little things mostly, but cute flirty things.
And then there is this other guy, who I think likes me to, hes in my drawing class and always walks me to and from class, even tohugh it makes him late for other things. is always following me, telling my how interesting anf pretty I am.

The thing is, I think I like the first boy the most, but I don't know whats going on with him, the second boy I also don't know what to do about, and the third boy I like him but not as much. The thing is hwo long do I wait for the first boy who confuses me before going for the third one who is safe?

The mutual friend also has a boyfriend who lives far away who she is in love with. So sometimes with the first two boys I feel like I'm second best. I asked the first boy if he liked the mutual friend once, but he said not, that he liked her just as a friend.

The wholw thing is just confusing for me. I know I'm being stupid but I felt like I just had to rant.

(no subject)

don't you hate when everything is soo good but then it all just instantly disappears? it makes cutting all the more tempting. i;m trying to stay strong and think positive but sometimes it's just so hard as you all know. also i don;t understand why when i'm doing great and i'm really happy and then one little thing can bring me down to rock bottom does anyoen else have this?
right now i have 3 guys imparticular that r on my mind. all three have had their ass hole moments and now idk what is going on and i'm so confused because they're always sending me mixed signals which i hate why can't they just be straightforward i mean yea i know its hard but they could at least help me out here. it's too long and complicated to put all the details of these guys soo i'm just gonna leave it like this but i have to say just writing this has helped me feel a little bit better.
let me just ask you all who would u pick

1. a guy who makes you think he likes you but when he realizes there might be much more stops talking for a little but then comes back after awhile but doesnt want a relationship but still wants to talk about what you would do together and about each other

2. a guy who wants to do stuff together seems to like you but doesn't seem to want to get to know you that well

3. a guy who is horny but wants to get to know you but seems to only want to hu but also hints to wanting more if u say u want more (but i'm not sure about whether or not i like him yet)

tell me what you think bc i'm lost and i guess you could say i've had "things" with all three. I hate things because they either lead to nowhere, pain, or being trapped

sorry that the descriptions aren't soo good but please let me know what you think as soon as you can
xo love you all
  • Current Music
    holler - blue october
trach receptacle

photography project: need volunteers/models

my name is sarah. i, myself, have been a cutter for about 7 years or so now. i suffer from depression and have suffered from eating disorders in the past.

that being said, i'll get to my point.

i am a photography major at point park university in pittsburgh, pa. i have a documentary class this semester. i want my big project to be on self-injury and the people behind the scars. my problem is, i need volunteers to be photographed. I am willing to travel, but it depends on how far. my goal is to photograph you in your environment (i.e. place of peacefulness, your school grounds, a place that triggers you, your home - although i completely understand how weird that may sound coming from a stranger on myspace).

if any body can help me out, i would greatly appreciate it.


sarah


ps, there are some pictures that i've taken in the blogs on my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/photohippie  if you want to check it out to see that i am legit, they are there. keep in mind, though, that the pictures i plan to take will not be in a "senior portrait" style (like the portraits that are on there), rather a documentarian style. just think photojournalism meets art.

i try to see the good in life...but good things in life are hard to find

well i used towrite in here under Slowly_dying000..but that account was deleted. and i thought for some stupid reason that i would never need to write in here again becase once again i believed that everything would be fine....but once again i was wrong. im so naive adn dumb sometime. but is it that wrong to want to have something to believe in?

anyway things bagan spiraling out of control about a month ago. i give myself credit for staying someone sane. anyway. i lost my bf, and he was also my bestfriend. after we broke up he wanted nothing to do with me...i was crushed. then, things at home began gowing downhill. i began drinking alot to erase my problems and it got so bad that about 2 weeks ago i ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and attepted suicide. yes and thats not bad enough, i didnt remember trying to kill myself. so now i am afraid of my own thoughts. its funny how the things that keep us sane will eventually cause our insanity. anyway...i dont know what else to do..i picked up a razor today and i was so tempted to...i dont think i can go on not doing it much longer. somethings never change. my life hasnt changed so why should i? i havent been eating much either, its just that it doesnt seem worth it..nothing does. i want to just feel myself slowly breakdown into nothing because all my life that is what i told i was...NOTHING.
  • Current Music
    Daughtry: It's Not Over
Walk Through Hell

(no subject)

I miss cutting.

I miss it so badly.



But I just can't hurt him like that.

I just really want to bleed.
I want to watch it flow out of me, like I'm draining myself of all these flaws.
It's like maybe if I need that enough, I won't need him so badly.
I'm such a needy little bitch.
I really hate myself today.
rose

(no subject)

sooooo yeah, I am depressed. Not the normal depressed but the sick to my stomach, can't smile at all depressed.

I miss my college so badly, most of all the people there, you go form spending practicly all day with people to not seeing them at all. Its depressing, its really really depressing.
The guy I thought I liked; it turned out, I really like him alot but as a really good friend. I know that shouldn't make me sad but it does.
My little brother got mad at me so he smashed my laptop on the corner of the couch armrest. Theres a little mountain on the other side of the laptop. He is buying me a new one, but I still can't belive he did that. I really want to go back and see my friends. Most of my high school friends have a different christmas break scheduale than me so they aren't back from college till mostly the week of christmas. Normally this is my favorite time of year but I am just so depressed.
My older brother is in iraq, I heard form him today but I am still worried sick. And one of my uncles who has lukemia also had to have open heart surgery.

I'm trying to lose wieght but I keep eating because I'm so sad.
Damn I have got to stop.

So anyway how are you all?