(no subject)

wow it has been 5 months since the last time i have had a cutting spree. i had just got a new sposor in NA and we worked the first two steps. we did it two wednesdays in a row and both times i cut. she had told me that she didnt think that she could be my sponsor any more because of the cutting. i freaked out and did the only thing that came to my head and that was to promise that i would never cut again. i was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago and even forgot about my promise and want to cut but didnt. i was so proud of myself.
   have you ever made a promise only to save your ass and thought that in a couple of weeks that person woudnt remember that promise at all and you could resume to your old ways again? thats what i thought that would happened and knwo its been 5 months. i knew thats no a lot of time but it has helped and it kinds of feels good to know that i am a woman of my word. know dont get me wromg there are times i feel so dame bad and thats the only thing that feels good. thats the only thing that makes everything seem okay but i dont want to break my promise/ it takes what it takes.
    i now that most of us cut becasue it feels like we are in control and sometimes we are in so much pain thats the only way we can reliev our pain and make it go away. all i can say is that bcacuse of my sponsor  and my wellingness to keep my word i have not cut and i suggest that you find some way to give up cutting its not worth the pain we cause in other and ourselves. when i was cutting i would always tell my love ones i cant get enough scars and i cant stop cutting. i just want to cut. but like i said when i see the pain i my sposors eyes because of me cutting it was painful to see and i didnt want to hurt those in my live any more. so thats why i say it takes what it takes. 
     

--

GENERAL
1. name? Lina
2. age? 19
3. gender? Female
4. location(country and city/state/village)? Sweden
5. birthday(day/month/year)? 11/9/1990
6. email address?
7. eye colour? Blue
8. hair colour? Brown
9. who do you live with? Myself and Martman.
10. family members? have them

FAVOURITES
1. colour? Black/White
2. number? 27
3. day? None
4. band/singer? Bright Eyes, Elliott Smith
5. film? donno
6. book?
7. place? anything by night
8. item of clothing? shoes
9. room? Dark rooms
10. animal? Cat
11. mythic creature? fuck u
12. family member? my older sister
13. drink? Coffee
14. food? none
15. tv program? --
16. planet? this one?
17. actor/actress? oh.. someone

DREAM...

1. job? anything as long as I earn something
2. location? Paris
3. holiday? ah..naa..
4. vehicle? don't know
5. thing to do? die
6. pet? Cat

OPIINIONS

1. gay marriage? Yes.
2. inter-racial relationships? Yes.
3. teen pregnancy? sure. I don't care
4. celebrities? what about 'em?
5. the president? we don't have one..
6. abortion? Kill them all, Ted. Kill them all. yes, abortion, yes
7. suicide? Yes
8. war? not a fan
9. the priminister?
10. cloning? bad idea
11. global warming? not very good.. but I'll be dead when human kind suffer the effects..

OTHER

1. how long have you been cutting? a while..
2. and do you actually want to stop? no
3. why/why not? I just don't feel like it
4. do you cut line's or words? lines
5. have you every taken a pic. of it? not that I remember
6. do you have any rituals? hah. no
7. what do you like best about cutting? the blood and the pain. I never feel releaved
8. are you ashamed to be a cutter? sometimes, yeah
9. what do you use to cut? scissors
10. are you happy with what you use to cut? happy with.. no, I'm never happy
11. have you been diagnosed with anything? Depression, anxiety
12. by whom? Psychiatrist, doctor..
13. do you self diagnose? no
14. what would you say you had if you had to diagnose yourself? only that I'm helpless
15. are you on medication? Yes
16. what kind/s? don't fuckin spell their names everyday.. atarax and some other sweet stuff
17. do you self medicate? no
18. do you purposly take more/less? It happens, doesn't do much though
19. ever been in psych hospital? Yes
20. what for/how long? tried to kill myself, maneged to fool them into releasing me after 3 days
21. have you tried to commit suicide? Yes
22. do you still have those thoughts? Yes
23. have you ever needed stitches? No, well.. I did need stitches, but noone ever knew. I used tape instead
24. are you afraid that one time you might slice too deep? I have already destroyed my hand by cutting too deep
25. has anyone ever stopped being your friend because they found out about your cutting? no, I stopped being their friend
26. what happened with that? ahm..
27. what is your worst experience relating to cutting? maybe when my family found out
28. what has been your best experience with cutting? there's no fuckin good experience about it
29. would you ever do sadomasochistic stuff, like getting your partner to cut you and vice versa? no
30. do you fantasise about hurting others in anyway? no
If yes, How? ..
31. and would you like to really do it in real life? ..
(Do you think you would?) ..
32. what about killing someone? No
33. do you dream of that? No
34. could you do it? No

RANDOM

1. why do you want to join this community? I wanna be around people who get me
2. do you have any heros? If so, who are they and why? no. nobody's a hero
3. out of.. Money, work, school, relationships, what is the most importnant to you? death
4. what do you like about yourself? I don't like myself
5. what do you dislike about yourself? ...
6. if someone could describe you in one word, what would it be? scary
7. most embarrasing moment? don't know
8. tell us something we don't know about yourself? I go to Law school
9. why should we accept you? Because I really think I fit here..

(no subject)

GENERAL
1. name? Phoebe
2. age? 12
3. gender? Female
4. location(country and city/state/village)? London
OTHER
1. how long have you been cutting? A year
2. and do you actually want to stop? no
3. why/why not? It helps me
4. do you cut line's or words? lines
5. have you every taken a pic. of it? no
6. do you have any rituals? not really
7. what do you like best about cutting? the pain, the blood
8. are you ashamed to be a cutter? no
9. what do you use to cut? Sharpener Blade (I unscrewed it out)
10. are you happy with what you use to cut? yes and no, sometimes i wish for the same amount of pressure i could get a much deeper cut
11. have you been diagnosed with anything? Nio
12. by whom? No
13. do you self diagnose? sometimes
14. what would you say you had if you had to diagnose yourself? fuck Of
15. are you on medication? no
16. what kind/s?no
17. do you self medicate? no
18. do you purposely take more/less? which? No
19. ever been in psych hospital? no
20. what for/how long? no
21. have you tried to commit suicide? Yea with my school tie
22. do you still have those thoughts? at times
23. have you ever needed stitches? no
24. are you afraid that one time you might slice too deep? not really
25. has anyone ever stopped being your friend because they found out about your cutting? no I lied my way out
26. what happened with that? I dunno yet it was today
27. what is your worst experience relating to cutting? being treated like i wasnt there (see q.25)
28. what has been your best experience with cutting? Seeing the blood for the first time
29. would you ever do sadomasochistic stuff, like getting your partner to cut you and vice versa? Maybe
30. do you fantasize about hurting others in anyway? no, not really. i don't want to hurt others-just hurting myself.
If yes, How?
31. and would you like to really do it in real life?

32. what about killing someone? No
33. do you dream of that? no
34. could you do it? No
RANDOM
1. why do you want to join this community? support. advice.tips
2. do you have any heroes? If so, who are they and why?
3. out of.. Money, work, school, relationships, what is the most important to you? Um none?
4. what do you like about yourself? nothing much
5. what do you dislike about yourself? nearly everything
6. if someone could describe you in one word, what would it be? weird
7. most embarrassing moment? Shouting out my crush in front of 2 boys in my class.
8. tell us something we don't know about yourself? I nearly always lie about my age
9. why should we accept you? b/c i will support others in this community and i dotn really have anyone else
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

(no subject)

things have been getting worse. I think both of us are losing our minds, and I don't know why, but we are.
I'm lower than I've ever been. I've never been this depressed or low or insane in years. I haven't cut this often in years. I have that same old suicidal feeling again; not that I want to kill myself, but I do; its like I feel that if I keep going on this way, I'll have no other choice. Yet at the same time, I know I won't, and I know I can't.
Yesterday he said how my body used to be so perfect and smooth, now because of all the cutting its flawed and damaged. Thanks. I think the cuts are beautiful; symbolic of my strength and the shit I've been through.
I told him I want to die; but I hate when I snap, he snaps. I go crazy, he goes crazy, I fall apart, he falls apart. He told me he needs me to be the sane one. Yeah right; its the other way around. When I go crazy and have a melt down, the least thing I need is for him to melt down too. I thought he was more stable than that. If he can't keep it together, we're just a couple of crying, insane blobs triggering each other over and over like a catch-22.
  • Current Mood
    cold cold

(no subject)

I love you. But sometimes, I hate you, i'm scared of you, I want to hurt you, I want to kill you. I want to hurt myself, I want to kill myself. Why won't you see or acknowledge whats going on, what you're doing to me??? I can't take this much longer. One day you WILL find me dead, and it will be YOUR name written on the walls in MY BLOOD. Then, only then you'll see what you've done to me, how you've broken me.
You make me want to die.

intro

GENERAL
1. name? Chris
2. age? 19
3. gender? Female
4. location(country and city/state/village)? Georgia
OTHER
1. how long have you been cutting? for almost ten years
2. and do you actually want to stop? yes
3. why/why not? because it isn't healthy and it really just causes more problems in the end
4. do you cut line's or words? lines
5. have you every taken a pic. of it? yes
6. do you have any rituals? not really
7. what do you like best about cutting? the immediate gratification, the pain, the blood
8. are you ashamed to be a cutter? yes and no
9. what do you use to cut? exact-o blades, razor blades, knives, scalpels
10. are you happy with what you use to cut? yes and no, sometimes i wish for the same amount of pressure i could get a much deeper cut
11. have you been diagnosed with anything? yes, PTSD, BPD, and Major Depression
12. by whom? Doctors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists
13. do you self diagnose? sometimes
14. what would you say you had if you had to diagnose yourself? the list i already named
15. are you on medication? yes
16. what kind/s? anti-depressant called Cymbalta but my psychiatrist is planning on changing that soon
17. do you self medicate? yes
18. do you purposely take more/less? which? depends on my goal but more often more
19. ever been in psych hospital? yes less than a week ago
20. what for/how long? attempted suicide/4 days (i manipulated my way out)
21. have you tried to commit suicide? obviously based on previous question
22. do you still have those thoughts? at times
23. have you ever needed stitches? yes and staples once
24. are you afraid that one time you might slice too deep? not really
25. has anyone ever stopped being your friend because they found out about your cutting? no my friends have been supportive
26. what happened with that? N/A
27. what is your worst experience relating to cutting? Cutting while i was with a g/f at her parents' house in Blue Ridge and i needed stitches so she took me to the ER there and the doc noticed my other scars, said nothing to me, grabbed my arm and put ten staples in it. I felt like a lab rat, like i wasn't a human being.
28. what has been your best experience with cutting? Just the immediate gratification but that is short-lived
29. would you ever do sadomasochistic stuff, like getting your partner to cut you and vice versa? yes i would. i would love for a partner to be comfortable enough to do that to me
30. do you fantasize about hurting others in anyway? no, not really. i don't like/want to hurt others-just hurting myself.
If yes, How?
31. and would you like to really do it in real life?
(Do you think you would?)
32. what about killing someone? A few men in my past.
33. do you dream of that? I have.
34. could you do it? Doubt it. Regardless of what "they" have done to me, i don't think i could.
RANDOM
1. why do you want to join this community? support. insight.
2. do you have any heroes? If so, who are they and why?
3. out of.. Money, work, school, relationships, what is the most important to you? relationships tend to take priority, but i have always excelled at school.
4. what do you like about yourself? not a whole lot
5. what do you dislike about yourself? too much
6. if someone could describe you in one word, what would it be? crazy?
7. most embarrassing moment? busting my ass in the locker room during swim practice and having to sit on the pool deck with a huge bag of ice on my ass for the rest of practice.
8. tell us something we don't know about yourself? i am a going to graduate this May with my BS in Biology and hopefully will be attending med-school in August
9. why should we accept you? b/c i will support others whole-heartedly that are in this community
  • Current Music
    the tv
The Everlasting Why

(no subject)

Hi. My name is Calli (musecalliopeia), and I am now 23 months clean of cutting!

I started cutting when I was 16. I am now 34. Prior to getting into recovery, the longest I'd been able to go without cutting was about a month and a half.

I recently opened a new self-injury recovery journal, selfinjuryanon. Please feel free to come by and check it out - anyone is welcome to join. I want this to be a safe, supportive place for people to come together and share their experiences.

I don't post about my new community to be obnoxious - I post because I'm proud of the recovery I've found, how long I've gone without hurting myself, and I want to help other people. I'm proud of the members of my new community, and the way that they are opening up to themselves, to one another, and how they are reaching for help, and reaching out to help.

See, a couple years ago, I hit bottom. Hard. And when I looked around for help, I couldn't find anything, really. There was no "self-injury [or self-mutilation or cutters, or whatever] anonymous". I talked to therapists and people who worked in the recovery community, and they didn't know of anything. So I created this community to be a safe haven for people who self-injure. There are a lot of us, and we mostly feel so very alone.

But we're not alone. We have each other, and we can help each other get through this. We all know how tough it is, and we're learning how satisfying it is to make it through.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative