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February 5th, 2008

05:13 pm - Wow
I am this community's creator. I created it a very long time ago when I realized that there were many, many people out there who needed to find others like them. This community has been active for a very long time, and while it has slowed considerably, I'd like to bring it back from the dead. I am going to monitor it more often.

To help in bringing it back from the dead, I'm going to speak about my progress the past few years. I am on pills, and I still self-abuse, though I generally only cut when I'm highly wound up. Since I've created this community, I've been hospitalized twice - one inpatient, one outpatient, and my therapist and I are going to evaluate me for borderline personality disorder in two weeks, at my next appointment. It has me a little bit worried, but I am not stressing over it. Anxiety has been eating my life for a long time, and it seems to be the top issue now...

I'd love to see this community start up again!

~ Kit
Current Mood: calmcalm

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June 11th, 2007

11:00 pm
I can't believe myself.

I'm not even sad.
I just miss it.

And I didn't feel anything at all.

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May 15th, 2007

11:27 pm
i have this weird feeling that i can't explain i don't know what is wrong with me. it's like everything i do is wrong and i can't control anything i feel so vulnerable, when i don't cut or restrict my diet i don't feel like myself. i feel like a piece of me is missing and everything is moving too fast, has anyone else ever felt this way? i don't know what's wrong with me i havent cut in like 5 months and it kind of scares me to have in a way lost this comfort. i'm still a cutter but because i've had much more control lately i feel like i've become someone different but i don't like myself because i feel like i've become weak i know this is probably wrong but i can't help feeling like i've lost a piece of me. instead i'm always tired lately and i don't ever have time for anything. i also lately feel so alone, i'm still single and i hate it, i feel like nobody wants me. my mood is a ocnstant rollercoaster going up and down and i feel like i can't trust anyone lately, people who i used to be best friends with are almost completely out of my life and that scares me they're the people i shared so many things with and once again i feel like a piece of me is gone like i'm being shredded, i don't know what to do except cry.

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April 27th, 2007

09:19 pm
So right now, I am one of the one ones who is single in my group of friends. And I hate the fact that it bothers me. It hurts me to see them kiss or mess around on the floor. I hate my self for feeling that way.

I know they care about me and if I asked them to they would probably stop. But I don't want to do that. They have every right to be happy.

But they keep asking whats wrong and I can't tell them which worries them.

Oh well I'll get over it.

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March 6th, 2007

12:44 am
ok som I ahve sort of a weird situation.

There is this boy I emt in school, and I think I like him but I'm not sure, anyway he seems to like me back, hes always flirting with me, or well I think hes flirting, he always puts his arm around me, when we're walking and when we're sitting, he also rests on my shoulders alot, he also plays wiht my hair alot, messing it up and just simply playing with it. He seems to liek to touch em when we're talking. We used to get into piching battles and ruller fights like we were kids, sometimes though we would pinch eachother so hard we would leave bruises. hes protective of my when I'm around other guys, he always puts his arm on/around me more. He wispers in my ear alot to. I know I'm 18 nd in college and shoudl be able to figure this out on my own but this one is hard. Things like this it seems never get any easier though. anyway, the thing is when ever hes around a mutual friend, he semi ignores me, he still puts his arm on and around me, but somthing says hes paying alot of sttention to here and what shes saying. Now I know he had a bit of a crush on her at the begining of the year, before I met him. Soon after we met, we went out on a couple of dates, but then nothing happened it just moved into him flirting.
Ok so heres where it gets complicated, There is this other friend of ours, a guy, who I think likes me to, but still I get the feelign he also likes the ame mutual friend. But he doesn't do any of the physical flirting stiff the othet guy does, he just says things, little things mostly, but cute flirty things.
And then there is this other guy, who I think likes me to, hes in my drawing class and always walks me to and from class, even tohugh it makes him late for other things. is always following me, telling my how interesting anf pretty I am.

The thing is, I think I like the first boy the most, but I don't know whats going on with him, the second boy I also don't know what to do about, and the third boy I like him but not as much. The thing is hwo long do I wait for the first boy who confuses me before going for the third one who is safe?

The mutual friend also has a boyfriend who lives far away who she is in love with. So sometimes with the first two boys I feel like I'm second best. I asked the first boy if he liked the mutual friend once, but he said not, that he liked her just as a friend.

The wholw thing is just confusing for me. I know I'm being stupid but I felt like I just had to rant.

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February 7th, 2007

10:39 pm
don't you hate when everything is soo good but then it all just instantly disappears? it makes cutting all the more tempting. i;m trying to stay strong and think positive but sometimes it's just so hard as you all know. also i don;t understand why when i'm doing great and i'm really happy and then one little thing can bring me down to rock bottom does anyoen else have this?
right now i have 3 guys imparticular that r on my mind. all three have had their ass hole moments and now idk what is going on and i'm so confused because they're always sending me mixed signals which i hate why can't they just be straightforward i mean yea i know its hard but they could at least help me out here. it's too long and complicated to put all the details of these guys soo i'm just gonna leave it like this but i have to say just writing this has helped me feel a little bit better.
let me just ask you all who would u pick

1. a guy who makes you think he likes you but when he realizes there might be much more stops talking for a little but then comes back after awhile but doesnt want a relationship but still wants to talk about what you would do together and about each other

2. a guy who wants to do stuff together seems to like you but doesn't seem to want to get to know you that well

3. a guy who is horny but wants to get to know you but seems to only want to hu but also hints to wanting more if u say u want more (but i'm not sure about whether or not i like him yet)

tell me what you think bc i'm lost and i guess you could say i've had "things" with all three. I hate things because they either lead to nowhere, pain, or being trapped

sorry that the descriptions aren't soo good but please let me know what you think as soon as you can
xo love you all
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: holler - blue october

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January 31st, 2007

11:34 pm - photography project: need volunteers/models
my name is sarah. i, myself, have been a cutter for about 7 years or so now. i suffer from depression and have suffered from eating disorders in the past.

that being said, i'll get to my point.

i am a photography major at point park university in pittsburgh, pa. i have a documentary class this semester. i want my big project to be on self-injury and the people behind the scars. my problem is, i need volunteers to be photographed. I am willing to travel, but it depends on how far. my goal is to photograph you in your environment (i.e. place of peacefulness, your school grounds, a place that triggers you, your home - although i completely understand how weird that may sound coming from a stranger on myspace).

if any body can help me out, i would greatly appreciate it.


ps, there are some pictures that i've taken in the blogs on my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/photohippie  if you want to check it out to see that i am legit, they are there. keep in mind, though, that the pictures i plan to take will not be in a "senior portrait" style (like the portraits that are on there), rather a documentarian style. just think photojournalism meets art.

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January 27th, 2007

10:03 pm - i try to see the good in life...but good things in life are hard to find
well i used towrite in here under Slowly_dying000..but that account was deleted. and i thought for some stupid reason that i would never need to write in here again becase once again i believed that everything would be fine....but once again i was wrong. im so naive adn dumb sometime. but is it that wrong to want to have something to believe in?

anyway things bagan spiraling out of control about a month ago. i give myself credit for staying someone sane. anyway. i lost my bf, and he was also my bestfriend. after we broke up he wanted nothing to do with me...i was crushed. then, things at home began gowing downhill. i began drinking alot to erase my problems and it got so bad that about 2 weeks ago i ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and attepted suicide. yes and thats not bad enough, i didnt remember trying to kill myself. so now i am afraid of my own thoughts. its funny how the things that keep us sane will eventually cause our insanity. anyway...i dont know what else to do..i picked up a razor today and i was so tempted to...i dont think i can go on not doing it much longer. somethings never change. my life hasnt changed so why should i? i havent been eating much either, its just that it doesnt seem worth it..nothing does. i want to just feel myself slowly breakdown into nothing because all my life that is what i told i was...NOTHING.
Current Music: Daughtry: It's Not Over

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December 30th, 2006

11:09 pm
I miss cutting.

I miss it so badly.

But I just can't hurt him like that.

I just really want to bleed.
I want to watch it flow out of me, like I'm draining myself of all these flaws.
It's like maybe if I need that enough, I won't need him so badly.
I'm such a needy little bitch.
I really hate myself today.

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December 3rd, 2006

09:15 pm
sooooo yeah, I am depressed. Not the normal depressed but the sick to my stomach, can't smile at all depressed.

I miss my college so badly, most of all the people there, you go form spending practicly all day with people to not seeing them at all. Its depressing, its really really depressing.
The guy I thought I liked; it turned out, I really like him alot but as a really good friend. I know that shouldn't make me sad but it does.
My little brother got mad at me so he smashed my laptop on the corner of the couch armrest. Theres a little mountain on the other side of the laptop. He is buying me a new one, but I still can't belive he did that. I really want to go back and see my friends. Most of my high school friends have a different christmas break scheduale than me so they aren't back from college till mostly the week of christmas. Normally this is my favorite time of year but I am just so depressed.
My older brother is in iraq, I heard form him today but I am still worried sick. And one of my uncles who has lukemia also had to have open heart surgery.

I'm trying to lose wieght but I keep eating because I'm so sad.
Damn I have got to stop.

So anyway how are you all?

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November 26th, 2006

06:11 am
hey i just joined this community but anyways i really need support at the moment because i havent cut in a really long time i think its actually been 2 months but the craving is soo strong right now n im having trouble holding bac the tears i can feel them rising i feel so alone and hurt...ive been hooking up with this guy and i found out he doesnt like me after all and i shuld be used to this by now u know being disappointed by guys but it still hurts a lot and i liked him i wouldve goneo out w. him i really want a new bf but its soo hard to find one because right now all the guys are just about hooking up thats all they want its not fair bc then if we do hook up with them were considered slutty now idk what to do i feel so lost and alone i feel like anytime i get close to having another bf it just ends really quickly anytime good things happen horrible stuff follows..i hope this community helps
Current Mood: crappycrappy

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November 25th, 2006

09:25 pm - Community
While reading this community, I noticed that there are many loving and caring people who have been hurt badly in so many different ways. There are many ways that help is available, and I'm hoping that my community can ease some of your demons.

It doesn't say in the userinfo page that I cannot do this, so here I go and I am terribly sorry if this offends anyone. And if it does, the mod can delete this entry immediately. I created a community a while ago called attemptfailed for people who have attempted suicide. It is not a pro- suicide community, but it is one for people to tell their stories, get advice, find people to relate to, etc.

There is much more about it in the userinfo page, but I thought I'd give a little introduction to the community in case anyone out there is interested. Take care everyone.

Current Mood: boredbored

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October 25th, 2006

10:57 pm
So I haven't in a long time.
And for a while I didn't even think about it.
But lately I'm getting the urges again.
And they're becoming more and more frequent.
I know eventually I'm just going to give in.
I don't want to fuck everything up again.
I don't want to cause myself problems so I can be the one who's hurting.
Because that's one reason I do it.
Or at least that's how it starts.
I hate seeing others around me hurt, so I hurt myself too.
And then I cause myself more problems.
Hurt myself more.
Hurt others.

I don't want this.
I want to be able to cry again.
I want to be able to just let shit out.
But I can't.
And I don't understand why.

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October 21st, 2006

11:04 pm
I have a crush. There I said it. I do. I haven't had one sincde I was a kid. We went out today and really like him. He makes my stomach feel all funny.

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October 13th, 2006

03:40 am - What is truly "Clean" Does it exist or is it a merely tricking time.
I haven't self injured for the period of one month now. I had been self injuring for 3 years or more at this point, and the longest I have gone without had been approximately 3 months.

However looking in from the outside, detached from my feelings I realize I was never really clean. It was my life that was cleaner. Though my life may not be anything you'd probably even garb in the seductive word of "life" I am still merely tricking time and my mind by rather turning to an eating disorder and flaring the internal issues that burn within me in place of self injury.

Writing this, perhaps I can see the possibility of being truly clean. Perhaps it's the genuine bid of farewell towards all coping behavoirs one has. But if someone can cut, burn or hurt themselves in any other way they most likely hate themselves enough to be unable to let go of these outward symptoms of that hate. Perhaps if I learnt to not hate myself I'd be at odds with all my issues but until I learn that if I ever shall, I'll always be trapped in some kind of self inflicted punishment, wether that be my self injury, eating disorder or other.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy

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October 10th, 2006

04:51 pm - been a while in hell.
i have been cut free for like a few months...except when all of my friends completely ditched me for real...not like they left me for some hot guy at the mall but like they all ganged up on me and started rejecting me. I hated everything, the world i had wasn't worth crap, the friends i had died. the life i lived not worth anything anymore and i couldn't take it....i just started cutting and cutting and cutting and when i stopped i got a phone call from morgan who wasn't really a friend then but was like an aquaintance. and she was "tell me whats wrong" i told her and she told me that my friend sofy was sorry and that to forget lori and kelly, to tell them screw themselves that i was my own person and that what they thought meant nothing to me. i thought about it and agreed, if some one is your best of best friends then they shouldn't get rid of you the first sign of a problem, and thanks to morgan i live a better life because i don't care about my friends opinion or them if that means i feel like crap and cut myself..so here is to those who care for what others think because in the long hall they disappear, but scars are forever! so don't listen to fake people.
Current Mood: jubilantjubilant
Current Music: young disease

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October 8th, 2006

12:42 am
hi, i'm Mandy. i'm 25 and in college. i have a full time job and a part time job and full time school. i looked up this community because i don't know where to turn. i just want to talk to someone who understands.

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September 28th, 2006

02:21 am
So college is pretty good, But I am so tempted to cut, there are sharp tbings all around me and the work is hard, but most of all I just miss it, I've been cut free for six months but I miss it terribly. My family is in such a point right now, Two of my uncles have cancer, on has a tumor on his pancreas the other has lukemia. My little brother is not getting any better, He has minor Autism and Siezures, My older brother is going ot Iraq at the end of ocgtober and I am stuck here looking at shiny metal objects. Man it would feel so good right now. My ocd is stagnant, I can't stop touching things muliple times and counting, It can take me two hours to get to sleep because of it. Man a slice would be so good right now. or two. or three.

So how are you all?

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August 29th, 2006

07:20 pm - lost and confused...the usual
Ahh another stressful day. school will be starting soon for me, and by soon i mean next week monday. *sighs*.

i dont know if i can do it this year. he was the last thing i had, he literally helped me get through most of my dark days. and now i wont have him why? because i couldnt help him get through one of his...his last one.

Mother and I had a huge arguement today, infact we are still fighting only instead of using words we are yelling "i hate you" in silence......silence in my opinion is more hurtful.

i hate being the daughter she cant help.
i hate being the one who has failed.
i hate feeling like this (but i love it at the same time)

but most of all i hate not knowing whats expected of me, or who i am as a person. everyone around me is having life changes for the better, but not me, no i am standing still unsure, and afrai to do anythign

is that it am i afraid? of what...myself?

so many questions need to be answerd...

this past week has been hell on earth for me. i havent had time to welcom sleep and i havent consumed any food. i feel drained. its like my body is withering away and i see it but i refuse to alter is course.

i cut myself so much, that i begin to wonder how muchblood i have left.
Current Mood: boredis there much left?
Current Music: silence......

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August 23rd, 2006

08:26 pm - If no one knows you, how can you be forgotten?
well well if it isnt urs truly. yes i am writing again.

not much has happend and of course, not much improvement has been made by me. maybe i should just throw up my white flag and call it a match. perhaps..but not right now. no right now i am sure i have something to live for.

as i was lying in my room last night...this question kept coming to me: "is happiness really worth it all?"

i mean thought i wanted happiness but the more i thikn about it the more it doesnt make sense. just because i am wont take away the years of pain, wont erase any bad memories. really happiness is just another word to me now. it is now meaningless and not worth it. Also happy people are never really happy, i dont even think there is such an emotion, its just another false hope to distract us from being us. how do we know that once we are fully happy we still wont feel empty?

think about it.

i know what bottom feels like is the top any different, sure i might smile but who is to say i wont be little empy me again?...does this make sense?

anyway one of my friends stumbled across my entries and he suggested to me that i should write a book about all this shit, he says the way i write is different...do any of u people agree?

i have also found some old poems i wrote, and i put one on my lj...if anyone is interested please feel free to read it, altho it is friends only so i will add you if u wish to read it. yes i rememebr those days when poetry was my medication, now my precious razor blade is

who knew something so beautiful could leave a scar so deep.

Happiness? no its all about completeion, i'd rather feel whole.

"You think its lonely at the top. well let me tell you man, it kills at the bottom"
Current Location: my bedroom...my tomb?
Current Mood: colda fools hope
Current Music: silence....but i am used to it

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August 21st, 2006

08:21 pm - I Wont Let This Build Up Inside Of ME
old habbits die hard..which is why i have been cutting non stop i suppose.
some ppl call me weak. perhaps i am. but they are the ones who have never had it like me. there was a point in time when i loved myself, when i could love someone...but that just seems like a fairy tale now. a fairy tale that cant ever be read again.

Sometimes i do find myself thinking about those times and i wont notice it...but there will be a smile on my face. but that smile is quickly replaced by emptyness. yes thats it emptyness.

when people find out i cut they usually ask me why do i inflict such harm on my self?

my answer is this "its nothing compared to the harm and pain others have inflicted upon me"

no i dont blame anyone for making me who i am today. no this is my fault somehow. but i was helped along my path to hatred and lonliness.

i alone think i am my worst enemy.
my life is in my own hands.
what do do with it is my choice. as it was his.

i mean the feel of the razor blade against ones skin can only help so much right?
whats left after the numbness goes away and the pain is all you can feel?
Current Music: SLIPKNOT- Vermillion pt 2

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August 16th, 2006

03:49 am - i really have no answer...and i am tired of looking
wow i havent written in here in what seems like forver...but im sure i was forgotten just like smoke dissolving in the air.

yes. well i didnt stop writting because i have been fixed..no ive neglected you all becasue i am simply incapable of doing anything.

my thoughts have grown darker then ever and i now ponder death every waking min.

so i try to sleep all day and all the time so my thoughts dont get the best of me and devour me from inside out.

i can no longer hold myself up.
i can not blame who i am on any one but me.
no no i cannot do much right now.
but i can do one thing.

go ahead tell me i am weak, tell me i amcraving attention, tell me it will be ok,
go ahead tell me all of that...but i will be deaf to it. because despite what u think..u are wrong. i am not fine....ok and i dont do anything for attention...i could care lesss about ppl and humanity..hell i lost what i had left of me the day he took his life.

my scars go deeper then what is on my skin.
my pain goes deep inside of my heart...
infact my pain comes from within.
how do u stop something that u create?
Current Mood: crushed..life?

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August 2nd, 2006

10:38 am - Here it is...


A cool place to write, rant, and never be censored. Come check us out.
Current Music: GG allin- outlaw scumfuc

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August 1st, 2006

10:04 am - Question
Would anyone here be interested in a writers community where you can post any type of writing you see fit, and to rant? I'm thinking of starting one up with my girlfriend... lemme know if anyone would be interested.

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July 26th, 2006

06:33 pm - "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"
well since the last time i've written in here alot has happend. I decided maybe the answer couldnt be found in meds, and that maybe i needed to just get up and leave. so one night when my mom was asleep i left. i went to my bf's grave and sat, then i got up and walked until i was lost. but it was funny i wasnt lost, well i was but i knew that was where i wanted to be...idk its hard to explain.

idk it was so weird being alone, i didnt care tho..anything beats being at home. but like usual all good things come to an end and i ended up back at home, god dammit i am pissed aobut that.
right away when i got back i went to my room, its the one place that i like about my home, other than that nothing. mom is begingn to blame herself, but this isnt about her, its about me. god that sounds selfish but idk what else to say.

but yea today was bad....real bad. i began to cut...and i didnt know when to stop....but it felt so good u know?

i dont think ill ever get better...but maybe i dont want to..im so used to this life..if u can even call it that
Current Mood: aggravatedlife...enough said

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July 23rd, 2006

05:44 pm - Anti-Suicide
As promised here is the community I have decided to start for suicidals join please, I really want this to become a place to talk and get help!


Join and Learn to Cope

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July 20th, 2006

01:04 am - New...
I keep telling myself I'm happy...new boyfriend..new classes...new life. But am I really happy. I think about cutting 24-7 but I havent done it havent taken the dive again. I was thinking maybe if I joined a community about this that maybe it would help..Because nothing else has. Maybe I will develope my own community, would anyone be interested in an anti suicide community?

anyhow, I've gone to calling myself Tyler now, but only in my head...no one actually calls me tyler..But you all can call me either..Nicole or Tyler, bet you can guess what the real name is. anyhow heres a bit about me thats not so pathetic..or maybe it is.

I started cutting at 13, god I remember the first time..it was such release. I have been going to therapy for almost a year now. I think July, 13th was my going bizerk day. I had nothing to lose, my boyfriend was in the hospital for suicide. It just sounded poetic to me. Girl Kills Herself After Boyfriend is Admitted. But hey I had so much shit in my life I just couldn't deal. So I started cutting, then I started having increasingly bad panic attacks. Was all good until I decided I didnt want to live anymore. Then my daily thoughts were consumed with I bet your guitar cord would make a great noose. Or I bet if you slit your wrists it wouldnt hurt much. I kept lieing tomyself and the monster grew inside my head. Until it consumed me. July 13th 2005 I tried it. I was planing on driving my car into a semi on the way to work...instead I made it to work on time...Stayed there for a couple of hours...and then went to the bathroom with something sharp...I sliced and sliced and sliced. God it felt good, but then when I went back to work in this numb sort of haze my manager noticed and drug me into the back room where she noticed the cuts and called the cops. I was numb mom didnt want me to go, so she drove me instead. To the emergency room I went where I stayed most of the night..Then it was off to cedar springs...where I was put in a bed..then sent off to therapy. Sometimes I wish I could just stay there...it would be easy right..wrong..I need to learn to live my life.

anyhow. Thanks for letting me blab..I'm like this crazy girl who dosent shut up. I'm a complete Lj whore, you post on mine I'll post on yours. Plus suicidals need to comminicat with the outside world..asking for help is no longer a weakness...its a plea..a desperate plea for help.

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July 19th, 2006

06:39 pm
so...therapist told mommy i am bipolar....

thats fuuny , now i thikn she is scared of me.

when she looks at me its like she expects me to shatter or to start screaming at her...only she doesnt know what i am going to do..so she is on edge....

it humors me, but it sickens me at the same time...it sickens me that i am humored by my mothers fear of me....

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July 15th, 2006

02:53 am - A Cutter Cross-Cultural Experience
I've been working to reduce the negativity and trolling on livejournal, and a few people under my watch have been provoking cutters. I'm sure you know who these people are, and I apologize on their behalf. I've told them over and over that, unless they experience the day-to-day pain of razors through flesh, they cannot judge you.

I'm here to make amends on behalf of the trolls, and to prove it, I'll be cutting soon. Just for a day, so that I may understand your side of the story. I tried doing it with the letter opener I had immediately at hand, but it proved too dull to do the job.

Any suggestions you can offer would be great. Like, what's your favorite cutting instrument....what music should I play in the background? I know pictures are a must.

I hope that in doing this I may open a new channel between those who suffer from cutting and those who misjudge them.
Current Mood: chipperUnderstanding

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July 1st, 2006

10:32 pm - another year, and what do i haev to show for it?
so today is my b-day...ah the lovely age of 17....yes its something most would be happy about...but im not most people.

today was just an example of what life has in store for me, and i dont like it one bit. there was only one thing that came from today
so my bf's mom stopped by. she said she had something to give me and i was confused, but then she held out her hand and revealed an envalope. she then went on to tell me in his suicide note he ask that she give me this envalope on my birthday...tears filled my eyes.
i went to my room and opend it up, there was a letter and inside the letter was a ring, it was my bf's ring that he never took off...he wanted me to have it...i cried.

Then mother, and the bastard (as i like to call him) went out drinking...they got back an hr ago and bitched me out..for what i couldnt tell you , i refuse to listen to them...well thats what i tell myself...they do get to me, infact i spent most of my night slicing up my arms..yes its not good, i dont care anymore, no one does. i lost the one thing i held on to and ppl cant see that im falling fast

seriously. things havent been good, and it doesnt look as tho they will be getting better

oh but the bastard did get me a birthday gift....if u call being slammed against ur bedroom wall and nearly choked while hearing how much of an ungrateful little bitch u are a gift.

yes i can feel the love
Current Mood: blankmake a wish
Current Music: Gary Jules: Mad World (from Donnie Darko)

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02:59 am
I found a few things I wrote ages ago about cutting.
I thought I'd share.
I've probably posted them in this community before under another name, but oh well.

"This isn't another fucking pointless trend. We aren't more slaves to the world who are taught what to feel and think. The world is a mindless cult. We're looking for a way to escape that and cutting is the way we choose to escape from you molding us to your 'perfection.'"

eternity in bloody pleasure
get a knife
slit your wrists
live forever
make a fist
hurt yourself
and when you're done
the bruises cuts and pain are gone

"It's not about being cool. It's about being in love with the pain."

"I've got a way to explain cutting to those who don't cut. If you don't cut you really can't know the feeling. You can't know why we do it. I remember talking to Amanda before I cut and when she would do it I'd freak out and tell her not to. I still do. It's mainly cause she said she went sXe and I guess I wanted her to actually do it, but I gave up last night and this morning I just started thinking about it. Even I don't understand sometimes, cause I guess I'm not really that much of a cutter. I don't go too deep but it's basically cause I'm afraid I'll do some permenant damage. Amanda doesn't even think about that. Well anyway my way of explaining is a feeling that I do understand. It's like being horny, but not for sex, for pain. You really need to cut. So there you go... anyone agree?"

It's almost different now. Sometimes it's like that, but others it's like if I don't, I'll tear myself apart. Everything inside me wants to run in a different direction and it's just a way I can mellow myself out. When I get in one of those moods, without it I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't do anything but cry and scream and it gets impossible to hold myself in one place... if that makes the slightest sense at all.

Tonight I'm ok.

In the morning my scars are just reminders.

But while I'm making them, I am nothing but the flesh and the blood and the razor. I'm finally centered. I'm finally calm. I'm finally whole. And I know that I'm in control.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

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June 28th, 2006

10:56 am - good morning.
I'm cayne, and i'm new.

I have a bad habit in that I can't wear short sleeves or shorts. I never thought it would go this far. But it has, and when I lost The one it's just getting worse and worse.

I'm just so tired, always.

Anyways, thats me, fucked up as they come.

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