ana_lovesme (ana_lovesme) wrote in _away,

hello Im new

Hello, my name is Brooke Leigh and I am 16 yrs old.
I am diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, Clinical Depression, and Attention Deficit Disorder. I also secretly have been anorexic for about 6 months now.
I grew up in a family full of drugs alcohol and abuse. While growing up my mom moved us around 17 times married twice and had a handful of other dysfunctional abusive relationships.
Because I never knew my father my mothers first husband (who married my mother when I was 2 months old) and my little sisters father Steve took me in as his own daughter. When my mother and Steve divorced I continued to visit him and call him Daddy. When I was 13, after an arguement with my mother he told me I was not his daughter(though I knew) and that he didnt want to see me again. Ever since then I have questioned myself as to what I did to make Daddy not love me. Over the years I have had several dreams of Daddy molesting me. I might have pushed this aside when it happened and it is all coming back.
Two years ago I started self-mutilating and became very withdrawn. I wouldnt talk to others, I would turn red when I was spoke to, and I would cry all the time. Since then anorexia has replaced cutting and I have become better around people.
After two bad relationships I have realized I am following in my mothers footsteps. I have put myself in
situations with verbally and emotionally abusing men and potential physical abusive relationships. I know can see that I am doing this because this is all I have ever known.
My first boyfriend was Brian. He was my first love, first kiss, first sexual experience. He was amazing and beautiful, sweet,a nd thoughtful. Then he started doing drugs. I couldnt take it anymore and after several months of an on and off relationship, Brian got overwhelmed and broke up with me. I didnt eat for two weeks, cut, cried, slept, and had several panic attacks. Shortly after Brian tried to stay friends because he didn't want to see me hurt. It was too much for me, I would hurt so much seeing him that I couldnt deal with it. That was my first sever dependency experience.
In about a month it will be 2 years since Brian and I started dating. We have stayed friends and we still talk.
My second relationship ended Thursday. I met Bill shortly after I stopped seeing Bill. To be honest, I was on the rebound and didnt care much about who I was seeing as long as I was seeing someone. I hate being alone and feel insecure and unloved. We started dating casually, at about a month into the relationship we started having sex. I would stay over his house on the weekends and everything. The difference between Bill and Brian was that Bill didnt do drugs (yay) but he was known as the resident asshole. I thought that if he liked me he would be nice. And he was. At about 4 months we said I love you. From there on we were head over heels in love. The odd thing was I didnt know much about him, and I never felt truly comfortable around him. Around our 1 year anniv. (12.17) I told him I didn't fully trust him and that I wanted to but i was so scared from everything in my past. He told me all I wanted to hear and listened to me about my past. I told about my fears of Steve raping me and how I felt when Steve disowned me. Everything was perfect.
I had elarned to accept he wasnt romantic and that he didnt bring me out, or that he didnt buy me presents. I accepted that his online gaming career took up most of his time. I accepted this because he loved me, because he talked about our future together, because he talked about after high school this June that we would live together. I was so happy. Slowly he stopped calling me and didnt really talk to me much outside of school. He stopped cuddling as much and started having more sex. I had asked him about this and he said he would change. I had started thinking about Brian again and how good he treated me. He told me I was beautiful, he would drive around for hours aimlessly and talk to me about everyhting. In the beginning Bill tried to be romantic, but by the end I saw no effort. He was annoyed when I talked, and he always was busy. Valentines Day was coming up. I was excited I thought this was the time he would redeem himself from the past month or so. ON vday he got me a chocolate heart and a fake flower. I was dissapointed but at least happy he remembered. On thursday during my counseling session I spilled how I never feel special with Bill and how I feel like he doesnt love me. I realized I was not over Brian and decided I had to do the hardest thing in the world. Break up with Bill and tell Brian how I felt.
I went home in tears because I didnt want to hurt Bill.I still loved him but I couldnt live with such a neglectful relationship. I decided I would tell him to change or we would break up. When I told him this (to make a long story short) he was relieved. He had lost his feelings weeks ago and didnt want to hurt me. He told me I did nothing wrong and that I was the perfect girlfriend. My world came crashing down.
Bill had become my life. He was my identity. I have a habit of turning myself into whoever i am with. My life as I knew it was over. Though I was in pain I got through it. I went out with my friends and tried to have fun.
I realized no matter how strongly i felt about Brian I would never be with him because of his drug use. Friday during school Bill ignored me. I thought that was odd because he had told me he wanted ot be my best friend because I mean so much to him. I went home and asked him why he did that. All in all, I found out he was hanging out with his ex, he just 'didnt see me' in school, and that he was sorry for everything. I wasnt gonna let him win. I acted like I didnt care. I went to the movies that night with my friend Elyssa who is dating Brandon (Bills best friend) and is going through the same thing I am. We both love being abused and love our men with no reservations. I decided I knew what was wrong with our relationshipa nd decided I would ask Bill to start over.
I got home and asked him if we could start over. I told him our problem was that we never communicated. We kept alot from eachother, but that our love would keep us together. He told me we could possibly get back together. Then his ex IMed me and told me she was hanging out with Bill tomorrow, and that they were 'together' she told me I was fat and ugly. I didnt understand why she was doing this. I asked Bill if they were together and he said no. He promised he still cared for me and that we would just take a break and he would think about getting back together. We decided we would talk about it in a week.
Brandon was over Bills on another computer and IMed me and said Bill was laughing about our situation and that he thought it was funny. I asked Brandon what I should do and if Bill would say yes or not. Brandon said he thinks Bill really loves its just hes an asshole, and does this to get a rise out of me. From what I know, when you love someone you dont enjoy making them cry and feel useless.
When I was leaving I told Bill I loved him. Bill said 'I used to love you. I guess. ha.'
I dont know what to do. I cant be alone. I need him. It was so abrupt and out of nowhere I cant believe that he just doesnt feel anything for me. I want his abuse. I need it. What happened to him wrapping his arms around me and telling me he loved me with everything he had, and that I was beautiful. I dont understand what happened to the boy who would stop having sex to tell kiss my naked body and tell me he loves me. What happened to the boy whos hands caressed my back while having me sit on my lap.
I also remembered when he would tell me to shut up. Or when I would be so self-consious that I would wear big hoodies and tons of makeup to hide what he didnt want. I remember him telling me how hot other girls were. I remember reading conversations between him and other girls saying he doesnt care if I cry, I am an annoying bitch.
I am confused and hurt. More than anything I am scared of how I feel.
I am afraid my habit of destructive relationships would never end. I am scared that I will go back to him. I am scared he will hit me. He grew up with a father who has 16 counts of reported assault and 3 domestic abuse reports. I have seen him hit his sister.
I dont want to be like this. I need help. I dont want to be alone.
I have lost 5 lbs since he dumped me.
I will be skinny and beautiful and I will be what he wants.
No, even then I wont be.
God, i just want to be held. I need someone with me.
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