kairikh791 (kairikh791) wrote in _away,

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This is really really long....and kinda detailed....sorta....

Ok, this is really long and all that I remember:

I was sexually abused by my very own brother. It lasted for about 9 - 10+ years in a row. When my mom wasn't home he would grab me and forcfully take me to his room. He never took my clothes off. Just felt me up, got on top of me and 'humped' (dunno a better word) me, and made me feel him a few times. I would scream and shout but he never said anything or did anything to stop. I haven't a clue how long it lasted. He did this pretty much every day. When I took my showers and was in shorts and a undershirt he would attack me. When I was taking a shower he would jump on me with the shower curtain on me. He would always yell at me and get really really pissed and pushed me around. I had 2 very good friends and I told them....But they did care...they never told anyone. And one night I ran outside screaming but my neighbors turned out the light and ignored me. From then on I couldn't trust anyone. I never told my mom. And I still haven't. A lot of times he would tie my legs to his foot board. my arms to his head board, put a sock in my mouth and tied something on my mouth, and left me there for gosh knows how long. I could no longer take showers or go to the bathroom with him and me alone together. When I got 3 new pets, I made my new dog sit on my lap because I trained her to bark madly if something went wrong. My dog would protect me sort of but he still got at me. And sometimes he would threaten to kill my new kittens in front of me if I told anyone. My grandmom always called everyday and when it was just after he did it, and I was crying, I would always say that I fell down, and I had proof because I had a lot of bruises from trying to escape from my brother and him hitting me. He would take my dolls and do wrong things with them. He would sit at his computer desk naked for me to see when I came by his room. Once when I just came out of the shower because I was home alone, he came home and dragged me to my room (I still had my towel on) and he spred my legs open and licked....that area. But then I kicked him really hard because I had strong legs from soccer. He forced me on his bed and felt me up and be like "These are your boobies!" Whenever I tried to escape, he would just catch me and drag me back. When I wouldn't give him gum he jumped on me but I had the strenght to get from under him. When I had a friend over he chased us to my room and we would put my dresser and book case in front of my door. But he still manadged to get in and he punched me. When ever I was nice to him he would snap at me. When we talked about it in the later years he would say he was a "changed person" but he still looked a porn. He actually forced me to look at it and whenever my mom found it he would blame me and my mom believed him. He would save it and everything. And when I comfronted him he would punch me. Sometimes when I juts brushed past him he would be like "OWWWW!!!! WHY THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT?!?!" and my mom would yell at for hurting him. He would yell at everyone, even my grandmom. He did everything possible to make my life miserable. But I sitll lived...but I was quiet. To this day only my friends, who I can trust, know about it. No one in my family knows. I can get really angry/pissed and be violent. I can have a horrible attitude and say things I don't mean....I really hate it. My I can bring me down to hate myself because there is nothing to hate about MYSELF just my brother. I am still pretty broken but I have found myself to be content most of the time. I am really scarred and the images and sounds are burned in my mind. And now, whenever I am on the computer for a long time, my mom thinks I am looking at porn and doing bad things on the computer. And when I tell her that that MONSTER is looking at it she just ignores it and tell me to delete it. And I still find my old dolls that I still have unclothed and not where I had them last....

One question....does anyone know why people sexually abuse their own sibling?

And I would like to know why, at the begining of the abuse that I knew excactly what was happening. I didn't even know what the word sex meant then. Why I told my friends so early in the abuse. Why I fought back at the begining, why I never thought that it was my fault....never. Why I remember it everything after 2 years that it stopped, where some people are just begining to get their memories back. Why some people didn't know what was happening. Why I screamed and kicked every time he attacked me. Why I don't ever want to tell anyone except my friends - and just now my sister. But no one else. Why I want to report it but I can't. It's just that I don't know anything except that he hurt me, I dislike him and afraid of him, and he did something terribly wrong.
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