beauty undone
?
beauty undone [entries|friends|calendar]
beauty_undone

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Tell the world I'm dead and well [29 Apr 2006|01:49pm]

purplelizard
[ mood | Used ]


Xposted in my Journal and on myspace.

It's simple, but it's also complicated.

I was dating Kyle Dietz and the happiest I had ever been when I start talking to Carrington. Carrington and I had been in the same computer class and he had recently recruited me into a group with him and Allan so I could do their work while they played games. But it was the time for planning things for the musical, so it was alright.

Well... Carrington knew he could manipulate me. He knew how to mess with my head. So he convinced that because Kyle and I didn't talk all that much, that Kyle was treating me like crap.

So I broke up with Kyle, the first guy (besides Jeff <3 you Jeff) to love me with everything and anything he had, and I started dating Carrington.

Carrington and I had A LOT of sex. if we were together, and we weren't in school, we fucked that day at least once. Carrington's never really been a guy for protected sex and convinced me (the self proclaimed safe sex nazi) to have unprotected sex because of his condition. He said he couldn't have kids. It wasn't really a surpise when a month and a half into our relationship that I was Pregnant.

I told him and he came over. We discussed it and he convinced me to have an abortion. Not for my own good mind you, but for his. I was hoping to have this child or give it up for abortion. But Carrington's family couldn't know about it. He'd be kicked out. I told my mom, we scrounged up the $450 dollars for an abortion, and I made the appointment.

Three days before my abortion, Carrington's ex dropped a bomb. Turns out, I wasn't the first girl he had gotten pregnant.

So the day of my abortion came. That's right, three weeks ago I had a fetus removed from my body, not an ovarian cyst. I was 8 weeks pregnant, and had fetal movement. It made me cry. I had already grown attached to this child inside of me, and I was about to kill it.

The days following the abortion were hard. My hormones were out of wack. I was haunted by my own thoughts. I kept thinking, "what does my Dad think of me now?" Everytime I was alone I cried. I just wasn't strong enough. I would call Carrington practically begging him to come over and be with me. He wanted to play video games. I kept trying to tell him that I wasn't strong like the other girl, I couldn't go through it alone. Allan told Carrington to tell me that he needed some "Carrington time."

Three days later, he broke up with me, saying that I was too emotional. I was left with nothing. Until today I thought I still loved him. Today was the day I realized that the entire time, he was just using me for sex. It all makes sense. I mean the girl he was kinda with before wouldn't have sex with him, and he knew I would because I'm easy. And after my abortion, I could have sex. Then he dumped me. It all goes hand in hand.

Luckily, Kyle took me back and loves me all the same. He's my savior and my lover. Without him and Chris Grimm, I probably would have already offed myself.

2 | seek the beauty within

I forgot [05 Apr 2006|06:17am]

purplelizard
I'm glad somebody made a post here reminding me about the community. There's been so much stuff going on in my life that I completely forgot.

The school musical (which my assistant stage manager and I ran backstage without the help of adults) closed in early March. I had gotten really sick during the show though. Mostly because my eating habits became so sparadic and the food I was eating was vending machine crap. I hadn't thought of taking a multivitamin or anything until after I already got sick. Well, now I know for next time. I missed a lot of school for being sick and I still haven't caught up on all the work.

Then I went to go get birthcontrol pills and I had to tell the nurse that my sister had been diaganosed with ovarian cancer when she was 20. By then it was so bad that she didn't radiation therapy and had to have her ovary removed. Since I'm sixteen she kinda got a little worried and ordered me to get a sonnagram done.

When the sonnagram came back, they saw a cyst on my right ovary. After some tests (and another day out from school) it was discovered that my cyst had a large possibility of becoming cancerous. It's being removed on friday.

I don't know why, but I seem to volunteer to do too much. Carrington and I are both in this club at school called envirothon. Basically they put you onto teams and you prepare for this competetion against other schools that tests the groups knowledge on forestry, soils, aquatics, and wildlife. The group as a whole has to give a presentation on how to fix a problem. This year the problem is "water and climate change."

So I had left the team to focus on making up schoolwork, but Carrington was on it, so I still ended up going to meetings. At one of the meetings I was convinced to join the team again as the forestry alternate (Carrington is the Forestry team member) Carrington is lazy and really hasn't done any work, so I've been doing all of his. Our soils team member won't be able to come, (she had surgery on her leg a ocuple of weeks ago and won't be able to get into the bus) so I volunteered to give the soils presentation ::headdesk::
1 | seek the beauty within

[02 Apr 2006|10:50pm]

wldmustang66
[ mood | content ]

Hey Ya'll!

Haven't seen any recent entries lately, hope everyone is doing well. I don't have much to update about, just thought I'd stop by and leave a note.

~Cass

seek the beauty within

[08 Feb 2006|04:34pm]

wldmustang66
[ mood | contemplative ]

I'm worried about the future...it seems like that's all I think about now a days, and the more I think about it, the more problems I can come up with that could happen. I was looking at a school in Wisconsin (veeery far from where I live, in GA), and I really liked the school a lot, but it wouldn't be practical...so I've dropped that idea and decided it would be best for me and my family for me to stay in state. But I mean...the prospect of leaving eventually is scary. Not really for myself so much, I'd love to be out and be independent...I'm just going to have the guilt factor. What if something happens to my parents and I'm not there? Leaving them alone worries me, as stupid as it sounds. I'm the responsible one in the family lol who's going to keep everything organized?

I'm worried about whether or not the way I am as a person is going to keep me from ever having some things in life. I'm pretty certain that it'll be in my cards to have a job that I'm happy with, that's become the number one priority for me. School, career...but what about family? A guy that I settled down with would have to be able to accept the fact that my career would come before us ever having kids...if we did, and somehow it was arranged that he would maybe just work a part time job and stay with them, then what...all the kids would know is that their Daddy takes care of them, and Mommy's usually gone at work. They would probably just resent me.

It's really stupid for me to be so worried about this stuff I guess, but it's what's consumed me for like, I dunno...weeks, months...I realize how stressed out I am sometimes walking down the hallway because all of a sudden I notice that I have my jaw clenched, my shoulders are tense, or I have like, absolutely no patience whatsoever. My childhood has slipped away so quickly, but now that I'm going to the next stage of life, being a teenager, it seems like it's just been an awkward adjustment. I'm like, subconsciously trying to skip through to it, when college is still 2+ years away. I'm not even really sure why I'm writing here anymore...it does sort of help me feel a little better though. Bleh.

Hope everyone's doing well, have a great rest of the week!

-Cass

1 | seek the beauty within

International Self-Injury Awareness Day [06 Feb 2006|09:03am]

distressed_dove
[ mood | busy and motivated ]

I don't know how many of you have heard about this, but it is very important: March 1st is International Self-Injury Awareness Day. That means SPREAD THE WORD. Misconceptions about self-injury in society are rampant. People need to be educated, especially authority figures. This means police, teachers, parents, medical workers, employers, and anyone else who can affect you in situations regarding SI.

There are a few things you can do to raise awareness.

1. Pamphlets. This is a very good way to reach people. You can put them up at school, work, in hospitals, police stations, supermarkets, libraries...the list goes on. It can really help.

2. Presentations. Organizing a forum where you can reach people face to face is a great idea. You can hold them for students, for parents, for medical workers, policement, local employers, general public...anything you like. I realize that probably no one will do something like this, but it's something to think about. It's a much more effective way of reaching people.

3. Contact your mayor, governor, MP (for Canadians), etc. Ask them to get involved. They can do things like wear ribbons (red and black), help with leaflets, etc. It's important to get community leaders involved.

4. Contact newspapers. Do a few letters to the editor, maybe write a research piece or an 'expose' so to speak. You can ask to remain anonymous, obviously, so privacy shouldn't be an issue. And hell, if you're really brave, get someone to do an interview with you.

5. Spread the word online. Send out messages on the major sites (LJ and MySpace, for instance). Go to communities, send PMs to random people, write articles, blog entries...anything. After all, communication is one of the main reasons for the internet's existence.


This is a chance for the issue to get a little bit of understanding, to shed a little light on it. Right now, this is a completely grassroots movement. Governments are not getting involved, and they need to be doing so. The only way that will happen is if March 1st becomes KNOWN to the world. And it's up to us to make sure that happens.

You don't have to do much. A pamphlet here, a ribbon there...it doesn't have to be a big campaign. But PLEASE, if you feel strongly about this issue, get involved somehow.

This will be x-posted to God-knows how many other communities.

1 | seek the beauty within

Hi, I'm Liz [23 Jan 2006|04:55pm]

purplelizard
[ mood | tired ]

Let me give you a little rundown on my current situation.

I was dating a guy named Kyle for about two months. He lives about 45 minutes away and we only saw each other once a week. For those two months I would come home from school after some kind of theater rehearsal (Be it for Romeo and Juliet, or Once Upon A Mattress) and sit around the house lonely waiting for Kyle to call. Sometimes he called, sometimes he didn't. Most of the time that he did, he would end up hanging up after about 10 minutes. It would make me miserable, but I just thought it was me being needy. I would say to myself, "Liz, he's in college. Don't forget he's in a band too." But then college ended for winter break and nothing changed.

Then I started talking to Carrington. Carrington had work, school, swim practice, and still managed to make more time for me than Kyle did. Carrington wasn't even my boyfriend, and had a far busier schedule than I did. I thought there was something wrong with that. So I said that I wouldn't call Kyle for a week. If he called, I'd stay with Kyle. If he didn't, I would know that Kyle didn't love me as much as her let off and I would move on.

Kyle didn't call at all that week. Carrington did. It was then that I learned I deserved better than what Kyle was giving me. Not only did Kyle live a good distance from me, but he couldn't even make time for me in an almost empty schedule. Carrington never made me miserable and could make more time for me, in his far busier schedule. The decision was obvious.

But then Kyle showed up to my house yesterday to try to win me back. Carrington and my friend Gabby were both here. I treated Kyle like shit and showed no remorse for it. He called me last night, crying and telling me how much he loved me. He said that he knew he took me for granted and he was sorry for it. When I told him I loved him, but we weren't getting back together, he went for the guilt trip.

It's always been the guilt trips that get me because I feel so much empathy for people. That and I just can't handle guilt. It makes me literally want to kill myself. So when Kyle told me that he had overdosed, I cried. I told him that he couldn't let himself die. That he had to take care of himself. "You know me better than that, I can't take care of myself." was his response. And it's true. I told him that if he died, I would die too, and that I didn't want too die.

But I thought I'd be fine. Instead today I found myself popping Ibprofen all day for an imaginary headache. I took 3200 mg in 7 hours. My prescription (that i got after being in a car accident) is for 800 mg every 8 hours. By the end of the day I just felt completely out of it. Then I jogged part of the way home from school. My heart hurt so bad that I thought it would explode. I ended up colapsing in the muddy grass for ten minutes before I could pick myself up and drag myself home. And now... I'm probably gonna go and have some more.

4 | seek the beauty within

[17 Jan 2006|04:15pm]

wldmustang66
[ mood | lonely ]

I feel so...hollow. I'm not sure why, but I've never really been able to have a lot of close friends. Just kind of those casual acquintances that enjoy glancing at what your homework answers were and talking every once and a while...I was ok with that, reasoning with myself that high school is a period of cliques, stupid people, and basically a lot of bull that's just better to stay detached from anyways.

I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year, but I've noticed he doesn't really care anything about talking to me any more...he calls me and actually chats online with his friends (some of which being other girls), instead of talking to me most of the time...I reasoned with myself that for a couple of times that's ok, maybe he's just not in the mood to be really talkative, that he's definately entitled to having his friends and his life...

I've never been into a lot of extra curricular activities...so I don't have that to relate with.

So, basically, avoiding or not having much of a social life led to me obsessing over school. That was my reason for waking up every morning...and now my grades are slipping.

A lot of people have hope to go on stemming from their religion. I don't even have that anymore. I decided I wasn't a Christian a long time ago...and every day, events confirm what I already had kind of thought of...I don't regret that decision, I'm not bitter...

But that still leaves me with an annoying question bouncing in my head. What do I actually have to live for...this isn't meant to be suicidal at all...I'm just a little lost I guess.

seek the beauty within

[01 Jan 2006|10:29am]

wldmustang66
[ mood | groggy ]

Alright, well, slowly but surely I'm trying to figure this thing out. Thanks to those that have put up with me. I'm not sure how Ashley feels about this community, she's kinda vacationing at the moment, and as far as school goes she has a tight schedule... but I decided to go ahead and try to get things going...I guess I have that whole New Years Resolution spunk. Anyways, I hope this community can assist those of you that have recently stopped by, and I'm also going to try to maintain and answer posts daily, etc. Thanks again for putting up with the wait, and I hope to begin hearing from you soon.

~Cass

1 | seek the beauty within

[19 Jul 2005|04:37pm]

sunflower1998
BASICS-
NAME: Heidi
AGE: 22
GENDER: Female
LOCATION: Norfolk, VA
LIVING SITUATION: With 1 roomie
OCCUPATION: Graduate student

JOINING-
REASON(s) FOR JOINING: Always looking for support and encouragement from people enduring the same things
WILL YOU PROMOTE?: Some
WILL YOU RESPECT THE RULES?: I always do
DO YOU FIT THE CRITERIA FOR THOSE ALLOWED TO JOIN?: Yes

MORE ABOUT YOU-
LIKES: Dancing, friends, family, shopping, reading
DISLIKES: Hypocrisy, Criticism, Judgemental people, and rude people
FAV. BOOK(S): Anything my Michael Crichton or Patricia Cornwell
FAV. MOVIE(S): Spy Game, Ocean's 11 and 12, Snatch
FAV. FOOD: Fruit
FAV. COLOR: Red
REASONS FOR HAVING A LIVEJOURNAL?: A place to vent, stay in touch with friends
HOBBIES: Dancing, reading, running
CLOTHING STYLE: preppy

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THOSE WHO-
HAVE AN EATING DISORDER?: I have one, so I can't really present a proper perspective on this. I just know that I am a great person with issues and a weakness
DRINK?: Socially, it's ok, but excessive drinking is a problem and they need help quickly before someone else gets hurt
DO DRUGS?: They need help to get over their weakness
SMOKE?: Sorry, but I think that people who smoke are gross because there is nothing good about it
HAVE PREMARITAL SEX?: It should be a mature, responsible choice - with protection
SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION?: They need to know that there is love and help in the right places
SUFFER FROM OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS?: They need a help
PARTICIPATE IN SELF-INJURY?: Same as a mental disorder - need to seek medical attention
HAVE BEEN ABUSED?: They need to be shown that not everyone will hurt them like they have been hurt
REMAIN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS?: That they need help changing their state of mind and to know that they have the strength to set themselves free
HAVE ABORTIONS?: It's up to the mother and father, and I disagree with it, but won't judge those who do

REGARDLESS OF YOUR VIEWS, HOW WILL YOU TREAT THEM?: I will always treat others as I wish to be treated - with love, understanding and respect

HAVE YOU-
EVER SUFFERED FROM AN EATING DISORDER?: Yes
EVER BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC?: No
EVER DONE DRUGS?: Once or twice
EVER SMOKED?: No
HAD PREMARITAL SEX?: Yes
BEEN SERIOUSLY DEPRESSED?: Yes
SUFFERED FROM OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS?: No
PARTICIPATED IN SELF-INJURY?: No
BEEN ABUSED?: Emotionally, not physically
HAD AN ABORTION?: No

PICTURES OF YOURSELF- (OPTIONAL)
Here I am!Collapse )

ADDITIONAL-
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE?: "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"
DO YOU LIKE SQUIRRELS? (DON'T ASK): Uh no, they steal my bird seed!
6 | seek the beauty within

[18 Jul 2005|09:20am]

sethor
I'm new to the group, here's my applicationCollapse )
1 | seek the beauty within

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]